
■iV;'.'Vj 




^ 




WASUINGTON IRVING. 



SALMAGU:tTDI 



WASHINGTON IRVING. 



In hoc est hoax, cum quiz et jokesez, 
Et stnoken, toastem, roasteni folksez, 

Paulmanazar. 



Fee, faw, futn. 



With baked, and broiled, and etewed, and toasted; 
And fried, and boiled, and smoked, and roasted, 
We treat the town. 




NEW YORK : 
THOMAS Y. CROWELL & CO., 



EXCHANGE 



•A/ 

r/ic 
u 



JUi> 12 1944 
Serial Record Division 

I Cop> 



SALMAGUI^DI. 



CONTENTS. 



VOLUME I. 

NO. PAGE 

I. Satttrday, January 24, 1807 6 

Publisher's Notice 6 

From the Elbow-Ctiair of Launcelot Langstaff, Esq 7 

Theatrics — Contaiuiug the Quintessence of Modern Criticism. By Wil- 
liam Wizard, Esq ^ 12 

New York Assembly. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 14 

II. Wednesday, February 4, 1807. — From the Elbow-Chair of Launcelot 

Langstaff, Esq 18 

Mr. Wilson's Concert. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 22 

Cockloft Family 24 

To Launcelot Langstaff, Esq 26 

Advertisement 28 

III. Friday, February 13, 1807. — From ray Elbow-Chair 31 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Kahn, Captain of a Ketch, to 
Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw 

of Tripoli 33 

Fashions. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 36 

Proclamation from the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq 40 

IV. Tuesday, February 24, 1807. — From my Elbow-Chair 43 

Memorandums for a Tour to be entitled, " The Stranger in New Jersey; 

or. Cockney Travelling." By Jeremy Cockloft, the Younger ... 45 

V. Saturday, March 7, 1807. — From ray Elbow-Chair 50 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan to Abdallah Eb'n AI Ra- 
hab, surnamed the Snorer, Military Sentinel at the Gate of his High- 

ness'a Palace 50 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 57 

To the Ladies. From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq 61 

VI. Friday, March 20, 1807. — From my Elbow-Chair . 65 

Theatrics. By William Wizard, Esq '. . 73 

VII. Saturday, April 4, 1807. — Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli 
Khan, to Ascm Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the 

Bashaw of Tripoli 79 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq. Notes by William Wizard, Esq. 85 

VIII. Saturday, April 18, 1807. — By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 90 

On Style. By William Wizard, Esq 95 

To Correspondents 100 

IX. Saturday, April 25, 1807. -From ray Elbow-Chair 104 

From my Elbow-Chair 108 

3 



4 CONTENTS. 

NO. PAGE 

Letter from Mustapha Rnb-A-Dub Keli Khan, Captain of a Ketch, to 
Asem Hacchem, Priucipal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw 

of Tripoli 110 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq 115 

X. Saturday, May 16, 1807. — From my Elbow-Chair 120 

To Lauucelot Langstaff, Esq 121 

VOLUME II. 

Note 126 

XI. Tuesday, June 2, 1807. — Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan, 
Captain of a Ketch, to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to hia 

Highness, the Bashaw of Tripoli 128 

From my Elbow-Chair. Mine Uncle John 1.35 

XII. Saturday, June 27, 1807. — From my Elbow-Chair 141 

The Stranger at Home; or, A Tour in Broadway. By Jeremy Cockloft, 

the Younger 147 

From my Elbow-Chair 153 

From the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq 154 

Xni. Friday, August 14, 1807. — From my Elbow-Chair 157 

Plans for Defending our Harbor. By William Wizard, Esq 159 

From my Elbow-Chair. A Retrospect; or, " What you Will " . . . 165 

To Readers and Correspondents 172 

XrV. Saturday, September 16, 1807. — Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub 
Keli Khan to Asem Hacchem, Principal Slave-Driver to his Highness, 

the Bashaw of Tripoli 174 

Cockloft Hall. By Lauucelot Langstaff, Esq 181 

Theatrical Intelligence. By William Wizard, Esq 188 

XV. Thursday, October 1, 1807. — Sketches from Nature. By Anthony 

Evergreen, Gent 191 

On Greatness. By Lauucelot Langstaff, Esq 196 

XVI. Thursday, October 15, 1807. — Style at Ballston. By William Wizard, 

Esq 203 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Prin- 
cipal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw of Tripoli 208 

XVn. Wednesday, November 11, 1807.— Autumnal Reflections. By Lauu- 
celot Langstaff, Esq 215 

By Lauucelot Langstaff, Esq 219 

Chap. CIX. — Of the Chronicles of the Renowned and Ancient City of 

Gotham 222 

XVin. Tuesday, November 24, 1807. — The Little Man in Black. By Lauucelot 

Langstaff, Esq 228 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan, to Asem Hacchem, Prin- 
cipal Slave-Driver to his Highness, the Bashaw of Tripoli 234 

XIX. Thursday, December 31, 1807. — From my Elbow-Chair 240 

Letter from Mustapha Rub-A-Dub Keli Khan to Muley Helim al Raggi, 
surnamed the Agreeable Ragamulfln, chief Mounte-bank and Buffa- 

dancer to his Highness 241 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 248 

Tea : A Poem 252 

XX. Monday, January 25, 1808. — From my Elbow-Chair 256 

To the Ladles. By Anthony Evergreen, Gent 262 

Farewell 267 



SALMAGUNDI. 



VOLUME FIRST. 



NO. I. -SATURDAY, JANUARY 24, 1807. 

As eveiybody knows, or ought to know, what a Salmagundi 
is, we shall spare ourselves the trouble of an explanation — 
besides, we despise trouble as we do every thing that is low and 
mean : and hold the man who would incur it unnecessarily, as 
an object worthy our highest pity and contempt. Neither will 
we puzzle our heads to give an account of ourselves, for two 
reasons ; first, because it is nobody's business ; secondly, be- 
cause if it were, we do not hold ourselves bound to attend to 
anybody's business but our own ; and even that we take the 
liberty of neglecting when it suits our inclination. To these 
we might add a third, that very few men can give a tolerable 
account of themselves, let them try ever so hard ; but this rea- 
son, we candidly avow, would not hold good with ourselves. 

There are, however, two or three pieces of information which 
we bestow gratis on the public, chiefly because it suits our own 
pleasure and convenience that they should be known, and partly 
because we do not wish that there should be any ill will between 
us at the commencement of our acquaintance. 

Our intention is simply to instruct the young, reform the old, 
correct the town, and castigate the age ; this is an arduous 
task, and, therefore, we undertake it with confidence. We in- 
tend for this purpose to present a striking picture of the town ; 
and as everybody is anxious to see his own phiz on canvas, 
however stupid or ugly it may be, we have no doubt but the 
whole town will flock to our exhibition. Our picture will neces- 
sarily include a vast variety of figures : and should any gentle- 
man or lady be displeased with the inveterate truth of their 
likenesses, they may ease their spleen by laughing at those of 
their neighbors — this being what we understand by poetical 

JUSTICE. 

5 



6 SALMAGUNDI. 

Like all tnie and able editors, we consider ourselves infalli- 
ble, and, tlierefore, with the customary diffidence of our breth- 
ren of the quill, we shall take the liberty of interfering in all 
matters either of a public or private nature. We are critics, 
amateurs, dilettanti, and cognoscenti; and as we know "by 
the pricking of our thumbs," that every opinion which we may 
advance in either of those characters will be correct, we are 
determined, though it ma}' be questioned, contradicted, or even 
controverted, yet it shall never be revoked. 

We beg the public particularly to understand that we solicit 
no patronage. We are determined, on the contrary, that the 
patronage shall be entirely on our side. We have nothing to 
do with the pecuniary concerns of the paper ; its success will 
yield us neither pride nor profit — nor will its failure occasion 
to us either loss or mortification. We advise the public, there- 
fore, to purchase our numbers merel}' for their own sakes : — if 
they do not, let them settle the affair with their consciences 
and posterity. 

To conclude, we invite all editors of newspapers and literary 
journals to praise us heartily in advance, as we assure them 
that we intend to deserve their praises. To our next-door 
neighbor " Town," we hold out a hand of amity, declaring to 
him that, after ours, his paper will stand the best chance for 
immortality. We proffer an exchange of civilities ; he shall 
furnish us with notices of epic poems and tobacco : — and we in 
return will enrich him with original speculations on all manner 
of subjects ; together with " the rummaging of my grandfather's 
mahogany chest of drawers," "the life and amours of mine 
uncle John," " anecdotes of the Cockloft family," and learned 
quotations from that unheard-of writer of folios, Linhum Fide- 
Uus. 



PUBLISHER'S NOTICE. 

This work will be published and sold by D. Longworth. It 
will be printed on hot prest vellum paper, as that is held in 
highest estimation for buckling up young ladies' hair — a pur- 
pose to which similar works are usually appropriated ; it will 
be a small, neat duodecimo size, so that when enough numbers 
are written, it may form a volume sufficiently portable to be 
carried in old ladies' pockets and young ladies' work-bags. 

As the above work will not come out at stated periods, notice 



SALMAGUNDI. 7 

will be given when another number will be published. The 
price will depend on the size of the number, and must be paid 
on delivery. The publisher professes the same sublime con- 
tempt for money as his authors. The liberal patronage be- 
stowed by his discerning fellow-citizens on various works of 
taste which he has published, has left him no inclination to ask 
for further favors at their hands ; and he publishes this work in 
the mere hope of requiting their bounty.^ 



FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT LANG- 
STAFF, ESQ. 

We were a considerable time in deciding whether we should 
be at the pains of introducing ourselves to the public. As we 
care for nobody, and as we are not yet at the bar, we do not 
feel bound to hold up our hands and answer to our names. 

Willing, however, to gain at once that frank, confidential 
footing, which we are certain of ultimately possessing in this, 
doubtless, " best of all possible cities ; " aud, anxious to spare 
its worthy inhabitants the trouble of making a thousand ivise 
conjectures, not one of which would be worth a "tobacco- 
stopper," we have thought it in some degree a necessary exer- 
tion of charitable condescension to furnish them with a slight 
clew to the truth. 

Before we proceed farther, however, we advise everybody, 
man, woman, and child, that can read, or get any friend to 
read for them, to purchase this paper : — not that we write for 
money ; — for, in common with all philosophical wiseacres, from 
Solomon downwards, we hold it in supreme contempt. The 
public are welcome to buy this work, or not, just as they 
choose. If it be purchased freely, so much the better for the 
public — and the publisher : — we gain not a stiver. If it be not 
purchased we give fair warning — we shall burn all. our essays, 
critiques, and- epigrams, in one promiscuous blaze ; and, like 
the books of the sibyls, and the Alexandrian library, they will 
be lost forever to posterity. For the sake, therefore, of our 
publisher, for the sake of the public, and for the sake of the 
public's children, to the nineteenth generation, we advise them 

' It was not originally the intention of the authors to insert the above address in the 
worlj; but, unwilling that a jHorcea?* so precious should be lost to posterity, they have 
been induced to alter their minds. This will account for any repetition of idea that may 
appear iu the introductory essay. 



8 SALMAGUNDI. 

to purchase our paper. We beg the respectable old matrons 
of this city, not to be alarmed at the appearance we make ; we 
are none of those outlandish geniuses who swarm in New York, 
who live by their wits, or rather by the little wit of their neigh- 
bors ; and who spoil the genuine honest American tastes of 
their daughters, with French slops and fricasseed sentiment. 

We have said we do not write for money ; — neither do we 
write for fame : — we know too well the variable nature of pub- 
lic opinion to build our hopes upon it — we cm-e not what the 
])ublic think of us ; and we suspect, before we reach the tenth 
number, they will not knoiu what to think of us. In two words 

— we write for no other earthly purpose but to please ourselves 

— and this we shall be sure of doing ; for we are all three of 
us determined beforehand to be pleased with what we write. 
If, in the course of this work, we edify and instruct and amuse 
the public, so much the better for the public : — but we frankly 
acknowledge that so soon as we get tired of reading our own 
works, we shall discontinue them without the least remorse ; 
whatever the public may think of it. — While we continue to go 
on, we will go on merrily : — if we moralize, it shall be but sel- 
dom ; and, on all occasions, we shall be more solicitous to make 
our readers laugh than cry ; for we are laughing philosophers, 
and clearly of opinion, that wisdom, true wisdom, is a plump, 
jolly dame, who sits in her arm-chair, laughs right merrily at 
the farce of life — and takes the world as it goes. 

We intend particularly to notice the conduct of the fashion- 
able world : nor in this shall we be governed by that carping 
spirit with which narrow-minded book-worm cynics squint at 
the little extravagances of the ton ; but with that liberal tolera- 
tion which actuates every man of fashion. While we keep 
more than a Cerberus watch over the guardian rules of female 
delicacy and decorum — we shall not discourage any little 
sprightliness of demeanor, or innocent vivacity of character. 
Before we advance one line farther we must let it be under- 
stood, as our firm opinion, void of all prejudice or partiality, 
that the ladies of New York are the fairest, the finest, the most 
accomplished, the most bewitching, the most ineffable beings, 
that walk, creep, crawl, swim, fly, float, or vegetate in an}- or 
all of the four elements ; and that they only want to be cured 
of certain whims, eccentricities, and unseemly conceits,' by our 
superintending cares, to render them absolutely perfect. They 
will, therefore, receive a large portion of those attentions di- 
rected to the fashionable woiTd ; — nor will the gentlemen, who 
(toze away their time in the circles of the haut-ton, escape our 



SALMAGUNDI. 9 

currying. "VVe mean those stupid fellows who sit stock still 
upon their chairs, without saying a word, and then complain 
how damned stupid it was at Miss 's party. ^ 

This department will be under the peculiar direction and 
control of Anthony PLvergreen, gent., to whom all communi- 
cations on this subject are to be addressed. This gentleman, 
from his long experience in the routine of balls, tea-parties, 
and assemblies, is eminently qualified for the task he has under- 
taken. He is a kind of patriarch in the fashionable woi Id ; 
and has seen generation after generation pass away into the 
silent tomb of matrimony while he remains unchangeably the 
same. He can recount the amours and courtships of the fathers, 
mothers, uncles and aunts, and even the grandames, of all the 
belles of the present day ; provided their pedigrees extend so 
far back without being lost in obscurity. As, however, treat- 
ing of pedigrees is rather an ungrateful task in this city, and as 
we mean to be perfectly good-natured, he has promised to be 
cautious in this particular. He recollects perfectly the time 
when young ladies used to go sleigh-riding at night, without 
their mammas or grandmammas ; in short, without being matron- 
ized at all : and can relate a thousand pleasant stories about 
Kissing-bridge. He likewise remembers the time when ladies 
paid tea-visits at three in the afternoon, and returned before 
dark to see that the house was shut up and the servants on 
duty. He has often played cricket in the orchard in the rear 
of old Vauxhall, and remembers when the Bull's-head was 
quite out of town. Though he has slowly and gradually given 
into modern fashions, and still flourishes in the beau-monde, 3'et 
he seems a little prejudiced in favor of the dress and manners 
of the old school ; and his chief commendation of a new mode is 
" that it is the same good old fashion we had before the war." 
It has cost us much trouble to make him confess that a cotillon 
is superior to a minuet, or an unadorned crop to a pigtail and 
powder. Custom and fashion have, however, had more effect 
on him than all our lectures ; and he tempers, so happily, the 
grave and ceremonious gallantry of the old school with the 
" hail fellow " familiarity of the new, that, we trust, on a little 
acquaintance, and making allowance for his old-fashioned preju- 
dices, he will become a very considerable favorite with our read- 
ers ; — if not, the worse for themselves ; as they will have to 
endure his company. 

In the territory of criticism, William Wizard, Esq., has 
undertaken to preside ; and though we may all dabble in it a 
little by turns, yet we have willingly ceded to him all discre- 



10 SALMAGUNDI. 

tionary powers in this respect, though Will has not had the 
advantage of an education at Oxford or Cambridge, or even at 
Edinburgh, or Aberdeen, and though he is but little versed in 
Hebrew, yet we have no doubt he will be found fully competent 
to the undertaking. He has improved his taste by a long resi- 
dence abroad, particularly at Canton, Calcutta, and the gay 
and polished court of Hayti. He has also had an opportunity 
of seeing the best singing-girls and tragedians of China, is a 
great connoisseur in mandarine dresses, and porcelain, and par- 
ticularly values himself on his intimate knowledge of the buffalo, 
and war dances of the northern Indians. He is likewise prom- 
ised the assistance of a gentleman, lately from London, who was 
born and bred in that centre of science and bon gout, the vicinity 
of Fleetmarket, where he has been edified, man and boy, these 
six-and-twenty years, with the harmonious jingle of Bow-bells. 
His taste, therefore, has attained to such an exquisite pitch of 
refinement that there are few exhibitions of any kind which do 
not put him in a fever. He has assured Will, that if Mr. 
Cooper emphasizes ^^and" instead of '■'•hut" — or Mrs. Old- 
mixon pins her kerchief a hair's breadth awry — or Mrs. Darley 
offers to dare to look less than the " daughter of a senator of 
Venice " — the standard of a senator's daughter being exactly 
six feet — they shall all hear of it in good time. We have, 
however, advised Will Wizard to keep his friend in check, lest 
by opening the eyes of the public to the wretchedness of the 
actors by whom they have hitherto been entertained, he might 
cut off one source of amusement from our fellow-citizens. We 
hereby give notice, that we have taken the whole corps, from 
the manager in his mantle of gorgeous copper-lace, to honest 
John in his green coat and black breeches, under our wing — 
and woe be unto him who injures a hair of their heads. As we 
have no design against the patience of our fellow-citizens, we 
shall not dose them with copious draughts of theatrical criti- 
cism ; we well know that the}' have already been well physicked 
with them of late ; our theatrics shall take up but a small part 
of our paper ; nor shall they be altogether confined to the stage, 
but extend from time to time, to those incorrigible offenders 
against the peace of society, the stage-critics, who not unfre- 
quently create the fault they find, in order to yield an opening 
for their witicisms — censure an actor for a gesture he never 
made, or an emphasis he never gave ; and, in their attempt to 
show off new readings, make the sweet swan of Avon cackle 
like a goose. If any one should feel himself offended by our 
remarks, let him attack us in return — we shall not wince from 



SALMAGUNDI. 11 

the combat. If his passes be successful, we will be the first to 
cry out, a hit ! a hit ! aud we doubt not we shall frequently 
lay ourselves open to the weapons of our assailants. But let 
them have a care how they run a tilting with us — they have to 
deal witli stubborn foes, who can bear a world of pommelling ; 
we will be relentless in our vengeance, and will fight " till from 
our bones the flesh be hackt." 

What other subjects we shall include in the range of our 
observations, we have not determined, or rather we shall not 
trouble ourselves to detail. The public have already more 
information concerning us, than we intended to impart. We 
owe them no favors, neither do we ask any. We again advise 
them, for their own sakes, to read our papers when they come 
out. We recommend to all mothers to purchase them for their 
daughters, who will be taught the true line of propriety, and 
the most advisable method of managing their beaux. We 
advise all daughters to purchase them for the sake of their 
mothers, who shall be initiated into the arcana of the bon ton, 
and cured of all those rusty old notions which they acquired 
during the last century : parents shall be taught how to govern 
their children, girls how to get husbands, and old maids how to 
do without them. 

As we do not measure our wits by the yard or the bushel, 
and as they do not flow periodically nor constantly, we shall 
not restrict our paper as to size or the time of its appearance. 
It will be published whenever we have sufficient matter to con- 
stitute a number, and the size of the number shall depend on 
the stock in hand. This will best suit our negligent habits, 
aud leave us that full liberty and independence which is the 
joy and pride of our souls. As we have before hinted, that we 
do not concern ourselves about the pecuniary matters of our 
paper, we leave its price to be regulated by our publisher, only 
recommending him for his own interest, and the honor of his 
authors, not to sell their invaluable productions too cheap. 

Is there any one who wishes to know more al)out us? — let 
him read Salmagundi, and grow wise apace. Thus much we 
will say — there are three of us, " Bardolph, Peto, and I," all 
townsmen good and true ; — many a time and oft have we 
three amused the town without its knowing to whom it was 
indebted ; and many a time have we seen the midnight lamp 
twinkle faintly on our studious phizes, and heard the morning 
salutation of "past three o'clock," before we sought our pil- 
lows. The result of these midnight studies is now offered to 
the public ; and little as we care for the opinion of this exceed- 



12 SALMAGUNDI. 

ingly stupid world, we shall take care, as far as lies in our care- 
less natures, to fulfil the promises made in this introduction ; if 
we do not, we shall have so many examples to justify us, that 
we feel little solicitude on that account. 



THEATRICS. 



CONTAINING THE QUINTESSENCE OF MODERN CRITICISM. 
BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Macbeth was performed to a very crowded house, and much 
to our satisfaction. As, however, our neighbor Town has been 
very voluminous already in his criticisms on this play, we shall 
make but few remarks. Having never seen Kemble in this 
character, we are absolutely at a loss to say whether Mr. 
Cooper performed it well or not. We think, however, there 
was an error in his costume^ as the learned Linkum Fidelius is 
of opinion, that in the time of Macbeth the Scots did not wear 
sandals, but wooden shoes. Macbeth also was noted for wear- 
ing his jacket open, that he might play the Scotch fiVldle more 
conveniently ; — that being an hereditary accomplishment in the 
Glamis family. 

We have seen this character performed in China by the cele- 
brated Chow-Chotc, the Roscius of that great empire, who in 
the dagger scene always electrified the audience by blowing 
his nose like a trumpet. Chow-Chow, in compliance with the 
opinion of the sage Linkum' Fidelius, performed Macbeth in 
wooden shoes ; this gave him an opportunity of producing great 
effect, for on first seeing the "air-drawn dagger," he always 
cut a prodigious high caper, and kicked his shoes into the pit 
at the heads of the critics ; whereupon the audience were 
marvellously delighted, flourished their hands, and stroked 
their whiskers three times, and the matter was carefully 
recorded in the next number of a paper called the Jlim Jiam. 
{ English — town . ) 

We were much pleased with Mrs. Villiers in Lady Mac- 
beth ; but we think she would have given a greater effect to the 
night-scene, if, instead of holding the candle in her hand or 
setting it down on the table, which is sagaciously censured by 
neighbor Town, she had stuck it in her night-cap. This would 
have been extremely picturesque, and would have marked more 
strongly the derangement of her mind. 



SALMAGUNDL 13 

Mrs. Villiers, however, is not by any means large enough 
for the character; Lady Macbeth having been, in our opinion, 
a woman of extraordinary size, and of the race of the giants, 
notwithstanding what she says of her "little hand" — which 
being said in her sleep, passes for nothing. We should be 
happy to see this character in the hands of the lady who 
played Glumdalca, queen of the giants, in Tom Thumb ; she is 
exactly of imperial dimensions ; and, provided she is well 
shaved, of a most interesting physiognomy ; as she appears 
likewise to be a lady of some nerve, I dare engage she will 
read a letter about witches vanishing in air, and such com- 
mon occurrences, without being unnaturally surprised, to the 
annoyance of honest "Town." 

We are happy to observe that Mr. Cooper profits by the in- 
structions of friend Town, and does not dip the daggers in 
blood so deep as formerly by a matter of an inch or two. This 
was a violent outrage upon our immortal bard. We differ 
with Mr. Town in his reading of the words, " this is a sorry 
sight.'" We are of opinion the force of the sentence should be 
thrown on the word sight, because Macbeth, having been 
shortly before most confoundedly humbugged with an aerial 
dagger, was in doubt whether the daggers actually in his hands 
were real, or whether they were not mere shadows, or as the 
old English may have termed it, syghtes; (this, at any rate, 
will establish our skill in new readings.) Though we differ in 
this respect from our neighbor Town, yet we heartily agree 
with him in censuring Mr. Cooper for omitting that passage so 
remarkable for "beauty of imagery," &c., beginning with 
"and pity, like a naked, new-born babe," &c. It is one of 
those passages of Shakspeare which should always be retained, 
for the purpose of showing how sometimes that great poet 
could talk like a buzzard ; or, to speak more plainly, like the 
famous mad poet Nat Lee. 

As it is the first duty of a friend to advise — and as we pro- 
fess and do actually feel a friendship for honest " Town " — we 
warn him, never in his criticisms to meddle with a lady's 
" petticoats," or to quote Nic Bottom. In the first instance he 
may " catch a tartar; " and in the second, the ass's head may 
rise up in judgment against him ; and when it is once afloat 
there is no knowing where some unlucky hand may place it. 
We would not, for all the money in our pockets, see Town 
flourishing his critical quill under the auspices of an ass's head, 
like the great Franklin in his Monterio Cap. 



14 SALMAGUNDI. 

NEW YORK ASSEMBLY. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

The assemblies this year have gained a great accession of 
beauty. Several brilliant stars have arisen from the east and 
from the north to brighten the firmament of fashion ; among 
the number I have discovered another planet^ which rivals 
even Venus in lustre, and I claim equal honor with Herschel 
for my discovery. I shall take some future opportunity to 
describe this planet, and the numerous satellites which revolve 
around it. 

At the last assembly the company began to make some show 
about eight, but the most fashionable delayed their appearance 
until about nine — nine being the number of the muses, and 
therefore the best possible hour for beginning to exhibit the 
graces. (This is meant for a pretty play upon words, and I 
assure my readers that I think it very tolerable.) 

Poor Will Honeycomb, whose memory I hold in special 
consideration, even with his half century of experience, would 
have been puzzled to point out the humors of a lady by her 
prevailing colors; for the "rival queens" of fashion, Mrs. 
Toole and Madame Bouchard, appeared to have exhausted 
their wonderful inventions in the different disposition, varia- 
tion, and combination of tints and shades. The philosopher 
who maintained that black was white, and that of course there 
was no such color as white, might have given some color to 
his theory on this occasion, by the absence of poor forsaken 
white muslin. I was, however, much pleased to see that red 
maintains its ground against all other colors, because red is the 
color of Mr. Jefferson's ******, Tom Paine' s nose, and 
my slippers. 

Let the grumbling smellfungi of this world, who cultivate 
taste among books, cobwebs, and spiders, rail at the extrava- 
gance of the age ; for my part, I was delighted with the magic 
of the scene, and as the ladies tripped through the mazes of 
the dance, sparkling and glowing and dazzling, I, like the hon- 
est Chinese, thanked them heartily for the jewels and finery 
with which they loaded themselves, merely for the entertain- 
ment of by-standers, and blessed my stars that I was a 
bachelor. 

The gentlemen were considerably numerous, and being as 



SALMAGUNDI. 15 

usual equipt in their appropriate black uniforms, constituted 
a sable regiment which contributed not a little to the brilliant 
gayety of the ball-room. I must confess 1 am indebted for 
this remark to our friend, the cockne}', Mr. 'Sbidlikensflash, 
or 'Sbidlikens, as he is called for shortness. He is a fellow of 
infinite verbosity — stands in high favor — with himself — and, 
like Caleb Quotem, is " up to every thing." I remember when 
a comfortable, plumb-looking citizen led into the room a fair 
damsel, who looked for all the world like the personification 
of a rainbow : 'Sbidlikens observed that it reminded him of a 
fable, which he had read somewhere, of the marriage of an 
honest, painstaking snail, who had once walked six feet in 
an hour for a wager, to a butterfly whom he used to gallant 
by the elbow, with the aid of much puffing and exertion. On 
being called upon to tell where he had come across this story, 
'Sbidlikens absolutely refused to answer. 

It would but be repeating an old story to say, that the ladies 
of New York dance well ; — and well may they, since they learn 
it scientifically, and begin their lessons before they have quit 
their swaddling clothes. The immortal Duport has usurped 
despotic swa}' over all the female heads and heels in this city, 
— hornbooks, primers, and pianos are neglected to attend to 
his positions ; and poor Chilton, with his pots and kettles and 
chemical crockery, finds him a more potent enemy than the 
whole collective force of the ''North River Society." 'Sbid- 
likens insisted that this dancing mania will inevitably continue 
as long as a dancing-master will charge the fashionable price 
of five-and-twenty dollars a quarter and all the other accom- 
plishments are so vulgar as to be attainable at " half the 
money;" — but I put no faith in 'Sbidlikens' candor in this 
particular. Among his infinitude of endowments he is but a 
poor proficient in dancing ; and though he often flounders 
through a cotillon, yet he never cut a pigeon-wing in his 
life. 

In my mind there's no position more positive and unexcep- 
tionable than that most Frenchmen, dead or alive, are born 
dancers. I came pounce upon this discovery at the assembly, 
and I immediately noted it down in my register of indisputable 
facts : — the public siiall know all about it. As I never dance 
cotillons, holding them to be monstrous distorters of the 
human frame, and tantamount in their operations to being 
broken and dislocated on the wheel, I generally take occasion, 
while they are going on, to make my remarks on the conipau}-. 
lu the course of these observations 1 was struck with the energy 



16 SALMAGUNDI. 

and eloquence of sundry limbs, which seemed to be flourishing 
about without appertaining to any body. After much investi- 
gation and difficulty, I at length traced them to their respective 
owners, whom I found to be all Frenchmen to a man. Art 
may have meddled somewhat in these affairs, but nature 
certainly did more. I have since been considerably emplo3'ed 
in calculations on this subject ; and b}' the most accurate com- 
putation I have determined that a Frenchman passes at least 
three-fifths of his time between the heavens and the earth, and 
partakes eminently of the nature of a gossamer or soap-bubble. 
One of these jack-o'-lauteru heroes, in taking a figure which 
neither Euclid nor Pythagoras himself could demonstrate, unfor- 
tunately wound himself — I mean his feet, his better part — into 
a lady's cobweb muslin robe ; but perceiving it at the instant, he 
set himself a spinning the other way, like a top, unravelled his 
step without omitting one angle or curve, and extricated him- 
self without breaking a thread of the lady's dress ! he then 
sprung up, like a sturgeon, crossed his feet four times, and fin- 
ished this wonderful evolution by quivering his left leg, as a 
cat does her paw when she has accidentally dipped it in water. 
No man "of woman born," who was not a Frenchman or a 
mountebank, could have done the like. 

Among the new faces, I remarked a blooming nymph, who 
has brought a fresh supply of roses from the country to adorn 
the wreath of beauty, where lilies too much predominate. As 
I wish well to every sweet face under heaven, I sincerely' hope 
her roses ma}' survive the frosts and dissipations of winter, and 
lose nothing by a comparison with the loveliest offerings of the 
spring. '.Sbidlikens, to whom I made similar remarks, assured 
me that they were very just, and very prettily exprest ; and 
that the lady in question was a prodigious fine piece of flesh 
and blood. Now could I find it in my heart to baste these 
cockneys like their own roast-beef — they can make no distinc- 
tion between a fine woman and a fine horse. 

I would praise the sylph-like grace with which another young 
lady acquitted herself in the dance, but that she excels in far 
more valuable accomplishments. Who praises the rose for its 
beauty, even though it is beautiful. 

The company retired at the customary hour to the supper- 
room, where the tables were laid out with their usual splendor 
and profusion. My friend, 'Sbidlikens, with the native fore- 
thought of a cockney, had carefully stowed his pocket with 
cheese and crackers, that he might not be tempted again to 
venture his limbs in the crowd of hungry fair ones who throng 



SALMAGUNDI. 17 

the supper-room door ; his precaution was unnecessary, for the 
company entered the room with surprising order and decorum. 
No gowns were torn — no ladies fainted — no noses bled — nor 
was there any need of the interference of either managers or 
peace officers. 



18 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. II. -WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1807. 



FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNCELOT 
LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

In the conduct of an epic poem, it has been the custom, from 
time immemorial, for the poet occasionally to introduce his 
reader to an intimate acquaintance with the heroes of his story, 
by conducting him into their tents, and giving him an oppor- 
tunity of observing them in their night-gown and slippers. 
However I despise the servile genius that would descend to fol- 
low a precedent, though furnished by Homer himself, and con- 
sider him as on a par with the cart that follows at the heels of 
the horse, without ever taking tlie lead, yet at the present mo- 
ment my whim is opposed to my opinion ; and whenever this 
is the case, my opinion generally surrenders at discretion. I 
am determined, therefore, to give the town a peep into our 
divan ; and I shall repeat it as often as I please, to show that 
I intend to be sociable. 

The other night Will Wizard and Evergreen called upon me, 
to pass away a few hours in social chat and hold a kind of 
council of war. To give a zest to our evening I uncorked a 
bottle of London particular, which has grown old with myself, 
and which never fails to excite a smile in the countenances of 
my old cronies, to whom alone it is devoted. After some little 
time the conversation turned on the effect produced by our 
first number ; every one had his budget of information, and I 
assure my readers that we laughed most unceremoniously at 
their expense; they will excuse us for our merriment — 'tis a 
way we've got. Evergreen, who is equally a favorite and 
companion of young and old, was particularly satisfactory in 
his details ; and it was highly amusing to hear how different 
characters were tickled with different passages. The old folks 
were delighted to find there was a bias in our junto towards 
the ' ' good old times ; ' ' and he particularly noticed a worthy 
old gentleman of his acquaintance, who had been somewhat a 



SALMAGUNDI. 19 

beau in his day, whose eyes brightened at the bare mention of 
Kissing-l)ridge. It recalled to his recollection several of his 
youthful exploits, at that celebrated pass, on which he seemed 
to dwell with great pleasure and self-complacency ; — he hoped, 
he said, that the bridge might be preserved for the benefit of 
posterity, and as a monument of the gallantry of their grand- 
fathers ; and even hinted at the expediency of erecting a toll- 
gate, to collect the forfeits of the ladies. But the most flattering 
testimony of approbation, which our work has received, was 
from an old lady, who never laughed but once in her life, and 
that was at the conclusion of the last war. She was detected 
by friend Anthony in the very act of laughing most obstreper- 
ously at the description of the little dancing Frenchman. Now 
it glads my very heart to find our effusions have such a pleasing 
effect. I venerate the aged, and joy whenever it is in my 
power to scatter a few flowers in their path. 

The young people were particularly interested in the account 
of the assembly. There was some difference of opinion re- 
specting the new planet, and the blooming nymph from the 
country ; but as to the compliment paid to the fascinating little 
sylph who danced so gracefully — every lady modestly took 
that to herself. 

P^vergreen mentioned also that the young ladies were ex- 
tremely anxious to learn the true mode of managing their 
beaux ; and Miss Diana Wearwell, who is as chaste as an 
icicle, has seen a few superfluous winters pass over her head, 
and boasts of having slain her thousands, wished to know how 
old maids were to do without husbands ; — not that she was 
very curious about the matter, she "only asked for informa- 
tion." Several ladies expressed their earnest desire that we 
would not spare those wooden gentlemen who perform the 
parts of mutes, or stalking horses, in their drawing-rooms ; 
and their mothers were equally anxious that we would show 
no quarter to those lads of spirit, who now and then cut their 
bottles to enliven a tea-party with the humors of the dinner- 
table. 

Will Wizard was not a little chagrined at having been mis- 
taken for a gentleman, "who is no more like me," said Will, 
"than I like Hercules." — "I was well assured," continued 
Will, " that as our characters were drawn from nature, the 
originals would be found in every society. And so it has hap- 
pened — every little circle has its 'Sbidlikens ; and the cockney, 
intended merely as the representative of his species, has 
dwindled into an insignificant individual, who having recog- 



20 SALMAGUNDI. 

uizecl his own likeness, has foolishly appropriated to himself a 
picture for which he never sat. Such, too, has been the case 
with Ding-dong, who has kindly undertaken to be my repre- 
sentative ; — not that 1 care much about the matter, for it must 
be acknowledged that the animal is a good animal enough ; — 
and what is more, a fashionable animal — and this is saying 
more than to call him a conjurer. But, 1 am much mistaken 
if he can claim any affinity to the Wizard family. — Surely 
everybody knows Ding-dcng, the gentle Ding-dong, who per- 
vades all space, who is here and there and everywhere ; no 
tea-party can be complete without Ding-dong — and his appear- 
ance is sure to occasion a smile. Ding-dong has been the 
occasion of much wit in his day ; I have even seen many 
whipsters attempt to be dull at his expense, who were as much 
inferior to him as the gad-fly is to the ox that he buzzes about. 
Does any witling want to distress the company with a misera- 
ble pun? nobody's name presents sooner than Ding-dong's ; 
and it has been played upon with equal skill and equal enter- 
tainment to the by-standers as Trinity-bells. Ding-dong is 
profoundly devoted to the ladies, and highly .entitled to their 
regard ; for 1 know no man who makes a better bow, or talks 
less to the purpose than Ding-dong. Ding-dong has acquired 
a prodigious fund of knowledge by reading Dilworth when a 
boy ; and the other day, on being asked who was the author 
of Macbeth, answered, without the least hesitation — 8hak- 
speare ! Ding-dong has a quotation for every day of the year, 
and every hour of the day, and every minute of the hour ; but 
he often commits petty larcenies on the poets — plucks the gray 
hairs of old Chaucer's head, and claps them on the chin of 
Pope ; and filches Johnson's wig, to cover the bald pate of 
Homer; — but his blunders pass undetected by one-half of his 
hearers. Ding-dong, it is true, though he has long wrangled 
at our bar, cannot boast much of his legal knowledge, nor does 
his forensic eloquence entitle him to rank with a Cicero or a 
Demosthenes ; but bating his professional deficiencies, he is a 
man of most delectable discourse, and can hold forth for an 
hour upon the color of a ribbon or the construction of a work- 
bag. Ding-dong is now in his fortieth year, or perhaps a little 
more — rivals all the little beaux in the town, in his attentions 
to the ladies — is in a state of rapid improvement ; and there is 
no douljt but that by the time he arrives at years of discretion, 
he will be a very accomplished, agreeable young fellow." — I 
advise all clever, good-for-nothing, "learned and authentic 
gentlemen," to take care how they wear this cap, however well 



SALMAGUNDI. 21 

it fits ; and to bear in mind, that our characters are not indi- 
viduals, but species ; if, after this warning, any person chooses 
to represent Mr. Ding-dong, the sin is at his own door ; we 
wash our hands of it. 

We all sympathized with Wizard, that he should be mistaken 
for a person so very different ; and I hereby assure my readers, 
that William Wizard is no other person in the whole world but 
William Wizard ; so I beg I may hear no more conjectures on 
the subject. Will is, in fact, a wiseacre by inheritance. The 
Wizard family has long been celebrated for knowing more than 
their neighbors, particularly concerning their neighbors' affairs. 
They were anciently' called Josselin ; but Will's great uncle, 
by the father's side, having been accidentally burnt for a witch 
in Connecticut, in consequence of blowing up his own house in 
a philosophical experiment, the family, in order to perpetuate 
the recollection of this memorable circumstance, assumed the 
name and arms of Wizard ; and have borne them ever since. 

In the course of my customary morning's walk, I stopped in 
a book-store, which is noted for being the favorite haunt of a 
number of literati, some of whom rank high in the opinion oj 
the world, and others rank equally high in their own. Here I 
found a knot of queer fellows listening to one of their company 
who was reading our paper ; 1 particularly noticed Mr. Ichabod 
Fungus among the number. 

Fungus is one of those fidgeting, meddling quidnuncs, with 
which this unhappy city is pestered: one of your "Q in a 
corner fellows," who speaks volumes with a wink ; — convej'^s 
most portentous information, by laying his finger beside his 
nose, — and is always smelling a rat in the most trifling occur- 
rence. He listened to our work with the most frigid gravity — 
every now and then gave a mysterious shrug — a humph — or 
a screw of the mouth ; and on being asked his opinion at the 
conclusion, said, he did not know what to think of it; — he 
hoped it did not mean any thing against the government — that 
no lurking treason was couched in all this talk. These were 
dangerous times — times of plot and conspiracy ; he did not at 
ail like those stars after Mr. Jefferson's name, they had an air 
of concealment. Dick Paddle, who was one of the group, 
undertook our cause. Dick is known to the world, as being a 
most knowing genius, who can see as far as anybody — into a 
millstone ; maintains, in the teeth of all argument, that a spade 
is a spade ; and will labor a good half hour by St. Paul's clock, 
to establish a self-evident fact. Dick assured old Fungus, that 
those stars merely stood for Mr. Jefferson's red ivhat-d' ye-call- 



22 SALMAGUNDI. 

*ems; and that so far from a conspiracy against their peace and 
prosperity, the authors, whom he knew very well, were only 
expressing their high respect for them. The old man shook his 
head, shrugged his shoulders, gave a mysterious Lord Burleigh 
nod, said he hoped it might be so ; but he was by no means 
satisfied with this attack upon the President's breeches, as 
"thereby hangs a tale." 



MR. WILSON'S CONCERT. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

In my register of indisputable facts I have noted it conspicu- 
ously that all modern music is but the mere dregs and draining 
of the aucieut, and that all the spirit and vigor of harmony has 
entirely evaporated in the lapse of ages. Oh ! for the chaut of 
the Naiades, and Dryades, the shell of the Tritons, and the sweet 
warblings of the Mermaids of ancient days ! where now shall 
we seek the Amphion, who built walls with a turn of his hurdy- 
gurdy, the Orpheus who made stones to whistle about his ears, 
and trees hop in a country dance, by the mere quavering of his 
fiddle-stick ! ah ! had I the power of the former how soon 
would I build up the new City Hall, and save the cash and 
credit of the Corporation ; and how much sooner would I 
build m^-self a snug house in Broadway : — nor would it be the 
first time a house has been obtained there for a song. In my 
opinion, the Scotch bagpipe is the only instrument that rivals 
the ancient lyre ; and I am surprised it should be almost the 
only one entirely excluded from our concerts. 

Talking of concerts reminds me of that given a few nights 
since by Mr. Wilson ; at which I had the misfortune of being 
present. It was attended by a numerous company, and gave 
great satisfaction, if I may be allowed to judge from the fre- 
quent gapiugs of the audience ; though I will not risk mj- credit 
as a connoisseur, by saying whether they proceeded from won- 
der or a violent inclination to doze. I was delighted to find 
in the mazes of the crowd, my particular friend Snivers, who 
had put on his cognoscenti phiz — he being, according to his 
own account, a profound adept in the science of music. He 
can tell a crotchet at first sight ; and, like a true Englishman, is 
delighted with the plum-pudding rotundity of a semibref ; and, 
in short, boasts of having incontinently climbed up Paff's musi- 



SALMAGUNDI. 23 

cal tree, which hangs every clay iipou the poplar, from the 
fundaniental coucortl, to the fundamental major discord ; and 
so on from branch to branch, until he reached the very top, 
where he sung '"'■ Rule Britannia," clapped his wings, and then 
— came down again. Like all true transatlantic judges, he 
suffers most horribly at our musical entertainments, and assures 
me, that what with the confounded scraping, and scratching, 
and grating of our fiddlers, he thinks the sitting out one of our 
concerts tantamount to the punishment of that unfortunate 
saint, who was frittered in two with a handsaw. 

The concert was given in the tea-room, at the City Hotel ; an 
apartment admirably calculated, by its dingN' walls, beautifully 
marbled with smoke, to show off the dresses and complexions 
of the ladies ; and by the flatness of its ceiling to repress tliose 
impertinent reverberations of the music, which, whatever others 
may foolishly assert, are, as Snivers says, "no better than 
repetitions of old stories." 

Mr. Wilson gave me infinite satisfaction by the gentility of 
his demeanor, and the roguish looks he now and then cast at. 
the ladies, but we fear his excessive modesty threw him into 
some little confusion, for he absolutely forgot himself, and in 
the whole course of his entrances and exits, never once made 
his bow to the audience. On the whole, however, I think he has 
a fine voice, sings with great taste, and is a ver}' modest, good' 
looking little man ; but 1 beg leave to repeat the advice so often 
given b}' the illustrious tenants of the theatrical sk3'-parlor^ to 
the gentlemen who are charged with the "nice conduct" of" 
chairs and tables — "make a bow, Johnny — Johnny, make a 
bow!" 

I cannot, on this occasion, but express m}^ surprise that cer- 
tain amateurs should be so frequently at concerts, considering 
what agonies they suffer while a piece of music is* playing. I 
defy any man of common humanity, and who has not the heart 
of a Choctaw, to contemplate the countenance of one of these 
unhappy victims of a fiddlestick without feeling a sentiment 
of compassion. His whole visage is distorted ; he rolls up his 
eyes, as M'Sycophant says, " like a duck in thunder," and the 
music seems to operate upon him like a fit of the colic : his 
ver}' bowels seem to sjMiipathize at every twang of the cat-gut, 
as if he heard at that moment the wailings of the helpless ani- 
mal that had been sacrificed to harmony. Nor does the hero 
of the orchestra seem less affected ; as soon as the signal is 
given, he seizes his fiddlestick, makes a most horrible grimace, 
scowls fiercely upon his music-book, as though he would grin 



24 SALMAGUNDI. 

every crotchet and quaver out of countenance. I have somo- 
thnes particularly noticed a hungry-looking Gaul, who torments 
a huge bass-viol, and who is, doubtless, the original of the 
famous " Raw-head-and-bloody-bones," so potent in frightening 
naughty children. 

The person who played the French horn was very excellent 
in his way, but Snivers could not relish his performance, hav- 
ing sometime since heard a gentleman amateur in Gotham play 
a solo on his proboscis^ in a style infinitely superior ; Snout, the 
bellows-mender, never turned his wind instrument more musi- 
cally ; nor did the celebrated "knight of the burning lamp," 
ever yield more exquisite entertainment with his nose ; this 
gentleman had latterly ceased to exhibit this prodigious accom- 
plishment, having, it was whispered, hired out his snout to a 
ferryman, who had lost his conch-shell ; — the consequence was 
that he did not show his nose in company so frequently as 
before. 



Sitting late the other evening in my elbow-chair, indulging 
in that kind of indolent meditation, which I consider the per- 
fection of human bliss, I was roused from my reverie b}' the 
entrance of an old servant in the Cockloft livery, who handed 
me a letter, containing the following address from my cousin 
and old college chum, Pindar Cockloft. 

Honest Andrew, as he delivered it, informed me that his 
master, who resides a little way from town, on reading a small 
pamphlet in a neat yellow cover, rubbed his hands with symp- 
toms of great satisfaction, called for his favorite Chinese ink- 
stand, with .two sprawling Mandarines for its supporters, and 
wrote the letter which he had the honor to present me. 

As I foresee ray cousin will one day become a great favorite 
•with the public, and as I know him to be somewhat punctilious 
as it respects etiquette, I shall take this opportunity to gratify 
the old gentleman by giving him a [)roper introduction to the 
fashionable world. The Cockloft family, to which I have the 
comfort of being related, has been fruitful in old bachelors and 
humorists, as will be perceived when I come to treat more of 
its history. M3' cousin Pindar is one of its most conspicuous 
members — he is now in his fifty-eighth year — is a bachelor, 
partly through choice, and partly through chance, and an od- 
dity of the first water. Half his life has been employed in 
writing odes, sonnets, epigrams, and elegies, which he seldom 



SALMAGUNDI. 25 

shows to anj'body but myself after they are written ; and all 
the old chests, drawers, and chair-bottoms in the house, teem 
with his productions. 

In his younger days he figured as a dashing blade in the 
great world ; and no young fellow of the town wore a longer 
pig-tail, or carried more buckram i)i his skirts. From sixteen 
to thirty he was continually in love, and during tliat period, 
to use his own words, he be-scribbled more paper than would 
serve the theatre for snow-storms a whole season. The even- 
ing of his thirtieth birthday, as he sat by the fireside, as much 
in love as ever was man in the world and writing the name of 
his mistress in the ashes, with an old tongs that had lost one 
of its legs, he was seized with a whim-wham that he was an 
old fool to be in love at his time of life. It was ever one of 
the Cockloft characteristics to strike to whim ; and had Pindar 
stood out on this occasion he would have brought the reputa- 
tion of his mother in question. From that time he gave up all 
particular attentions to the ladies ; and though he still loves 
their company, he has never been known to exceed the bounds 
of common courtesy in his intercourse with them. He was 
the life and ornament of our family circle in town, until the 
epoch of the French revolution, which sent so many unfortunate 
dancing-masters from their country to polish and enlighten our 
hemisphere. This was a sad time for Pindar, who had taken 
a genuine Cockloft prejudice against every thing French, ever 
since he was brought to death's door by a ragout: he groaned 
at (7a ira. and the Marseilles Hymn had much the same effect 
ui^on him that sharpening a knife on a dry whetstone has upon 
some people ; — it set his teeth chattering. He might in time 
have been reconciled to these rubs, had not the introduction of 
French cockades on the hats of our citizens absolutely thrown 
him into a fever. The first time he saw an instance of this 
kind, he came home with great precipitation, packed up his 
trunk, his old-fashioned writing-desk, and his Chinese inkstand, 
and made a kind of growling retreat to Cockloft Hall, where he 
has resided ever since. 

M3' cousin Pindar is of a mercurial disposition, — a humor- 
ist without ill-nature — he is of the true gunpowder temper ; — 
one flash and all is over. It is true when the wind is easterl3', 
or the gout gives him a gentle twinge, or he hears of any new 
successes of the French, he will become a little splenetic ; and 
heaven help the man, and more particularly the woman, that 
crosses his humor at that moment ; — she is sure to receive no 
quarter. These are the most sublime moments of Pindar. 1 



26 SALMAGUNDI. 

swear to you, dear ladies and gentlemen, I would not lose one 
of these splenetic bursts for the best wig in iny wardrobe ; 
even though it were proved to be the identical wig worn by the 
sage Liukum Fidelius, when he demonstrated before the whole 
university of Leyden, that is was possible to make bricks with- 
out straw. I have seen the old gentleman blaze forth such a 
volcanic explosion of wit, ridicule, and satire, that I was almost 
tempted to believe him inspired. But these sallies only lasted 
for a moment, and passed like summer clouds over the benevo- 
lent sunshine which ever warmed his heart and lighted up his 
countenance. 

Time, though it has dealt roughly with his person, has passed 
lightly over the graces of his mind, and left him in full possession 
of all the sensibilities of youth. His eye kindles at the relation 
of a noble and generous action, his heart melts at the story of 
distress, and he is still a warm admirer of the fair. Like all 
old bachelors, however, he looks back with a fond and hnger- 
ing eye on the period of his boyhood ; and would sooner suffer 
the pangs of matrimony than acknowledge that the world, or any 
thing in it, is half so clever as it was in those good old times 
that are " gone by." 

I believe I have already mentioned, that with all his good 
qualities he is a humorist, and a humorist of the highest order. 
He has some of the most intolerable whim-whams I ever met 
with in my life, and his oddities are sufficient to eke out a 
hundred tolerable originals. But I will not enlarge on them — 
enough has been told to excite a desire to know more ; and 
I am much mistaken, if in the course of half a dozen of our 
numbers, he don't tickle, plague, please, and perplex the whole 
town, and completely establish his claim to the laureateship he 
has solicited, and with which we hereby invest him, recommend- 
ing him and his effusions to public reverence and respect. 

LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF. 



TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

Dear Launce, 

As I find you have taken the quill, 
To put our gay town, and its fair under drill, 
I offer m_y hopes for success to your cause, 
And send you unvarnish'd my mite of applause. 



SALMAGUNDI. 27 

Ah, Launce, this poor town has been wofnlly fash'd ; 
Has long been be-Frenchraan'd, be-cockney'd, betrash'd ; 
And our ladies be-devil'd, bevvilder'd astray, 
From the rules of their graudames have wander'd away. 
No longer that modest demeanor we meet. 
Which whilom the eyes of our fathers did greet ; — 
No longer be-mobbled, be-ruffled, be-quill'd, 
Be-powder'd, be-hooded, be-patch'd, and be-frill'd, — 
No longer our fair ones their grograms display. 
And stiff in brocade, strut '' like castles " away. 

Oh, how fondly my soul forms departed have traced, 
When ou;- ladies in stays, and in bodice well laced. 
When bishop'd, and cushion'd, and hoop'd to the chin, 
Well callash'd without, and well bolster'd within ; 
All cased in their buckrams, from crown down to tail, 
Like O'Brallagan's mistress, were shaped like a pail. 

Well — peace to those fashions — the joy of our eyes — 
Tempora mutantur, — new follies will rise ; 
Yet, "• like joys that are past," they still crowd on the mind. 
In moments of thought, as the soul looks behind. 

Sweet days of our boyhood, gone by, my dear Launce, 
Like the shadows of night, or the forms in a trance ; 
Yet oft we retrace those bright visions again, 
Nos mutamur, 'tis true — but those visions remain. 
I recall with delight, how my bosom would creep, 
When some delicate foot from its chamber would peep ; 
And when I a neat stocking'd ankle could spy, 
— By the sages of old, I was rapt to the sky ! 
All then was retiring — was modest — discreet; 
The beauties, all shrouded, were left to conceit ; 
To the visions which fancy would form in her eye. 
Of graces that snug in soft ambush would lie ; 
And the heart, like the poets, in thought would pursue 
The elysium of bliss, which was veil'd from its view. 

We are old-fashion'd fellows, our nieces will say : 
Old-fashion'd, indeed, coz — and swear it they may — 
For I freely confess that it 3'ields me no pride. 
To see them all blaze what their mothers would hide : 
To see them, all shivering, some cold winter's day, 
So lavish their beauties and graces display. 
And give to each fopling that offers his hand, 
Like Moses from Pisgah — a peep at the land. 

But a truce with complaining — the object in view 
Is to offer my help in the work you pursue ; 



28 SALMAGUNDI. 

And as j'Oiir effusions and labors sublime, 

May need, now and then, a few touches of rhyme, 

I humbly solicit, as cousin and friend, 

A quiddity, quirk, or remonstrance to send : 

Or should you a laureate want in your plan, 

By the muft' of my grandmother, I am your man ! 

You must know 1 have got a poetical mill. 

Which with odd lines, and couplets, and triplets I fill ; 

And a poem I grind, as from rags white and blue 

The paper-mill yields you a sheet fair and new. 

1 can grind down an ode, or an epic that's long, 

Into sonnet, acrostic, conundrum, or song : 

As to dull Hudibrastic, so boasted of late, 

The doggerel discharge of some muddled brain 'd pate, 

I can grind it by wholesale — and give it its point, 

With billingsgate dish'd up in rh3'mes out of joint. 

1 have read all the poets — and got them by heart, 
Can slit them, and twist them, and take them apart; 
Can cook up an ode out of patches and shreds, 
To muddle my readers, and bother their heads. 
Old Homer, and Virgil, and Ovid I scan, 
Anacreon, and Sappho, who changed to a swan ; — 
Iambics and sapphics I grind at my will. 
And with ditties of love every noddle can fill. 

Oh, 'twould do your heart good, Launce, to see my mill 
grind 
Old stuff into verses, and poems refiu'd ; — 
Dan Spencer. Dan Chaucer, those poets of old, 
Though cover'd with dust, are yet true sterling gold ; 
I can grind off their tarnish, and bring them to view. 
New modell'd, new mill'd, and improved in their hue. 

But I promise no more — only give me the place, 
And I'll warrant I'll fill it with credit and grace ; 
By the living ! I'll figure and cut j'ou a dash 
— As bold as Will Wizard, or 'Sbidlikens-flash ! 

PINDAR COCKLOFT. 



ADVERTISEMENT. 

Perhaps the most fruitful source of mortification to a merry 
writer who, for the amusement of himself and the public, 
employs his leisure in sketching odd characters from imagina- 



SALMAGUNDI. 29 

tion, is, that he cannot flourish his pen, hut every Jack-pudding 
imagines it is pointed directly at himself : — he cannot, in his 
gambols, throw a fool's cap among the crowd, but every queer 
fellow insists upon putting it on his own head ; or chalk an 
outlandish figure, but every outlandish genius is eager to write 
his own name under it. However we may be mortified, that 
these men should each individually think himself of sufficient 
consequence to engage our attention, we should not care a rush 
about it, if they did not get into a passion and complain of 
having been ill-used. 

It is not in our hearts to hurt the feelings of one single mor- 
tal, by holding him up to public ridicule ; and if it were, we 
lay it down as one of our indisputable facts, that no man can 
be made ridiculous but by his own folly. As, however, we are 
aware that when a man by chance gets a thwack in the crowd, 
he is apt to suppose the blow was intended exclusively for him- 
self, and so fall into unreasonable anger, we have determined 
to let these crusty gentry know what kind of satisfaction they 
are to expect from us. We are resolved not to fight, for three 
special reasons ; first, because fighting is at all events extremely 
troublesome and inconvenient, particularly at this season of the 
year ; second, because if either of us should happen to be 
killed, it would be a great loss to the public, and rob them of 
many a good laugh we have in store for their amusement ; and 
third, because if we should chance to kill our adversary, as is 
most likely, for we can every one of us split balls upon razors, 
and snuff candles, it would be a loss to our publisher, by de- 
priving him of a good customer. If any gentleman casuist 
will give three as good reasons for fighting, we promise him a 
complete set of Salmagundi for nothing. 

But though we do not fight in our own proper persons, let it 
not be supposed that we will not give ample satisfaction to all 
those who may choose to demand it — for this would be a mis- 
take of the first magnitude, and lead very valiant gentlemen per- 
haps into what is called a quandary. It would be a thousand 
and one pities, that any honest man, after taking to himself 
the cap and bells which we merely offered to his acceptance, 
should not have the privilege of being cudgelled into the bar- 
gain. We pride ourselves upon giving satisfaction in every 
department of our paper ; and to fill that of fighting have en- 
gaged two of those strapping heroes of the theatre, who figure 
in the retinues of our gingerbread kings and queens ; now 
hurry an old stuff petticoat on their backs, aud strut senators 
of Rome, or aldermen of London ; — and now be-whisker their 



30 SALMAGUNDI. 

muffin faces with burnt cork, and swagger right valiant war- 
riors, armed cap-a-pie, in buckram. Should, therefore, any 
great little man about town, take offence at our good-natured 
villany, though we intend to offend nobody under heaven, he 
will please to apply at any hour after twelve o'clock, as our 
champions will then be off dut}- at the theatre and ready for 
any thing. They have promised to fight "with or without 
balls," — to give two tweaks of the nose for one — to submit to 
be kicked, and to cudgel their applicant most heartily in re- 
turn ; this being what we understand by " the satisfaction of a 
gentleman." 



SALMAGUNDI. 31 



NO. III. -FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

As I delight in every thing novel and eccentric, and would 
at any time give an old coat for a new idea, I am particularly 
attentive to the manners and conversation of strangers, and 
scarcely ever a traveller enters this city, whose appearance 
promises any thing original, but b}' some means or another I 
form an acquaintance with him. I must confess I often suffer 
manifold afflictions from the intimacies thus contracted : my 
curiosity is frequently punished by the stupid details of a 
blockhead, or the shallow verbosity of a coxcomb. Now I 
would prefer at any time to travel with an ox-team through a 
Carolina sand-flat rather than plod through a heavy uumeauing 
conversation with the former ; and as to the latter, I would 
sooner hold sweet converse with the wheel of a knife grinder 
than endure his monotonous chattering. In fact, the strangers 
who flock to this most pleasant of all earthly cities, are gener- 
ally mere birds of passage wliose plumage is often gay enough, 
I own, but their notes, "heaven save the mark," are as un- 
musical as those of that classic niglit bird, which the ancients 
humorously selected as the emblem of wisdom. Those from 
the south, it is true, entertain me with their horses, equipages, 
and puns : and it is excessively pleasant to hear a cou[)le of 
these four in hand gentlemen detail their exploits over a 
bottle. Those from the east have often induced me to doubt 
the existence of the wise men of yore, who are said to have 
flourislied in that quarter ; and as for those from parts beyond 
seas — oh! my masters, ye shall hear more from me anon. 
Heaven help this unhappy town ! — hath it not goslings enow 
of its own hatching and rearing, that it must be overwhelmed 
b}^ such an inundation of ganders from other climes ? I would 
not have any of my courteous and gentle readers suppose that 
I am running a muck, full tilt, cut and slash upon all foreign- 
ers indiscriminately. I have no national autipathies, though 
related to the Cockloft family. As to honest John Bull, I 



32 SALMAGUNDI. 

shake him heartily by the hand, assuring him that I love his 
jolly countenance, and moreover am lineally descended from 
him ; in proof of which I allege mj' invincible predilection for 
roast beef and pudding. I therefore look upon all his children 
as my kinsmen ; and I beg when I tackle a cockney 1 may not 
be understood as trimming an Englishman ; the}' being very 
distinct animals, as I shall clearly demonstrate in a future 
number. If any one wishes to know my opinion of the Irish 
and Scotch, he may find it in the characters of those two 
nations, drawn by the first advocate of the age. But the 
French, 1 must confess, are my favorites ; and 1 have taken 
more pains to argue my cousin Pindar out of his antipath}' to 
them, than I ever did aljout any other thing. When, therefore, 
I choose to hunt a Monsieur for my own particular amusement, 
I beg it may not be asserted that I intend him as a representa- 
tive of his countrymen at large. P^ar from this — I love the 
nation, as being a nation of right merry fellows, possessing the 
true secret of being happy ; which is nothing more than thinking 
of nothing, talking about any thing, and laughing at every 
thing. I mean only to tune up those little thing-0"m3's, who 
rein-esent nobody but themselves ; who have no national trait 
about them but their language, and who hop about our town in 
swarms like little toads after a shower. 

Among the few strangers whose acquaintance has enter- 
tained me, I particularly rank the magnanimous Mustapha 
Ruu-A-DUH Keli Kuan, a most illustrious captain of a ketch, 
who figured some time since, in our fashionable circles, at the 
head of a ragged regiment of Tripolitau prisoners. His con- 
versation was to me a perpetual feast ; — I chuckled with 
inward pleasure at his whimsical mistakes and unaffected obser- 
vations on men and manners ; and I rolled each odd conceit "like 
a sweet morsel under my tongue." 

Whether Mustapha was captivated by my iron-bound physi- 
ognomy, or flattered by the attentions which I paid him, I 
won't determine; but I so far gained his confidence, that, at 
his departure, he presented me with a bundle of papers, con- 
taining, among other articles, several copies of letters, which 
he had written to his friends at Tripoli. — The following is a 
translation of one of them. — The original is in Arabic-Greek ; 
but by the assistance of Will Wizard, who understands all 
languages, not excepting that manufactured by Psalmanzar, I 
have been enabled to accomplish a tolerable translation. We 
should have found little difficulty in rendering it into English, had 
it not been for Mustapha's confounded pot-hooks and trammels. 



SALMAGUNDI. 33 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEJI HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Thou wilt learn from this letter, most illustrious disciple of 
Mahomet, that I have for some time resided in New York ; 
the most polished, vast, and maguitieeut city of the United 
States of America. But what to me are its delights ! I wan- 
der a captive through its splendid streets, I turn a heavy eye 
on every rising day tliat beholds me banished from my country. 
The Christian husbands here lament most bitterly an^' short 
absence from home, though they leave but one wife behind to 
lament their departure; — what then must be the feelings of 
thy unhappy kinsman, while thus lingering at an immeasurable 
distance from three-aud-twenty of tlie most lovely and obedient 
wives in all Tripoli ! Oh, Allah ! shall thy servant never agaia 
return to his native land, nor behold his beloved wives, who 
beam on his memory beautiful as the rosy morn of the east, and' 
graceful as Mahomet's camel ! 

Yet beautiful, oh, most puissant slave-driver, as are ray 
wives, tliey are far exceeded by the women of this country. 
Even those who run about the streets with bare arms and necks- 
{et cetera) whose habiliments are too scanty to protect them 
either from the inclemency of the season, or the scrutinizing 
glances of the curious, and who it would seem belong to no- 
body, are lovely as the houris that people the elysium of true 
believers. If, then, such as run wild in tlie highways, and 
whom no one cares to appropriate, are thus beauteous ; what 
must be the charms of those who are shut up in the seraglios 
and never permitted to go abroad ! surely the region of beaut}', 
the valley of the graces, can contain nothing so inimitably fair ! 

But, notwithstanding the charms of these infidel women, 
they are apt to have one fault, which is extremely troublesome 
and inconvenient. Wouldst thou believe it, Asem, I have 
been positively assured by a famous dervise, or doctor as he is 
here called, that at least one-fifth part of them — have souls! 
Incredible as it may seem to thee, I am the more inclined to 
believe them in possession of this monstrous superfluity, from 
my own little experience, and from the information which I 
have derived from others. In walking the streets I have 
actually seen an exceedingly good-looking woman with soul 



34 SALMAGUNDI. 

enough to box her husband's ears to his heart's content, and 
my very whiskers trembled with indignation at the abject state 
of these wretched infidels. I am told, moreover, that some of 
the women have soul enough to usurp the breeches of the men, 
but these I suppose are married and kept close ; for I have not, 
in my rambles, met with any so extravagantlj' accoutred ; 
others, I am informed, have soul enough to swear! — 3'ea ! by 
the beard of the great Omar, who prayed three times to each 
of the one hundred and twenty-four thousand prophets of our 
most holy faith, and who never swore but ouce in his life — they 
actually swear ! 

Get thee to the mosque, good Asem ! return thanks to our 
most holy prophet that he has been thus mindful of the com- 
fort of all true Mussulmans, and has given them wives with no 
more souls than cats and dogs, and other necessary animals of 
the household. 

Thou wilt doubtless be anxious to learn our reception in this 
country, and how we were treated by a people whom we have 
been accustomed to consider as unenlightened barbarians. 

On landing, we were waited upon to our lodgings, I suppose 
according to the directions of the municipality, b}' a vast and 
respectable escort of boys and negroes ; who shouted and 
threw up their hats, doubtless to do honor to the magnani- 
mous Mustapha, cai)tain of a ketch ; they were somewhat rag- 
ged and dirty in their equipments, but this we attributed to 
their republican simplicit}'. One of them, in the zeal of ad- 
miration, threw an old shoe, which gave thy friend rather an 
ungentle salutation on one side of the head, whereat I was not 
a little offended, until the interpreter informed us that this 
was the customary manner in which great men were honored 
in this country ; and that the more distinguished the}' were, 
the more they were subjected to the attacks and peltings of 
the mob. Upon this I bowed my head three times, with my 
hands to my turban, and made a speech in Arabic-Greek, which 
gave great satisfaction and occasioned a shower of old shoes, 
hats, and so forth, that was exceedingly refreshing to us all. 

Thou wilt not as yet expect that I should give thee an 
account of the laws and politics of this country. I will reserve 
them for some future letter, when I shall be more experienced 
in their complicated and seemingly contradictory nature. 

This empire is governed by a grand and most puissant ba- 
shaw, whom they dignify with the title of president. He is 
chosen by persons who are chosen by an assembly elected by 
the people — hence the mob is called the sovereign people ; and 



SALMAGUNDI. 35 

the countiT, free ; the body politic doubtless resenbling a ves- 
sel, which is best governed by its ta,il. The present bashaw is 
a very plain old gentleman — something, they say, of a humor- 
ist, as he amuses himself with impaling butterflies and pickling 
tadpoles ; he is rather declining in popularity, having given 
great offence b}' wearing red breeches, and t3'ing his horse to a 
post. The people of the United States have assured me that 
they themselves are the most enlightened nation under the sun ; 
but thou knowest that the barbarians of the desert, who assemble 
at the summer solstice to shoot their arrows at that glorious 
luminary, in order to extinguish his burning rays, make pre- 
cisely the same boast ; — which of them have the superior claim, 
I shall not attempt to decide. 

I have observed, with some degree of surprise, that the men 
of this country do not seem in haste to accommodate them- 
selves even with the single wife which alone the laws permit 
them to marry ; this backwardness is probably owing to the 
misfortune of their absolutely having no female mutes among 
them. Thou knowest how invaluable are these silent compan- 
ions ; — what a price is given for them in the east, and what 
entertaining wives they make. What delightful entertainment 
arises from beholding the silent eloquence of their signs and 
gestures ; but a wife possessed both of a tongue and a soul — 
monstrous ! monstrous ! is it astonishing that these unhappy 
infidels should shrink from a union with a woman so prepos- 
terously endowed? 

Thou hast doubtless read in the works of Abul Faraj, the 
Arabian historian, the tradition which mentions that the muses 
were once upon the point of falling together by the ears about 
the admission of a tenth among their number, until she assured 
them by signs that she was dumb ; whereupon they received her 
with great rejoicing. I should, perhaps, inform thee that there 
are but nine Christian muses, who were formerly pagans, but 
have since been converted, and that in this country we never 
hear of a tenth, unless some crazy poet wishes to pay a hyper- 
bolical compliment to his mistress ; on which occasion it goes 
hard, but she figures as a tenth muse, or fourth grace, even 
though she should be more illiterate than a Hottentot, and more 
ungraceful than a dancing-bear ! Since my arrival in this coun- 
try I have met with not less than a hundred of these super- 
numerary muses and graces — and may Allah preserve me from 
ever meeting with any more ! 

When I have studied this people more profoundl}', I will 
write thee again ; in the mean time, watch over my household, 



36 SALMAGUNDI. 

and do not beat my beloved wives unless you catch them with 
their noses out at the window. Though far distant and a slave, 
let me live in thy heart as thou livest in mine : — think not, O 
friend of my soul, that the splendors of this luxurious capital, 
its gorgeous palaces, its stupendous masks, and the beautiful 
females who run wild in herds about its streets, can obliterate 
thee from my remembrance. Thy name shall still be mentioned 
in the five-and-twenty pra3'ers which I offer up daily ; and may 
our great prophet, after bestowing on thee all the blessings of 
this life, at length, in good old age, lead thee gently by the 
hand to enjoy the dignity of bashaw of three tails in the bliss- 
ful bowers of Eden. 

MUSTAPHA. 



FASHIONS. 

By Anthony Evergreen, Gent. 

the following article is furnished me by a young lady of 
unquestionable taste, and who is the oracle of fashion 
and frippery, being deeply initiated into all the mys- 
teries of the toilet, she has promised me from time to 
time a similar detail. 

Mrs. Toole has for some time reigned unrivalled in the 
fashionable world, and had the supreme direction of caps, bon- 
nets, leathers, flowers, and tinsel. She has dressed and un- 
dressed our ladies just as she pleased ; now loading them with 
velvet and wadding, now turning then: adrift upon the world 
to run shivering through the streets with scarcely a covering 

to their backs ; and now obliging them to drag a long train 

at their heels, like the tail of a paper kite. Her despotic sway, 
however, threatens to be limited. A dangerous rival has 
sprung up in the person of Madame Bouchard, an intrepid 
little woman, fresh from the head-quarters of fashion and 
folly, and who has burst, like a second Bonaparte, upon the 
fashionable world. — Mrs. Toole, notwithstanding, seems de- 
termined to dispute her ground bravel}' for the honor of old 
England. The ladies have begun to arrange themselves under 
the banner of one or other of these heroines of the needle, and 
every thing portends open war. Madame Bouchard marches 
gallantly to the field, flourishing a flaming red robe for a 
standard, " flouting the skies ; " and Mrs. Toole, no ways dis- 



SALMAGUNDI. 37 

mayed, sallies out undev cover of a forest of artificial flowers, 
like Malcolm's host. Both parties possess great merit, and 
both deserve the victory. Mrs. Toole charges the highest — 
but Madame Bouchard makes the lowest courtesy. Madame 
Bouchard is a little short lady — nor is there any hope of her 
growing larger ; but then she is perfectly genteel, and so is 
Mrs. Toole. Mrs. Toole lives in Broadway, and Madame 
Bouchard in Courtlandt Street : but Madame atones for the in- 
feriority of her stand by making two courtesies to Mrs. Toole's 
one, and talking P^rench like an angel. Mrs. Toole is the best 
lookincr — but Madame Bouchard wears a most bewitching little 
scrubby wig. — Mrs. Toole is the tallest — but Madame Bouchard 
has the longest nose. — Mrs. Toole is fond of roast beef — but 
Madame is loyal in her adherence to onions : in short, so equally 
are the merits of the two ladies balanced, that there is no judg- 
ing which will "kick the beam." It, however, seems to be 
the prevailing opinion that Madame Bouchard will carry the 
day, because she wears a wig, has a long nose, talks French, 
loves onions, and does not charge above ten times as much for 
a thing as it is worth. 



UNDER THE DIRECTION OF THESE HIGH PRIESTESSES OF THE BEAU- 
MONDE, THE FOLLOWING IS THE FASHIONABLE MORNING DRESS 
FOR W^ALKING. 

If the weather be veiT cold, a thin muslin gown, or frock, is 
most advisable ; because it agrees with the season, being per- 
fectly cool. The neck, arms, and particularly the elbows bare, 
in order that they may be agreeably painted and mottled by 
Mr. John Frost, nose-painter-general, of the color of Castile 
soap. Shoes of kid, the thinnest that can possibly be procured 
— as they tend to promote colds, and make a lady look interest- 
ing — {i.e., grizzly.) Picnic silk stockings, with lace clocks, 
flesh-colored are most fashionable, as they have the appearance 
of bare legs — nudity being all the rage. The stockings care- 
lessly bespattered with mud, to agree with the gown, which 
should be bordered about three inches deep with the most fash- 
ionable colored mud that can be found : the ladies permitted to 
hold up their trains, after they have swept two or three streets, 

in order to show the clocks of their stockings. The shawl, 

scarlet, crimson, flame, orange, salmon, or any other combusti- 
ble or brimstone color, thrown over one shoulder ; like an In- 
dian blanket, with one end dragging on the ground. 



38 SALMAGUNDI. 

N.B. If the ladies have not a red shawl at hand, a red pet- 
ticoat turned topsy-turvy, over the shoulders, would do 311st as 
well. This is called being dressed a la drabble. 

When the ladies do not go abroad of a morning, the usual 
chimney-corner dress is a dotted, spotted, striped, or cross- 
barred gown; — a yellowish, whitish, smokish, dirty colored 
shawl, and the hair curiously ornamented with little bits of 
newspapers, or pieces of a letter from a dear friend. This is 
called the " Cinderella-dress." 

The recipe for a full dress is as follows : take of spider-net, 
crape, satin, gimp, cat-gut, gauze, whalebone, lace, bobbin, 
ribbons, and artificial flowers, as much as will rig out the con- 
gregation of a village church ; to these, add as many spangles, 
beads, and gew-gaws as would be sufficient to turn the heads 
of all the fashionabh foir ones of Nootka Sound. Let Mrs. 
Toole or Madame Bouchard patch all these articles together, 
one upon another, dash them plentifully over with stars, bugles, 
and tinsel, and they will altogether form a dress, which hung 
upon a lady's back, cannot fail of supplying the place of beauty, 
youth, and grace, and of reminding the spectator of that cele- 
brated region of finery, called Bag Fair. 



One of the greatest sources of amusement incident to our 
humorous knight errantry, is to ramble about and hear the 
various conjectures of the town respecting our worships, whom 
everybody pretends to know as well as Falstaff did Prince Hal 
at Gads-hill. We have sometimes seen a sapient, sleepy fellow, 
on being tickled with a straw, make a furious effort and fancy 
he had fairly caught a gnat in his grasp ; so, that many-headed 
monster, the public, who, with all its heads, is, we fear, sadly 
off for brains, has, after long hovering, come souse down, like 
a kingfisher, on the authors of Salmagundi, and caught them 
as certainly as the aforesaid honest fellow caught the gnat. 

Would that we were rich enough to give every one of our 
numerous readers a cent, as a reward for their ingenuity ! not 
that they have really conjectured within a thousand leagues of 
the truth, but that we consider it a great stretch of ingenuity 
even to have guessed wrong ; and that we hold ourselves much 
obliged to them for having taken the trouble to guess at all. 

One of the most tickling, dear, mischievous pleasures of this 
life is to laugh in one's sleeve — to sit snug in the corner, un- 



SALMAGUNDI. o9 

noticed and unknown, and hear the wise men of Gotham, who 
are profound judges of horse-flesh, pronounce, from tlie style of 
our work, who are the antliors. This listening incog., and re- 
ceiving a hearty- praise over another man's back, is a situation 
so celestially whimsical, that we have done little else than laugh 
in our sleeve ever since our first number was published. 

The town has at length allayed the titillations of curiosity, by 
fixing on two young gentlemen of literary talents — that is to 
say, they are equal to the composition of a newspaper squib, a 
liodge podge criticism, or some such trifle, and may occasionally 
raise a smile by their effusions ; but pardon us, sweet sirs, if 
we modestly doubt your capability of supporting the burthen of 
Salmagundi, or of keeping up a laugh for a whole fortnight, as 
we have done, and intend to do, until the whole town becomes 
a community of laughing philosophers like ourselves. We have 
no intention, however, of undervaluing the abilities of these two 
young men, whom we verily believe, according to common ac- 
ceptation, young men 0/ proynise. 

Were we ill-natured, we might publish something that would 
get our representatives into difficulties ; but far be it from us to 
do any thing to the injury of persons to whom we are under such 
obligations. 

While they stand before us, we, like little Teucer, behind the 
sevenfold shield of Ajax, can launch unseen our sportive 
arrows, which we trust will never inflict a wound, unless like his 
they fly "heaven directed " to some conscious-struck bosom. 

Another marvellous great source of pleasure to us, is the 
abuse our work has received from several wooden gentlemen, 
whose censures we covet more than ever we did any thing in our 
lives. The moment we declared open war against folly and 
stupidness, we expected no quarter ; and to provoke a confed- 
eracy of all the blockheads in town. P'or it is one of our indis- 
putable facts that so sure as you catch a gander by the tail, the 
whole flock, geese, goslings, one and all, have a fellow-feeling 
on the occasion, and begin to cackle and hiss like so many 
devils bewitched. As we have a profound respect for these 
ancient and respectable birds, on the score of their once having 
saved the Capitol, we hereby declare that we mean no offence to 
the aforesaid confederacy. We have heard in our walks such 
criticisms on Salmagundi, as almost induced a belief that folly 
had here, as in the east, her moments of inspired idiotism. 
Every sill}' royster has, as if by an instinctive sense of antici- 
pated danger, joined in the cry ; and condemned us without 
mercy. All is thus as it should be. It would have mortified us 



40 SALMAGUNDI. 

very sensibly, had we been disappointed in this particular, as 
we should have been apprehensive that our shafts had fallen to 
the ground, innocent of the " blood or brains " of a single 
numskull. Our efforts have been crowned with wonderful suc- 
cess. All the queer fish, the grubs, the flats, the noddies, and 
the live oak and timber gentlemen, are pointing their empty 
guns at us ; and we are threatened with a most puissant confed- 
eracy of the "pygmies and cranes," and other " light militia," 
backed by the heavy armed artillery of duluess and stupidity. The 
veriest dreams of our most sanguine moments are thus realized. 
We have no fear of the censures of the wise, the good, or the 
fair ; for they will ever be sacred from our attacks. We rever- 
ence the wise, love the good, and adore the fair ; we declare 
ourselves champions in their cause ; — in the cause of morality ; 
— and we throw our gauntlet to all the world besides. 

While we profess and feel the same indifference to public 
applause as at first, we most earnestly invite the attacks and 
censures of all the wooden warriors of this sensible city ; and 
especially of that distinguished and learned body, heretofore 
celebrated under the appellation of " the North-river society." 

The thrice valiant and renowned Don Quixote never made 
such work among the wool-clad warriors of Trapoban, or the 
puppets of the itinerant showman, as we promise to make 
among these fine fellows ; and we pledge ourselves to the pub- 
lic in general, and the Albany skip[)ers in particular, that the 
North River shall not be set on fire this winter at least, for we 
shall give the authors of that nefarious scheme, ample employ- 
ment for some time to come. 



PROCLAMATION, 

FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

To all the young belles who enliven our scene, 
From ripe five-and-forty, to blooming fifteen ; 
Who racket at routs, and who rattle at plays. 
Who visit, and fidget, and dance out their days : 
Who conquer all hearts, with a shot from the eye, 
AVho freeze with a frown, and who thaw with a sigh : — 
To all those bright youths who embellish the age, 
Whether young boys, or old boys, or numskull or sage: 



SALMAGUNDI. 41 

Whether dull pogs, who cringe at their mistress' feet, 
Who sigh and who whine, and who try to look sweet ; 
Whether tough dogs, who squat down stock still iu a row 
And play wooden gentlemen stuck up for a show ; 
Or SAD DOGS, who glory iu running their rigs, 
Now dash in their sleighs, and now whirl iu their gigs ; 
Who riot at Dyde's on imperial champaign, 
And then scour our city — the peace to maintain : 

To whoe'er it concerns or may happeu to meet, 
By these presents their worships I lovingly greet. 
Now KNOW YE, that I, Pindar Cockloft, esquire, 
Am laureate, appointed at special desire ; — 
A censor, self-dubb'd, to admonish the fair, 
And tenderly take the town under my care. 

I'm a ci-devant beau, cousin Launcelot has said — 
A remnant of habits long vanish'd and dead : 
But still, though my heart dwells with rapture sublime, 
On the fashions and customs which reigu'd iu my prime, 
I yet cau perceive — and still candidly praise, 
Some maxims and manners of these " latter days ; " 
Still own that some wisdom and beauty appears, 
Though almost entomb'd in the rubbish of years. 

No fierce nor tyrannical cynic am I, 
Who frown on each foible I chance to espy ; 
Who pounce on a novelty, just like a kite. 
And tear up a victim through malice or spite : 
Who expose to the scoffs of an ill-natured crew, 
A trembler for starting a whim that is new. 
No, no — I shall cautiously hold up my glass, 
To the sweet little blossoms who heedlessly pass ; 
My remarks not too pointed to wound or offend, 
Nor so vague as to miss their benevolent end : 
Each innocent fashion shall have its full sway ; 
New modes shall arise to astonish Broadway : 
Red hats and red shawls still illumine the town. 
And each belle, like a bonfire, blaze up and down. 

Fair spirits, who brighten the gloom of our days. 
Who cheer this dull scene with your heavenly rays, 
No mortal can love you more firmly and true. 
From the crown of the head, to the sole of your shoe. 
I'm old fashioned, 'tis true, — but still runs in my heart 
That affectionate stream, to which youth gave the start, 
More calm iu its current — yet potent in force ; 
Less ruffled bj- gales — but still steadfast in course. 



42 SALMAGUNDI. 

Though the lover, enraptur'd, no longer appears, — 

'Tis the guide and the guardian enlighten'd b}' years. 

All ripen'd, and niellovv'd, and soften'd by time. 

The asperities polisli'd which chafed in my prime ; 

I am fully prepared for that delicate end. 

The fair one's instructor, companion and friend. 

— And should I perceive you in fashion's gay dance, 

Allured by the frippery mongers of France, 

Expose your weak frames to a chill wintry sky. 

To be nipp'd by its frosts, to be torn from the eye ; 

My soft admonitions shall fall on your ear — 

Shall whisper those parents to whom you are dear — 

Shall warn you of hazards you heedlessly run, 

And sing of those fair ones whom frost has undone ; 

Bright suns that would scarce on our horizon dawn. 

Ere shrouded from sight, they were early withdrawn ; 

Gay sylphs, who have floated in circles below. 

As pure in their souls, and as transient as snow ; 

Sweet roses, that bloom'd and decay'd to my eye. 

And of forms that have flitted and pass'd to the sky. 

But as to those brainless pert bloods of our town. 

Those sprigs of the ton who run decency down ; 

Who lounge and who lout, and who boob}' about, 

No knowledge within, and no manners without; 

Who stare at each beauty with insolent eyes ; 

Who rail at those morals their fathers would prize ; 

Who are loud at the play — and who impiously dare 

To come in their cups to the routs of the fair; 

I shall hold up my mirror, to let them survey 

The figures they cut as they dash it away : 

Should m^- good-humored verse no amendment produce, 

Like scare-crows, at least, they shall still be of use ; 

I shall stitch them, in effigy, up in my rhyme. 

And hold them aloft through the progress of time, 

As figures of fun to make the folks laugh. 

Like that b h of an angel erected by Paff, 

" What shtops," as he says, " all de people what come ; 
What smiles on dem all, and what peats ou de trum." 



SALMAGUNDI. 43 



NO. IV. -TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Perhaps there is no class of men to which the curious and 
literary are more indebted than travellers ; — I mean travel- 
mongers, who write whole volumes about themselves, their 
horses and their servants, interspersed with anecdotes of inn- 
keepers, — droll sayings of stage-drivers, and interesting mem- 
oirs of — the Lord knows who. They will give you a full 
account of a city, its manners, customs, and manufactures ; 
though, perhaps, all their knowledge of it was obtained by a 
peep from their inn-windows, and an mteresting conversation 
with the landlord or the waiter. America has had its share 
of these buzzards ; and in the name of my countrymen I return 
them profound thanks for the compliments they have lavished 
upon us, and the variety of particulars concerning our own 
country, which we should never have discovered without their 
assistance. 

Influenced by such sentiments, I am delighted to find that 
the Cockloft family, among its other whimsical and monstrous 
productions, is about to be enriched with a genuine travel- 
writer. This is no less a personage than Mr. Jekkmy Cock- 
loft, the only sou and darling pride of my cousin, Mr. 
Christopher Cockloft. I should have said Jeremy Cockloft, 
the younger, as he so styles himself, by way of distinguishing 
him from II Signore Jeremy Cockloftico, a gouty old gentle- 
man, who flourished about the time that Pliny the elder was 
smoked to death with the fire and brimstone of Vesuvius ; and 
whose travels, if he ever wrote any, are now lost forever to 
the world. Jeremy is at present in his one-and-tvventieth year, 
and a young fellow of wonderful quick parts, if you will trust 
to the word of his father, who, having begotten him, should be 
the best judge of the matter. He is the oracle of the family, 
dictates to his sisters on every occasion, though they are some 
dozen or more years older than himself : — and never did son 
give mother better advice than Jeremy. 



44 SALMAGUNDI. 

As old Cockloft was determined his sou should be both a 
scholar and a gentleman, he took great pains with his educa- 
tion, which was completed at our university, where he became 
exceedingly expert in quizzing his teachers and plajang bil- 
liards. No student made better squibs and crackers to blow 
up the chemical professor ; no one chalked more ludicrous 
caricatures on the walls of the college ; and none were more 
adroit in shaving pigs and climbing lightning-rods. He more- 
over learned all the letters of the Greek alphabet ; could demon- 
strate that water never "of its own accord" rose above the 
level of its source, and that air was certainly the principle of 
life ; for he had been entertained with the humane experiment 
of a cat worried to death in an air-pump. He once shook down 
the ash-house, by an artificial earthquake ; and nearly blew his 
sister Barbara, and her cat, out of the window with thundering 
powder. He likewise boasts exceedingly of being thoroughly 
acquainted with the composition of Lacedemonian black broth ; 
and once made a pot of it, which had well-nigh poisoned the 
whole family, and actually threw the cook-maid into convul- 
sions. But above all, he values himself upon his logic, has the 
old college conundrum of the cat with three tails at his fingers' 
ends, and often hampers his father with his syllogisms, to the 
great delight of the old gentleman ; who considers the major, 
minor, and conclusions, as almost equal in argument to the 
pulley, the wedge, and the lever, in mechanics. In fact, my 
cousin Cockloft was once nearly annihilated with astonishment, 
on hearing Jeremy trace his derivation of Mango from Jere- 
miah King ; — as Jeremiah King, Jerry King ! Jerkin Girkin ! 
cucumber. Mango ! in short, had Jeremy been a student at 
Oxford or Cambridge, he would, in all probability, have been 
promoted to the dignity of a senior wrangler. By this sketch, 
I mean no disparagement to the abilities of other students of 
our college, for I have no doubt that every commencement 
ushers into society luminaries full as brilliant as Jeremy Cock- 
loft the younger. 

Having made a very pretty speech on graduating, to a nn- 
m.erous assemblage of old folks and young ladies, who all 
declared that he was a very fine young man, and made very 
handsome gestures, Jeremy was seized with a great desire to 
see, or rather to be seen by the world ; and as his father was 
anxious to give him every possible advantage, it was determined 
Jeremy should visit foreign parts. In consequence of this 
resolution, he has spent a matter of three or four months in 
visiting strange places ; and in the course of his travels has 



SALMAGUNDI. 45 

tarried some few days at the splendid metropolises of Albany 
and Philadelphia. 

Jeremy has travelled as every modern man of sense shonld 
do ; that is, he judges of things by the sample next at hand ; 
if he has ever an}' doubt on a subject, always decides against 
the city where he happens to sojourn ; and invariably takes 
home, as the standard by which to direct his judgment. 

Going into his room the other day, when he happened to be 
absent, I found a manuscript volume lying on his table ; and 
was overjoyed to find it contained notes and hints for a book 
of travels which he intends publishing. He seems to have 
taken a late fashionable travel-monger for his model, and I 
have no doubt his work will be equally instructive and amusmg 
with that of his prototype. The following are some extracts, 
which may not prove uninteresting to my readers. 



MEMORANDUMS FOR A TOUR, TO BE ENTITLED 
" THE STRANGER IN NEW JERSEY; OR, COCKNEY 
TRAVELLING." 

BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 

Chapter I. 

The man in the moon^ — preparations for departure — hints 
to travellers about packing their trunks^ — straps, buckles, and 
bed-cords, — case of pistols, cila cockney — five trunks — three 
bandboxes — a cocked hat — and a medicine chest, a la Fran- 
gaise — parting advice of my two sisters — quere, why old maids 
are so particular in their cautions against naughty women — 
description of Powles-Hook ferry-boats — might be converted 
into gunboats, and defend our port equally well with Albany 
sloops — Brom, the black ferryman — Charon — river Styx — 
ghosts ; — major Hunt — good story — ferryage nine-pence ; — 
city of Harsimus — built on the spot where the folk once danced 
on their stumps, while the devil fiddled; — quere, why do the 
Harsimites talk Dutch? — story of the tower of Babel, and con- 
fusion of tongues — get into the stage — driver a wag — famous 
fellow for running stage races — killed three passengers and 
crippled nine in the course of his practice — philosophical 

1 vide Carr's Stranger in Ireland. ^ vide Weld. 



46 SALMAGUNDI. 

reasons why stage drivers love grog — causevi^ay — ditch on 
each side for folk to tumble into — famous place for skilly -pols ; 
Philadelphiaus call 'em tarapins — roast them under the ashes 
as we do potatoes — quere, may not this be the reason that 
the Philadelphiaus are all turtle-heads ? — Hackensack bridge 
— good painting of a blue horse jumping over a mountain — 
wonder who it was painted by; — mem. to ask the Baroyi de 
Gusto about it on m}' return ; — Rattlesnake hill, so called 
from abounding with butterflies ; — salt marsh, surmounted here 
aud there by a solitary haystack ; — more tarapins — wonder 
why the Philadelphiaus don't establish a fishery here, and get 
a patent for it ; — bridge over the Passaic — rate of toll — 
description of toll-boards — toll man had but one eyo. — story 
how it is possible he may have lost the other — pence-table, 
etc.^ 

Chapter II. 

Newark — noted for its fine breed of fat mosquitoes — sting 
through the thickest boot" — story about Gallynipers — Archer 
Gifford and his man Caliban — jolly fat fellows; — a knowing 
traveller always judges of every thing by the inn-keepers and 
waiters ; ^ set down Newark people all fat as butter — learned 
dissertation on Archer Gifford's green coat, with philosophical 
reasons wh^- the Newarkites wear red worsted night-caps, and 
turn their noses to the south when the wind blows — Newark 
academy full of windows — sunshine excellent to make little 
boys grow — Elizabeth-town — fine girls — vile mosquitoes — 
plenty of oysters — quere, have oysters any feeling? — good 
story about the fox catching them by his tail — ergo, foxes 
might be of great use in the pearl-fishery ; — landlord merpber 
of the legislature — treats everybody who has a vote — mem., 
all the inn-keepers members of legislature in New Jersey ; 
Bridge-town, vulgarly called Spank-town., from a story of a 
quondam parson and his wife — real name, according to Linkum 
Fidelius, Bridge-town, from bridge, a contrivance to get dry 
shod over a river or brook ; and town., an appellation given in 
America to the accidental assemblage of a church, a tavern, 
and a blacksmith's shop — Linkum as right as my left leg ; — 
Rahwa}' River — good place for gunboats — wonder wh}' Mr. 
Jefferson don't send a river Jieet there to protect the hay-ves- 

1 vide Carr. ^ vide Weld. 

3 ride Can-, vide Moore, vide AVeld. vide Parkinson, vide Priest, vide Linkum 
Fidelius, and vide Messrs. Tag, Rag, aud Bobtail. 



SALMAGUNDI. 47 

sels ? — Woodbridge — landlady mending her husband's breechea 

— sublime apostrophe to conjugal affection and the fair sex ; ^ 

— Woodbridge famous for its cral)-fishery — sentimental cor- 
respondence between a crab and a lobster — digression to 
Abelard and Eloisa ; — mem., when the moon is in Pisces, she 
plays the devil with the crabs. 



Chapter III. 

Brunswick — oldest town in the state — division-line between 
two counties in the middle of the street ; — posed a lawyer with 
the case of a man standing with one foot in each county — 
wanted to know in which he was domicil — lawyer couldn't 
tell for the soul of him — mem., all the New-Jersey lawyers 
nums. ; — Miss Hay's boarding-school — young ladies not al- 
lowed to eat mustard — and why? — fat story of a mustard-pot, 
with a good saying of Ding-Dong's ; — Vernon's tavern — fine 
place to sleep, if the noise would let you — another Caliban ! — 
Vernon s/ew-eyed — people of Brunswick, of course, all squint ; 

— Drake's tavern — fine old blade — wears square buckles in 
his shoes — tells bloody long stories about last war — people, 
of course, all do the same ; Hook 'em Snivy, the famous for- 
tune-teller, born here — coteraporary with mother Shoulders — 
particulars of his history — died one day — lines to his memory, 
which found their way into my jjocket-book ; ^ — melancholy re- 
flections on the death of great men — beautiful epitaph on 
myself. 

Chapter IV. 

Princeton' — college — professors wear boots ! — students 
famous for their love of a jest — set the college on fire, and 
burnt out the professors ; an excellent joke, but not wortli 
repeating — mem., American students very much addicted to 
burning down colleges — reminds me of a good stor}-, nothing 
at all to the purpose — two societies in the college — good no- 
tion — encourages emulation, and makes little boj^s fight; — 
students famous for their eating and erudition — saw two at 
the tavern, who had just got their allowance of spending-monej' 

— laid it all out in a supper — got fuddled, and d d the 

professors for nincoms. N.B. Southern gentlemen — Church- 

' vide The Sentimental Kotzebue. 2 ^{([g Carr and Blind Bet I 



48 SALMAGUNDI. 

yard — apostrophe to grim death — saw a cow feeding on a grave 

— metemps3chosis — who knows but the cow may have been 
eating up the soul of one of my ancestors — made me melan- 
choly and pensive for fifteen minutes ; — man planting cab- 
bages^ — wondered how he could plant them so straight — 
method of mole-catching — and all that — quere, whether it 
would not be a good notion to ring their noses as we do pigs — 
mem., to propose it to the American Agricultural Society — 
get a premium, perhaps; — commencement — students give a 
ball and supper — company from New York, Philadelphia, 
and Albany — great contest which spoke the best English — 
Albanians vociferous in their demand for sturgeon — Philadel- 
phians gave the preference to raccoon ^ and splacnuncs — gave 
them a long dissertation on the phlegmatic nature of a goose's 
gizzard — students can't dance — always set off with the wrong 
foot foremost — Duport's opinion on that subject — Sir Chris- 
topher Hatton the first man who ever turned out his toes in 
dancing — great favorite with Queen Bess on that account — 
Sir Walter Raleigh — good story about his smoking — his 
descent into New Spain — El Dorado — Candid — Dr. Pangloss 
— Miss Cunegunde — earthquake at Lisbon — Baron of Thunder- 
tentronck — Jesuits — Monks — Cardinal Woolsey — Pope Joan 

— Tom Jefferson — Tom Paine, and Tom the whew! N.B. 

— Students got drunk as usual. 



Chapter V. 

Left Princeton — country finely diversified with sheep and 
haystacks ^ — saw a man riding along in a wagon ! why the 
deuce didn't the blockhead ride in a chair? fellow must be a 
fool — particular account of the construction of wagons — carts, 
wheelbarrows and quail-traps — saw a large flock of crows — 
concluded there must be a dead horse in the neighborhood — 
mem. country remarkable for crows — won't let the horses die 
in peace — anecdote of a jury of crows — stopped to give the 
horses water — good-looking man came up, and asked me if I 
had seen his wife? heavens! thought I, how strange it is that 
this virtuous man should ask me about his wife — story of Cain 
and Abel — stage-driver took a sioig — mem. set down all the 
people as drunkards — old house had moss on the top — swal- 
lows built in the roof — better place than old men's beards — 

1 vide Carr. * vide Priest. * vide Carr. 



SALMAGUNDI. 49 

story about that — derivation of words hippy, hppy, f^'ppy and 
shoo-pig ^ — negro driver could not write his own name — lan- 
guishing state of literature in this countrj' ; ^ — philosophical 
inquiry of 'Sbidlikens, wdiy the Americans are so much inferior 
to the nobility of Cheapside and Shoreditch, and why they do 
not eat plum-pudding on Sunda3's ; — superfine reflections about 
any thing. 

Chapter VI. 

Trenton — built above the head of navigation to encourage 
commerce — capital of the state ^ — only wants a castle, a bay, 
a mountain, a sea, and a volcano, to bear a strong resemblance 
to the Bay of Naples — supreme court sitting — fat chief justice 

— used to get asleep on the bench after dinner — gave judg- 
ment, I suppose, like Pilate's wife, from his dreams — reminded' 
me of Justice Bridlegoose deciding by a throw of a die, and of 
the oracle of the holy bottle — attempted to kiss the chamber- 
maid — boxed my ears till they rung like our theatre-bell — girl 
had lost one tooth — mem. all the American ladies prudes, and 
have bad teeth ; — Anacreon Moore's opinion on the matter. — 
State-house — fine place to see the sturgeons jump up — quere^ 
whether sturgeons jump up by an impulse of the tail, or whether 
they bounce up from the bottom by the elasticit}- of their noses- 

— Liukum Fidelius of the latter opinion — I too — sturgeons' 
nose capital for tennis-balls — learnt that at school — went to 
a ball — negro wench principal musician! — N.B. People of 
America have no fiddlers but females! — origin of the phrase^ 
" fiddle of your heart " — reasons why men fiddle better than 
women ; — expedient of the Amazons who were expert at the 
bow : — waiter at the city-tavern — good story of his — nothing 
to the purpose — never mind — fill up ray book like Carr — 
make it sell. Saw a democrat get into the stage followed by 
his dog.* N.B. This town remarkable for dogs and democrats 

— superfine sentiment^ — good story from Joe Miller — ode to 
a piggin of butter — pensive meditations on a mouse-hole — ■ 
make a book as clear as a whistle ! 

1 vide Carr's learned derivation of gee and whoa. 2 Moore. 

* Carr. « Moore. ^ Carr. 



50 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. v.- SATURDAY, MARCH 7, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

The following letter of my friend Mustapha appears to have 
been written some time subsequent to the one already published. 
Were I to judge from its contents, I should suppose it was sug- 
gested by the splendid review of the twenty-fifth of last Novem- 
ber ; when a pair of colors was presented at the City Hall, to 
the regiments of artillery ; and when a huge dinner was de- 
voured, by our corporation, in the honorable rememlirance of 
the evacuation of this city. I am happy to find that the laud- 
able spirit of military emulation which prevails in our city has 
attracted the attention of a stranger of Mustapha's sagacity ; 
by military emulation I mean that spirited rivalry in the size of 
a hat, the length of a feather, and the gingerbread finery of a 
sword belt. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO ABDALLAH EB'N AL RAHAB, SURNAMED THE SNORER, MILITARY 
SENTINEL AT THE GATE OF HIS HIGHNESS* PALACE. 

Thou hast heard, oh Abdallah, of the great magician, Mulet 
Fuz, who could change a blooming land, blessed with all the 
elysian charms of hill and dale, of glade and grove, of fruit and 
flower, into a desert, frightful, solitary, and forlorn; — who 
with the wave of his wand could transform even the disciples of 
Mahomet into grinning apes and chattering monkeys. Surely, 
thought I to myself this morning, the dreadful Muley has been 
exercising his infernal enchantments on these unhappy infidels. 
Listen, oh Abdallah, and wonder ! Last night I committed my- 
self to tranquil slumber, encompassed with all the monotonous 
tokens of peace, and this morning I awoke enveloped in the 
noise, the bustle, the clangor, and the shouts of war. Every 



SALMAGUNDI. 51 

thing was changed as if by magic. An immense army had 
sprung up, like mushrooms, in a night ; and all the col)blers, 
tailors, and tinkers of the city had mounted the nodding plume ; 
had become, in the twinkling of an eye, helmeted heroes and 
war-worn veterans. 

Alarmed at the beating of drums, the braying of trumpets, 
and the shouting of the multitude, I dressed myself in haste, 
sallied forth, and followed a prodigious crowd of people to a 
place called the Battery. This is so denominated, I am told, 
from having once been defended with formidable ivooden bul- 
warks which in the course of a hard winter were thriftily pulled 
to pieces by an economic corporation, to be distributed for tire- 
wood among the poor ; this was done at the hint of a cunning 
old engineer, who assured them it was the only way in which 
their fortifications would ever be able to keep up a warm fire. 
Economic, my friend, is the watchword of this nation ; I have 
been studying for a month past to divine its meaning, but truly 
am as much perplexed as ever. It is a kind of national starva- 
tion ; an experiment how many comforts and necessaries the 
body politic can be deprived of before it perishes. It has al- 
ready arrived to a lamentable degree of debility, and promises 
to share the fate of the Arabian philosopher, who proved that 
he could live without food, but unfortunately died just as he 
had brought his experiment to perfection. 

On arriving at the Battery, I found an immense army of six 
HUNDRED MEN, drawu up in a true Mussulman crescent. At 
first I supposed this was in compliment to myself, but my inter- 
preter informed me that it was done merely for want of room ; 
the corporation not being able to afford them sufficient to dis- 
play in a straight line. As I expected a display of some grand 
evolutions, and military manoeuvres, I determined to remain a 
tranquil spectator, in hopes that I might possibly collect some 
hints which might be of service to his highness. 

This great body of men I perceived was under the command 
of a small bashaiv, in yellow and gold, with white nodding 
pkimes, and most formidable whiskers ; which, contrary to the 
Tripolitan fashion, were in the neighborhood of his ears instead 
of his nosCo He had two attendants called aid-de-camps, (or 
tails) being similar to a bashaw with two tails. The bashaw, 
though commander-in-chief, seemed to have little more to do 
than myself ; he was a spectator within the lines and I without : 
he was clear of the rabble and I was encompassed b}' them ; 
this was the only difference between us, except that he had the 
best opportunity of showing his clothes. I waited an hour or 



52 SALMAGUNDI. 

two with exemplaiy patience, expecting to see some grand mili- 
tary evolutions or a sham battle exhibited ; but uo such thing 
took place ; the men stood stock still, supporting their arms, 
groaning under the fatigues of war, and now and then sending 
out a foraging party to levy contributions of beer and a favor- 
ite beverage which they denominate grog. As I perceived the 
crowd very active in examining the line, from one extreme to 
the other, and as I could see no other purpose for which these 
sunshine warriors should be exposed so long to the merciless 
attacks of wind and weather, I of course concluded that this 
must be the review. 

In about two hours the army was put in motion, and 
marched through some narrow streets, where the economic 
corporation had carefully provided a soft carpet of mud, to a 
magnificent castle of painted brick, decorated with gi-and 
pillars of pine boards. By the ardor which brightened in each 
countenance, I soon perceived that this castle was to undergo 
a vigorous attack. As the ordnance of the castle was perfectly 
silent, and as they had nothing but a straight street to advance 
through, they made their approaches with great courage and 
admirable regularity, until within about a hundred feet of the 
castle a pump opposed a formidable obstacle in their way, and 
put the whole army to a nonplus. The circumstance was sud- 
den and unlooked for ; the commanding officer ran over all the 
military tactics with which his head was crammed, but none 
offered any expedient for the present awful emergency. The 
pump maintained its post, and so did the commander ; there 
was no knowing which was most at a stand. The command- 
ing officer ordered his men to wheel and take it in flank ; — the 
army accordingly wheeled and came full butt against it in the 
rear, exactl}' as they were before. — " Wheel to the left ! " cried 
the officer ; they did so, and again as before the inveterate 
pump intercepted their progress. " Eight about face ! " cried 
the officer ; the men obeyed, but bungled ; — they/aced hack to 
hack. Upon this the bashaw with two tails, with great cool- 
ness, undauntedly ordered his men to push right forward, pell- 
mell, pump or no pump ; they gallantly obej^ed ; after unheard- 
of acts of braver}' the pump was carried, without the loss of 
a man, and the army firmly entrenched itself under the very 
walls of the castle. The bashaw had then a council of war 
with his officers ; the most vigorous measures were resolved on. 
An advance guard of musicians were ordered to attack the 
castle without mercy. Then the whole band opened a most 
tremendous battery of drums, fifes, tambourines, and trumpets, 



SALMAGUNDI. 53 

and kept up a thundering assault, as if the castle, like the 
walls of Jericho, spoken of in the Jewish chronicles, would 
tumble down at the blowing of rams' horns. After some 
time a parley ensued. The grand bashaw of the city appeared 
on the battlements of the castle, and as far as I could under- 
stand from circumstances, dared the little bashaw of two tails 
to single combat ; — this thou knowest was in the style of an- 
cient chivalry ; — the little bashaw dismounted with great intre- 
pidit}', and ascended the battlements of the castle, where the 
great bashaw waited to receive him, attended by numerous dig- 
nitaries and worthies of his court, one of whom bore the splen- 
did banners of the castle. The battle was carried on entirely 
by words, according to the universal custom of this country, 
of which I shall speak to thee more fully hereafter. The grand 
bashaw made a furious attack in a speech of considerable 
length ; the little bashaw, b}' no means appalled, retorted with 
great spirit. The grand bashaw attempted to rip him up with 
an argument, or stun him with a solid fact ; but the little 
bashaw parried them both with admirable adroitness, and run 
him clean through and through with a syllogism. The grand 
bashaw was overthrown, the banners of the castle yielded up 
to the little bashaw, and the castle surrendered after a vigorous 
defence of three hours, — during which the besieger suffered 
great extremity from muddy streets and a drizzling atmos- 
phere. 

On returning to dinner I soon discovered that as usual I had 
been indulging in a great mistake. The matter was all clearly 
explained to me by a fellow lodger, who on ordinary occasions 
moves in the humble character of a tailor, but in the present 
instance figured in a high military station denominated cor- 
poral. He informed me that what I had mistaken for a castle 
was the splendid ^lalace of the municipality, and that the sup- 
posed attack was nothing more than the delivery of a flag 
given by the authorities, to the army, for its magnanimous de- 
fence of the town for upwards of twenty years past, that is, 
ever since the last war. Oh ! my friend, surely ever}' thing in 
this country is on a great scale ! the conversation insensi- 
bly' turned upon the militar}' establishment of the nation ; and 
I do assure thee that my friend, the tailor, though being, ac- 
cording to a national proverb, but the ninth part of a man, yet 
acquitted himself on military concerns as ably as the grand 
bashaw of the empire himself. He observed that their rulers 
had decided that wars were very useless and expensive, and ill 
befitting an economic, philosophic nation ; they had therefore 



54 SALMAGUNDI. 

made up their minds never to have any wars, and consequently 
there was no need of soldiers or military discipline. As, how- 
ever, it was thought highly ornamental to a city to have a 
number of men drest in fine clothes and feathers, strutting 
about the streets on a holiday — and as the women and chil- 
dren were particularly fond of such raree shoivs, it was ordered 
that the tailors of the different cities throughout the empire 
should, forthwith, go to work, and cut out and manufacture 
soldiers, as fast as their shears and needles would permit. 

These soldiers have no pecuniary pay ; and their only recom- 
pense for the immense services which they render their coun- 
try, in their voluntary parades, is the plunder of smiles, and 
winks, and nods wliich they extort from the ladies. As they 
have no opportunity, like the vagrant Arabs, of making in- 
roads on their neighbors ; and as it is necessary to keep up 
their military spirit, the town is therefore now and then, but 
particularly on two days of the year, given up to their ravages. 
The arrangements are contrived with admirable address, so 
that every officer, from the bashaw down to the di-um-major, 
the chief of the eunuchs, or musicians, shall have his share of 
that invaluable booty, tlie admiration of the fair. As to the 
soldiers, poor animals, they, like the privates in all great ar- 
mies, have to bear the brunt of danger and fatigue, while their 
officers receive all the glory and reward. The narrative of a 
parade day will exemplify this more clearly. 

The chief bashaw, in the plenitude of his authority, orders a 
grand review of the whole army at two o'clock. The bashaw 
with two tails, that he may have an opportunity of vaporing 
about as greatest man on the field, orders the army to assemble 
at twelve. The kiaya, or colonel, as he is called, that is, com- 
mander of one hundred and twenty men, orders his regiment 
or tribe to collect one mile at least from the place of parade at 
eleven. Each captain, or fag-rag as we term them, commands 
his squad to meet at ten at least a half mile from the regimen- 
tal parade ; and to close all, the chief of the eunuchs orders his 
infernal concert of fifes, trumpets, cymbals, and kettle-drums 
to assemble at ten ! from that moment the city receives no 
quarter. All is noise, hooting, hubbub, and combustion. 
Every window, door, crack, and loop-hole, from the garret to 
the cellar, is crowded with the fascinating fair of all ages and 
of all coiuplexions. The mistress smiles through the windows 
of the drawing-room ; the chubby chambermaid lolls out of the 
attic casement, and a host of sooty wenches roll their white 
e3es and grin and chatter from the cellar door. Every nymph 



SALMAGUNDI. bb 

seems anxious to yield voluntarily that tribute which the heroes 
of their couutr}- demand. First struts the chief eunuch, or 
drum-major, at the head of his sable band, magnificently ar- 
rayed in tarnished scarlet. Alexander himself could not have 
spurned the earth more superbly. A host of ragged boys 
shout in his train, and inflate the bosom of the warrior with 
tenfold self-complacency. After he has rattled his kettle- 
drums through the town, and swelled and swaggered like a 
turkey-cock before all the dingy Floras, and Dinahs, and Ju- 
noes, and Didoes of his acquaintance, he repairs to his place of 
destination loaded with a rich booty of smiles and approbation. 
Next comes the Fag-rag, or captain, at the head of his mighty 
band, consisting of one lieutenant, one ensign, or mute, four 
sergeants, four corporals, one drummer, one fifer, and if he 
has any privates, so much the better for himself. In marching 
to the regimental parade he is sure to paddle through the street 
or lane which is honored with the residence of his mistress or 
intended, whom he resolutely lays under a heavy contribution. 
Truly it is delectable to behold these heroes, as they march 
along, cast side glances at the upper windows ; to collect the 
smiles, tlie nods, and the winks, which the enraptured fair 
ones lavish profusely on the magnanimous defenders of their 
country. 

The fag-rags having conducted their squads to their respec- 
tive regiments, then comes the turn of the colonel, a bashaw 
with no tails, for all eyes are now directed to him ; and the fag- 
rags, and the eunuchs, and the kettle-drummers, having had 
their hour of notoriety, are confounded and lost in the military 
crowd. The colonel sets his whole regiment in motion ; and, 
mounted on a mettlesome charger, frisks and fidgets, and 
capers, and plunges in front, to the great entertainment of the 
multitude and the great hazard of himself and his neighbors. 
Having displayed himself, his trappings, his horse, and his 
horsemanship, he at length arrives at the place of general 
rendezvous ; blessed with the universal admiration of his coun- 
try-women. I should perhaps mention a squadron of hardy 
veterans, most of whom have seen a deal of service during the 
nineteen or twenty years of their existence, and who, most 
gorgeously equipped in tiglit green jackets and breeches, trot 
and amble, and gallop and scamper like little devils through 
every street and nook and corner and poke-hole of the city, to 
the great dread of all old people and sage matrons with young 
children. This is truly sublime ! this is what I call making a 
mountain out of a mole-Uill. Oh, my friend, on what a great 



66 SALMAGUNDI. 

scale is every thing in tliis country. It is in the style of the 
wandering Arabs of the desert El-tih. Is a village to be at- 
tacked, or a hamlet to be plundered, the whole desert, for 
weeks beforehand, is in a buzz ; — such marching and counter- 
marching, ere they can concentrate their ragged force ! and the 
consequence is, that before they can bring their troops into 
action, the whole enterprise is blown. 

The army being all happily collected on the Batter3% though, 
perhaps, two hours after the time appointed, it is now the turn 
of the bashaw, with two tails, to distinguish himself. Ambi- 
tion, my friend, is implanted alike in every heart ; it pervades 
each bosom, from the bashaw to the drum-major. This is a 
sage truism, and I trust, therefore, it will not be disputed. 
The bashaw, fired with that thirst for glory, inseparable from 
the noble mind, is anxious to reap a full share of the laurels of 
the day and bear off his portion of female plunder. The drums 
beat, the fifes whistle, the standards wave proudly in the air. 
The signal is given ! thunder roars the cannon ! away goes the 
bashaw, and away go the tails ! The review finished, evolu- 
tions and military manceuvres are generally dispensed with for 
three excellent reasons ; first, because the army knows very 
little about them ; second, because as the country has deter- 
mined to remain always at peace, there is no necessity for 
them to know any thing about them ; and third, as it is grow- 
ing late, the bashaw must despatch, or it will be too dark for 
him to get his quota of the plunder. He of course orders the 
whole army to march : and now, my friend, now comes the tug 
of war, now is the city completely sacked. Open fly the bat- 
tery-gates, forth sallies the bashaw with his two tails, surrounded 
by a shouting body-guard of boys and negroes ! then pour forth 
his legions, potent as the pismires of the desert ! the customary 
salutations of the country commence — those tokens of joy 
and admiration which so much annoyed me on first landing : 
the air is darkened with old hats, shoes, and dead cats ; they 
fly in showei'S like the arrows of the Parthians. The soldiers, 
no ways disheartened, like the intrepid followers of Leonidas, 
march gallantly under their shade. On they push, splash dash, 
mud or no mud. Down one lane, up another: — the martial 
}nusic resounds through ever}' street ; the fair ones throng to 
their windows, — the soldiers look every way but straight for- 
ward. " Carry arms," cries the bashaw — " tanta ra-ra," 
brays the trumpet — "rub-a-dub," roars the drum — "bur- 
raw," shout the ragamuffins. The bashaw smiles with exulta- 
tion — every fag-rag feels himself a hero — ' ' none but the 



SALMAGUNDI. 57 

brave deserve the fair ! " head of the immortal Amrou, on what 
a great scale is every thing in this country. 

Ay, but you'll say, is not this unfair that the officers should 
share all the sports while the privates undergo all the fatigue? 
truly, my friend, I indulged the same idea, and pitied from my 
heart the poor fellows who had to drabble through the mud and 
the mire, toiling under ponderous cocked hats, which seemed as 
unwieldy and cumbrous as the shell which the snail lumbers 
along on his back. I soon found out, however, that they have 
their quantum of notoriety. As soon as the army is dismissed, 
the city swarms with little scouting parties, who fire off their 
guns at every corner, to the great delight of all the women and 
children in their vicinity ; and woe unto any dog, or pig, or hog, 
that falls in the way of these magnanimous warriors ; they are 
shown no quarter. Every gentle swain repairs to pass the 
evening at the feet of his dulcinea, to play " the soldier tired of 
war's alarms," and to captivate her with the glare of his regi- 
mentals ; excepting some ambitious heroes who strut to the 
theatre, flame away in the front boxes, and hector every old 
apple-woman in the lobbies. 

Such, my friend, is the gigantic genius of this nation, and 
its faculty of swelling up nothings into importance. Our 
bashaw of Tripoli will review his troops, of some thousands, 
by an early hour in the morning. Here a review of six hun- 
dred men is made the mighty work of a day ! with us a bashaw 
of two tails is never appointed to a command of less than 
ten thousand men ; but here we behold every grade, from the 
bashaw down to the drum-major, in a force of less than one- 
tenth of the number. By tiie beard of Mahomet, but every 
thing here is indeed on a great scale ! 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

I WAS not a little surprised the other morning at a request 
from Will Wizard that I would accompany him that evening to 

Mrs. 's ball. The request was simple enough in itself, it 

was only singular as coming from Will ; — of all my acquaint- 
ance Wizard is the least calculated and disposed for the society 
of ladies — not that he dislikes their company ; on the contrary, 
like every man of pith and marrow, he is a professed admirer of 
the sex ; and had he been born a poet, would undoubtedly have 



58 SALMAGUNDI. 

bespattered and be-rhymed some hard-named goddess, until she 
became as famous as Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's Sacharissa ; 
but Will is such a confounded bungler at a bow, has so many 
odd bachelor habits, and finds it so troublesome to be gallant, 
that he generally prefers smoking his cigar and telling his story 
among cronies of his own gender : — and thnndering long 
stories they are, let me tell j'ou ; — set W^ill once a going about 
China or Crim Tartary, or the Hottentots, and heaven help the 
poor victim who has to endure his prolixity ; he might better lie 
tied to the tail of a Jack-o'-lantern. In one word — Will talks 
like a traveller. Being well acquainted with his character, I 
was the more alarmed at his inclination to visit a part}^ ; since 
he has often assured me, that he considered it as equivalent to 
being stuck up for three hours in a steam-engine. • I even 
wondered how he had received an invitation ; — this he soon 
accounted for. It seems Will, on his last arrival from Canton, 
had made a present of a case of tea to a lady for whom he had 
once entertained a sneaking kindness when at grammar school ; 
and she in return had invited him to come and drink some of it; 
a cheap way enough of paying off little obligations. I readily 
acceded to Will's proposition, expecting much entertainment 
from his eccentric I'emarks ; and as he has been absent some 
few years, I anticipated his surprise at the splendor and ele- 
gance of a modern rout. 

On calling for Will in the evening, I found him full dressed, 
waiting for me. I contemplated him with absolute dismay. 
As he still retained a spark of regard for the lady who once 
reigned in his affections, he had been at unusual pains in deco- 
rating his person, and broke upon my sight arraj'ed in the true 
style that prevailed among our beaux some years ago. His 
hair was turned up and tufted at the top, frizzled out at the 
ears, a profusion of powder puffed over the whole, and a long 
plaited club swung gracefully from shoulder to shoulder, describ- 
ing a pleasing semicircle of powder and pomatum. His claret- 
colored coat was decorated with a profusion of gilt buttons, 
and reached to his calves. His white cassimere small-clothes 
were so tight that he seemed to have grown up in them ; and 
his ponderous legs, which are the thickest part of his body, 
were beautifully clothed in sky-blue silk stockings, once con- 
sidered so becoming. But above all, he prided himself upon 
his waistcoat of China silk, which might almost have served a 
good housewife for a shortgown ; and he boasted that the roses 
and tulips upon it were the work of Nang Fou, daughter of the 
great Chin-Chin-Fou, who had fallen in love with the graces of 



SALMAGUNDI. 59 

his person, and sent it to him as a parting present ; he assured 
me she was a remarkable beauty, with sweet obliquity of eyes, 
and a foot no larger than the thumb of an alderman ; — he then 
dilated most copiously on his silver-sprigged dickey, which he 
assured me was quite the rage among the dashing young man- 
darins of Canton. 

I hold it an ill-natured office to put any man out of conceit 
with himself ; so, though 1 would willingly have made a little 
alteration in my friend Wizard's picturesque costume, yet I 
politely complimented him on his raliish appearance. 

On enteriug the room I kept a good look-out ou Will, expect- 
ing to see him exhibit signs of surprise ; but he is one of those 
knowing fellows who are never surprised at any thing, or at 
least will never acknowledge it. He took his stand in the mid- 
dle of the floor, playing with his great steel watch-chain ; and 
looking around ou the company, the furniture, and the pictures, 

with the air of a man " who had seen d d finer things in his 

time ; " and to my utter confusion and dismay, I saw him coolly 
pull out his villanous old japanned tobacco-l)ox, ornamented 
with a bottle, a pipe, and a scurvy motto, and help himself to 
a quid in face of all the company. 

I knew it was all in vain to find fault with a fellow of Will's 
Socratic turn, who is never to be put out of humor with him- 
self ; so, after he had given his box its prescriptive rap and 
returned it to his pocket, I drew him into a corner where he 
might observe the company without being prominent objects 
ourselves. 

" And pray who is that stylish figure," said Will, " who 
blazes away in red, like a volcano, and who seems wrapped in 
flames like a fiery dragon? " — That, cried I, is Miss Laukelia 
Dashaway ; — she is the highest flash of the ton — has much 
whim and more eccentricity, and has reduced many an unhappy 
gentleman to stupidity by her charms ; yon see she holds out 
the red flag in token of "no quarter." "Then keep me safe 
out of the sphere of her attractions," cried Will. "I would 
not e'en come in contact with her train, lest it should scorch me 
like the tail of a comet. But who, I beg of you, is that amia- 
ble youth who is handing along a young lady, and at the same 
time contemplating his sweet person in a mirror, as he passes? " 
His name, said I, is Billy Dimple ; — he is a universal smiler, 
and would travel from Dan to Beersheba and smile on every- 
body as he passed. Dimple is a slave to the ladies — a hero at 
tea-parties, and is famous at the pirouet and the pigeon-wing; 
a fiddlestick is his idol, and a dance his elysium. " A very 



60 SALMAGUNDI. 

prett}' young gentleman, truly," cried AVizard ; "he reminds 
me of a cotemporary beau at Hayti» You must know that the 
magnanimous Dessalmes gave a great ball to his court one fine 
sultry summer's evening ; Dessy and me were great cronies ; — 
hand and glove : — one of the most condescending great men I 
ever knew. Such a display of black and yellow beauties ! such 
a show of Madras handkerchiefs, red beads, cock's-tails and 
peacock's feathers ! — it was, as here, who should wear the 
highest top-knot, drag the longest tails, or exhibit the greatest 
variety of combs, colors and gew-gaws. In the middle of the 
rout, when all was buzz, slip-shod, clack, and perfume, who 
should enter but Tucky Squash ! The 3'ellow beauties blushed 
blue, and the black ones blushed as red fts the.y could, with 
pleasure ; and there was a universal agitation of fans ; every 
eye brightened and whitened to see Tucky ; for he was the 
pride of the court, the pink of courtesy, the mirror of fashion, 
the adoration of all the sable fair ones of Hayti. Such breadth 
of nose, such exuberance of lip ! his shins had the true cucumber 
curve ; his face in dancing shone like a kettle ; and, provided you 
kept to windward of him in summer, I do not known a sweeter 
youth in all Hayti than Tucky Squash. When he laughed, 
there appeared from ear to ear a chevaux-de-frize of teeth, that 
rivalled the shark's in whiteness ; he could whistle like a north- 
wester ; play on a three-stringed fiddle like Apollo ; and as to 
dancing, no Loug-Island negro could shuffle you " double-trou- 
ble," or "hoe corn and dig potatoes" more scientifically: — 
in short, he was a second Lothario. And the dusky nymphs of 
Hayti, one and all, declared him a perpetual Adonis. Tucky 
walked about, whistling to himself, without regarding anybody ; 
and his nonchalance was irresistible." 

I found Will had got neck and heels into one of his travel- 
lers' stories ; and there is no knowing how far he would have 
run his parallel between Billy Dimple and Tucky Squash, had 
not the music struck up, from an adjoining apartment, and 
summoned the company to the dance. The sound seemed to 
have an inspiring effect on honest Will, and he procured the 
hand of an old acquaintance for a country dance. It happened 
to be the fashionable one of "the Devil among the Tailors," 
which is so vociferously demanded at every ball and assembly : 
and many a torn gown, and many an unfortunate toe did rue 
the dancing of that night ; for Will, thundering down the dance 
like a coach and six, sometimes right, sometimes wrong ; now 
running over half a score of little Frenchmen, and now making 
sad inroads into ladies' cobweb muslins and spangled tails. As 



SALMAGUNDI. 61 

every part of Will's body partook of the exertion, he shook 
from his capacious head such volumes of powder, that like 
pious Eneas on the first interview with Queen Dido, he might 
l)e said to have been enveloped in a cloud. Nor was Will's 
partner an insignificant figure in the scene ; she was a young 
lady of most voluminous proportions, that quivered at every 
skip ; and being braced up in the fashionable stjde with whale- 
bone, stay-tape, and buckram, looked like an apple-pudding 
tied in the middle ; or, taking her flaming dress into consid- 
eration, like a bed and bolsters rolled up in a suit of red cur- 
tains. The dance finished — I would gladly have taken Will 
off, but no; — he was now in one of his happy moods, and 
there was no doing any thing with him. He insisted on my 
introducing him to Miss Sophy Sparkle, a young lady unri- 
valled for playful wit and innocent vivacity, and who, like a bril- 
liant, adds lustre to the front of fashion. I accordingly pre- 
sented him to her, and began a conversation in which, I thought, 
he might take a share ; but no such thing. Will took his stand 
before her, straddling like a Colossus, with his hands in his 
pockets, and an air of the most profound attention ; nor did he 
pretend to open his lips for some time, until, upon some lively 
sally of hers, he electrified the whole company with a most 
intolerable burst of laughter. What was to be done with such 
an incorrigible fellow? — to add to my distress, the first word 
he spoke was to tell Miss Sparkle that something she said 
reminded him of a circumstance that happened to him in China ; 
— and at it he went, in the true traveller style — described the 
Chinese mode of eating rice with chop-sticks ; — entered into a 
long eulogium on the succulent qualities of boiled birds' nests ; 
and I made my escape at the very moment when he was on the 
point of squatting down on the floor, to show how the little 
Chinese Joshes sit cross-legged. 



TO THE LADIES. 

FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

Though jogging down the hill of life, 
Without the comfort of a wife ; 
And though I ne'er a helpmate chose, 
To stock my house and mend my hose ; 



62 SALMAGUNDI. 

With care my person to adorn, 

And spruce me up on Sunday morn ; — = 

Still do 1 love tlie gentle sex, 

And still with cares my brain perplex 

To keep the fair ones of the age 

Unsullied as the spotless page ; 

All pure, all simple, all refined, 

The sweetest solace of mankind. 

I hate the loose, insidious jest 
To beauty's modest ear addrest. 
And hold that frowns should never fail 
To check each smooth, but fulsome tale; 
But he whose impious pen should dare 
Invade the morals of the fair, 
To taint that purity divine 
Which should each female heart enshrine ; 
Though soft his vicious strains should swell, 
As those which erst from Gabriel fell, 
Should 3'et be held aloft to shame. 
And foul dishonor shade his name. 
Judge, then, my friends, of my surprise, 
The ire that kmdled in my eyes, 
When I relate, that t'other day 
I went a morning-call to pay. 
On two young nieces : just come down 
To take the polish of the town. 
By which I mean no more or less 
Than cl la Frangaise to undress ; 
To whirl the modest waltz' rounds. 
Taught by Duport for snug ten pounds. 
To thump and thunder through a song, 
Play/ortes soft and dolce's strong; 
ExhilDit loud piano feats. 
Caught from that crotchet-hero, Meetz ; 
To drive the rose-bloom from the face. 
And fix the lily in its place ; 
To doff the white, and in its stead 
To bounce about in brazen red. 

AYhile in the parlor I delay'd, 
Till they their persons had arra^^'d, 
A dapper volume caught my eye, 
That on the window chanced to lie : 
A book's a friend — I always choose 
To turn its pages and peruse : — 



SALMAGUNDI. 63 

It proved those poems known to fame 
For praising every C3'priau dame ; — 
The bantlings of a dapper youth, 
Renown'd for gratitude and truth : 
A little pest, hight Tommy Moore, 
Who hopp'd and skipp'd our country o'er; 
Who sipp'd our tea and lived on sops, 
Revell'd on syllabubs and slops, 
And when his brain, of cobweb fine, 
Was fuddled with five drops of wine, 
Would all his puny loves rehearse. 
And many a maid debauch — in verse. 
Surprised to meet in open view, 
A book of such lascivious hue, 
I chid my nieces — but they say, 
'Tis all the passion of the day ; — 
That many a fashionable belle 
Will with enraptured accents dwell 
On the sweet morceau she has found 
In this delicious, curst, compound ! 

Soft do the tinkling numbers roll. 
And lure to vice the uuthiuking soul ; 
They tempt by softest sounds away. 
They lead entranced the heart astray ; 
And Satan's doctrine sweetly sing. 
As with a seraph's heavenly string. 
Such sounds, so good, old Homer sung, 
Once warbled from the Siren's tongue ; — ■ 
Sweet melting tones were heard to pour 
Along Ausonia's sun-gilt shore ; 
Seductive strains in ether float, 
And every wild deceitful note 
That could the yielding heart assail, 
Were wafted on the breathing gale ; — 
And every gentle accent bland 
To tempt Ulysses to their strand. 

And can it be this book so base, 
Is laid on every window-case? 
Oh ! fair ones, if you will profane 
Those breasts where heaven itself should reign ; 
And throw those pure recesses wide. 
Where peace and virtue should reside 
To let the holy pile admit 
A guest unhallowed and unfit ; 



64 SALMAGUNDI. 

Pray, like the frail ones of the night, 

Who hide their wanderings from the light, 

So let your errors secret be, 

And hide, at least, 3'our fault from me : 

Seek some by-corner to explore 

The smooth, polluted pages o'er : 

There drink the insidious poison in, 

There slyly nurse your souls for sin : 

And while that purity 3'ou blight 

Which stamps you messengers of light, 

And sap those mounds the gods bestow, 

To keep you spotless here below ; 

Still in compassion to our race, 

Who joy, not only in the face, 

But in that more exalted part. 

The sacred temple of the heart ; 

Oh ! hide for ever from our view, 

The fatal mischief you pursue : — 

Let MEN your praises still exalt. 

And none but angels mourn your fault. 



SAL3IAGUNDL Oo 



NO. YL- FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

TiiK Cockloft fiimily, of which I have mfide such frequent 
meutiou, is of great antiquity, if there be any truth in the 
genealogical tree which hangs up in lu}' cousin's librar3^ They 
trace tlieir descent from a celebrated Roman knight, cousin to 
the progenitor of his majesty of Britain, who left his native 
country ou occasion of some disgust ; and coming into Wales 
became a great favorite of prince Madoc, and accompanied 
tliat famous argonaut in the voyage wliich ended in the dis- 
covery of this continent. Though a member of the family, I 
have sometimes ventured to doubt tlie authenticity of this poi'- 
tion of their annals, to the great vexation of cousin Christopher: 
who is looked up to as the head of our house ; and who, though 
as orthodox as a bishop, would sooner give up the whole deca- 
logue than lop off a single limb of the family tree. From time 
immemorial, it has been the rule for the Cocklofts to marry 
one of their own name ; and as they always bred like rabbits, 
tlie family has increased and multiplied like that of Adam and 
P>e. In truth, their number is almost incredible : and you can 
hardly go into any part of the country without starting a war- 
ren of genuine Cocklofts. Every person of the least observation 
or experience must have observed that where this practice of 
marrying cousins and second cousins prevails in a famil}-, eA'ery 
member in the course of a few generations becomes queer, 
humorous, and original ; as much distinguished from the 
common race of mongrels as if he was of a different species. 
This has happened in our family, and particularly in that branch 
of it of which Mr. Christopher Cockloft, or, to do him justice. 
Mr. Christopher Cockloft, Esq., is the head. Christopher is, 
in fact, the only married man of the name who resides in town ; 
his family is small, having lost most of his children when young, 
by the excessive care he took to bring them up like vegetables. 
This was one of his first whim-whams, and a confounded one 
it was, as his children might have told, had they not fallen 



66 SALMAGUNDI. 

victims to this experiment before thej^ could talk. He had got 
from some quack philosopher or other a notion that there was 
a complete analogy between children and plants, and that they 
ought to be both reared alike. Accordingly, he sprinkled them 
every morning with water, laid them out in the sun, as he did 
his geraniums ; and if the season was remarkably dry, repeated 
this wise experiment three or four times of a morning. The 
consequence was, the poor little souls died one after the other, 
except Jeremy and his two sisters, who, to be sure, are a trio 
of as odd, runty, mummy-looking originals as ever Hogarth 
fancied in his most happy moments. Mrs. Cockloft, the larger 
if not the better half of my cousin, often remonstrated against 
this vegetable theory ; and even brought the parson of the 
parish in which my cousin's country house is situated to her 
aid, but in vain ; Christopher persisted, and attributed the 
failure of his plan to its not having been exactly conformed to. 
As I have mentioned Mrs. Cockloft, I may as well say a little 
more about her while I am in the humor. She is a lady of 
wonderful notability, a warm admirer of shining mahogany, 
clean hearths, and her husband ; who she considers the wisest 
man in the world, bating Will Wizard and the parson of our 
parish ; the last of whom is her oracle on all occasions. She 
goes constantly to church every Sunday and Saints-da}^ ; and 
insists upon it that no man is entitled to ascend a pulpit unless 
he has been ordained by a bishop ; nay, so far does she carry 
her orthodoxy, that all the argument in the world will never 
persuade her that a Presbyterian or Baptist, or even a Calvin- 
ist, has any possible chance of going to heaven. Above every 
thing else, however, she abhors paganism. Can scarcely 
refrain from laying violent hands on a pantheon when she meets 
with it ; and was very nigh going into hysterics when ni}^ cousin 
insisted one of his boys should be christened after our laureate : 
because the parson of the parish had told her that Pindar was 
the name of a pagan writer, famous for his love of boxing 
-matches, wrestling, and horse-racing. To sum up all her 
qualifications in the shortest possible way, Mrs. Cockloft is, in 
the true sense of the phrase, a good sort of woman ; and I often 
congratulate my cousin on possessing her. The rest of the 
family consists of Jeremy Cockloft the younger, who has 
already been mentioned, and the two Miss Cocklofts, or rather 
the young ladies, as they have been called by the servants, 
time out of mind ; not that they are really young, the younger 
i)eing somewhat on the shady side of thirty, but it has ever 
ueeu tlie custom to call every member of the family young 



SALMAGUNDI. QJ 

under fifty. In the southeast corner of the house, I hold quiet 
possession of an old-fasliioned apartment, where myself and 
my elbow-chair are suffered to amuse ourselves undisturbed, 
save at meal times. This apartment old Cockloft has face- 
tiously denominated cousin Launce's paradise ; and the good 
old gentleman has two or three favorite jokes about it, which 
are served up as regularly as the standing family dish of beef- 
steak and onions, which every day maintains its station at the 
foot of the table, in defiance of mutton, poultry, or even veni- 
son itself. 

Though the family is apparently small, yet, like most old es- 
tablishments of the kind, it does not want for honorary mem- 
bers. It is the city rendezvous of the Cocklofts ; and we are 
continually enlivened by the company of half a score of uncles, 
aunts, and cousins, in the fortieth remove, from all parts of 
the countrj^, who profess a wonderful regard for cousin Chris- 
topher, and overwhelm every member of his household, down 
to the cook in the kitchen, with their attentions. We have for 
three weeks past been greeted with the company of two worthy 
old spinsters, who came down from the country to settle a law- 
suit. They have done little else but retail stories of their vil- 
lage neighbors, knit stockings, and take snuflT all the time they 
have been here ; the whole family are bewildered with church- 
yard tales of sheeted ghosts, white horses without heads and 
with large goggle eyes in their buttocks ; and not one of the 
old servants dare budge an inch after dark without a numerous 
company at his heels. My cousin's visitors, however, always 
return his hospitality with dne gratitude, and now and then re^ 
mind him of their fraternal regard by a present of a pot of 
apple-sweetmeats or a barrel of sour cider at Christmas. Jeremy 
displays himself to great advantage among his country' relations, 
who all think him a prodigy, and often stand astounded, iu 
*■' gaping wonderment," at his natural philosoph}'. He lately 
frightened a simple old uncle almost out of his wits, by giving 
it as his opinion that the earth would one day be scorched to 
ashes by the eccentric gambols of the famous comet, so much 
talked of ; and positively asserted that this world revolved 
round the sun, and that the moon was certainly inhabited. 

The family mansion bears equal marks of antiquity with its 
inhabitants. As the Cocklofts are remarkable for their attach- 
ment to every thing that has remained long iu the family, they 
are bigoted towards their old edifice, and I dare say would 
sooner have it crumble about their ears than abandon it. The 
consequence is, it has beeu so patched up aud repaired, that it 



68 SALMAGUNDI. 

has become as full of whims and oddities as its tenants ; re- 
quires to be nursed and humored like a gouty old codger of an 
alderman, and reminds one of the famous ship in which a certain 
admiral circumnavigated the globe, which was so patched and 
timbered, in order to preserve so great a curiosity, that at 
length not a particle of the original remained. Whenever the 
wind blows, the old mansion makes a most perilous groaning ; 
and every storm is sure to make a day's work for the carpenter, 
who attends upon it as regularly as the family physician. This 
predilection for every thing that has been long in the family 
shows itself in every particular. The domestics are all grown 
gray in the service of our house. We have a little, old, crusty, 
gray-headed negro, who has lived through two or three gener- 
ations of the Cocklofts; and, of course, has become a person- 
age of no little importance in the household. He calls all the 
family by their Christian names; tells long stories about how 
he dandled them on his knee when they were children ; and is a 
complete Cockloft chronicle for the last seventy years. The 
family carriage was made in the last French war, and the old 
horses were most indubitably foaled in Noah's ark ; resembling 
marvellously, in gravity of demeanor, those sober animals which 
may be seen any day of the year in the streets of Philadelphia, 
walking their snail's pace, a dozen in a row, and harmoniously 
jingling their bells. Whim-whams are the inheritance of the 
Cocklofts, and every member of the household is a humorist s^a 
generis., from the master down to the footman. The verv cats and 
dogs are humorists ; and we have a little, runty scoundrel of a cur^ 
who, whenever the church-bells ring, will run to the street-door, 
turn up his nose in the wind, and howl most piteously. Jeremy 
insists that this is owing to a peculiar delicacy in tlie organiza- 
tion of his ears, and supports his position by many learned 
arguments which nobody can understand ; but I am of opinion 
that it is a mere Cockloft whim-wham, which the little cur in- 
dulges, being descended from a race of dogs which has flourished 
in the family ever since the time of my grandfather. A propen- 
sit3' to save ever}' thing that bears the stamp of famil}' antiquity, 
has accumulated an abundance of trumpery and rubbish with 
which the house is encumbered from the cellar to the garret ; 
and every room and closet, and corner is crammed with three- 
legged chairs, clocks without hands, swords without scabbards, 
cocked hats, broken candlesticks, and looking-glasses with 
frames carved into fantastic shapes of feathered sheep, woolly 
birds, and other animals that have no name save in books of 
heraldry. The ponderous mahogany chairs in the parlor are of 



SALMAGUNDI. 69 

such unwieldy proportions that it is quite a serious undertaking 
to galhmt one of them across tlie room ; and sometimes make a 
most equivocal noise when you sit down in a hurr}' ; the mantel- 
piece is decorated with little lacquered earthen shepherdesses ; 
some of which are without toes, and others without noses ; and 
the fireplace is garnished out with Dutch tiles, exhibiting a 
great variety of scripture pieces, which my good old soul of a 
cousin takes infinite delight in explaining. — Poor Jeremy hates 
them as he does poison ; for while a yonker, he was obliged by 
his mother to learn the history of a tile every Sunday morning 
before she would permit him to join his playmates ; this was a 
terrible affair for Jeremy, who, lay the time he had learned the 
last had forgotten the first, and was 'obliged to begin again. 
He assured me the other day, with a round college oath, that if 
the old house stood out till he inherited it, he would have these 
tiles taken out and ground into powder, for the perfect hatred he 
bore them. 

My cousin Christopher enjoys unlimited authorit}^ in the 
mansion of his forefathers ; he is truly what may be termed a 
hearty old blade, has a florid, sunshine countenance ; and if 
you will only praise his wine, and laugh at his long stories, 
himself and his house are heartily at your service. — The first 
condition is indeed easily complied with, for, to tell the truth, 
his wine is excellent ; but his stories, being not of the best, and 
often repeated, are apt to create a disposition to yawn ; being, 
in addition to their other qualities, most unreasonably long. 
His prolixity is the moi-e afflicting to me, since I have all his 
stories by heart ; and when he enters upon one, it reminds me 
of Newark causeway, where the traveller sees the end at the 
distance of several miles. To the great misfortune of all his 
acquaintance, cousin Cockloft is blest with a most provokingly 
retentive memory ; and can give day and date, and name and 
age and circumstance, with the most unfeeling precision. 
These, however, are but trivial foibles, forgotten, or remem- 
bered only with a kind of tender, respectful pity, by those who 
know with what a rich redundant harvest of kindness and gen- 
erosity his heart is stored. It would delight you to see with 
wliat social gladness he welcomes a visitor into his house ; and 
the poorest man that enters his door never leaves it without a 
cordial invitation to sit down and drink a glass of wine. By 
the honest farmers round his countr^'-seat, he is looked up to 
with love and reverence ; they never pass him by without his 
inquiring after the welfare of their families, and receiving a 
cordial shake of his liberal hand. There are but two classes of 



70 SALMAGUNDI. 

people who are thrown out of the reach of his hospitality, and 
these are Frenchmen and Democrats. The old gentleman con- 
siders it ti'eason against the majesty of good breeding to speak 
to any A'isitor with his hat on ; but, the moment a Democrat 
enters his door, he forthwith bids his man Pompey bring his hat, 
puts it on his head, and salutes him with an apalling " Well, 
sir, what do you want with me? " 

He has a profound contempt for Frenchmen, and firmly be- 
lieves that they eat nothing but frogs and soup-maigre in their 
own country. This unlucky prejudice is partly owing to my 
great aunt, Pamela, having been many years ago run away 
with by a French Count, who turned out to be the son of a 
generation of barbers ; — and partly to a little vivid spark of 
toryism, which burns in a secret corner of his heart. He was 
a loyal subject of the crown, has hardly yet recovered the 
shock of independence ; and, though he does not care to own 
it, always does honor to his majest^^'s birthday, by inviting a 
few cavaliers, like himself, to dinner; and gracing his table 
with more than ordinary festivit}-. If by chance the revolution 
is mentioned before him, my cousin shakes his head ; and you 
may see, if you take good note, a lurking smile of contempt in 
the corner of his eye, which marks a decided disapprobation 
of the sound. He once, in the fulness of his heart, observed to 
me that green peas were a month later than they were under 
the old government. But the most eccentric manifestation of 
loj'alty he ever gave, was making a voyage to Halifax for no 
other reason under heaven but to hear his Majesty prayed for 
in church, as he used to be here formerly. This he never could 
be brought fairly to acknowledge ; but it is a certain fact, I 
assure you. It is not a little singular that a person, so much 
given to long story-telling as my cousin, should take a liking to 
another of the same character ; but so it is with the old gentle- 
man : — his prime favorite and companion is Will Wizard, who 
is almost a member of the familj'^ ; and will sit before the 
fire, with his feet on the massy andirons, and smoke his cigar, 
and screw his phiz, and spin awa}' tremendous long stories of 
his travels, for a whole evening, to the great delight of the 
old gentleman and lady ; and especially of the young ladies, 
who, like Desdemona, do "seriously incline," and listen to 
bim with innumerable "'O dears," "is it possibles," "goody 
graciouses," and look upon him as a second Siudbad the 
sailor. 

The Miss Cocklofts, whose pardon I crave for not having 
particularly introduced them before, are a pair of delectable 



SALMAGUNDI. 71 

damsels ; who, having purloined and locked up the family-Bible, 
pass for just what age they please to plead guilty to. Bau- 
BARA, the eldest, has long since resigned the character of a 
belle, and adopted that staid, sober, demure, snuff-taking air 
becoming her years and discretion. She is a good-natured soul, 
whom 1 never saw In a passion but once ; and that was occa- 
sioned by seeing an old favorite beau of hers, kiss the hand 
of a pretty blooming girl ; and, in truth, she only got angry 
because, as she very properly said, it was spoiling the child. 
Her sister Margery, or Maggie as she is familiarly termed, 
seemed disposed to maintain her post as a belle, until a few 
months since ; when accidentally hearing a gentleman observe 
that she broke very fast, she suddenly left off going to the 
assemljl}', took a cat into high favor, and began to rail at the 
forward pertness of young misses. From that moment I set 
her down for an old maid ; and so she is, " by the hand of mj' 
body." The young ladies are still visited by some half dozen 
of veteran beaux, who grew and flourished m the haut ton, 
when the Miss Cocklofts were quite children ; but have been 
brushed rather rudely by the hand of time, who, to say the 
truth, can do almost any thing but make people young. They 
are, notwithstanding, still warm candidates for female favor ; 
look venerably tender, and repeat over and over the same 
honeyed speeches and sugared sentiments to the little belles 
that they poured so profusely into the ears of their mothers. 
I beg leave here to give notice, that by this sketch, I mean no 
reflection on old bachelors ; on the contrary, I hold that next 
to a fine lady, the ne plus %iUra, an old bachelor to be the most 
charming being upon earth ; in as much as by living in " single 
blessedness," he of course does just as he pleases; and if he 
has any genius, must acquire a plentiful stock of whims, and 
oddities, and whalebone habits ; without which I esteem a man 
to be mere beef without mustard ; good for nothing at all, but 
to run on errands for ladies, take boxes at the theatre, and act 
the part of a screen at tea-parties, or a walking-stick in the 
streets. I merely speak of these old boys who infest public 
walks, pounce upon ladies from every corner of the street, 
and worry and frisk and amble, and caper before, behind, and 
round about the fashionable belles, like old ponies in a pasture, 
striving to supply the absence of youthful whim and hilarity, by 
grimaces and grins, and artificial vivacity. I have sometimes 
seen one of these " reverend youths " endeavoring to elevate 
his wintry passions into something like love, by basking in tlie 
sunshine of beauty ; and it did remind me of an old moth 



72 SALMAGUNDI. 

attempting to fly through a pane of glass towards a light, 
without ever approaching near enough to warm itself, or scorch 
its wings. 

Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a family that went 
more by tangents than the Cocklofts. Every thing is governed 
b}' whim ; and if one member starts a new freak, away all the 
rest follow on like wild geese in a string. As the family, the 
servants, the horses, cats, and dogs, have all grown old to- 
gether, they have accommodated themselves to each other's 
habits completely ; and thougli everybody of them is full of odd 
points, angles, rhomboids, and ins and outs, yet, somehow or 
other, they harmonize together like so many straight lines ; 
and it is truly a grateful and refreshing sight to see them agree 
so well. Should one, however, get out of tune, it is like a 
cracked fiddle : the whole concert is ajar ; you perceive a cloud 
over every brow in the house, and even the old chairs seem to 
creak affetuosso. If my cousin, as he is rather apt to do, betray 
any symptoms of vexation or uneasiness, no matter about what, 
he is worried to death with inquiries, which answer no other end 
but to demonstrate the good-will of the inquirer, and put him 
in a passion : for everybody knows how provoking it is to be 
cut short in a fit of the blues, by an impertinent question about 
"What is the matter?" when a man can't tell himself. I 
remember a few months ago the old gentleman came home iu 
quite a squawl ; kicked poor Caesar, the mastiff", out of his 
way, as he came through the hall ; threw his hat on the table 
with most violent emphasis, and pulling out his box, took three 
huge pinches of snuff, and threw a fourth into the cat's eyes as 
he sat purring his astonishment b}^ the fireside. Tliis was 
enough to set the body politic going ; Mrs. Cockloft began " my 
dearing " it as fast as tongue could move ; the young ladies took 
each a stand at an elbow of his chair ; — Jeremy marshalled in 
rear; — the servants came tumbling in; the mastiff put up an 
inquiring nose ; — and even grimalkin, after he had cleaned his 
whiskers and finished sneezing, discovered indubitable signs of 
sympathy. After the most affectionate inquiries on all sides, it 
turned out that my cousin, in crossing the street, had got liis 
silk stockings bespattered with mud by a coach, which it seems 
belonged to a dashing gentleman who had formerly supplied the 
family with hot rolls and muffins ! Mrs. Cockloft thereupon 
turned up her eyes, and the young ladies their noses ; and it 
would have edified a whole congregation to hear the conversa- 
tion which took place concerning the insolence of upstarts, and 
the vulgarity of would-be gentlemen and ladies, who strive to 



SALMAGUNDI. 73 

emerge from low life by dashing about in carriages to pay a 
visit two doors off ; giving parties to people who laugh at them, 
and cutting all their old friends. 



THEATRICS. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

I WENT a few evenings since to the theatre accompanied by 
my friend Snivers, the cockney, who is a man deeph' read in the 
history of Cinderella, Valentine and Orson, Blue Beard, and all 
those recondite works so necessar}' to enable a man to under- 
stand the modern drama. Snivers is one of those intolerable 
fellows who will never be pleased with any thing until he has 
turned and twisted it divers ways, to see if it corresponds witii 
his notions of cougruity ; and as he is none of the quickest in 
his ratiocinations, he will sometimes come out with his appro- 
bation, when everybody else has forgotten the cause which 
excited it. Snivers is, moreover, a great critic, for he finds 
fault with every thing ; this being what 1 understand by modern 
criticism. He, however, is pleased to acknowledge that our 
theatre is not so despicable, all things considered ; and really 
thinks Cooper one of our best actors. The play was Othello, 
and to speak my mind freely, I think I have seen it performed 
much worse in my time. The actors, I firmly believe, did their 
best ; and whenever this is the case no man has a right to 
find fault with them, in my opinion. Little Rutherford, the 
Roscius of the Philadelphia theatre, looked as big as possible ; 
and what he wanted in size he made up in frowning. I like 
frowning in tragedy : and if a man but keeps his forehead in 
proper wrinkle, talks big, and takes long strides on the stage, 
I alwaj's set him down as a great tragedian ; and so does my 
friend Snivers. 

Before the first act was over, Snivers began to flourish his 
critical wooden sword like a harlequin. He first found fault 
with Cooper for not having made himself as black as a negro ; 
"for," said he, "that Othello was an arrant black, appears 
from several expressions of the play ; as, for instance, ' thick 
lips,' ' sooty bosom,' and a variety of others. I am inclined to 
think," continued he, " that Othello was an Egyptian l)y l)irth, 
from the circumstance of the handkerchief given to his mother 



74 SALMAGUNDI. 

by a native of that country ; and, if so, he certainly was as 
black as my hat : for Herodotus has told us, that the Eg3'ptians 
had flat noses and frizzled hair ; a clear proof that they were 
all negroes." He did not confine his strictures to tliis single 
error of the actor, but weut on to run him down iu toto. In 
this he was seconded by a red hot Philadelphian, who proved, 
b}'^ a string of most eloquent logical puns, that Fennel was 
unquestionably in every respect a better actor than Cooper. 1 
knew it was vain to contend with them, since I recollected a 
most obstinate trial of skill these two great Roscii had last 
spring in Philadelphia. Cooper brandished his blood-stained 
dagger at the theatre — Fennel flourished his snuff-box and 
shook his wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortunate Philadel- 
phians were a long time at a loss to decide which deserved the 
palm. The literati were inclined to give it to Cooper, because 
his name was the most fruitful in puns, but then, on the other 
side, it was contended that Feimel was the best Greek scholar. 
Scarcely was the town of Strasburgh in a greater hub-bub 
about the courteous stranger's nose ; and it was well that the 
doctors of the uuiversity did not get into the dispute, else it 
might have become a battle of folios. At length, after much 
excellent argument had been expended on both sides, recourse 
was had to Cocker's arithmetic and a carpenter's rule ; the 
rival candidates were both measured by one of their most 
steady-handed critics, and by the most exact measurement it 
was proved that Mr. Fennel was the greater actor by tln-ee 
inches and a quarter. Since this demonstration of his inferi- 
ority. Cooper has never been able to hold up his head in 
Philadelphia. 

In order to change a conversation in which m}' favorite 
suffered so much, I made some inquiries of the Philadelphian, 
concerning the two heroes of his theatre. Wood and Cain ; but 
I had scarcely mentioned their names, when, whack ! he threw 
a whole handful of puns in my face ; 'twas like a bowl of cold 
water. I turned on m}' heel, had recourse to my tobacco-box, 
and said no more about Wood and Cain ; nor will I ever more, 
if I can help it, mention their names in the presence of a Phil- 
adelpliian. Would that they could leave off punning ! for I love 
every soul of them, with a cordial affection, warm as their own 
generous hearts, and boundless as their hospitality. 

During the performance, I kept an eye on the countenance 
of my friend, the cockney ; because having come all the way 
from England, and having seen Kemble once, on a visit which 
he made from the button manufactory to Lunnuji, I thought 



SALMAGUNDI. 75 

his phiz might serve as a kind of thermometer to direct m}- 
raauifestatioDS of applause or disapprobation. I might as well 
have looked at the back-side of his head ; for I could not, with 
all my peering, perceive by his features that he was pleased 
with au}- thing — except himself. His hat was twitched a little 
on one side, as much as to say, "■ Derame, I'm your sorts!" 
He was sucking the end of a little stick ; he was a " gemman " 
from head to foot ; but as to his face, there was no more ex- 
pression in it than in the face of a Chinese lad}' on a teacup. 
On Cooper's giving one of his gunpowder explosions of passion, 
I exclaimed, "•Fine, very fine!" "Pardon me," said my 
friend Snivers, " this is damnable ! — the gesture, m^^ dear sir, 
only look at the gesture ! how horrible ! do you not observe that 
the actor slaps his forehead, whereas, the passion not having 
arrived at the proper height, he should only have slapped his 

— pocket-flap? — this figure of rhetoric is a most important 
stage trick, and the proper management of it is what peculiarly 
distinguishes the great actor from the mere plodding mechani- 
cal buffoon. Different degrees of passion require different slaps, 
which we critics have reduced to a perfect manual, improving 
upon the principle adopted by Frederic of Prussia, by deciding 
that an actor, like a soldier, is a mere machine ; as thus — the 
actor, for a minor burst of passion merely slaps his pocket-hole ; 
good ! — for a major burst, he slaps his breast ; — very good ! 

— but for a burst maxiraus, he whacks away at his forehead, 
like a brave fellow ; — this is excellent ! — nothing can be finer 
than an exit slapping the forehead from one end of the stage 
to the other." "Except," replied I, "one of those slaps on 
the breast, which I have sometimes admired in some of our fat 
heroes and heroines, which make their whole body shake and 
quiver like a pyramid of jelly." 

The Philadelphian had listened to this conversation with pro- 
found attention, and appeared delighted with Snivers' mechan- 
ical strictures ; 'twas natural enough in a man who chose au 
actor as he would a grenadier. He took the opportunity of a 
pause, to enter into a long conversation with my friend ; and 
was receiving a prodigious fund of information concerning the 
true mode of emphasising conjunctions, shifting scenes, snuff- 
ing candles, and making thunder and lightning, better than you 
can get everj^ day from the sky, as practised at the royal thea- 
tres ; when, as ill luck w^ould have it, they happened to run 
their heads full but against a new reading. Now this was " a 
stumper," as our friend Paddle would say; for the Philadel- 
phians are as inveterate new-reading hunters as the cockneys ; 



76 SALMAGUJVDI. 

and, for anght I know, as well skilled in finding them ont. The 
Philadelphian thereupon met the cockney on his own ground ; 
and at it they went, like two inveterate curs at a bone. Snivers 
quoted Theobald, Ilanmer. and a host of learned commentators, 
who have pinned themselves on the sleeve of Shakspeare's 
immortality, and made the old bard, like General Washington, 
in General Washington's life, a most diminutive figure in his 
own book ; — his opponent chose Johnson for his bottle-holder, 
and thundered him forwajxl like an elephant to bear down the 
ranks of the enemy. I was not long in discovering that these 
two precious judges had got hold of that imlucky passage of 
Shakspeare which, like a straw, has tickled, and puzzled, and 
confounded many a somniferous buzzard of past and present 
time. It was the celebrated wish of Desdemona, that heaven 
had made her such a man as Othello. — Snivers insisted, that 
" the gentle Desdemona " merely wished for such a man for a 
husband, which in all conscience was a modest wish enough, and 
very natural in a young lady who might possibly have had a 
predilection for flat noses ; like a certain philosophical great 
man of our day. The Philadelphian contended with all the ve- 
hemence of a member of congress, moving the house to have 
" whereas," or " also," or " nevertheless," struck out of a bill, 
that the young lady wished heaven had made her a man instead 
of a woman, in ord'^r that she might have an opportunity of 
seeing the " anthropophagi, and the men whose heads do grow 
beneath their shoulders ; " which was a very natural wish, con- 
sidering the curiosity of the sex. On being referred to, I in- 
continently decided in favor of the honorable member who 
spoke last ; inasmuch as I think it was a ver}' foolish, and there- 
fore very natural, wish for a young lady to make before a man 
she wished to marry. It was, moreover, an indication of the 
violent inclination she felt to wear the breeches, which was 
afterwards, in all probability, gratified, if we may judge from 
the title of " our captain's captain," given her by Cassio, a 
phrase which, in my opinion, indicates that Othello was, at that 
time, most ignominiously henpecked. I believe my argument 
staggered Snivers himself, for he looked confoundedly queer, 
and said not another word on the subject. 

A little while after, at it he went again on another track ; 
and began to find fault with Cooper's manner of dying : — "it 
was not natural," he said, for it had lately been demonstrated, 
b}' a learned doctor of physic, that when a man is mortally 
stabbed, he ouglit to take a flying leap of at least five feet, and 
drop down " dead as a salmon in a fishmonger's basket." — 



SALMAGUNDI. 77 

"Whenever a mnn. in the predicament above mentioned, departed 
from this fundamental rule, by falling flat down, like a I02;, and 
rolhng about for two or three niinutes, making speeches all the 
time, the said learned doctor maintained that it was owing to 
the waywardness of the human mind, which delighted in flyino- 
m the face of nature, and dying in defiance of all her es'tab° 
lished rules. — I replied, " for my part, I held that every man 
had a right of dying in whatever position he pleased ; and that 
the mode of doing it depended altogether on the peculiar charac- 
ter of the person going to die. A Persian could not die in peace 
unless he had his face turned to the east ; — a Mahometan would 
always choose to have his towards Mecca ; a F'renchman might 
prefer this mode of throwing a somersault ; but Mynheer Van 
Bruml)lebottom, the Roscius of Rotterdam, always chose to 
thunder down on his seat of honor whenever he received a 
mortal wound. — Being a man of ponderous dimensions, this 
had a most electrifying effect, for the whole theatre '' shook 
like Olympus at the nod of Jove." The Philadelphian was 
immediately inspired with a pun, and swore that Mynheer must 
be great in a d}ing scene, since he knew how to make the most 
of his latter end. 

It is the inveterate cry of stage critics, that an actor does 
not perform the character naturally, if, by chance, he happens 
not to die exactly as they would have him. I think the exhi- 
l)ition of a play at Pekin would suit them exactly ; and I wish, 
with all my heart, they would go there and see one : nature is 
there imitated with the most scrupulous exactness in every tri- 
fling particular. Here an unhappy lady or gentleman, who 
happens unluckily to be poisoned or stabbed, is left on the 
stage to writhe and groan, and make faces at the audience, 
until the poet pleases they should die ; while the honest folks 
of the dramatis personce, bless their hearts ! all crowd round 
and yield most potent assistance, by crying and lamenting most 
vociferously ! the audience, tender souls, pull out their white 
pocket handkerchiefs, wipe their eyes, blow their noses, and 
swear it is natural as life, while the poor actor is left to die 
without common Christian comfort. In China, on the contrary, 
the first thing they do is to run for the doctor and tchoonc, or 
notary. The audience are entertained throughout the fifth act 
with a learned consultation of physicians, and if the j^atient 
must die, he does it secundum artem, and alwa3-s is allowed time 
to make his will. The celebrated Chow-Chow was the com- 
pletest hand I ever saw at killing himself ; he always carried 
under his robe a bladder of bull's blood, which, when he gave 



78 SALMAGUNDI. 

the mortal stab, spirted out, to the infinite delight of the au- 
dience. Not that the ladies of China are more fond of the 
sight of blood than those of our own country ; on the contrary, 
they are remarkably sensitive in this particular ; and we are 
told by the great Linkum Fidelius, that the beautiful Ninny 
Consequa, one of the ladies of the emperor's seraglio, once 
fainted away on seeing a favorite slave's nose bleed ; since 
which time refinement has been carried to such a pitch, that a 
buskined hero is not allowed to run himself through the body in 
the face of the audience. — The immortal Chow-Chow, in con- 
formity to this absurd prejudice, whenever lie pla3's the part of 
Othello, which is reckoned his master-piece, always keeps a bold 
front, stabs himself slyly behind, and is dead before any body 
suspects that he has given the mortal blow. 

P. S. Just as this was going to press, I was informed by 
Evergreen that Othello had not been performed here the Lord 
knows when ; no matter, I am not the first that has criticised 
a play without seeing it, and this critique will answer for the 
last performance, if that was a dozen years ago. 



SALMAGUNDI. 79 



NO. VII. -SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807. 



LETTER FROM IMUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT KAHN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

I PROMISED in a formei' letter, good Asem, that I would fur- 
nish thee with a few hints respecting the nature of the govern- 
ment by which I am held in durance. — Though my inquiries 
for that purpose have been industrious, yet I am not perfectly 
satisfied with their results ; for thou mayest easily imagine that 
the vision of a captive is overshadowed by the mists of illusion 
and prejudice, and the horizon of his speculations must be lim- 
ited indeed. I find that the people of this country are strangely 
at a loss to determine the nature and proper character of their 
government. Even their dervises are extremely in the dark as 
to this particular, and are continually indulging in the most 
preposterous disquisitions on the subject : some have insisted 
that it savors of an aristocracy ; others maintain that it is a 
pure democracy ; and a third set of theorists declare absolutely 
that it is nothing more nor less than a mobocracy. The latter, 
1 must confess, though still wide in error, have come nearest to 
the truth. You of course must understand the meaning of these 
different words, as they are derived from the ancient Greek 
language, and bespeak loudly the verbal poverty of these poor 
infidels, who cannot utter a learned phrase without laying the 
dead languages under contribution. A man, my dear Asem, 
who talks good sense in his native tongue, is held in tolerable 
estimation in this country ; but a fool who clothes his feeble 
ideas in a foreign or antique garb, is bowed down to as a liter- 
ary prodigy. While I conversed with these people in plain 
English, I was but little attended to ; but the moment I prosed 
away in Greek, every one looked up to me with veneration as 
tin oracle. 

Although the dervises differ widely in the particulars above 
mentioned, yet they all agree in terming their government one 



80 SALMAGUNTjI. 

of the most pacific in the known world. I cannot help pitying 
their ignorance, and smiling, at times, to see into what ridicu- 
lous errors those nations will wander who are unenlightened by 
the precepts of Mahomet, our divine prophet, and uuinstructed 
by the five hundred and forty-nine books of wisdom of the im- 
mortal Ibrahim Hassan al Fusti. To call this nation pacific ! 
most preposterous ! it reminds me of the title assumed by the 
sheik of that murderous tribe of wild Arabs, that desolate the 
valleys of Belsaden, who styles himself star op courtesy — 

BEAM OF THE MERCY-SEAT ! 

The simple truth of the matter is, that these people are totally 
ignorant of their own true character ; for, according to the best 
of my observation, they are the most warlike, and, 1 must say, 
the most savage nation that I have as yet discovered among all 
the barbarians. They are not only at war, in their own way, 
with almost every nation on earth, Init they are at the same time 
engaged in the most complicated knot of civil wars that ever in- 
fested any poor unhappy countr}' on which Allah has de- 
nounced his malediction ! 

To let thee at once into a secret, which is unknown to these 
people themselves, their government is a pure unadulterated 
LOGOCRACY, or government of words. The whole nation does 
every thing viva voce, or b}' word of mouth ; and in this manner 
is one of the most military nations in existence. Every man 
who has what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a plenti- 
ful stock of verbosity, becomes a soldier outright ; and is for- 
ever in a militant state. The country is entirely defended vi et 
lingua; that is to say, by force of tongues. The account which 
I lately wrote to our fi'iend, the snorer, respecting the immense 
army of six hundred men, makes nothing against this observa- 
tion ; that formidable body being kept up, as I have already 
observed, only to amuse their fair countrywomen by their splen- 
did appearance and nodding plumes ; and are by way of dis- 
tinction, denominated the "defenders of the fair." 

In a logocracy thou well knowest there is little or no occasion 
for fire-arms, or any such destructive weapons. Every offen- 
sive or defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle, and paper 
war; he who has the longest tongue or readiest quill, is sure to 
gain the victory, — will carry horror, abuse, and inkshed into 
the very trenches of the enemy; and, without mercy or re- 
morse, put men, women, and children to the point of the — pen ! 

There is still preserved in this country some remains of tliat 
gothic spirit of knight-errantry, which so much annoyed the 
faithful in the middle ages of tiie hegira. As, notwithstanding 



SALMAGUNDI. 81 

their marthil disposition, thoy are a people much 2;iven to com- 
merce and agriculture, and must, necessarily, at certain seasons 
be engaged in these employments, they have accommodated them- 
selves by appointing knights, or constant warriors, incessant 
brawlers, similar to those who, in former ages, swore eternal 
enmity to the followers of our divine prophet. — These knights, 
denominated editors or slang-v^hangers, are appointed in 
every town, village, and district, to carry on both foreign and in- 
ternal warfare, and may be said to keep up a constant firing " in 
words." Oh, m}^ friend, could you but witness the enormities 
sometimes committed by these tremendous slaug-whangers,, 
your very turban would rise with horror and astonishment. 1. 
have seen them extend their ravages even into the kitchens; of; 
their opponents, and annihilate the very cook with a blasii:; and; 
I do assure thee, I beheld one of these warriors attack a most 
venerable bashaw, and at one stroke of his pen lay liim opeUi 
from the waistband of his breeches to his chin ! 

There has been a civil war carrying on with great violence 
for some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy among the 
higher classes, to dethrone his highness the present bashaw^ 
and place another in his stead. I was mistajven when I for- 
merl}- asserted to thee that this dissatisfaction arose from his 
wearing red breeches. It is true the nation have long held that 
color in great detestation, in consequence of a dispute they had 
some twenty years since with the barbarians of the British ■ 
islands. The color, however, is again rfeing into favor, as the 
ladies have transferred it to their heads from the bashaw's — 
body. The true reason, I am told, is, that the bashaw ab- 
solutely refuses to believe in the dekige, and in the story of 
Balaam's ass ; — maintaining that this animal was never yet 
permitted to talk except in a genuine logocracy ; where, it is 
true, his voice may often be heard, and is listened to with rev- 
erence, as " the voice of the sovereign people." Nay, so far 
did he carry his obstinacy, that he absolutely invited a professed 
antediluvian from the Gallic empire, who illuminated the whole 
country with his principles — and his nose. This was enough 
to set the nation in a blaze ; — every slang-whanger resorted to his 
tongue or his pen ; and for seven years have they carried on a 
most inhuman war, in which volumes of words have been ex- 
pended, oceans of ink have been shed ; nor has any mercy been 
shown to age, sex, or condition. Every day have these slang- 
whangers made furious attacks on each other, and upon their 
respective adherents : discharging their heavy artillery, consist- 
ing of large sheets loaded with scoundrel ! villain ! liar ! rascal ! 



82 SALMAGUNDI. 

numskull ! nincompoop ! dunderhead ! wiseacre ! blockhead ! 
jackass ! and I do swear, by my beard, though I know thou wilt 
scarcely credit me, that in some of these skirmishes the grand 
bashaw himself has been wof uUy pelted ! yea, most ignomin- 
iously pelted ! — and yet have these talking desperadoes es- 
caped without the bastinado ! 

Ever}' now and then a slang-whanger, who has a longer head, 
or rather a longer tongue than the rest, will elevate his piece 
and discharge a shot quite across the ocean, levelled at the 
head of the emperor of France, the king of P^ngland, or, wouldst 
thou believe it, oh ! Asem, even at his sublime highness the 
basliaw of TripoU ! these long pieces are loaded with single 
ball, or language, as tyrant ! usurper ! robber ! tiger ! monster ! 
and thou mayest well suppose they occasion great distress and 
dismay in the camps of the enemy, and are marvellously annoy- 
ing to the crowned heads at which they are directed. The 
slang-whanger, though perhaps the mere champion of a village, 
having fired off his shot, struts about with great self-congratula- 
tion, chuckling at the prodigious l)ustle he must have occasioned, 
and seems to ask of every stranger, "Well, sir, what do they 
thiuk of me in Europe?"^ This is sufficient to show you the 
manner in which these bloody, or rather windy fellows fight ; 
it is the only mode allowable in a logocracy or government of 
words. I would also observe that their civil wars have a thous- 
and ramifications. 

While the fury of the battle rages in the metropolis, ever}' 
little town and village has a distinct broil, growing like excres- 
cences out of the grand national altercation, or rather agitating 
within it, like those complicated pieces of mechanism where 
there is a " wheel within a wheel." 

But in nothing is the verbose nature of this government 
more evident than in its grand national divan, or congress, 
where the laws are framed ; this is a blustering, wind}- assem- 
;bly, where every thing is carried by noise, tumult and debate ; 

NOTE, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

1 The sage Mustapha, when he wrote the above paragraph, had probably la his eye 
the foUowina; anecdote; related either by Liukiim Fidelius, or Josephus Millerius, vul- 
garly called ejoe Miller, of facetious memory. 

The captain of a slave-vessel, on his first lauding on the coast of Guinea, observed, 
under a palm-tree, a negro chief, sitting most majestically on a stump; while two 
women, with wooden spoons, were administering his favorite pottage of boiled rice; 
which, as his imperial majesty was a little greedy, would part of it escape the place of 
destination and run down his chin. The watchful attendants were particularly careful 
to intercept these scapegrace particles, and return them to their proper port of entry. 
As the captain approached, in order to admire this curious exhibition of royalty, the 
great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and saluted his visitor with the following 
pompous question, " Well, sir! what do they say of me in England ;■" " 



SALMAGUNDI. 83 

for thou must know, that the members of this assembly do not 
meet together to find wisdom in the multitude of counsellors, 
but to wrangle, call each other hard names, and hear themselves 
talk. When the congress opens, the bashaw first sends them a 
long message, i.e., a huge mass of words — vox et preterea nihil., 
all meaning nothing ; because it only tells them what they per- 
fectly know already. Then the whole assembly are thrown into 
a ferment, and have a long talk about the quantity of words that 
are to be returned in answer to this message ; and here arises 
many disputes about the correction of " if so he's," and " how 
so ever's." A month, perhaps, is spent in thus determining the 
precise number of words the answer shall contain ; and then 
another, most probably, in concluding whether it shall be car- 
ried to the bashaw on foot, on horseback, or in coaches. 
Having settled this weighty matter, they next fall to work 
upon the message itself, and hold as much chattering over 
it as so many magpies over an addled egg. This done they 
divide the message into small portions, and deliver them into 
the hands of little juntoes of talkers, called committees : these 
juntoes have each a world of talking about their respective 
paragraphs, and return the results to the grand divan, which 
forthwith falls to and retalks the matter over more earnestly 
than ever. Now, after all, it is an even chance that the sub- 
ject of this prodigious arguing, quarrelling, and talking, is an 
affair of no importance, and ends entirely in smoke. May it 
not then be said, the whole nation have been talkiug to no pur- 
pose? The people, in fact, seem to be somewhat conscious of 
this propensity to talk, by which they are characterized, and 
have a favorite proverb on the subject, viz. : " all talk and no 
cider;" this is particularly applied when their congress, or 
assembly of all the sage chatterers of the nation, have chattered 
through a whole session, in a time of great peril and momen- 
tous event, and have done nothing but exhibit the length of 
their tongues and the emptiness of their heads. This has 
been the case more than once, my friend ; and to let thee into a 
secret, I have been told in confidence, that there have been ab- 
solutely several old women smuggled into congress from differ- 
ent parts of the empire ; who, having once got on the breeches, 
as thou mayest well imagine, have taken the lead in debate, 
and overwhelmed the whole assembly with their garrulity ; for 
my part, as times go, I do not see why old women should not be 
as eligible to public councils as old men who possess their dispo- 
sitions ; — they certainly are eminently possessed of the qualifi- 
cations requisite to govern in a logocracy. 



84 SALMAGUNDI. 

Nothing, as I have repeatedly insisted, can be done in this 
country without talking ; but they take so long to talk over a 
measure, that by the time they-have determined upon adopting 
it, the period has elapsed which was proper for carrying it into 
effect. Unhappy nation ! — thus torn to pieces by intestine 
talks ! never, I fear, will it be restored to tranquillity and 
silence. Words are but breath ; breath is but air ; and air put 
into motion is nothing but wind. This vast empire, therefore, 
may be compared to nothing more or less than a mighty wind- 
mill, and the orators, and the chatterers, and the slang- 
whangers, are the breezes that put it in motion ; unluckily, 
however, they are apt to blow different ways, and their blasts 
counteracting each other — the mill is perplexed, the wheels 
stand still, the grist is unground, and the miller and his family 
starved. 

Every thing partakes of the windy nature of the govern- 
ment. In case of any domestic grievance, or an insult from a 
foreign foe, the people are all in a buzz; — town-meetings are 
immediately held where the quidnuncs of the city repair, each 
like an atlas, with the cares of the whole nation upon his 
shoulders, each resolutely bent upon saving his country, and 
each swelling and strutting like a turkey-cock ; puffed up with 
words, and wind, and nonsense. After bustling, and buzzing, 
and bawling for some time ; and after each man has shown 
himself to be indubitably the greatest personage in the meeting, 
they pass a string of resolutions, i.e. words, which were pre- 
viously prepared for the purpose ; these resolutions, are whim- 
sically denominated the sense of the meeting, and are sent off 
for the instruction of the reigning bashaw, who receives them 
graciously, puts them into his red breeches pocket, forgets to 
read them — and so the matter ends. 

As to his highness, the present bashaw, who is at the very 
top of the logocracy, never was a dignitary better qualified for 
his station. He is a man of superlative ventosity, and com- 
parable to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks of 
vanquishing all opposition by the force of reason and philos- 
oi)liy ; throws his gauntlet at all the nations of the earth, and 
defies them to meet him — on the field of argument! — is the 
national dignity insulted, a case in which his highness of Tripoli 

would immediately call forth his forces ; the bashaw of 

America — utters a speech. Does a foreign invader molest the 
commerce in the very mouth of the harbors ; an insult which 
would induce his highness of Tripoli to order out his fleets ; — 
his highness of America — utters a speech. Are the free citizens 



SALMAGUNDI. 85 

of America dragged from on board the vessels of their country, 

and forcibly detained in the war ships of another power his 

highness — utters a speech. Is a peaceable citizen killed by 
the marauders of a foreign power, on the verj' shores of his 

country his highness utters a speech. — Does an alarming 

insurrection break out in a distant part of the empire his 

highness utters a speech ! — nay, more, for here he shows his 
" energies " — he most intrepidly despatches a courier on horse- 
back and orders him to ride one hundred and twenty miles a 
day. with a most formidal)le army of proclamations, i.e. a col- 
lection of words, packed up in his saddle bags. He is in- 
structed to show no favor nor affection ; but to charge the 
thickest ranks of the enemy ; and to specify and batter by 
words the conspiracy and the conspirators out of existence. 
Heavens, my friends, what a deal of blustering is here ! it re- 
minds me of a dunghill cock in a farm-yard, who, having acci- 
dentally in his scratchings found a worm, immediately begins a 
most vociferous cackling ; — calls around him his hen-hearted 
companions, who run chattering from all quarters to gobble up 
the poor little worm that happened to turn under his eye. Oh, 
Asem ! Asem ! on what a prodigious great scale is every thing 
in tills country ! 

Thus, then, I conclude my observations. The infidel nations 
have each a separate characteristic trait, by which they may be 
distinguished from each other; — the Spaniards, for instance, 
may be said to sleep upon every affair of importance; — the 
Italians to fiddle upon every thing ; — the Frencli to dance upon 
every thing ; — the Germans to smoke upon ever}' thing ; — the 
British Islanders to eat upon every thing ; — and the wind}' sub- 
jects of the American logocracy to talk upon every thing. 

For ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

How oft in musing mood my heart recalls. 
From gray-beard father Time's oblivious halls, 
The modes and maxims of my early day, 
Long in those dark recesses stow'd away : 
Drags once more to the cheerful realms of light 
Those buckram fashions, long since lost m night, 
And makes, like Endor's witch, once more to rise 
My grogram grandames to my raptured eyes ! 



86 SALMAGUNDI. 

Shades of my fathers ! in your pasteboard skirts, 
Your broidered waistcoats and your plaited shirts, 
Your formal bag-wigs — wide-extended cuffs, 
Your five-inch chitterlings and nine-inch ruffs ! 

Gods ! liow ye strut, at times, in all your state, 
Amid the visions of my thoughtful pate ! 
I see ye move the solemn minuet o'er. 
The modest foot scarce rising from the floor ; 
No thundering rigadoon with boisterous prance, 
No pigeon-wing disturbs your contre-danse. 
But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide, 
Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide ! 

Still in my mental eye each dame appears — ■ 
Each modest beauty of departed years ; 
Close by mamma I see her stately march 
Or sit, in all the majesty' of starch ; — 
When for the dance a stranger seeks her hand, 
I see her doubting, hesitating, stand ; 
Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace, 
And sigh for her intended in his place ! 

Ah ! golden days ! when every gentle fair 
On sacred Sabbath conn'd with pious care 
Her holy Bible, or her prayer-book o'er. 

Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore ; 
Travell'd with him the Pilgrim's Progress through, 
And storm'd the famous town of Man-soul too : 
Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar. 
And fought triumphant through the Holy War ; 
Or if, perchance, to lighter works inclined, 
They sought with novels to relax the mind, 
'Twas Grandison's politely formal page 
Or Clelia or Pamela were the rage. 

No plays were then — theatrics were unknown — 
A learned pig — a dancing monkey shown — 
The feats of Punch — a cunning juggler's slight, 
Were sure to fill each bosom with delight. 
An honest, simple, humdrum race we were, 
Undazzled yet by fashion's wilderiug glare, 
Our manners unreserved, devoid of guile. 
We knew not then the modern monster style : 
Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells, 
Puffs bo^'s to manhood, little girls to belles. 

Scarce from the nursery freed, our gentle fair 
Are 3'ielded to the dancing-master's care ; 



SALMAGUNDI. 87 

And ere the head one mite of sense can gain, 

Are introduced 'mid folly's frippery train. 

A stranger's grasp no longer gives alarms, 

Our fair surrender to their very arms. 

And in the insidious waltz ^ will swim and twine 

And whirl and languish tenderly divine ! 

Oh, how I hate this loving, hugging, dance ; 

This imp of Germany — brought up in France : 

Nor can I see a niece its winding trace, 

But all the honest blood glows in my face. 

" Sad, sad refinement this," I often say, 

" 'Tis modesty indeed refined away ! 

" Let F'rance its whim, its sparkling wit supply, 

" The easy grace that captivates the eye ; 

" But curse their waltz — their loose lascivious arts, 

'' That smooth our manners, to corrupt our hearts ! " ^ 

Where now those books, from which in days of yore 

Our mothers gain'd their literary store? 

Alas ! stiff-skirted Grandison gives place 

To novels of a new and rakish race ; 

NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

1 [Wo/^s]. As many of the retired matrons of this city, unskilled in " geetic lore," 
are doubtless ignorant of the movements and figures of this modest exhibition, I wiU 
endeavor to give some account of it, in order that they may learn what odd capers their 
daughters sometimes cut when from under their guardian wings. 

On a signal being given by the music, the gentleman seizes the lady round her waist; 
the lady, scorning to be outdone in courtesy, very politely takes the gentleman round 
the neck, with one arm resting against his shoulder to pievent encroachments. Away 

then they go, about, and about, and about " about what, Sir? " about the room, 

Madam, to be sure. The whole economy of this dance consists in turning round and 
round the room in a certain measured step: and it is truly astonishing that this con- 
tinued revolution does not set all their heads swimming like a top; but I have been 
positively assured that it only occasions a gentle sensation which is marvellously agree- 
able, lu the course of this circumnavigation, the dancers, in order to give the charm 

of variety, are continually changing their relative situations; now the gentleman, 

meaning no harm in the world, I assure you Madam, carelessly flings his arm about 
the lady's neck, with an air of celestial impudence; and anon, the lady, meaning as 
little harm as the gentleman, takes him round the waist with most ingenuous modest 
languishraent, to the great delight of numerous spectators and amateurs, who gener- 
ally form a ring, as the mob do about a pair of amazons pulling caps, or a couple of 
fighting mastiffs. 

After continuing this divine interchange of hands, arms, et cetera, for half an hour 
or BO, the lady begins to tire, and with "eyes upraised," in most bewitching languor 
petitions her partner for a little more support. This is always given without hesita- 
tion. The lady leans gently on his shoulder, their arms entwine in a thousand seducing, 

mischievous curves don't be alarmed, Madam, closer and closer they approach 

each other, and in conclusion, the parties being overcome with ecstatic fatigue, the lady 

seems almost sinking into the gentleman's arms, and then "Well Sir, and what 

then? " lord. Madam, how should I know! 

5 My friend Pindar, and, in fact, our whole junto, has been accused of an unreasona- 
ble hostility to the French nation : and I am informed by a Parisian correspondent, that 
our first number played the very devil in the court of St. Cloud. His imperial majesty 
got into a most outrageous passion, and being withal a waspish little gentleman, had 
iiearly kicked his bosom friend, Talleyrand, out of the cabinet, in the paroxysms of his 
\»-.alh. He insisted upon it that the nation was assailed iu its most vital part; being, 



SAL3IAGUNDL 

And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore, 
To the lascivious rhapsodies of Moore. 

And, last of all, behold the mimic stage, 
Its morals lend to polish off the age. 
With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd, 
Garnish 'd with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald. 
With puns most puny, and a plenteous store 
Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar. 
Or see, more fatal, graced with everj' art 
To charm and captivate the female heart, 
The false, " The gallant, gay Lothario," smiles,^ 
And loudly boasts his base seductive wiles ; — 
In glowing colors paints Calista's wrongs. 
And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs, 
When Cooper lends his fascinating powers, 
Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers. 
Pleased with his manly grace, his youthful fire, 
Our fair are lured the villain to admire ; 
While humbler virtue, like a stalking horse. 
Struts clumsily and croaks in honest Morse. 

Ah, hapless da^'s ! when trials thus combined, 
In pleasing garb assail the female mind ; 
When every smooth insidious snare is spread 
To sap the morals and delude the head ! 



like Achilles, extremely sensitive to any attacks upon the heel. When ray correspond- 
ent sent off his despatches, it was still in doubt what measures would be adopted; but 
it was strongly suspected that vehement representations would be made to our govern- 
ment. Willing, therefore, to save our executive from any embarrassment on the subject, 
and above all from the disagreeable alternative of sending an apology by the Hornet, 
we do assure Mr. Jefferson, that there is nothing farther from our thoughts than the 
subversion of the Gallic empire, or any attack on the interests, tranquillity, or reputation 
of the nation at large, which we seriously declare possesses tlie highest rank in our esti- 
mation. Nothing less than the national welfare could have induced us to trouble our- 
selves with this explanation; and in the name of the junto, 1 once more declare, that 
when we toast a Frenchman, we merely mean one of these inconvwt, who swarmed to 
this country, from the kitchens and barbers' shops of Nantz, Bordeaux, and Marseilles; 
played game of leap-frog at all our balls and assemblies; — set this unhappy town hop- 
ping mad; — and passed themselves off on our tender-hearted damsels for unfortunate 
noblemen — ruined in the Revolution! such only can wince at the lash, and accuse us of 
severity ; and we should be mortified in the extreme if they did not feel our well-intended 
castigation. 

' [Fair Pe.jiitent]. The story of this play, if told in its native language, would ex- 
hibit a scene of guilt and shame, which no modest ear could listen to without shrinking 
with disgust; but, arrayed as it is in all the splendor of harmonious, rich, and polished 
verse, it steals into the heart like some gay, luxurious, smooth-faced villain, and betrays 
it insensibly to immorality and vice; our very sympathy is enlisted on the side of guilt; 
and the piety of Altamont, and the gentleness of Lavinia, are lost in the splendid de- 
baucheries of the "gallant, gay Lothario," and the blustering, hollow repentance of the 
fair Calisto, whose sorrow reminds us of that of Pope's Heloise — " I mourn the lover, 
not lament the fault." Nothing is more easy than to banish such plays from the stage. 
Were our ladies, instead of crowding to see them again and again repeated, to discour- 
age their exhibition by absence, the stage would soon be indeed the school of morality, 
and the number of " Fair Penitents," in all probability, diminished. 



SALMAGUNDI. 89 

Not Shaclrach, Meshaeh and Abed-uego, 
To prove their faith and virtue here below, 
Could more an angel's helping hand require 
To guide their steps nninjured through the fire, 
"Where had but heaven its guardian aid denied, 
The holy trio in the proof had died. 
If, then, their manl}' vigor sought supplies 
From the bright stranger in celestial guise, 
Alas ! can we from feebler nature's claim, 
To brave seduction's ordeal, free from blame ; 
To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore, 
Though ANGEL MISSIONS blcss the earth no more ! 



90 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. VIII. -SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 1807. 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

"In all thy humors, whether grave or mellow, 
Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow; 
Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, 
There is no liviug with thee — nor without thee." 

" Never, in the memoiy of the oldest inhabitant, has there 
been known a more backward spring." This is the universal 
remark among the almanac quidnuncs and weather-wiseacres of 
the day ; and I have heard it at least fifty-five times from old 
Mrs. Cockloft, who, poor woman, is one of those walking al- 
manacs that foretell every snow, rain, or frost, by the shooting 
of corns, a pain in the bones, or an " ugly stitch in the side." 
I do not recollect, in the whole course of my life, to have seen 
the month of March indulge in such untoward capers, caprices, 
and coquetries, as it has done this year : I might have forgiven 
these vagaries, had they not completely knocked up my friend 
Langstaff, whose feelings are ever at the mercy of a weather- 
cock, whose spirits sink and rise with the mercury of a barom- 
eter, and to whom an east wind is as obnoxious as a Sicilian 
sirocco. He was tempted some time since, by the fineness of 
the weather, to dress himself with more than ordinary care and 
take his morning stroll ; but before he had half finished his 
peregrination, he was utterly discomfited, and driven home by 
a tremendous squall of wind, hail, rain, and snow ; or, as he 
testily termed it, "a most villanous congregation of vapors." 

This was too much for the patience of friend Launcelot ; he 
declared he would honor the weather no longer in its whim- 
whams ; and, according to his immemorial custom on these 
occasions, retreated in high dudgeon to his elbow-chair to lie 
in of the spleen and rail at nature for being so fantastical : — 
"confound the jade," he frequently exclaims, "what a pity 
nature had not been of the masculine instead of the feminine 
gender, the almanac makers might then have calculated with 
some degree of certainty." 



SALMAGUNDI. 91 

When Laugstaff invests himself with tlie spleen, and gives 
audience to the blue devils from his elbow-ehair, I would not 
advise any of his friends to come within gunshot of his citadel 
with the benevolent purpose of administering consolation or 
amusement : for lie is then as crusty and crabbed as that fa- 
mous coiner of false money, Diogenes himself. Indeed, his 
room is at such times inaccessible ; and old Pompey is the only 
soul that can gain admission, or ask a question with impunity ; 
the truth is, that on these occasions, there is not a straw's dif- 
ference between them, for Pompey is as grum and grim and 
cynical as his master, 

Launcelot has now been above three weeks in this desolate 
situation, and has therefore had but little to do in our last 
number. As he could not be prevailed on to give Viuy account 
of himself in our introduction, I will take the opportunity of 
his confinement, while his back is turned, to give a slight sketch 
of his character ; — fertile in whim-wharas and bachelorisms, 
but rich in many of the sterling qualities of our nature. An- 
nexed to this article, our readers will perceive a striking like- 
ness of my friend, which was taken by that cunning rogue Will 
Wizard, who peeped through the key-hole and sketched it off 
as honest Launcelot sat by the fire, wrapped up in his flannel 
Tohe de chambre, and indulging in a mortal fit of the hy}:). Now 
take my word for it, gentle reader, this is the most auspicious 
moment in which to touch off the phiz of a genuine humorist. 

Of the antiquity of the Langstaff family I can say but little ; 
except that I have no doubt it is equal to that of most families 
who have the privilege of making their own pedigree, without 
the impertinent interposition of a college of heralds. My 
friend Launcelot is not a man to blazon any thing ; but I have 
heard him talk with great complacency of his ancestor. Sir 
Rowland, who was a dashing buck in the days of Hardiknute, 
and broke the head of a gigantic Dane, at a game of quarter- 
staff, in presence of the whole court. In memory of this gal- 
lant exploit, Sir Rowland was permitted to take the name of 
Langstoffe, and to assume, as a crest to his arms, a hand grasp- 
ing a cudgel. It is, however, a foible so ridiculously common 
in this country for people to claim consanguinity with all the 
great personages of their own name in Europe, that I should 
put but little faith in this family boast of friend Langstaff, did 
I not know him to be a man of most unquestionable veracity. 

The whole world knows already that my friend is a bache- 
lor ; for he is, or pretends to be, exceedingly proud of his per- 
sonal independence, and takes care to make it known in all 



92 SALMAGUNDI. 

companies where strangers are present. He is forever vaunt- 
ing tlie precious state of "single blessedness;" and was not 
long ago considerably startled at a proposition of one of his 
great favorites, Miss Sophy Sparkle, " that old bachelors 
should be taxed as luxuries." Launcelot immediately hied 
him home, and wrote a tremendous long representation in 
their behalf, which I am resolved to publish if it is ever at- 
tempted to carry the measure into operation. Whether he is 
sincere in these professions, or whether his present situation 
is owing to choice or disappointment, he only can tell ; but if 
he ever does tell, I will suffer m^^self to be shot by the first 
lady's eye that can twang an arrow. In his youth he was 
for ever in love ; but it was his misfortune to be continually 
crossed and rivalled by his bosom friend and contemporary 
beau, Pindar Cockloft, Esq., for as Langstaff never made a 
confidant on these occasions, his friend never knew which way 
his affections pointed ; and so, between them both, the lady 
generally slipped through their fingers. 

It has ever been the misfortune of Launcelot that he could 
not for the soul of him restrain a good thing ; and this fatality 
has drawn upon him the ill will of many whom he would not 
have otfended for the world. With the kindest heart under 
heaven, and the most benevolent disposition toward every being 
around him, he has been continually betraj'ed by the mischiev- 
ous vivacity of his fancy, and the good-humored waggery of his 
feelings, into satirical sallies which have been treasured up by 
the invidious, and retailed out with the bitter sneer of malevo- 
lence, instead of the playful hilarity of countenance which 
origmally sweetened and tempered and disarmed them of their 
sting. — These misrepresentations have gainea him many re- 
proaches and lost him many a friend. 

This unlucky characteristic played the mischief with him in 
one of his love affairs. He was, as I have before observed, 
often opposed in his gallantries by that formidable rival, Pin- 
dar Cockloft, Esq., and a most formidable rival he was ; for he 
had Apollo, the nine muses, together with all the joint tenants 
of Olympus to back him ; and everybod}^ knows what im- 
portant confederates they are to a lover. Poor Launcelot 
stood no chance ; — the lady was cooped up in the poet's corner 
of every weekly' paper ; and at length Pindar attacked her 
with a sonnet that took up a whole column, in which he enu- 
merated at least a dozen cardinal virtues, together with innu- 
merable others of inferior consideration. Launcelot saw his 
case was desperate, and that unless he sat down forthwith, 



SALMAGUNDI. 93 

be-eherubimed and be-angeled liei' to the skies, and put every 
virtue under the sun in requisition, he might as well go hang 
himself and so make an end of the business. At it, therefore, 
he went, and was going on very swimmingly, for, in the space 
of a dozen lines he had enlisted under her command at least 
three score and ten substantial housekeeping virtues, when, 
unluckil}' for Launcelot's reputation as a poet and the lady's 
as a saint, one of those confounded good thoughts struck his 
laughter-loving brain ; — it was irresistible ; away he went full 
sweep before the wind, cutting and slashing and tickled to 
death with his own fun ; the consequence was, that by the 
time he had finished, never was poor lady so most ludicrously 
lampooned since lampooning came into fashion. But this was 
not half ; — so hugely was Launcelot pleased with this frolic of 
his wits, that nothing would do but he must show it to the 
lady, who, as well she might, was mortally offended, and for- 
bid him her presence. My friend was in despair ; but through 
the interference of his generous rival, was permitted to make 
his apology, which, however, most unluckil}' happened to be 
rather worse than the original o"ffence ; for though he had 
studied an eloquent compliment, yet, as ill-luck would have it, 
a most preposterous whim- wham knocked at his pericranium, 
and inspired him to say some consummate good things, which 
all put together amounted to a downright hoax, and provoked 
the lady's' wrath to such a degree that sentence of eternal 
banishment was awarded against him. 

Launcelot was inconsolable, and determined, in the true 
style of novel heroics, to make the tour of Europe, and endeav- 
or to lose the recollection of this misfortune amongst the 
gayeties of France and the classic charms of Ital}* ; he accord- 
ingly took passage in a vessel and pursued his voyage prosper- 
ously as far as Sandy Hook, where he was seized with a violent 
fit of sea-sickness ; at which he was so affronted that he put 
his portmanteau into the first pilot-boat and returned to town 
completely cured of his love and his rage for travelling. 

I pass over the subsequent amours of my friend Langstaff, 
being but little acquainted with them; for, as I have already 
mentioned, he never was known to make a confidant of any- 
body. He always affirmed a man to be a fool to fall in love, 
but an idiot to boast of it ; — ever denominated it the villanous 
passion ; — lamented that it could not be cudgelled out of the 
lunnan heart ; — and yet could no more live without being m 
love with somebody or other than he could without whim-whams. 

My friend Launcelot is a man of excessive irritability of 



94 SALMAGUNDI. 

nerve, and I am acquainted with no one so susceptible of the 
petty " miseries of human life ; " yet its keener evils and mis- 
fortunes he bears without skrinking, and however thej' may 
prey in secret on his happiness, he never complains. This was 
strikingly evinced in an affair where his heart was deeply and 
irrevocably concerned, and in which his success was ruined by 
one for whom he had long cherished a warm friendship. The 
circumstance cut poor Langstaff to the very soul ; he was not 
seen in company for months afterwards, and for a long time 
he seemed to retire within himself, and battle with the poig- 
nancy of his feelings ; but not a murmer or a reproach was 
heard to fall from his lips, though, at the mention of his 
friend's name, a shade of melancholy might be observed steal- 
ing across his face, and his voice assumed a touching tone, 
that seemed to say, he remembered his treachery '"more in 
sorrow than in anger." — This affair has given a slight tinge of 
sadness to his disposition, which, however, does not prevent 
his entering into the amusements of the world ; the only effect 
it occasions, is, that you may occasionally observe him, at the 
end of a lively conversation, sink for a few minutes into an 
apparent forgetfulness of surrounding objects, during which time 
he seems to be indulging in some melancholy retrospection. 

Langstaff inherited from his father a love of literature, a dis- 
position for castle-building, a mortal enmity to noise, a sove- 
reign antipathy to cold weather and brooms, and a plentiful 
stock of whim-whams. From the delicacy of his nerves he is 
peculiarly sensible to discordant sounds ; the rattling of a 
wheelbarrow is " horrible ; " the noise of children " drives him 
distracted ; " and he once left excellent lodgings merely because 
the lady of the house wore high-heeled shoes, in which she 
clattered up and down stairs, till, to use his own emphatic ex- 
pression, "they made life loathsome" to him. He suffers 
annual martyrdom from the razor-edged zephyrs of our "balmy 
spring," and solemnly declares that the boasted month of May 
has become a perfect "vagabond." As some people have a 
great antipathy to cats, and can tell when one is locked up in 
a closet, so Launcelot declares his feelings always announce to 
him the neighborhood of a broom ; a household hnplement 
which he abominates above all others. Nor is there any living 
animal in the world that he holds in more utter abhorrence than 
what is usually termed a notable housewife ; a pestilent being, 
who, he protests, is the bane of good-fellowship, and has a 
heavy charge to answer for the many offences committed against 
the ease, comfort, and social enjoyments of sovereign man. 



SALMAGUNDI. 95 

He told me not long ago, " that he had rather see one of the 
weird sisters flourish through his ivey-hole on a broomstick, than 
one of the servant maids enter the door with a besom." 

My friend Launcelot is ardent and sincere in his attachments, 
which are confined to a chosen few, in wliose society' he loves 
to give free scope to his whimsical imagination ; he, however, 
mingles freely with the world, though more as a spectator than 
an actor ; and without an anxiety- or hardl}- a care to please, 
is general!}' received with welcome and listened to with com- 
placenc}'. When he extends his hand it is in a free, open, lib- 
eral style ; and when you shake it, you feel his honest heart 
throb in its pulsations. Though rather fond of gay exhibitions, 
he does not appear so frequently at balls and assemblies since 
the introduction of the drum, trumpet, and tamborine : all of 
which he abhors on account of the rude attacks they make on 
his organs of hearing : — in short, such is his antipathy to noise, 
that though exceedingly patriotic, yet he retreats every fourth 
of July to Cockloft Hall, in order to get out of the way of the 
hub-bob and confusion which make so considerable a part of 
the pleasure of that splendid anniversary. 

I intend this article as a mere sketch of Langstaff' s mnltifa- 
rions character ; his innumerable whim-whams will be exhibited 
by himself, in the course of this work, in all their strange va- 
rieties ; and the machinery of his mind, more intricate than 
the most subtle piece of clock-work, be fully explained. And 
trust me, gentlefolk, his are the whim-whams of a courteous 
gentleman full of most excellent qualities; honorable in his 
disposition, independent in his sentiments, and of unbounded 
good nature, as may be seen through all his works. 



ON STYLE. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Style, a manner of tvriting; title; pin of a dial; the pistil of 
plants. — Johnson. 

Style, is ... . style. — Linkum Fidelids. 

Now I would not give a straw for either of the above defini- 
tions, though I think the latter is by far the most satisfactory : 
and I do wish sincerely every modern numskull, who takes 
hold of a subject he knows nothing about, would adopt honest 



96 SALMAGUNDI. 

Linkum's mode of explanation. Blair's Lectures on this article 
have not thrown a whit more light on the subject of my in- 
quiries ; they puzzled me just as much as did the learned and 
laborious expositions and illustrations of the worthy professor 
of our college, in the middle of which I generally had the ill 
luck to fall asleep. 

This same word style, though but a diminutive word, as- 
sumes to itself more contradictions, and significations, and 
eccentricities, than any monosyllable in the language is legiti- 
mately entitled to. It is an arrant little humorist of a word, 
and full of whim-whams, which occasions me to like it hugely ; 
but it puzzled me most wickedly on my first return from a long 
residence abroad, having crept into fashionable use during my 
absence ; and had it not been for friend Evei'greeu, and that 
thrifty sprig of knowledge, Jeremy Cockloft the younger, I 
should have remained to this day ignorant of its meaning. 

Though it would seem that the people of all countries are 
equally vehement in the pursuit of this phantom, style, yet in 
almost all of them there is a strange diversity in opinion as to 
what constitutes its essence ; and every different class, like 
the pagan nations, adore it under a different form. In Eng- 
land, for instance, an honest cit packs up himself, his family, 
and his style, in a buggy or tim-whisky, and rattles away on 
Sunday with his fair partner blooming beside him, like an east- 
ern bride, and two chubby children, squatting like Chinese 
images at his feet. A Baronet requires a chariot and pair ; — a 
Lord must needs have a barouche and four ; — but a Duke — oh ! 
a Duke cannot possibly lumber his style along under a coach 
and six, and a half a score of footmen into the l)argain. In China 
a puissant Mandarin loads at least three elephants with style ; 
and an overgrown sheep at the Cape of Good-Hope, trails along 
his tail and his style on a wheelbarrow. In Egypt, or at Con- 
stantinople, style consists in the quantity of fur and fine clothes 
a lady can put on without danger of suffocation ; here it is 
otherwise, and consists in the quantity she can put off without 
the risk of freezing. A Chinese lady is thought prodigal of her 
charms if she expose the tip of her nose, or the ends of her fin- 
gers, to the ardent gaze of bystanders : and I recollect that all 
Canton was in a buzz in consequence of the great belle. Miss 
Nangfous, peeping out of the window with her face uncovered ! 
Here the style is to show not only the face, but the neck, 
shoulders, etc. ; and a lady never presumes to hide them except 
when slie is not at home, and not suflSciently undressed to see 
company. 



SALMAGUNDI. 97 

This style lias ruined the peace and harmony of many a 
worthy household; for no sooner do the}' set up for style, but 
instantly all the honest old comfortable sans ceremonie furni- 
ture is discarded ; and you stalk, cautiousl}' about, amongst the 
uncomfortable splendor of Grecian chairs, Eg3'ptiau tables, 
Turkey carpets, and Etruscan vases, — This vast improvement 
in furniture demands an increase in the domestic establish- 
ment ; and a famil}- that once required two or three servants 
for convenience, now employs half a dozen for st3'le. 

Bell-brazen, late favorite of m}' unfortunate friend Des- 
salines, was one of these patterns of style ; and whatever freak: 
she was seized with, however preposterous, was implicitly 
followed by all who would be considered as admitted in the 
stylish arcana. She was once seized with a whim-wham that 
tickled the whole court. She could not lie down to t^ke an 
afternoon's loll, but she must have one servant to scratch her 
head, two to tickle her feet, and a fourth to fan her delectable 
person while she slumbered. The thing took ;— ^it became the 
rage, and not a sable belle in all Hayti but what; insisted upon 
being fanned, and scratched, and tickled initiie true imperial 
style. Sneer not at this picture, my mostt exoellent towns- 
women, for who among you but are daily, fgdlowiug fashions 
equally absurd ! 

Style, according to Evergreen's accoiinfe, coitsists in; certain, 
fashions, or certain eccentricities, or certaiiji manners of cer- 
tain people, in certain situations, and possessed of a, certain 
share of fashion or importance. A red cloak, for instance, on., 
the shoulders of an old market-woixian is regarded with cour 
tempt ; it is vulgar, it is odious : — fling, however, its usurping 
rival, a red shawl, over the fine figure of a fashionable belle,^ . 
and let her flame away with it in Broaelway, or in a ballroom,, 
and it is immediately declared to be style. 

The modes of attaining this certain situation, which entitle 
its holder to style, are various and. opposite ; the most osten- 
sible is the attainment of wealth ; the possession of whicb 
changes, at once, the pert airs of vulgar ignorance into fashion- 
able ease and elegant vivacity. It is highly amusing to ob- 
serve the gradation of a family aspiring to style, and the 
devious windings they pursue in order to attain it. While 
beating up against wind and tide they are the most complaisant 
beings in the world; — they keep "booing and booing," as. 
M'Sycophant says, until you would suppose them incapable 
of standing upright ; they kiss their hands to everybod}^ who 
has the least claim to style ; their familiarity is intolerable, 



98 SALMAGUNDI. 

and the}' absolutely overwhelm you with their friendship and 
loving-kindness. But having once gained the envied pre-emi- 
nence, never were beings in the world more changed. They 
assume the most intolerable caprices ; at one time, address you 
with importunate sociability ; at another, pass you by with 
silent indifference ; sometimes sit up in their chairs in all the 
majesty of dignified silence ; and at another time bounce about 
with all the obstreperous ill-bred noise of a little hoyden just 
broke loose from a boarding-school. 

Another feature which distinguishes these new-made fashion- 
ables, is the inveteracy wnth which they look down upon the 
honest people who are struggling to climb up to the same envied 
height. They never fail to salute tliem with the most sarcastic 
reflections ; and like so many worthy hodmen, clambering a 
ladder, each one looks down upon his next neighbor below and 
makes no scruple of shaking the dust off his shoes into his eyes. 
Thus by dint of perseverance, merely, they come to be consid- 
ered as established denizens of the great world ; as in some 
barbarous nations an oyster-shell is of sterling value, and a 
copper-washed counter will pass current for genuine gold. 

In no instance have I seen this grasping after style more 
whimsically exhibited, than in the family of my old acquaint- 
ance, Timothy Giblet. — I recollect old Giblet when I was a 
boy, and he was the most surly curmudgeon I ever knew. He 
was a perfect scarecrow to the small-fry of tiie day, and in- 
herited the hatred of all these unlucky little shavers ; for never 
■could we assemble about his door of an evening to play, and 
make a little hub-bub, but out he sallied from his nest like a 
spider, flourishing his formidable horsewhip, and dispersed the 
whole crew in the twinkling of a lamp. I perfectly remember 
a bill he sent in to my father for a pane of glass I had accident- 
ally broken, which came well-nigh getting me a sound flogging ; 
and I remember, as perfectly, that the next night I revenged 
myself by breaking half a dozen. Giblet was as arrant a grub- 
worm as ever crawled ; and the only rules of right and wrong 
he cared a button for, were the rules of multiplication and 
addition ; which he practised much more successfully than he 
did any of the rules of religion or morality. He used to de- 
clare they were the true golden rules ; and he took special care 
to put Cocker's arithmetic in the hands of his children, before 
they had read ten pages in the Bible or the prayer-book. The 
practice of these favorite maxims was at length crowned with 
the harvest of success ; and after a life of incessant self-denial, 
and starvation, and after enduring all the pounds, shillings, and 



SALMAGUNDI. 99 

pence miseries of a miser, he had the satisfaction of seeing him- 
self worth a plum and of dying just as he had determined to 
enjoy the remainder of his days in contemplating his great 
wealth and accumulating mortgages. 

His children inherited his money ; but they buried the dis- 
position, and every other memorial of their father, in his grave. 
Fired with a noble thirst for style, they instantly emerged from 
the retired lane in which themselves and their accomplishments 
had hitherto been buried ; and they blazed, and they whizzed, 
and they cracked about town, like a nest of squibs and devils 
in a firework. I can liken their sudden eclat to nothing but 
that of the locust, which is hatched in the dust, where it in- 
creases and swells up to maturity, after feeling for a moment 
the vivifying rays of the sun, bursts forth a might}- insect, 
and flutters, and rattles, and buzzes from ever}- tree. The 
little warblers who have long cheered the woodlands with their 
dulcet notes, are stunned by the discordant racket of these up- 
start intruders, and contemplate, in contemptuous silence, their 
tinsel and their noise. 

Having once started, the Giblets were determined that noth- 
ing should stop them in their career, until they had run their 
full course and arrived at the very tip-top of style. Every 
tailor, every shoemaker, every coachmaker, every milliner, 
every mantua-maker, every paper-hanger, every piano-teacher, 
and every dancing-master in the city, were enlisted in their 
service ; and the willing wights most courteously answered their 
call; and fell to work to build up the fame of the Giblets, as 
they had done that of many an aspiring family before them. In 
a little time the young ladies could dance the waltz, thunder 
Lodoiska, murder French, kill time, and commit violence on the 
face of nature in a landscape in water colors, equal to the best 
lady in the land ; and the 3-oung gentlemen were seen lounging 
at corners of streets, and driving tandem ; heard talking loud 
at the theatre, and laughing in church ; with as much ease, and 
grace, and modesty, as if they had been gentlemen all the da3-s 
of their lives. 

And the Giblets arrayed themselves in scarlet, and in fine 
linen, and seated themselves in high places ; but nobody noticed 
them except to honor them with a little contempt. The Giblets 
made a prodigious splash in their own opinion ; but nobody ex- 
tolled them except the tailors, and the milliners, who had been 
employed in manufacturing their paraphernalia. The Giblets 
thereupon being, like Caleb Quotem, determined to have "a 
place at the review," fell to work more fiercely than ever; — 



100 SALMAGUNDI. 

they gave dinners, and they gave balls, they hired cooks, they 
hired fiddlers, they hired confectioners ; and they would have 
kept a newspaper in pay, had they not been all bought up at 
that time for the election. They invited the dancing- men and 
the dancing-women, and the gormandizers, and the epicures, of 
the city, to come and make merry at their expense ; and the 
dancing-men, and the dancing-women, and the epicures and 
the gormandizers, did come ; and they did make merry at their 
expense ; and they eat, and they drank, and they capered, and 
they danced, and they — laughed at their entertainers. 

Then commenced the hurry and the bustle and the mighty 
nothingness of fashionable life ; — such rattling in coaches ! 
such flaunting in the streets ! such slamming of box doors at the 
theatre ! such a tempest of bustle and unmeaning noise wher- 
ever they appeared ! the Giblets were seen here and there and 
everywhere ; — they visited everybody they knew, and every- 
body they did not know ; and there was no getting along for the 
Giblets. — Their plan at length succeeded. By dint of din- 
ners, of feeding and frolicking the town, the Giblet family 
worked themselves into notice, and enjoyed the ineffable pleas- 
ure of being forever pestered by visitors, who cared nothing 
about them ; of being squeezed, and smothered, and parboiled 
at nightly balls, and evening tea-parties; — they were allowed 
the privilege of forgetting the very few old friends they once 
possessed; — they turned their noses up in the wind at every 
thing that was not genteel ; and their superb manners and sub- 
lime affectation at length left it no longer a matter of doubt 
that the Giblets were perfectly in style. 



" Being, as it were, a small contentmente in a never contenting subjecte; a bitter 

pleasaunte taste of sweete seasoned sower; and, all in all, a naore than ordinarie rejoy- 
cing, in an extraordinarie sorrow of delyghts." 

Link Fidelius. 

We have been considerably edified of late by several letters 
of advice from a number of sage correspondents, who really 
seem to know more about our work than we do ourselves. One 
warns us against saying any thing more about Snivers, who is 
a very particular friend of the writer, and who has a singular 
disinclination to be laughed at. — This correspondent in partic- 
ular inveighs against personalities, and accuses us of ill nature 
in bringing forward old Fungus and Billy Dimple, as figures of 
fun to amuse the public. Another gentleman, who states that 



SALMAGUNDI. ' 101 

he is a near relation of the Cocklofts, proses away most soporif- 
ically on the impropriety of ridiculing a respectable old family ; 
and declares that if we make them and their whim-whams the 
subject of an}' more essays, he shall be under the necessity of 
applying to our theatrical champions for satisfaction. A third, 
who by the crabbedness of the handwriting, and a few careless 
inaccuracies in the spelling, appears to be a lady, assures us 
that the Miss Cocklofts, and Miss Diana AVearwell, and Miss 

Dashaway, and Mrs. , AYill AYizard's quondam flame, are 

so much obliged to us for our notice, that they intend in future 
to take no notice of us at all, but leave us out of all their tea- 
parties ; for which we make them one of our best bows, and saj', 
'■'■ Thank you, ladies." 

We wish to heaven these good people would attend to their 
own affairs, if they have any to attend to, and let us alone. It 
is one of the most provoking things in the world that we cannot 
tickle the public a little, merely for our own private amusement, 
but we must be crossed and jostled b}' these meddling incendi- 
aries, and, in fact, have the whole town about our ears. We 
are much in the same situation with an unlucky blade of a 
cockney, who, having mounted his bit of blood to enjoy a little 
innocent recreation, and display his horsemanship along Broad- 
way, is worried by all those little yelping curs that infest our 
city ; and who never fail to sally out and growl, and bark, and 
snarl, to the great annoyance of the Birmingham equestrian. 

Wisely was it said by the sage Linkum Fidelius, " howbeit, 
moreover, nevertheless, this thrice wicked towne is cliarged up 
to the muzzle with all manner of ill-natures and uncharitable- 
uesses, and is, moreover, exeeedinglie naughte." This passage 
of the erudite Linkum was applied to the city of Gotham, of 
Avhich he was once Lord Mayor, as appears by his picture hung 
up in the hall of that ancient city ; — but his observation fits 
this best of all possible cities " to a hair." It is a melancholy 
truth that this same New- York, although the most charming, 
pleasant, polished, and praiseworthy city under the sun, and, 
in a word, the bonne botiche of the universe, is most shockingly 
ill-natured and sarcastic, and wickedly given to all manner of 
l)ackslidings ; — for which we are very sorry indeed. In truth, 
for it must come out like murder one time or another, the in- 
habitants are not only ill-natured, but manifestly unjust: no 
sooner do they get one of our random sketches in their hands, 
but instantly they apply it most unjustifiably to some "dear 
friend," and then accuse us voeiferously of the personality^ 
which originated in their own officious friendship ! Truly it is 



102 SALMAGUNDI. 

an ill-natured town, and most earnestly do we hope it may not 
meet with the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah of okl. 

As, however, it may be thought incumbent upon us to make 
some apology for these mistakes of the town ; and as our good- 
nature is truly exemplary, we would certainly answer this ex- 
pectation were it not that we have an invincible antipathy to 
making apologies. We have a most profound contempt for any 
man who cannot give three good reasons for an unreasonable 
thing ; and will therefore condescend, as usual, to give the 
public three special reasons for never apologizing : — first, an 
apology implies that we are accountable to somebody or an- 
other for our conduct ; — now as we do not care a fiddlestick, 
as authors, for either public opinion or private ill-will, it would 
be implying a falsehood to apologize: — second, an apology 
would indicate that we had been doing what we ought not to 
have done. Now, as we never did nor ever intend to do any 
thing wrong it would be ridiculous to make an apology : — third, 
we labor under the same incapacity in the art of apologizing 
that lost LangstafT his mistress ; we never yet undertook to 
make apology without committing a new offence, and making 
matters ten times worse than they were before ; and we are, 
therefore, determined to avoid such predicaments in future. 

But though we have resolved never to apologize, yet we have 
no particular objection to exi)lain ; and if this is all that's 

wanted, we will go about it directly : allons, gentlemen ! 

before, however, we enter upon tliis serious affair, we take this 
opportunity to express our surprise and indignation at the in- 
credulity of some people. — Have we not, over and over, as- 
sured the town that we are three of the best-natured fellows 
living? And is it not astonishing, that having ahead}' given 
seven convincing proofs of the truth of this assurance, they 
should still have any doubts on the subject? but as it is one of 
the impossible things to make a knave believe in honesty, so 
perhaps it may be another to make this most sarcastic, satiri- 
cal, and tea-drinking city believe in the existence of good- 
nature. But to our explanation. Gentle reader ! for we are 

convinced that none but gentle or genteel readers can relish our 
excellent productions, if thou art in expectation of being per- 
fectly satisfied with what we are about to sa3% thou mayest as 
well "whistle lillebuUero " and skip quite over what follows; 
for never wight was more disappointed than thou wilt be most 
assuredly. — But to the explanation : We care just as much 
about the public and its wise conjectures, as we do about the 
man in the moon and his whim-whams, or the criticisms of the 



SALMAGUNDI. 103 

lad}' who sits majestically in her elbow-chair in the lobster ; and 
who, belying her sex, as we are credibly informed, never saj-s 
any thing worth listening to. We have launched our bark, and 
we will steer to our destined port with undeviating persever- 
ance, fearless of being shipwrecked by the way. Good-nature 
is our steersman, reason our ballast, whim the breeze that wafts 
us along, and morality our leading star. 



104 SAL3fA G UNDI. 



NO. IX. -SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

It in some measure jumps with m\ liumor to be "melancholy 
and gentleman-like " this stormy night, and I see no reason 
why I should not indulge myself for once. — Away, then, with 
joke, with fun, and laughter, for a while ; let my soul look 
back in mournful retrospect, and sadden with the memory of 
my good aunt Charity — who died of a Frenchman ! 

Stare not, oh, most dubious reader, at the mention of a com- 
plaint so uncommon ; grievously hath it afflicted the ancient 
family of the Cocklofts, who carry their absurd antipathy to 
the French so far, that they will not suffer a clove of garlic 
in the house : and my good old friend Christopher was once on 
the point of abandoning his paternal country mansion of 
Cockloft-hall, merely because a colony of frogs had settled in 
a neighboring swamp. I verily believe he would have carried 
his whim-wham into effect, had not a fortunate drought obliged 
the enemy to strike their tents, and, like a troop of wandering 
Arabs, to march off towaids a moister part of the countr}'. 

My aunt Charity departed this life in the fifty-ninth year of 
her age, though she never grew older after twenty-five. In 
her teens she was, according to her own account, a celebrated 
beauty, — though I never could meet with anybody that re- 
membered when she was handsome ; on the contrary. Ever- 
green's father, who used to gallant her in his youth, says she 
was as knotty a little piece of humanity as he ever saw ; and 
that, if she had been possessed of the least sensibility, she 
would, like poor old Acco^ have most certainly run mad at her 
own figure and face the first time she contemplated herself in 
a looking-glass. In the good old times that saw my aunt in 
the heyday of youth, a fine lady was a most formidable animal, 
and required to be approached with the same awe and devotion 
that a Tartar feels in the presence of his Grand Lama. If 
a gentleman offered to take her hand, except to help her into a 
carriage, or lead her into a drawing-room, such frowns ! such 



SALMAGUNDI. 105 

a rustling of brocade aud taffeta ! her very paste shoe-buckles 
sparkled with indignation, and for a moment assumed the 
brilliancy of diamonds : in those days the person of a belle 
was sacred ; it was uuprofaned by the sacrilegious grasp of a 

stranger : simple souls ! — they had not the waltz among 

them yet ! 

My good aunt prided herself on keeping up this buckram 
delicacy ; and if she happened to be playing at the old-fash- 
ioned game of forfeits, and was finecf a kiss, it was always 
more troulile to get it than it was worth ; for she made a most 
gallant defence, and never surrendered until she saw her adver- 
sary inclined to give over his attack. P2vergreen's father says 
he remembers once to have been on a sleighing part}^ with her, 
and when they came to Kissing-bridge, it fell to his lot to levy 
contributions on Miss Charity Cockloft ; who, after squalling 
at a hideous rate, at length jumped out of the sleigh plump into 
a snowbank; where she stuck fast like an icicle, until he came 
to her rescue. This Latonian feat cost her a rheumatism, from 
which she never thoroughly recovered. 

It is rather singular that my aunt, though a great beauty, 
aud an heiress withal, never got married. The reason she 
alleged was, that she never met with a lover who resembled Sir 
Charles Grandison, the hero of her nightly dreams and waking 
fancy ; but I am privatel}^ of opinion that it was owing to her 
never having had an offer. This much is certain, that for many 
years previous to her decease, she declined all attentions from 
the gentlemen, and contented herself with watching over the 
welfare of her fellow-creatures. 8he was, indeed, observed to 
take a considerable lean towards JNIethodism, was frequent in 
her attendance at love-feasts, read Whitefield and "Wesley, and 
even went so far as once to travel the distance of five and 
twenty miles to be present at a camp-meeting. This gave great 
offence to my cousin Christopher and his good lady, who, as I 
have already mentioned, are rigidly orthodox ; and had not my 
aunt Charity been of a most pacific disposition, her religious 
whim-wham would have occasioned many a family altercation. 
She was, indeed, as good a soul as the Cockloft family ever 
boasted ; a lady of unbounded loving-kindness, which extended to 
man, woman, and child ; many of whom slie almost killed with 
good-nature. Was any acquaintance sick? in vain did the wind 
whistle and the storm beat ; my aunt would waddle through 
mud and mire, over the whole town, but what she would visit 
them. She would sit by them for hours together with the most 
persevering patience ; aud tell a thousand melancholy stories of 



106 SALMA G UNDL 

human misery, to keep up their spirits. The whole catalogue 
of yerb teas was at her lingers' ends, from formidable worm- 
wood down to gentle balm ; and she would descant by the hour 
on the healing qualities of hoar-hound, catnip, and penny- 
royal. — Woe be to the patient that came under the benevolent 
hand of my aunt Charity ; he was sure, willy nilly, to be 
drenched with a deluge of decoctions ; and full many a time 
has my cousin Christopher borne a twinge of pain in silence 
through fear of being condemned to suffer the martyrdom of 
her materia-medica. My good aunt had, moreover, consider- 
able skill in astronomy, for she could tell when the sun rose and 
set ever}' day in the year ; and no woman in the whole world 
was able to pronounce, with more certainty, at what precise 
minute the moon changed. She held the story of the moon's 
being made of green cheese, as an abominable slander on her 
favorite planet ; and she had made several valuable discoveries 
in solar eclipses, by means of a bit of burnt glass, which 
entitled her at least to an honorary admission in the American- 
philosophical-society. Ilutchings improved was her favorite 
book ; and I shrewdly suspect that it was from this valuable 
work she drew most of her sovereign remedies for colds, 
coughs, corns, and consumptions. 

But the truth must be told ; with all her good qualities my 
aunt Charity was afflicted with one fault, extremely rare among 
her gentle sex ; — it was curiosity. How she came hy it, I am 
at a loss to imagine, but it played the very vengeance with her 
and destroyed the comfort of her life. Having an invincible 
desire to know ever3'body's character, business, and mode of 
living, she was forever prying into the affairs of her neighbors ; 
and got a great deal of ill will from people towards whom she 
had tlie kindest disposition possible. — If any family on the 
opposite side of the street gave a dinner ; my aunt would 
mount her spectacles, and sit at the window until the company 
were all housed ; merely that she might know who they were. 
If she heard a story about an}' of her acquaintance, she would, 
forthwith, set off full sail and never rest until, to use her usual 
expression, she had got "to the bottom of it;" which meant 
uotliing more than telling it to everybody she knew. 

I remember one night my aunt Charity happened to hear a 
most precious story about one of her good friends, but unfor- 
tunately too late to give it immediate circulation. It made her 
absolutely miserable ; and she hardly slept a wink all night, for 
fear her bosom-friend, Mrs. Sipkins, should get the start of 
her in the mornino- and blow the whole affair. You must know 



SA LMA G UNDL 1 U / 

there was always a contest between these two ladies, who should 
first give cnrrenc}' to the good-natured things said about every- 
body ; and this unfortunate rivalship at length proved fatal to 
their long and ardent friendship. My aunt got up full two 
hours that morning before her usual time ; put on her pompa- 
dour taffeta gown, and sallied forth to lament the misfortune of 
her dear friend. Would you believe it! — wherever she went 
Mrs. Sipkins had anticipated her ; and, instead of being 
listened to with uplifted hands and open-mouthed wonder, my 
unhappy aunt was obliged to sit down quietly and listen to the 
whole affair, with numerous additions, alterations, and amend- 
ments — now this was too bad ; it would almost have provoked 
Patience Grizzle or a saint ; — it was too much for my aunt, 
who kept her bed for three days afterwards, with a cold, as she 
pretended ; but I have no doubt it was owing to this affair of 
Mrs. .Sipkins, to whom she never would be reconciled. 

But 1 pass over the rest of my aunt Charity's life, checkered 
with the various calamities and misfortunes and mortifications 
incident to those worthy old gentlewomen who have the domes- 
tic cares of the whole community upon their minds ; and I 
hasten to relate the melanchol}' incident that hurried her out of 
existence in the full bloom of antiquated virginity. 

In their frolicksome malice the fates had ordered that a 
French boarding-house, or Pension Frangaise, as it was called, 
should be established directly opposite my aunt's residence. 
Cruel event ! unhapp}' aunt Charity ! — it threw her into that 
alarming disorder denominated the fidgets ; she did nothing but 
watch at the window day after day, but without becoming one 
whit the wiser at the end of a fortnight than she was at the 
beginning ; she thought that neighbor Pension had a monstrous 
large family, and somehow or other they were all men ! she 
could not imagine what business neighbor Pension followed to 
support so numerous a household ; and wondered why there 
was always such a scraping of fiddles in the parlor, and such a 
smell of onions from neighbor Pension's kitchen ; in short, 
neighbor Pension was continually uppermost in her thoughts, 
and incessantly on the outer edge of her tongue. This was, I 
believe, the very first time she had ever failed " to get at the 
bottom of a thing;" and the disappointment cost her many a 
sleepless night I warrant you. I have little doubt, however, 
that my aunt would have ferreted neighbor Pension out, could 
she have spoken or understood French ; but in those times 
people in general could make themselves understood in plain 
English ; and it was always a standing rule in the Cockloft 



108 SALMAGUNDI. 

family, wliich exists to this day, that not one of the females 
should learn French. 

My aunt Charity had lived, at her window, for some time 
in vain ; when one day, as she was keeping her usual lookout, 
and suffering all the pangs of unsatisfied curiosity, she beheld 
a little, meagre, weazel-faced Frenchman, of the most forlorn, 
diminutive, and pitiful proportions, arrive at neighbor Pen- 
sion's door. He was dressed in white, with a little pinched-up 
cocked hat ; he seemed to shake in the wind, and every blast 
that went over him whistled through his bones and threatened 
instant annihilation. This embodied spirit-of-famine was fol- 
lowed by three carts, lumbered with crazy trunks, chests, band- 
boxes, bidets, medicine-chests, parrots, and monkeys ; and at his 
heels ran a yelping paclc of little black-nosed pug dogs. This 
was the one thing wanting to fill up the measure of my aunt 
Charity's afflictions ; she could not conceive, for the soul of her, 
who this mysterious little apparition could be that made so great 
a display ; what he could possibly do with so much baggage, 
and particularly with his parrots and monkeys ; or how so small 
a carcass could have occasion for so many trunks of clothes. 
Honest soul ! she had never had a peep into a Frenchman's 
wardrobe ; that dqxjt of old coats, hats, and breeches, of the 
growth of every fashion he has followed in his life. 

From the time of this fatal arrival, my poor aunt was in a qnau- 
dary ; all her inquiries were fruitless ; no one could expound the 
histor}' of this mysterious stranger : she never held up her head 
afterwards, drooped daily, took to her bed in a fortnight, and in 
"one little month " I saw her quietly deposited in the family vault : 
being the seventh Cockloft that has died of a whim-wham ! 

Take warning, my fair country-women ! and you, oh, ye ex- 
cellent ladies, whether married or single, who pry into other 
people's affairs and neglect those of your own household ; — 
who are so busily employed in observing the faults of others 
that you have no time to ' correct your own ; — remember the 
fate of my dear aunt Charity, and eschew the evil spirit of 
curiosity. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I FIND, by perusal of our last number, that Will Wizard 
and Evergreen, taking advantage of my confinement, have 
been playing some of their gambols. I suspected these rogues 
of some malpractices, in consequence of their queer looks and 



SA L MA G UN DI. 109 

knowing winks whenever I came clown to dinner; and of their 
not showing their faces at old Cockloft's for several days after 
the appearance of their precious effusions. Whenever these 
two waggish fellows lay their heads together, there is always 
sure to be hatched some notable piece of mischief ; which, if it 
tickles nobody else, is sure to make its authors merry. The 
public will take notice that, for the purpose of teaching these 
m}' associates better manners, and punishing them for their 
high misdemeanors, I have, by virtue of my authority, sus- 
pended them from all interference in Salmagundi, until they 
show a proper degree of repentance ; or I get tired of support- 
ing the burthen of the work myself. I am sorry for Will, who 
is already sufficiently mortified in not daring to come to the 
old house and tell his long stories and smoke his cigar; but 
Evergreen, being an old beau, may solace himself in his dis- 
grace by trimming up all his own finery and making love to 
the little girls. 

At present m^^ right-hand man is cousin Pindar, whom I 
have taken to into high favor. He came home the other night 
all in a blaze like a sky-rocket — whisked up to his room in a 
paroxysm of poetic inspiration, nor did we see any thing of 
him until late the next morning, when he bounced upon us at 
breakfast, 

" Fire in each e3'e — and paper In each hand." 

This is just the way with Pindar, he is like a volcano ; will 
remain for a long time silent without emitting a single spark, 
and then, all at once, burst out in a tremendous explosion of 
rhyme and rhapsody. 

As the letters of my friend Mustapha seem to excite consid- 
erable curiosity, I have subjoined another. I do not vouch 
for the justice of his remarks, or the correctness of his con- 
clusions ; they are full of the blunders and errors in which 
strangers continually indulge, who pretend to give an account 
of this country before they well know the geography of the 
street in Avhich they live. The copies of my friend's papers 
being confused and without date, I cannot pretend to give 
them in systematic order; — in fact, they seem now and then 
to treat of matters which have occurred since his departure ; 
whether these are sly interpolations of that meddlesome wight 
Will Wizard, or whether honest Mustapha was gifted with 
the spirit of prophesy or second sight, I neither know — nor, iu 
fact, do I care. The following seems to have been written 
when the Tripolitan prisoners were so much annoyed by the 



110 SA LMA G UNDL 

ragged state of their wadrobe. Miistapha feelingly depicts 
the embarrassments of his situation, traveller-like; makes an 
easy transition from his breeches to the seat of government, 
and incontinently abuses the whole administration ; like a 
sapient traveller I once knew, who damned the French nation 
in toto — because they eat sugar with green peas. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Sweet, oh, Asem ! is the memory of distant friends ! like the 
mellow ray of a departing sun it falls tenderly yet sadly on 
the heart. Every hour of absence from ni}- native land rolls 
heavily by, like the sandy wave of the desert ; and the fair 
shores of my country rise blooming to my imagination, clothed 
in the soft, illusive charms of distance. I sigh, yet no one lis- 
tens to the sigh of the captive ; I shed the bitter tear of recol- 
lection, but no one sympathizes in the tear of the turbaned 
stranger ! Think not, however, thou brother of my soul, that 
I complain of the horrors of my situation ; — think not that my 
captivity is attended with the labors, the chains, the scourges, 
the insults, that render slavery, with us, more dreadful than the 
pangs of hesitating, lingering death. Light, indeed, are 
the restraints on the personal freedom of thy kinsman ; but 
who can enter into the afflictions of the mind? — who can de- 
scribe the agonies of the heart? they are mutable as the clouds 
of the air — they are countless as the waves that divide me 
from my native country. 

I have, of late, my dear Asem, labored under an inconve- 
nience singularly unfortunate, and am reduced to a dilemma 
most ridiculously embarrassing. Why should I hide it from 
the companion of my thoughts, the partner of my sorrows and 
my joys? Alas! Asem, thy friend Mustapha, the invincible 
captain of a ketch, is sadly in want of a pair of breeches ! Thou 
wilt doubtless smile, oh, most grave Mussulman, to hear me 
indulge in such ardent lamentations about a circumstance so 
trivial, and a want apparentl}' so easy to be satisfied ; but little 
canst thou know of the mortifications attending my necessities, 



SALMAGUNDI. Ill 

and the astonishing difficulty of supplying them. Honored 
.by the smiles and attentions of the beautiful ladies of this city, 
who have fallen in love with my whiskers and my turban ; 
courted by the bashaws and the great naen, who delight to 
have me at their feasts ; the honor of my company eagerly 
solicited by every fiddler who gives a concert ; think of my 
chagrin at being obliged to decline the host of invitations that 
daily overwhelm me, merely for want of a pair of breeches ! 
Oh, Allah ! Allah ! that thy disciples could come into the world 
all be-feathered like a bamtam, or with a pair of leather breeches 
like the wild deer of the forest! Surely, my friend, it is the 
destiny of man to be forever subjected to petty evils ; which, 
however trifling in appearance, prey in silence on his little 
pittance of enjoyment, and poison those moments of sunshine 
which might otherwise be consecrated to happiness. 

The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is easily supplied ; and 
thou mayest suppose need only be mentioned, to be remedied 
at once by any tailor of the land : little canst thou conceive the 
impediments which stand in the way of my comfort ; and still 
less art thou acquainted with the prodigious great scale on 
which every thing is transacted in this country. The nation 
moves most majestically slow and clumsy in the most trivial 
affairs, like the unwieldy elephant which makes a formidable 
ditficulty of picking up a straw ! When I hinted my necessities 
to the officer who has charge of myself and my companions, I 
expected to have them forthwith relieved ; but he made an 
amazing long face, told me that we were prisoners of state, 
that we must, therefore, be clothed at the expense of govern- 
ment ; that as no provision had been made by congress for an 
emergency of the kind, it was impossible to furnish me with a 
pair of breeches, until all the sages of the nation had been con- 
vened to talk over the matter and debate upon the expediency 
of granting my request. Sword of the immortal Khalid, 
thought I, but this is great! — this is truly sublime! All the 
sages of an immense logocracy assembled together to talk 
about my breeches ! Vain mortal that I am ! — I cannot but 
own I was somewhat reconciled to the delay, which must ne- 
cessarily attend this method of clothing me, by the considera- 
tion that if they made the affair a national act, my " name 
must, of course, be embodied in history," and myself and ray 
breeches flourish to immortality in the annals of this mighty 
empire ! 

" But, pray," said I, " how does it happen that a matter so 
insignificant should be erected into an object of such impor- 



112 SALMAGUNDI. 

tance as to employ the representative wisdom of the nation ; 
and what is the cause of their talking so much about a trifle? " 
— " Oh," replied the officer, who acts as our slave-driver, " it 
all proceeds from economy. If the government did not spend 
ten times as much money in debating whether it was proper to 
supply you with breeches, as the breeches themselves would 
cost, the people who govern the bashaw and his divan would 
straightway begin to complain of their liberties being infringed ; 
the national finances squandered ! not a hostile slang-whanger 
throughout the logocracy, but would burst forth like a barrel 
of combustion, and ten chances to one but the basliaw and the 
sages of his divan would all be turned out of office together. 
My good Mussulman," continued he, " the administration 
have the good of the people too much at heart to trifle with their 
pockets ; and they would sooner assemble and talk away ten 
thousand dollars, than expend fifty silently out of the treasury ; 
such is the wonderful spirit of economy that pervades every 
branch of this government." " But," said I, '' how is it pos- 
sible they can spend money in talking ; surely words cannot be 
the current coin of this country?" "Truly," cried he, smil- 
ing, " your question is pertinent enough, for words indeed often 
supply the place of cash among us, and many an honest debt 
is paid in promises : but the fact is, the grand bashaw and the 
members of congress, or grand-talkers-of-the-nation, either 
receive a yearly salary or are paid b}- the da}'." " By the nine 
hundred tongues of the great beast in Mahomet's vision, but 
the murder is out ; — it is no wonder these honest men talk so 
much about nothing, when they are paid for talking, like day- 
laborers." "You are mistaken," said my driver, " it is noth- 
ing but economy ! " 

I remained silent for some minutes, for this inexplicable 
word economy always discomfits me ; and when I flatter myself 
I have grasped it, it slips through my fingers like a jack-o'- 
lantern. I have not, nor perhaps ever shall acquire, sufficient 
of the philosophic policy of this government to draw a proper 
distinction between an individual and a nation. If a man was 
to throw awa}' a pound in order to save a beggarly penny, and 
boast, at the same time, of his economy, I should think him on 
a par with the fool in the fable of Alfanji, who, in skinning a 
flint worth a farthing, spoiled a knife worth fifty times the sum, 
and thought he had acted wisel3\ The shrewd fellow would 
doubtless have valued himself much more highly on his econ- 
omy, could he have known that his example would one day be 
followed by the bashaw of America, and the sages of his divan. 



SALMAGUNDI. 113 

This economic disposition, my friend, occasions much fight- 
ing of the spirit, and innumerable contests of the tongue in this 
talking assembly. — Wouldst thou believe it? they were actu- 
ally employed for a whole week in a most strenuous and elo- 
quent debate aliout patching up a hole in the wall of the room 
appropriated to their meetings ! A vast profusion of nervous 
argument and pompous declamation was expended on the occa- 
sion. Some of the orators, I am told, being rather waggishly 
inclined, were most stupidly jocular on the occasion ; but their 
waggery gave great offence ; and was highly reprobated by the 
more weighty part of the assembly, who hold all wit and humor 
in abomination, and thought the business in hand much too 
solemn and serious to be treated lightly. It is supposed by 
some that this affair would have occupied a whole winter, as 
it was a subject upon which several gentlemen spoke who had 
never been known to open their lips in that place except to say 
yes and no. These silent members are by way of distinction 
denominated orator mums, and are highly valued in this coun- 
try on account of their great talent for silence ; — a qualifica- 
tion extremely rare in a logocracy. 

Fortunately for the public tranquillity, in the hottest part of 
the debate, when two rampant Virginians, brim-full of logic 
and philosophy, were measuring tongues, and sj'llogisticall}' 
cudgelling each other out of their unreasonable notions, the 
president of the divan, a knowing old gentleman, one night 
slyly sent a mason with a hod of mortar, who, in the course of 
a few minutes, closed up the hole and put a final end to the 
argument. Thus did this wise old gentleman, by hitting on 
a most simple expedient, in all probability save his country as 
much money as would build a gunboat, or pay a hireling slang- 
whanger for a whole volume of words. As it happened, only 
a few thousand dollars were expended in paying these men, 
who are denominated, I suppose in derision, legislators. 

Another instance of their economy I relate with pleasure, for 
I really begin to feel a regard for these poor barbarians. They 
talked away the best part of a whole winter before they could 
determine not to expend a few dollars in purchasing a sword to 
bestow on an illustrious warrior: yes, Asem, on that very hero 
who frightened all our poor old women and young children at 
Derne, and fully proved himself a greater man than the mother 
that bore him. Thus, my friend, is the whole collective wis- 
dom of this mighty logocracy employed in somniferous debates 
about the most trivial affairs ; like I have sometimes seen a 
herculean mountebank exerting all his energies in balancing 



114 SALMAGUNDI. 

a straw upon his nose. Their sages behold the minutest object 
with the miscroscopic eyes of a pismire ; mole-hills swell into 
mountains, and a grain of mustard-seed will set the whole ant- 
hill in a hub-bub. Whether this indicates a capacious vision, 
or a diminutive mind, I leave thee to decide ; for my part, I 
consider it as another proof of the great scale on which every 
thing is transacted in this country. 

I have before told thee that nothing can be done without con- 
sulting the sages of the nation, who compose the assembly 
called the congress. This prolific body may not improperly be 
termed the "mother of inventions;" and a most fruitful 
mother it is, let me tell thee, though its children are generally 
abortions. It has lately labored with what was deemed the 
concei)tion of a mighty navy. — All the old women and the 
good wives that assist the bashaw in his emergencies hurried 
to head-quarters to be busy, like midwives, at the delivery. — 
All was anxiety, fidgeting, and consultation ; when, after a 
deal of groaning and struggling, instead of formidable first 
rates and gallant frigates, out crept a litter of sorry little gun- 
boats ! These are most pitiful little vessels, partaking vastly 
of the character of the grand bashaw, who has the credit of 
begetting them ; being flat, shallow vessels that can only sail 
before the wind ; — must always keep in with the land ; — are 
continually foundering or running ashore ; and, in short, are 
only fit for smooth water. Though intended for the defence 
of the maritime cities, yet the cities are obliged to defend 
them ; and they require as much nursing as so many rickety 
little bantlings. They are, however, the darling pets of the 
grand bashaw, being the children of his dotage, and, perhaps 
from their diminutive size and palpable weakness, are called 
the "infant navy of America." The act that brought them 
into existence was almost deified by the majority of the peo- 
ple as a grand stroke of econom}^ — By the beard of Mahomet, 
but this word is truly inexplicable ! 

To this economic body, therefore, was I advised to address 
my petition, and humbly to pray that the august assembly of 
sages would, in the plenitude of their wisdom and the magni- 
tude of their powers, munificently bestow on an unfortunate 
captive, a pair of cotton breeches! "Head of the immortal 
Anarou," cried I, "but this would be presumptuous to a de- 
gree ; what ! after these worthies have thought proper to leave 
their country naked and defenceless, and exposed to all the 
political storms that rattle without, can I expect that they will 
lend a helping hand to comfort the extremities of a solitary 



SALMAGUNDI. 115 

captive?" My exclamation was only answered by a smile, 
and I was consoled by the assurance that, so far from beiuor 
neglected, it was every way probable my breeches might 
occupy a whole session of the divan, and set several of the 
longest heads together by the ears. F'lattering as was the 
idea of a whole nation being agitated about my breeches, yet 
I own I was somewhat dismayed at the idea of remaining in 
q^ierpo, until all the national graybeards should have made a 
speech on the occasion, and given their consent to the measure. 
The embarrassment and distress of mind which I experienced 
was visible in my countenance, and my guard, who is a man 
of infinite good-nature, immediately suggested, as a more 
expeditious plan of supplying my wants — a benefit at ih& 
theatre. Though profoundly ignorant of bis meaning, I 
agreed to his proposition, the result of which I shall disclose 
to thee in another letter. 

Fare thee well, dear Asem ; in thy pious prayers to our great 
prophet, never forget to solicit thy friend's return ; and when 
thou numberest up the many blessings bestowed on tliee by alli- 
bountiful Allah, pour forth thy gratitude that he has east thy 
nativit}' in a land where there is no assembly of legislative 
chatterers : — no great bashaw, who bestrides a gunboat for 
a hobby-horse: — where the word economy is unknown; — 
and where an unfortunate captive is not obliged to call upon 
the whole nation, to cut him out a pair of breeches. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FROM THE MILL OF PENDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

Though enter'd on that sober age, 
When men withdraw from fashion's stage. 
And leave the follies of the day. 
To shape their course a graver way ; 
Still those gay scenes I loiter round, 
In which my youth sweet transport found : . 
And though I feel their joys decay, 
And languish every hour away, — 
Yet like an exile doomed to part. 
From the dear country of his heart, 
From the fair spot in which he sprung. 
Where his first notes of love were sung, 



11 6 SALMA G UNDL 

"Will often turn to wave the hand, 
And sigh his blessings on the laud ; 
Just so my lingering watch I keep, — 
Thus oft I take my farewell peep. 

And, like that pilgrim who retreats, 
Thus lagging from his parent seats, 
When the sad thought pervades his mind, 
That the fair land he leaves behind 
Is ravaged by a foreign foe, 
Its cities waste, its temples low, 
And ruined all those haunts of joy 
That gave him rapture when a boy ; 
Turns from it with averted eye, 
And while he heaves the anguish'd sigh, 
Scarce feels regret that the loved shore 
Shall beam upon his sight no more ; — 
Just so it grieves my soul to view, 
While breathing forth a fond adieu, 
The innovations pride has made, 
The fustian, frippery, and parade, 
That now usurps with mawkish grace 
Pure tranquil pleasure's wonted place! 

'Twas joy we look'd for in my prime, 
That idol of the olden time ; 
When all our pastimes had the art 
To please, and not mislead, the heart. 
Style curs'd us not, — that modern flash, 
That love of racket and of trash ; 
Which scares at once all feeling joys, 
And drowns delight in empty noise ; 
Which barters friendship, mirth, and tratb. 
The artless air, the bloom of youth, 
And all those gentle sweets that swarm 
Round nature in her simplest form, 
For cold display, for hollow state, 
The trappings of the would-be great. 

Oh ! once again those days recall. 
When heart met heart in fashion's hall; 
When every honest guest would flock 
To add his pleasure to the stock. 
More fond his transports to express, 
Than show the tinsel of his dress ! 
These were the times that clasp'd the soul 
In gentle friendship's soft control, 



SALMAGUNDI. 117 

Our fair ones, un profaned by art, 
Content to gain one honest heart. 
No train of sighing swains desired, 
Sought to be loved and not admired. 
But now 'tis form, not love, unites ; 
'Tis show, not pleasure, that invites. 
Each seeks the ball to play the queen, 
To flirt, to conquer, to be seen ; 
Each grasps at universal sway, 
And reigns the idol of the day ; 
Exults amid a thousand sighs, 
And triumphs when a lover dies. 
Each belle a rival belle surveys. 
Like deadly foe with hostile gaze ; 
Nor can her " dearest friend " caress, 
Till she has slyly scauned her dress ; 
Ten conquests in one year will make, 
And six eternal friendships break ! 

How oft I breathe the inward sigh, 
And feel the dew-drop in my eye. 
When I behold some beauteous frame, 
Divine in ever}' thing but name, 
Just venturing, in the tender age. 
On fashion's late new-fangled stage! 
Where soon the guiltless heart shall cease 
To beat in artlessness and peace ; 
Where all the flowers of gay delight 
With which youth decks his prospects bright, 
Shall wither 'mid the cares, the strife, 
The cold realities of life ! 

Thus lately, in my careless mood, 
As I the world of fashion view'd 
While celebrating great and small 
That grand solemnity, a ball, 
My roving vision chanced to light 
On two sweet forms, divinely bright; 
Two sister nymphs, alike in face. 
In mien, in loveliness, and grace ; 
Twin rose-buds, bursting into bloom, 
In all their brilliance and perfume : 
Like those fair forms that often beam 
Upon the Eastern poet's dream ! 
For Eden had each lovely maid 
In native innocence arrayed, — 



SALMAGUNDI. 

And heaven itself had almost shed 
Its sacred halo round each head ! 

They seem'd, just entering hand in hand, 
To cautious tread this fairy land ; 
To take a timid, hasty view, 
Enchanted with a scene so new. 
Tiie modest blush, untaught by art, 
Bespoke their purity of heart ; 
And every timorous act unfurl'd 
Two souls unspotted by the world. 

Oh, how these strangers jo^-ed my sight, 
And thrill'd my bosom with delight ! 
They brouglit the visions of my youth 
Back to my soul in all their truth ; 
Recall'd fair spirits into day. 
That time's rough hand had swept away! 
Thus the briglit natives from above, 
"Who come on messages of love, 
Will bless, at rare and distant whiles, 
Our sinful dwelling by their smiles ! 

Oh ! my romance of youth is past. 
Dear airy dreams too bright to last ! 
Yet when such forms as these appear, 
I feel your soft remembrance here ; 
For, ah ! the simple poet's heart, 
On which fond love once played its part, 
Still feels the soft pulsations beat. 
As loath to quit their former seat. 
Just like the harp's melodious wire. 
Swept by a bard with heavenly fire, 
Though ceased tlie loudly swelling strain 
Yet sweet vibrations long remain. 

Full soon I found the lovely pair 
Had sprung beneath a mother's care. 
Hard by a neighboring streamlet's side, 
At once its ornament and pride. 
The beauteous parent's tender heart 
Had well fulfilled its pious part ; 
And, like the holy man of old, 
As we're by sacred writings told. 
Who, when he from his pupil sped, 
Pour'd twofold blessings on his head, — 
So this fond mother had imprest 
Her early virtues in each breast, 



SALMAGUNDI. 119 

And as she found her stock enlarge, 
Had stampt new graces on her charge. 

The fair resign'd the calm retreat, 
Where first their souls in concert beat, 
And flew on expectation's wing, 
To sip the joys of life's gay spring ; 
To sport in fashion's spledid maze, 
"Where friendship fades and love decays. 
So two sweet wild flowers, near the side 
Of some fair river's silver tide. 
Pure as the gentle stream that laves 
The green banks with its lucid waves. 
Bloom beauteous in their native ground, 
Diffusing heavenly fragrance round ; 
But should a venturous hand transfer 
These blossoms to the gay parterre, 
Where, spite of artificial aid. 
The fairest plants of nature fade. 
Though they may shine supreme awhile 
'Mid pale ones of the stranger soil, 
The tender beauties soon decay. 
And their sweet fragrance dies away. 

Blest spirits ! who, enthroned in air, 
Watch o'er the virtues of the fair, 
And with angelic ken survey 
Their windings through life's chequer'd way 
Who hover round them as they glide 
Down fashion's smooth, deceitful tide, 
And guard them o'er that storm}^ deep 
Where dissipation's tempests sweep : 
Oh, make this inexperienced pair 
The objects of your tenderest care. 
Preserve them from the languid eye, 
The faded cheek, the long-drawn sigh ; 
And let it be your constant aim 
To keep the fair ones still the same : 
Two sister hearts, unsullied, bright 
As the first beam of lucid light 
That sparkled from the youthful sun, 
When first his jocund race begun. 
So when these hearts shall burst their shrine, 
To wing their flight to realms divine, 
They may to radiant mansions rise 
Pure as when first they left the skies. 



120 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. X.- SATURDAY, MAY 16. 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

The long interval which has elapsed since the publication of 
our last number, like many other remarkable events, has 
given rise to much conjecture and excited considerable solici- 
tude. It is but a day or two since I heard a knowing youug 
gentleman observe, that he suspected Salmagundi would be a 
nine days' wonder, and had even prophesied that the ninth 
would be our last effort. But the age of prophecy, as well 
as that of chivalry, is past; and no reasonable man should 
now venture to foretell aught but what he is determined to 
briug about himself: — he may then, if he please, monopolize 
prediction, and be honored as a prophet even in his own 
countr}'. 

Though I hold whether we write, or not write, to be none 
of the public's business, yet as I have just heard of the loss of 
three thousand votes at least to the Cliutouians, I feel in a 
remarkably dulcet humor thereupon, and will give some account 
of the reasons which induced us to resume our useful labors : — 
or rather our amusement ; for, if writing cost either of us a 
moment's labor, there is not a man but what would hang up 
his pen, to the great detriment of the world at large, and of our 
publisher in particular ; who has actually bought himself a pair 
of trunk breeches, with the profits of our writings ! 

He informs me that several persons having called last 
Saturday for No. X., took the disappointment so much to 
heart, that he really apprehended some terrible catastrophe; 
and one good-looking man, in particular, declared his inten- 
tion of quitting the country if the work was not continued. 
Add to this, the town has grown quite melanchoh' in the last 
fortnight; and several young ladies have declared, in my 
hearing, that if another number did not make its ai)pearance 
soon, they would be obliged to amuse themselves with teasing 
their beaux and making them miserable. Now I assure my 
readers there was no flattery iu this, for they no more sus- 



SALMAGUNDI. 121 

pected me of being Launcelot Langstfiff, than they suspected 
me of being the emperor of China, or the man in tlie moon. 

I have also received several letters complaining of our indo- 
lent procrastination ; and one of my correspondents assures me, 
that a number of young gentlemen, who had not read a book 
through since they left school, but who have taken a wonderful 
liking to our paper, will certainly relapse into their old habits 
unless we go on. 

For the sake, therefore, of all these good people, and most 
especially for the satisfaction of the ladies, every one of whom 
we would love, if we possibly could, I have again wielded my 
pen with a most hearty determination to set the whole world 
to rights ; to make cherubims and seraphs of all the fair ones 
of this enchanting town, and raise the spirits of the poor 
Federalists, who, in truth, seem to be in a sad taking, ^ver 
since the American-Ticket met with the accident of being so 
unhappily thrown out. 



TO LAUNCELOT LANG STAFF, ESQ. 

Sir: — I felt myself hurt and offended by Mr. Evergreen's 
terrible philippic against modern music, in No. II. of your 
work, and was under serious apprehension that his strictures 
might bring the art, which 1 have the honor to profess, into 
contempt. The opinion of yourself and fraternity appears 
indeed to have a wonderful effect upon the town. — I am told 
the ladies are all employed in reading Buuyan and Pamela, 
and the waltz has been entirely forsaken ever since the winter 
balls have closed. Under these apprehensions I should have 
addressed you before, had I not been sedulously employed, 
while the theatre continued open, in supporting the astonishing 
variety of the orchestra, and in composing a new chime or Bob- 
Major for Trinity Church, to be rung during the summer, be- 
ginning with ding-dong di-do, instead of di-do ding-dong. The 
citizens, especially those who live in the neighborhood of that 
harmonious quarter, will, no doubt, be infinitely delighted with 
this novelty. 

But to the object of this communication. So far, sir, from 
agreeing with Mr. Evergreen in tli inking that all modern music 
is but the mere dregs and drainings of the ancient, I trust, 
before this letter is concluded, I shall convince j-ou and him that 
some of the late professors of this enchanting art have com- 



122 SALMAGUNDI. 

pletely distanced the paltry efforts of the ancients ; and that I, 
in particular, have at length brought it almost to absolute per- 
fection. 

The Greeks, simple souls ! were astonished at the powers of 
Orpheus, who made the woods and rocks dance to his lyre ; 
— of Amphion, who converted crochets into bricks, and qua- 
vers into mortar; — and of Arion, who won upon the compas- 
sion of the fishes. In the fervency of admiration, their poets 
fabled that Apollo had lent them his hre, and inspired them 
with his own spirit of harmony. What then would they have 
said had they witnessed the wonderful effects of ni}' skill? had 
they heard me in the compass of a single piece, describe in 
glowing notes one of the most sublime operations of nature ; 
and not only make inaninate objects dance, but even speak ; 
and not only si)eak, but speak in strains of exquisite harmony? 

Let me not, however, be understood to say that I am the sole 
author of this extraordinary improvement in the art, for I 
confess I took the hint of many of my discoveries from some 
of those meritorious productions that have lately come abroad 
and made so much noise under the title of overtures. From 
some of these, as, for instance, Lodoiska, and the battle of 
Marengo, a gentleman, or a captain in the city militia, or an 
amazouian young lad^', may indeed acquire a tolerable idea of 
military tactics, and become very well experienced in the firing 
of musketry, the roaring of cannon, the rattling of drums, the 
whistling of fifes, braying of trumpets, groans of the dying, 
and trampling of cavaliy, without ever going to the wars ; but 
it is more especially in the art of imitating inimitable things, 
and giving the language of every passion and sentiment of 
the human mind, so as entirely to do away the necessity of 
speech, that I particularly excel the most celebrated musicians 
of ancient and modern times. 

I think, sir, I may venture to say there is not a sound in the 
whole compass of nature which I cannot imitate, and even 
improve upon ; — nay, what I consider the perfection of my art, 
I have discovered a method of expressing, in the most striking 
manner, that undefinable, indescribable silence which accom- 
panies the falling of snow. 

In order to prove to you that I do not arrogate to myself 
what I am unable to perform, I will detail to you the different 
movements of a grand piece which I pride myself upon ex- 
ceedingly, called the " Breaking up of the ice in the North 
River." 

The piece opens with a gentle andante affetuosso, which ush- 



SALMAGUNDI. 13>, 

ers you into the assembly-room in the state-house in Albanj^ 
where the speaker addresses his farewell speech, informing the 
members that the ice is about breaking up, and thanking therri 
for their great services and good behavior in a manner so 
pathetic as to bring tears into their eyes. — Flourish of Jacks- 
a-donkies. — Ice cracks; Albany in a hub-bub: — air, "Three 
children sliding on the ice, all on a summer's day." — Citizens 

quarrelling in Dutch ; chorus of a tin trumpet, a cracked 

fiddle, and a hand-saw ! allegro moderato. — Hard frost : 

— this, if given with proper spirit, has a charming effect, and 
sets everybod3-'s teeth chattering. — Symptoms of snow — 
consultation of old women who complain of pains in the bones 

and rheumatics ; air, ' *• There was an old woman tossed up 

in a blanket," etc. allegro staccato; wagon breaks into the 

ice ; — people all run to see what is the matter ; air, sici- 

liano — " Can you row the boat ashore, Billy bo}^ Billy boy ; " 

— andante; — frost-fish froze up in the ice ; air, — " Ho, 

why dost thou shiver and shake, Gaffer Gray, and why does thy 

nose look so blue?" Flourish of twopenny trumpets and 

rattlers ; — consultation of the North-river Society ; — determine 
to set the North-river on fire, as soon as it will burn; — air, 
" O, what a fine kettle of fish." 

Part II. — Great Thaw. — This consists of the most melting 
strains, flowing so smoothly as to occasion a great overflowing 
of scientific rapture ; air — "■ One misty moisty morning." The 
house of assembly breaks up — air — " The owls came out and 
flew about." Assembly-men embark on their w^ay to New- 
York air "The ducks aud the geese they all swam 

over, fal, de ral," etc. Vessel sets sail — chorus of mari- 
ners — " Steer her up, and let her gang." After this a rapid 
movement conducts you to New York ; — the North-river Society 
hold a meeting at the corner of Wall Street, and determine to 
delay burning till all the assembly-men are safe home, for fear 
of consuming some of their own members who belong to that 
respectable body. Return again to the capital. — Ice floats 
down the river; lamentation of skaters; air, affetuosso — "I 
sigh and lament me in vain," etc. — Albanians cutting up stur- 
geon ; — air, " O the roast beef of Albany." Ice runs against 
Polopo3''s island with a terrible crash. — This is represented by 
a fierce fellow travelling with his fiddle-stick over a huge bass 
viol, at the rate of one hundred and fifty bars a minute, and 
tearing the music to rags ; — this being what is called execution. 

— The great body of ice passes West Point, and is saluted by 
three or four dismounted cannon, from Fort Putman. — "Jef- 



124 SALMA G UNDI. 

ferson's march" by a full iDand ; air, "Yankee doodle," with 
seventy-six variations, never before attempted, except by the 
celebrated eagle, which flutters his wings over the copper-bot- 
tomed angel at Messrs. Paff's in Broadway. Ice passes New 
York : conch-shell sounds at a distance — ferrymen call o-v-e-r; 

— people run down Courtlandt Street — ferry boat set sail 

air — accompanied by the couch-shell — " We'll all go over the 
ferry." — Rondeau — giving a particular account of Bkom 
the Powles-hook admiral, who is supposed to be closely connected 
with the North-river Society. — The society make a grand 
attempt to fire the stream, but are utterly defeated by a re- 
markable high tide, which brings the plot to light ; drowns 
upwards of a thousand rats, and occasions twenty robins to 
break their necks. ^ — Society not being discouraged, apply to 

"Common Sense," for his lantern; Air — "Nose, nose, 

jolly red nose." Flock of wild geese fly over the city; — old 
wives chatter in the fog — cocks crow at Communipaw — drums 
beat on Governor's island. — The whole to conclude with the 
blowing up of Sand's powder-house. 

Thus, sir, you perceive what wonderful powers of expression 
have been hitherto locked up in this enchanting art : — a whole 
history is here told without the aid of speech, or writing ; and 
provided the hearer is in the least acquainted with music, he 
cannot mistake a single note. As to the blowing up of the 
powder-house, I look upon it as a cJief d'oeuv7-e, which I am 
confident will delight all modern amateurs, who very properly 
estimate music in proportion to the noise it makes, and delight 
in thundering cannon and earthquakes. 

I must confess, however, it is a difficult part to manage, and 
I have already broken six pianos in giving it the proper force 
and effect. But I do not desi)air, and am quite certain that by 
the time I have broken eight or ten more, I shall have brought 
it to such perfection, as to be able to teach any young lady of 
tolerable ear, to thunder it away to the infinite delight of papa 
and mamma, and the great anno3'ance of those Vandals, who 
are so barbarous as to prefer the simple melody of a Scots air, 
to the sublime effusions of modern musical doctors. 

In my warm anticipations of future improvement, I have 
sometimes almost convinced myself that music will, in time, be 
brought to such a climax of perfection, as to supersede the 
necessity of speech and writing ; and every kind of social inter- 
course be conducted by the flute and fiddle. — The immense 

1 Vide — Solomon Lang. 



SALMAGUNDI. 125 

benefits that will result from this improvement must be plain to 
every man of the least consideration. In the present unhappy 
situation of mortals, a man has but one way of making him- 
self perfectly understood ; if he loses his speech, he must inevi- 
tably be dumb all the rest of his life ; but having once learned 
this new musical language, the loss of speech will be a mere 
trifle not worth a moment's uneasiness. Not only this, Mr. L., 
but it will add much to the harmony of domestic intercourse ; 
for it is certainly much more agreeable to hear a lady give lec- 
tures on the piano than, viva voce., in the usual discordant 
measure. This manner of discoursing may also, I think, be 
introduced with great effect into our national assemblies, where 
every man, instead of wagging his tongue, should be obliged 
to flourish a fiddlestick, by which means, if he said nothing to 
the purpose, he would, at all events, " discourse most eloquent 
music," which is more than can be said of most of them at 
present. They might also sound their own trumpets without 
being obliged to a hireling scribbler for an immortality of nine 
days, or subjected to the censure of egotism. 

But the most important result of this discovery is that it may 
be applied to the establishment of that great desideratum in 
the learned world, a universal language. AVherever this science 
of music is cultivated, nothing more will be necessary than a 
knowledge of its alphabet ; which being almost the same every- 
where, will amount to a universal medium of communication. 
A man may thus, with his violin under his arm, a piece of 
rosin, and a few bundles of catgut, fiddle his way though the 
world, and never be at a loss to make himself understood. 
I am, etc., 

DEMY SEMIQUAVER. 



SALMAGUNDI. 



VOLUME TWO. 



[Note by the Publisher. — Without the knowledge or permission of the authors, 
and which, if he dared, he would have placed near where their remarks are made on the 
great difference of manners which exists between the sexes now, from what it did in 
the days of our graudames. The danger of that cheek-by-jowl familiarity of the present 
day, must be obvious to many; and I think the following a strong example of one of its 
evils.] 

EXTRACTED FROM " THE MIRROR OF THE GRACES." 

"I REMEMBER the Couiit M , oiie of the most accom- 
plished and handsomest young men in Vienna ; when I was 
there he was passionately in love with a girl of almost peerless 
beauty. She was the daughter of a man of great rank, and 
great influence at court ; and on these considerations, as well 
as in regard to her charms, she was followed by a multitude of 
suitors. She was lively and amiable, and treated them all with 
an affability which still kept them in her train, although it was 

generally known she had avowed a partiality for Count M ; 

and that preparations were making for their nuptials. The 
Count was of a refined mind, and a delicate sensibility ; he 
loved her for herself alone ; for the virtues which he believed 
dwelt in her beautiful form ; and, like a lover of such perfec- 
tions, he never approached her without timidity' ; and when he 
touched her, a fire shot through his veins, that warned him not 
to invade the vermilion sanctuary of her lips. Such were his 
feelings when, one evening, at his intended father-in-law's a 
party of young people were met to celebrate a certain festival ; 
several of the young lady's rejected suitors were present. For- 
feits were one of the pastimes, and all went on with the great- 
est merriment, till the Count was commanded, by some witty 
mam'selle^ to redeem his glove b}- saluting the cheek of his 
intended bride. The Count blushed, trembled, advanced, re- 
126 



SALMAGUNDI. 127 

treated; again advanced to his mistress,- — and, — at last, — 
with a tremor that shook his whole soul, and every fibre of his 
frame, with a modest and diffident grace, he took the soft 
ringlet which played upon her cheek, pressed it to his lips, and 
retired to demand his redeemed pledge in the most evident con- 
fusion. His mistress gayly smiled, and the game went on. 

" One of her rejected suitors who was of a merry, unthinking 
disposition, was adjudged by the same indiscreet crier of the 
forfeits as " his last treat before he hanged himself " to snatch 
a kiss from the object of his recent vows. A livelj' contest en- 
sued between the gentleman and lady, which lasted for more 
than a minute ; but the lady yielded, though in the midst of a 
convulsive laugh. 

" The Count had the mortification — the agony — to see the 
lips, which his passionate and delicate love would not permit 
him to touch, kissed with roughness, and repetition, by another 
man : — even by one whom he really despised. Mournfully and 
silently, without a word, he rose from his chair — left the room 
and the house. By that good-natured kiss the fair boast of 
Vienna lost lier lover — lost her husband. The Count never 

SAW HER MORE." 



128 SALMA G UNDL 



NO. XI. -TUESDAY, JUNE 2, 1807. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

The deep shadows of midnight gather around me ; — the 
footsteps of the passengers have ceased in the streets, and 
nothing disturbs the hol^' silence of the hour save the sound of 
distant drums, mingled with the shouts, the bawlings, and the 
discordant revelry of his majest3^ the sovereign mob. Let 
the hour be sacred to friendship, and consecrated to thee, oh, 
thou brother of my inmost soul. 

Oh, Asem ! I almost shrink at the recollection of the scenes 
of confusion, of licentious disorganization, which I have wit- 
nessed during the last three daj's. I have beheld this whole 
city, nay, this whole state, given up to the tongue, and the 
pen ; to the puffers, the bawlers, the babblers, and the slang- 
whangers. I have beheld the community convulsed with a civil 
war, or civil talk ; individuals verbally massacred, families 
annihilated by whole sheets full, and slang-whangers cooll}' 
bathing their pens in ink and rioting in the slaughter of their 
thousands. I have seen, in short, that awful despot, the peo- 
ple, in the moment of unlimited power, wielding newspapers in 
one hand, and with the other scattering mud and filth about, 
like some desperate lunatic relieved from the restraints of his 
straight waistcoat. I have seen beggars on horseback, raga- 
muffins riding in coaches, and swine seated in places of honor ; 
I have seen liberty ; I have seen equality ; I have seen frater- 
nity ! — I have seen that great political puppet-show an 

ELECTION. 

A few days ago the friend whom I have mentioned in some 
of my former letters, called upon me to accompany him to wit- 
ness this grand ceremony ; and we forthwith sallied out to the 
polls, as he called them. Though for several weeks before this 
splendid exhibition, nothing else had been talked of, yet I do 



SA LMA G UNDI. 129 

assure thee T was entirely- ignorant of its nature; and when, on 
coming u[) to a church, in}' companion informed we were at the 
poll. I supiposed that an election was some great religious cere- 
mony like the fast of Ilamazan, or the great festival of Haraphat, 
so celebrated in the east. 

My friend, however, undeceived me at once, and entered 
into a long dissertation on the nature and object of an election, 
the substance of which was nearly to this effect: '' You know," 
said he, " that this country is engaged in a violent internal war- 
fare, and suffers a variety of evils from civil dissensions. An 
election is a grand trial of strength, the decisive battle, when 
the belligerents draw out their forces in martial arraj- ; when 
every leader, burning with warlike ardor, and encouraged by 
the shouts and acclamations of tatterdemalions, buftbons, de- 
pendants, parasites, toad-eaters, scrubs, vagrants, mumpers, 
ragamutlins, bravoes, and beggars, in his rear ; and puffed up 
by his bellows-ljlowing slang-whangers, waves gallantly the 
banners of faction, and presses forward to office and immor- 
tality ! 

" For a month or two previous to the critical period which is 
to decide this important affair, the whole community is in a fer- 
ment. Every man, of whatever rank or degree, such is the 
wonderful patriotism of the people, disinterestedly neglects his 
business, to devote himself to his country ; — and not an insig- 
nificant fellow, but feels himself inspired, on this occasion, 
with as much warmth in favor of the cause he has espoused, a& 
if all the comfort of his life, or even his life itself, was depend- 
ent on the issue. Grand councils of war, are, in the first place^ 
called by the diffei'cnt powers, which are dubbed general meet- 
ings, where all the head workmen of the part}' collect, and ar- 
range the order of battle ; — appoint the different commanders, 
and their subordinate instruments, and furnish the funds indis- 
pensable for supplying the expenses of the war. Inferior coun- 
cils are next calletl in the different classes or wards ; consisting 
of young cadets, who are candidates for offices ; idlers who 
come there for mere ciu'iosity ; and orators who appear for the 
purpose of detailing all the crimes, the faults, or the weak- 
nesses of their opponents, and speaking the sense of the meeting^ 
as it is called ; for as the meeting generally consists of men 
whose quota of sense, taken individually would make but a 
poor figure, these orators are appointed to collect it all in a 
lump ; when I assure you it makes a very formidable appear- 
ance, and furnishes sufHcient matter to spin an oration of two 
or three hours. 



130 SALMAGUNDI. 

" The orators who cleclaim at these meetings are, with a few 
exceptions, men of most profound and perplexed eloquence ; 
who are the oracles of barbers' shops, market-places, and por- 
ter-houses ; and who you may see every day at the corners of the 
streets, taking honest men prisoners by the button, and talking 
their ribs quite bare without mercy and without end. These 
orators, in addressing an audience, generally mount a chair, a 
table, or an empty l)eer-barrel, which last is supposed to afford 
considerable inspiration, and thunder away their combustible 
sentiments at the heads of the audience, who are generally so 
busily employed in smoking, drinking, and hearing themselves 
'talk, that they seldom hear a word of the matter. This, how- 
ever, is of little moment ; for as they come there to agree at 
all events to a certain set of resolutions, or articles of war, it 
is not at all necessary to hear the speech ; more especially as 
ifew would understand it if they did. Do not suppose, how- 
ever, that the minor persons of the meeting are entirely idle. — 
Besides smoking and (h'inkiug, which are generally practised, 
there are few who do not come with as great a desire to talk as 
cne orator himself ; each has his little circle of listeners, in the 
midst of whom he sets his hat on one side of his head, and 
deals out matter-of-fact information ; and draws self-evident 
conclusions, with the pertinacity of a pedant, and to the great 
edification of his gaping auditors. Nay, the ver^' urchins from 
the nursery, who are scarcely emancipated from the dominion 
>of birch, on these occasions strut pygmy great men ; — bellow 
■for the instruction of gra^'-bearded ignorance, and, like the 
frog in the fable, endeavor to puff themselves up to the size 
of the great object of their emulation — the principal orator." 

" But is it not preposterous to a degree," cried 1 '' for those 
■pun}^ whipsters to attempt to lecture age and experience? They 
■should be sent to school to learn better." " Not at all," re- 
iplied my friend ; " for as an election is nothing more than a 
war of woids, the man that can wag his tongue with the 
greatest elasticity, whether he speaks to the purpose or not, 
is entitled to lecture at ward meetings and polls, and instruct 
all who are inclined to listen to him : you may have remarked 
a ward meeting of politic dogs, where although the great dog 
is, ostensibly, the leader, and makes the most noise, yet every 
little scoundrel of a cur has something to say ; and in propor- 
tion to his insignificance, fidgets, and worries, and puffs about 
mightily, in order to obtain the notice and approbation of his 
betters. Thus it is with these little, beardless, bread-and-but- 
ter politicians who, on this occasion, escape from the jurisdic- 



SALMAGUNDI. 131 

tion of their mammas to attend to the affairs of the nation. 
You will see them engaged in dreadful word}' contest with old 
cartnien, cobl)lers, and tailors, and plume themselves not a lit- 
tle if they should chance to gain a victory. — Aspiring spirits ! 
how interesting are the first dawnings of political greatness ! 
an election, my friend, is a nursery or hot-bed of genius in a 
logocracy ; and I look with enthusiasm on a troop of these 
Liliputian partisans, as so many chatterers, and orators, and 
puffers, and slaug-whangers in embryo, who will one day take 
an important part in the quarrels and wordy wars of their 
country. 

" As the time for fighting the decisive battle approaches, ap- 
pearances become more and more alarming ; committees are 
appointed, who hold little encampments from whence they 
send out small detachments of tattlers, to reconnoitre, harass, 
and skirmish with the enemy, and if possible, ascertain their 
numl)ers ; everybody seems big with the mighty event that is 
impending ; the orators they gradually swell up' beyond their 
usual size; the little orators they grow greater and greater; 
the secretaries of the ward committees strut about looking like 
wooden oracles ; the puffers put on the airs of might}' conse- 
quence ; the slang-whaugers deal out direful innuendoes, and 
threats of doughty import; and all is buzz, murmur, suspense, 
and sublimity ! 

''At length the day arrives. The storm that has been so 
long gathering, and threatening in distant thunders, bursts 
fortli in terrible explosion : all business is at an end ; the whole 
city is in a tumult ; the people are running helter-skelter, they 
know not whither, and they know not why ; the hackney 
coaches rattle through the streets with thundering vehemence, 
loaded with recruiting sergeants who have been prowling in 
cellars and caves, to unearth some miserable minion of poverty 
and ignorance, who will barter his vote for a glass of beer, or 
a ride in a coach with such fine gentlemen! — the buzzards of 
the party scamper from poll to poll, on foot or on horseback ; 
and they worry from committee to committee, and buzz, and 
fume, and talk big, and — do notJiiyig : like the vagabond 
drone, who wastes his time in the laborious idleness of see-saw- 
song, and busy nothingness." 

1 know not how long my friend would have continued his 
detail, had he not been interrupted by a squabble which took 
place between two old Continentals, as they were called. It 
seems they had entered into an argument on the respective 
merits of their cause, and not being able to make each other 



132 SALMA G UNDI. 

clearly understood, resorted to what is called knock-down 
arguments, which form the superlative degree of argumentum 
ad hominem; but are, in my opinion, extremeh' inconsistent 
with the true spirit of a genuine logocracy. After the}' had 
beaten each other soundly, and set the whole mob together by 
the ears, they came to a full explanation ; when it was discov- 
ered that they were both of the same way of thinking ; — 
whereupon they shook each other heartily by the hand, and 
laughed with great glee at their humorous misunderstanding. 

I could not help being struck witli the exceeding great num- 
ber of ragged, dirty-looking persons that swaggered about the 
place and seemed to think themselves the bashaws of the land. 
I inquired of my friend, if these people were employed to drive 
away the hogs, the dogs, and other intruders that might thrust 
themselves in and interrupt the ceremony? ''By no means," 
replied he; "these are the representatives of the sovereign 
people, who come here to make governors, senators, and mem- 
bers of assembly, and are the source of all power and authority 
in this nation. " " Preposterous ! " said I, '" how is it possible 
that such men can be capable of distinguishing between an 
honest man and a knave ; or even if they were, will it not 
always happen that they are led by the nose by some intrig- 
uing demagogue, aud made the mere tools of ambitious political 
jugglers? Surely it would be better to trust to providence, or 
even to chance, for governors, than resort to the discriminating 
powers of an ignorant mob. — I plainly perceive the consequence. 
A man who possesses superior talents, and that honest pride 
which ever accompanies this possession, will always be sacri- 
ficed to some creeping insect who will prostitute himself to 
familiarity with the lowest of mankind : aud, like the idolatrous 
Egyptian, worship the wallowing tenants of filth and mire." 

'• All this is true enough," replied my friend, " but after all^ 
you cannot say but that this is a free country, and that the 
people can get drunk cheaper here, particularly at elections, 
than in the despotic countries of the east." I could not, with 
any degree of propriety or truth, deny this last assertion ; foi 
just at that moment a patriotic brewer arrived with a load of 
beer, which, for a moment, occasioned a cessation of argu- 
ment. The great crowd of buzzards, puffers, and " old Con- 
tinentals " of all parties, who throng to the polls, to persuade, 
to cheat, or to force the freeholders into the right way, and to 
maintain the freedom of suffrage, seemed for a moment to for 
get their antipathies and joined, heartily, in a copious libation 
of this patriotic aud argumentative beverage. 



SALMAGUNDI. 133 

These beer-barrels indeed seem to be most able logicians, 
well stored with that kind of sound argument best suited to 
the comprehension, and most relished by the mob, or sovereign 
people ; who are never so tractable as when operated upon by 
this convincing liquor, which, in fact, seems to be imbued with 
the very spirit of a logocraey. No sooner does it begin its 
operation, than the tongue waxes exceeding valorous, and 
becomes impatient for some mighty conflict. The puffer puts 
himself at the head of his body-guard of buzzards, and his 
legion of ragamuffins, and woe then to every unhappy adver- 
sary who is uninspired by the deity of the beer-barrel — he is 
sure to be talked and argued into complete insignificance. 

While I was making these observations, I was surprised to 
observe a bashaw, high in office, shaking a fellow by the hand, 
that looked rather more ragged than a scare-crow, and inquir- 
ing with apparent solicitude concerning the health of his family ; 
after which he slipped a little folded paper into his hand, and 
turned awaj'. I could not help applauding his humilit}^ in 
shaking the fellow's hand, and his benevolence in relieving his 
distresses, for I imagined the paper contained something for 
the poor man's necessities ; and truly he seemed verging 
towards the last stage of starvation. My friend, however, 
soon undeceived me by saying that this was an elector, and 
that the bashaw had merely given him the list of candidates 
for whom he was to vote. " Ho ! ho ! " said I, " then he is a 
particular friend of the bashaw?" " By no means," replied 
my friend, "• the bashaw will pass him without notice the day 
after the election, except, perhaps, just to drive over him with 
his coach." 

My friend then proceeded to inform me that for some time 
before, and during the continuance of an election, there was a 
most delectable courtship, or intrigue, carried on between the 
great bashaws and the mother mob. That mother mob gener- 
all}' preferred the attentions of the rabble, or of fellows of her 
own stamp ; but would sometimes condescend to be treated to a 
feasting, or any thing of that kind, at the bashaw's expense; 
nay, sometimes when she was in good humor, she would con- 
descend to toy with them in her rough way : — but woe be to the 
Itashaw who attempted to be familiar with her, for she was 
the most pestilent, cross, crabbed, scolding, thieving, scratching, 
topping, wrong-headed, rebellious, and abominable termagant 
that ever was let loose in the world, to the confusion of honest 
gentlemen bashaws. 

Just then a fellow came round and distributed among the 



134 SALMAGUNDI. 

crowd a number of handbills, written by the ghost of Washing- 
ton, the fame of whose illustrious actions, and still more illus- 
trious virtues, has reached even the remotest regions of the 
east, and who is venerated by this people as the Father of his 
country. On reading this paltry paper, I could not restrain my 
indignation. '' Insulted hero," cried I, " is it thus thy name 
is profaned, thy memory disgraced, thy spirit drawn down from 
heaven to administer to the brutal violence of party rage ! — It 
is thus the necromancers of the east, by their infernal incanta- 
tions, sometimes call up the shades of the just, to give their 
sanction to frauds, to lies, and to every species of enormity." 
My friend smiled at my warmth, and observed, that raising 
ghosts, and not only raising them, but making them speak, was 
one of the miracles of elections. " And believe me," continued 
he, " there is good reason for the ashes of departed heroes be- 
ing disturbed on these occasions, for such is the sandy founda- 
tion of our government, that there never happens an election 
of an alderman, or a collector, or even a constable, but we are in 
imminent danger of losing our liberties, and becoming a prov- 
ince of France, or tributary to the British islands." " By the 
hump of Mahomet's camel," said I, " but this is only another 
striking example of the prodigious great scale on which every 
thing is transacted in this country ! " 

By this lime, I had become tired of the scene ; my head 
ached with the uproar of voices, mingling in all the discordant 
tones of triumphant exclamation, nonsensical argument, intem- 
perate reproach, and drunken absurdity. — The confusion was 
such as no language can adequately describe, and it seemed as 
if all the restraints of decency, and all the bands of law, had 
been broken, and given place to the wide ravages of licentious 
brutalit}'. These, thought I, are the orgies of liberty ! these 
are the manifestations of the spirit of independence ! these are 
the symbols of man's sovereignty ! Head of Mahomet ! with 
what a fatal and inexorable despotism do empty names and ideal 
phantoms exercise their dominion over the human mind ! The 
experience of ages has demonstrated, that in all nations, bar- 
barous or enlightened, the mass of the people, the mob, must 
be slaves, or they will be tyrants ; but their tyranny will not be 
long : — some ambitious leader, having at first condescended to 
be their slave, will at length become their master ; and in pro- 
portion to the vileness of his former servitude, will be the sever- 
ity of his subsequent tyranny. — Yet, with innumerable examples 
staring them in the face, the people still bawl out liberty ; by 
which they mean nothing but freedom from every species of 



SA LMA G UNDl. 135 

legal restraint, and a warrant for all kinds of licentiousness : 
and the bashaws and leaders, in courting the mob, convince 
them of their power ; and by administering to their passions, 
for the purposes of ambition, at length learn, by fatal experi- 
ence, that he who worships the beast that carries him on his 
back, will sooner or later be thrown into the dust and trampled 
under foot l)y the animal who has learnt the secret of its power 
by this very adoration. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

MINE UNCLE JOHN. 

To those whose habits of abstraction may have led them into 
some of the secrets of their own minds, and whose freedom 
from daily toil has left them at leisure to analyze their feelings, 
it will be nothing new to say that the present is peculiarly tlie 
season of remembrance. The flowers, the zephyrs, and the 
warblers of spring, returning after their tedious absence, bring 
naturally to our recollection past times and buried feelings ; 
and the whispers of the full-foliaged grove, fall on the ear of 
contemplation, like the sweet tones of far distant friends whom 
the rude jostlers of the world have severed from us and cast far 
beyond our reach. It is at such times, that casting backward 
many a lingering look we recall, with a kind of sweet-souled 
melancholy, the days of our 3'outh, and the jocund companions 
who started with us the race of life, but parted midway in the 
journey to pursue some winding path that allured them with a 
prospect more seducing — and never returned to us again. It 
is then, too, if we have been afflicted with any heavy sorrow, 
if we have even lost — and who has not! — an old friend, or 
chosen companion, that his shade will hover around us ; the 
memory of his virtues press on the heart ; and a thousand en- 
dearing recollections, forgotten amidst the cold pleasures and 
midnight dissipations of winter, arise to our remembrance. 

These speculations bring to m^^ mind my uncle John, the 
history of whose loves, and disappointments, I have promised 
to the world. Though I must own myself much addicted to 
forgetting my promises, yet, as I have been so happily reminded 
of this, 1 believe I must pay it at once, " and there is an end.' 



136 SALMAGUNDI. 

Lest my readers — good-natured souls that they are ! — should, 
in the ardor of peeping into millstones, take my uncle for an 
old acquaintance, 1 here inform them, that the old gentleman 
died a great many years ago, and it is impossible they should 
ever have known him: — I pity them — for they would have 
known a good-natured, benevolent man, whose example mignt 
have been of service. 

The last time I saw my uncle John was fifteen years ago, 
when I paid him a visit at his old mansion. I found him reaa- 
iug a newspaper — for it was election time, and he was always 
a warm Federalist, and had made several converts to the true 
political faith in his time ; — particularly one old tenant, who 
alwaj's, just before the election, became a violent anti ; — in 
order that he might be convinced of his errors by my uncle, 
who never failed to reward his conviction by some substantial 
benefit. 

After we had settled the affairs of the nation, and I had paid 
my respects to the old family chronicles in the kitchen, — an 
indispensable ceremony, — the old gentleman exclaimed, with 
heartfelt glee, " Well, I suppose you are for a trout-fishing; — 
I have got every thing prepared; — but first you must take a 
walk with me to see my improvements." I was obliged to con- 
sent ; though I knew my uncle would lead me a most villanous 
dance, and in all probability treat me to a quagmire, or a tum- 
ble into a ditch. If my readers choose to accompany me in this 
expedition, they are welcome ; if not, let them stay at home 
like lazy fellows — and sleep — or be hanged. 

Though I had been absent several years, yet there was very 
little alteration in the scenery, and every object retained the 
same features it bore when I was a schoolboy : for it was iu 
this spot that I grew up in tlie fear of ghosts, and in the break- 
ing of many of the ten commandments. The brook, or river 
as the}^ would call it in Europe, still murmured with its wonted 
sweetness through the meadow ; and its banks were still tufted 
with dwarf willows, that bent down to the surface. The same 
echo inhabited the valley, and the same tender air of repose 
pervaded the whole scene. Even my good uncle was but little 
altered, except that his hair was grown a little grayer, and his 
forehead had lost some of its former smoothness. He had. 
however, lost nothing of his former activity, and laughed 
heartily at the diflflculty I found in keeping up with him as he 
stumped tlirongh bushes, and briers, and hedges ; talking all 
the time about his improvements, and telling what he would do 
with such a spot of ground and such a tree. At length, after 



SALMAGUNDI. 137 

showing me his stone fences, his famous two-year-old bull, 
his new invented cart, which was to go before the horse, and his 
Eclipse colt, he was pleased to return home to dinner. 

After dinner and returning thanks, — which with him was 
not a ceremou}' merely, but an offering from the heart, — my 
uncle opened his trunk, took out his fishing-tackle, and, with- 
out saying a word, sallied forth with some of those truly alarm- 
ing steps which Daddy Neptune once took when he was in a 
great hurry to attend to the affair of the siege of Tro}'. Trout- 
tishing was my uncle's favorite sport ; and, though I always 
caught two fish to his one, he never would acknowledge my 
superiority ; but puzzled himself often and often to account for 
such a singular phenomenon. 

Following the current of the brook for a mile or two, we re- 
traced many of our old haunts, and told a hundred adventures 
which had befallen us at different times. It was like snatching 
the hour-glass of time, inverting it, and rolling back again the 
sands that had marked the lapse of years. At length tlie shad- 
ows began to lengthen, the south- wind gradually settled into a 
perfect calm, the sun threw his rays through the trees on the 
hilltops in golden lustre, and a kind of Sabbath stillness per- 
vaded the whole valley, indicating that the hour Avas fast ap- 
proaching which was to relieve for a while the farmer from 
his rural labor, the ox from his toil, the school-urchin from his 
primer, and bring the loving ploughman home to the feet of 
his blooming dairymaid. 

As we were watching in silence the last ra3-s of the sun, beam- 
ing their farewell radiance on the high hills at a distance, my 
uncle exclaimed, in a kind of half-desponding tone, while he 
rested his arm over an old tree that had fallen — "I know not 
how it is, my dear Launce, but such an evening, and such a 
still quiet scene as this, always make me a little sad ; and it is, 
at such a time, I am most apt to look forward with regret to 
the period when this farm, on which *•' I have been young, but 
now am old," and every object around me that is endeared by 
long acquaintance, — when all these and I must shake hands 
and part. I have no fear of death, for my life has afforded 
but little temptation to wickedness ; and when I die, I hope to 
leave behind me more substantial proofs of virtue than will be 
found in my epitaph, and more lasting memorials than churches 
built or hospitals endowed ; with wealth wn'ung from the hard 
hand of poverty by an unfeeling landlord or unprincipled knave ; 
— but still, when I pass such a day as this and contemplate 
such a scene, I cannot help feeling a latent wish to linger yet a 



138 SALMAGUNDI. 

little longer in this peaceful asj'lum ; to enjoy a little more sun- 
shine in this world, and to liave a few more iishing-matches with 
ni}' boy." As he ended he raised his hand a little from the 
fallen tree, and dropping it languidly by his side, turned him- 
self towards home. The sentiment, the look, the action, all 
seemed to be prophetic. And so they were, for when I shook 
him by the hand and bade him farewell the next morning — it 
was for tlie last time ! 

He died a bachelor, at the age of sixty-three, though he had 
been all his life trying to get married ; and always thought him- 
self OD the point of accomplishiug his wishes. His disappoint- 
ments were not owing either to the deformity of his mind or 
person ; for in his youtli he was reckoned handsome, and I ray- 
self can witness for him that he liad as kind a heart as ever was 
fashioned by heaven ; neither were they owing to his poverty, — 
which sometimes stands in an honest man's way ; — for he was 
born to the inheritance of a small estate which was suflicient to 
establish his claim to the title of '' one well-to-do in the world." 
The truth is, my uncle had a prodigious antii)athy to doing 
things in a hurry. — ''A man should consider," said he to me 
once — " that he can always get a wife, but cannot always get 
rid of her. For my part," continued he, "I am a young fel- 
low, with the world before me," — he was but about forty ! — 
*•' and am resolved to look sharp, weigh matters well, and know 
what's what, before I marry : — in short, Launce, / don't intend 
to do the thing in a hurry., depend upon it." On this whim- 
wham, he proceeded: he began with young girls and ended 
with widows. The girls he courted until they grew old maids, 
or married out of pure appreliension of incurring certain pen- 
alties hereafter ; and the widows not having quite as much 
patience, generally, at the end of a 3'ear, while the good man 
thought himself in the high road to success, married some harum- 
scarmn young fellow, who had not such an antipathy to doing 
things in a harry. 

]NIy uncle would have inevitably sunk under these repeated 
disa^jpoiutments — for he did not want sensibility — had he not 
hit upon a discovery which set all to rights at once. He con- 
soled his vanity, — for he was a little vain, and soothed his 
pride, which was his master- passion, — by telling his friends 
very significantly, while his eye would flash triumph, " that he 
might have had her." — Those who know how much of the bit- 
terness of disappointed affection arises from wounded vanity 
and exasperated pride, will give my uncle credit for this dis- 
covery. 



SALMAGUNDI. 139 

My uncle had been told by a prodigious number of married 
men, and had read io au innumerable quantity of l)ooks, that 
a man could not possibly be happy except in the married state ; 
so he determined at an early age to marry, that he might not 
lose his onl}' chance for happiness. He accordingly forthwith 
paid his addresses to the daughter of a neighboring gentleman 
farmer, who was reclvoned the beauty of the whole world ; a 
phrase by which the honest country people mean nothing more 
than the circle of their acquaintance, or that territory of land 
which is within sight of the smoke of their own hamlet. 

This young lady, in addition to her beauty, was highly ac- 
complished, for she had spent Ave or six months at a boarding- 
school in town ; wdiere she learned to work pictures in satin, aiid 
paint sheep that might be mistaken for wolves ; to hold up her 
head, sit straight in her chair, and to think every species of 
useful acquirement beneath her attention. When she returned 
home, so completely had she forgotten every thing she knew 
before, that on seing one of the maids milking a cow, she asked 
her father, with an air of most enchanting ignorance, " what 
that odd-looking thing was doing to that queer animal? " The 
old man shook his head at this ; but the mother was delighted 
at these symptoms of gentility, and so enamoured of her daugh- 
ter's accomplishments that she actually got framed a picture 
worked in satin b}^ the young lad3\ It represented the Tomb 
Scene in Romeo and Juliet. Romeo was dressed in an orange- 
colored cloak, fastened round his neck with a large golden 
clasp ; a white satin tamboured waistcoat, leather breeches, blue 
silk stockings, and white topped boots. The amiable Juliet 
shone in a flame-colored gown, most gorgeously bespangled with 
silver stars, a high-crowned muslin cap that reached to the top 
of the tomb; — on her feet she wore a pair of short-quartered, 
high-heeled shoes, and her waist was the exact facsimile of au 
inverted sugar-loaf. The head of the " noble county Paris " 
looked like a chimney-sweeper's brush that had lost its handle ; 
and the cloak of the good Friar hung about him as gracefully as 
the armor of a rhinoceros. The good lady considered this pic- 
ture as a splendid proof of her daughter's accomplishments, 
and hung it up in the best parlor, as an honest tradesman does 
his certificate of admission into that enlightened body yclepi 
the Mechanic Society. 

With this accomplished young lady then did my uncle John 
become deeply enamoured, and as it was his first love, he de- 
termined to bestir himself in an extraordinary manner. Once 
at least in a fortnight, and generally on a Sunday evening, he 



140 SALMAGUNDI. 

would put on his leather breeches, for he was a great beau, 
mount his gray horse I'epper, and ride over to see Miss Pamela, 
thougli she lived upwards of a mile off, and he was obliged to 
pass close by a churcliyard, which at least a hundred creditable 
persons would swear was haunted ! — Miss Pamela could not 
be insensible to such proofs of attachment, and accordingly 
received him with considerable kindness ; her mother always left 
the room when he came, and my uncle had as good as made a 
declaration, l)y saying one evening, very significantly, " that 
he believed that he should soon change his condition ; " when, 
some how or other, he began to think he was doing tilings in 
too great a hurry ^ and that it was high time to consider ; so he 
considered near a month about it, and there is no saying how 
much longer he might have spun the thread of his doubts had 
he not been roused from this state of indecision by the news 
that his mistress had married an attorney's apprentice whom 
she had seen the Sunday before at church ; where he had ex- 
cited the a[)plause of the whole congregation b}' the invincible 
gravit}^ with which he listened to a Dutch sermon. The young 
people in the neighborhood laughed a good deal at m}^ uncle on 
the occasion, but he only shrugged his shoulders, looked mys- 
terious, and replied, " Tat boys! I might have had her.'' 

NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Our publisher, who is busily engaged in printing a celebrated work, which is perhaps 
more generally read in this citj" than any other book, not excepting the Bible; — I mean 
the New York Directory — has begged so hard that we will not overwhelm him with too 
much of a good thing, that we have, with Langstaff' s approbation, cut short the residue 
of uncle John's amours. In all probability it will be given in a future number, when- 
ever Launcelot is in the humor for it — he is such an odd — but, mum — for fear of an- 
other suspeu»oa. 



SALMA G UNDI. 141 



NO. XII. -SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Some men delight in the study of plants, in the dissection of 
a leaf, or the contour and complexion of a tulip ; — others are 
charmed with the beauties of the feathered race, or the varied 
hues of the insect tribe. A naturalist will spend hours in the 
fatiguing i)ursuit of a butterfly, and a man of the ton will waste 
whole years in the chase of a fine lady. I feel a respect for 
their avocations, for my own are somewhat similar. I love to 
open the great volume of human character: — to me the exam- 
ination of a beau is more interesting than that of a Daffodil or 
Narcissus ; and I feel a thousand times more pleasure in catch- 
ing a new view of human nature, than in kidnapping the most 
gorgeous butterfly, — even an Emperor of Morocco himself ! 

In my present situation I have ample room for the indulgence 
of this taste ; for, perhaps, there is not a house in this city 
more fertile in subjects for the anatomist of human character, 
than my cousin Cockloft's. Honest Christopher, as I have 
before mentioned, is one of those hearty old cavaliers who pride 
themselves upon keeping up the good, honest, unceremonious 
hospitality of old times. — He is never so happy as when he 
has drawn about him a knot of sterling-hearted associates, and 
sits at the head of his table dispensing a warm, cheering wel- 
come to all. His countenance expands at every glass and 
beams forth emanations of hilarity, benevolence, and good-fel- 
lowship, that inspire and gladden every guest around him. It 
is no wonder, therefore, that such excellent social qualities 
should attract a host of friends and guests ; in fact, my cousin 
is almost overwhelmed with them ; and they all, uniformly, pro- 
nounce old Cockloft to be one of the finest old fellows in the 
world. His wine also always comes m for a good share of their 
approbation ; nor do they forget to do honor to Mrs. Cockloft's 
cookery, pronouncing it to be modelled after the most approved 
recipes of Heliogabulus and Mrs. Glasse. The variety of com- 
pany thus attracted is particularly pleasing to me ; for, being 



142 ' SALMAGUNDI. 

considered a privileged person in tlie famil3', I can sit in a 
corner, indulge in my favorite amusement of observation, and 
retreat to my elbow-chair, like a bee to bis hive, whenever I 
have collected sufficient food for meditation. 

Will Wizard is particularly efficient in adding to the stock of 
originals which frequent our house : for he is one of the most 
inveterate hunters of oddities I ever knew ; and his first care, 
on making a new acquaintance, is to gallant him to old Cock- 
loft's, where he never fails to receive the freedom of the house 
in a pinch from his gold box. Will has, without exception, 
the queerest, most eccentric, and indescribable set of intimates 
that ever man possessed ; how he became acquainted with them 
I cannot conceive, except by supposing there is a secret attrac- 
tion or unintelligible sj'mpathy that unconsciously draws to- 
gether oddities of every soil. 

Will's great crony for some time was Tom Straddle, to whom 
he really took a great liking. Straddle had just arrived in an 
importation of hardware, fresh from the city of Birmingham, 
or rather, as the most learned English would call it, Brnmina- 
gem, so famous for its manufactories of gimlets, penknives, 
and pepper-boxes ; and where they make buttons and beaux 
enough to inundate our whole country. He was a young man 
of considerable standing in the manufactory at Birmingham, 
sometimes had the honor to hand his master's daughter into a 
tim-whiskey, was the oracle of the tavern he frequented on Sun- 
days, and could beat all his associates, if you would take his 
word for it, in boxing, beer-drinking, jumping over chairs, and 
imitating cats in a gutter and opera singers. Straddle was, 
moreover, a member of a Catch-club, and was a great hand at 
ringing bob-majors ; he was, of course, a complete connoisseur 
of music, and entitled to assume that character at all perform- 
ances in the art. He was likewise a member of a Spouting- 
club, had seen a company of strolling actors perform in a barn, 
and had even, like Abel Drugger, "enacted" the part of Major 
Sturgeon with considerable applause ; he was consequently a 
profound critic, and fully authorized to turn up his nose at any 
American performances. — He had twice partaken of annual 
dinners, given to the head manufacturers of Birmingham, where 
he had the good fortune to get a taste of turtle and turbot ; and 
a smack of Champagne and Burgundy ; and he had heard a 
vast deal of the roast beef of Old England ; he was therefore 

epicure sufficient to d n every dish, and every glass of wine, 

he tasted in America ; though at the same time he was as vora- 
cious an animal as ever crossed the Atlantic. Straddle had 



SALMAGUNDI. 143 

been splashed half a dozen times by the carnages of nobility, 
and had once the superlative felicity of being kicked out of 
doors by the footman of a noble Duke ; he could, therefore, 
talk of nobility and despise the untitled plebeians of America. 
In short. Straddle was one of those dapper, bustling, florid, 
round, self-unportant '' gemmen '' who bounce upon us, half 
beau, half button-maker; undertake to give us the true polish 
of the hon-toii, and endeavor to inspire us with a proper and 
dignilied contempt of our native country. 

Straddle was quite in raptures when his employers determined 
to send him to America as an agent. He considered himself 
as going among a nation of barbarians, where he would be 
received as a prodigy ; he anticipated, with a proud satisfaction, 
the bustle and confusion his arrival would occasion ; the crowd 
that would throng to gaze at him as he passed through the 
streets ; and had little doubt but that he should occasion as 
much curiosily as an Indian-chief or a Turk in the streets of 
Birmingham. He had heard of the beauty of our women, and 
chuckled at the thought of how completely he should eclipse 
their unpolished beaux, and the number of despairing lovers 
that would mourn the hour of his arrival. I am even informed 
by Will Wizard that he put good store of beads, spike-nails, 
and looking-glasses in his trunk to win the affections of the 
fair ones as the}^ paddled about in their bark canoes ; — the rea- 
son Will gave for this error of Straddle's, respecting our ladies, 
was, that he had read in Guthrie's Geography that the abo- 
rigines of America were all savages, and not exactly under- 
standing the word aborigines, he applied to one of his fellow 
apprentices, who assured him that it was the Latin word for 
inhabitants. 

Wizard used to tell another anecdote of Straddle, which 
always put him in a passion : Will swore that the captain of 
the ship told him, that when Straddle heard they were off the 
banks of Newfoundland, he insisted upon going on shore there 
to gather some good caljbages, of which he was excessively 
fond ; Straddle, however, denied all this, and declared it to be 
a mischievous quiz of Will Wizard ; who indeed often made 
himself merr}' at his expense. However this may be, certain 
it is, he kept his tailor and shoemaker constantly eraploj^ed for 
a month before his departure ; equipped himself with a smart 
crooked stick about eighteen inches long, a pair of breeches of 
most unheard-of length, a little short pair of Hoby's white- 
topped boots, that seemed to stand on tip-toe to reach his 
breeches, and his hat had the true transatlantic declination 



144 SALMAGUNDI. 

towards 5»is right ear. The fact was, nor did lie make any se- 
cret of it — he was determined to '■'•astonish the natives a few!" 

Straddle was not a little disappointed on his arrival, to find 
the Americans were rather more civilized than he had imagined ; 
— he was suffered to walk to his lodgings unmolested by a 
crowd, and even unnoticed by a single individual ; — no love- 
letters came pouring in upon him ; no rivals lay in wait to 
assasinate him ; his very dress excited no attention, for there 
were many fools dressed eqnallj- ridiculously with himself. 
This was mortifying indeed to an aspiring youth, who had come 
out with the idea of astonishing and captivating. lie was 
equally unfortunate in his pretensions to the character of critic, 
connoisseur, and boxer ; he condemned our whole dramatic 
corps, and every thing appertaining to the theatre ; but his crit- 
ical abilities were ridiculed — he found fault with old Cockloft's 
dinner, not even sparing his wine, and was never invited to the 
house afterwards ; — he scoured the streets at night, and was 
cudgelled by a sturdy watchman ; — he hoaxed an honest me- 
chanic, and was soundly kicked. Thus disappointed in all his 
attempts at notoriety. Straddle hit on the expedient which was 
resorted to by the Giblets — he determined to take the town by 
storm. — He accordingly bought horses and equipages, and 
forthwith made a furious dash at style in a gig and tandem. 

As Straddle's finances were but limited, it may easily be sup- 
posed that his fashionable career infringed a little upon his con- 
signment, which was indeed the case, for, to use a true cockney 
phrase, Brummagem suffered. But this was a circumstance that 
made little impression upon Straddle, who was now a lad of 
spirit, and lads of spirit always despise the sordid cares of 
keeping another man's mone5^ Suspecting this circumstance, 
I never could witness any of his exhibitions of style, without 
some whimsical association of ideas. Did he give an entertain- 
ment to a host of guzzling friends, I immediately fancied them 
gormandizing heartily at the expense of poor Birmingham, and 
swallowing a consignment of handsaws and razors. Did I 
behold him dashing through Broadway in his gig, I saw him, "• in 
ni}' mind's eye," driving tandem on a nest of tea-boards; nor 
could I ever contemplate his cockney exhibitions of horseman- 
ship, but my mischievous imagination would picture him spur- 
ring a cask of hardware like ros}' Bacchus bestriding a beer 
barrel, or the little gentleman who bestraddles the world in the 
front of Hutching's almanac. 

Straddle was equally successful with the Giblets, as may well 
be supposed ; for though pedestrian merit may strive in vain 



SALMAGUNDI. 145 

to become fashionable in Gotham, yet a candidate in n,n equi- 
paoe is always recognized, and like Philip's ass, laden with gold, 
will gain admittance everywhere. Mounted in his curricle or his 
gig, Uie candidate is like a statue elevated on a liigh pedestal ; 
his merits are discernil)le from afar, and strike the dullest op- 
tics. Oh! Gotham, Gotham! most enlightened of cities! — 
how does my heart swell with delight when I behold your sapient 
inhabitants lavishing their attention with such wonderful dis- 
cernment ! 

Thus Straddle became quite a man of ton, and was caressed, 
and courted, and invited to dinners and balls. Wiiatever was 
absurd and ridiculous in him before, was now declared to be the 
style. He criticised our theatre, and was listened to with rever- 
ence. He pronounced our musical entertainments barbarous ; 
and the judgment of Apollo himself would not have been more 
decisive. He abused our dinners ; and the god of eating, if 
there be any such deity, seemed to speak through his organs. 
He became at once a man of taste, for he put his malediction on 
every thing ; and his arguments were conclusive, for ne sup- 
ported every assertion with a bet. He was likewise pronounced, 
by the learned in the fashionable world, a young man of great 
research and deep observation ; for he had sent home, as nat- 
ural curiosities, an ear of Indian corn, a pair of moccasons, a 
belt of wampum, and a four-leaved clover. He had taken great 
pains to enrich this curious collection with an Indian, and a cat- 
aract, l)ut without success. In fine, the people talked of Strad- 
dle and his equipage, and Straddle talked of his horses, until it 
was impossible for the most critical observer to pronounce, 
whether Straddle or his horses were most admired, or whether 
Straddle admired himself or his horses most. 

Straddle was now in the zenith of his glory. He swaggered 
about parlors and drawing-rooms with the same unceremonious 
confidence he used to display in the taverns at Birmingham. 
He accosted a lady as he would a barmaid, and this was pro- 
nounced a certain proof that he had been used to better company 
in Birmingham. He became the great man of all the taverns 
between New York and Harlem, and no one stood a chance of 
being accommodated, until Straddle and his horses were pei- 

fectly satisfied. He d d the landlords and waiters, with the 

best air in the world, and accosted them with the true gentleman- 
ly familiarity. He staggered from the dinner table to the play, 
entered the box like a tempest, and staid long enough to be 
bored to death, and to bore all those who had the misfortune 
to be near him. From thence he dashed off to a ball, time 



146 SALMAGUNDI. 

enough to flounder through a cotillon, tear half a dozen 
gowns, commit a number of other depredations, and make the 
whole company sensible of his infinite condescension in coming 
amongst them. The people of Gotham thought him a pro- 
digious fine fellow ; the young bucks cultivated his acquaintance 
with the most persevering assiduity, and his retainers were 
sometimes complimented with a seat in his curricle, or a ride 
on one of his fine horses. The belles were delighted with the 
attentions of such a fashionable gentleman, and struck with as- 
tonishment at his learned distinctions between wrought scissors 
and those of cast-steel ; together with his profound disserta- 
tions on buttons and horse-flesh. The rich merchants courted 
his acquaintance because he was an Englishman, and their 
wives treated him with great deference, because he had come 
from beyond seas. I cannot help here observing, that 3'our 
salt water is a marvellous great sharpener of men's wits, and I 
intend to recommend it to some of my acquaintances in a par- 
ticular essay. 

Straddle continued his brilliant career for only a short time. 
His prosperous journey over the turnpike of fashion was 
checked by some of those stumbling-blocks in the way of aspir- 
ing youth, called creditors — or duns ; — a race of people, who, 
as a celebrated writer observes, " are hated by gods and men." 
Consignment slackened, whispers of distant suspicion floated 
in the dark, and those pests of societ}-, the tailors and shoe- 
makers, rose in rebellion against Straddle. In vain were all 
his remonstrances, in vain did he prove to them that though 
he had given them no mone}', yet he had given them more 
custom, and as many promises, as any 3'oung man in the city. 
They were inflexible, and the signal of danger being given, 
a host of other prosecutors pounced upon his back. Straddle 
saw there was but one way for it ; he determined to do the 
thing genteelly, to go to smash like a hero, and dashed into 
the limits in high style, being the fifteenth gentleman I have 
known to drive tandem to the — ne plus ultra — the d 1. 

Unfortunate Straddle ! may thy fate be a warning to all 
young gentlemen who come out from Birmingham to astonish 
the natives ! — I should never have taken the trouble to deline- 
ate his character had he not been a genuine cockney, and 
worthy to be the representative of his numerous tribe. Per- 
haps my simple countrymen may hereafter be able to distin- 
guish between the real English gentleman, and individuals of 
the cast I have heretofore spoken of, as mere mongrels, 
springing at one bound from contemptible obseurit}' at home, 



SALMAGUNDI. 147 

to daylight and splendor in this good-natured land. The true- 
born and true-bred English gentleman is a character I hold in 
great respect ; and I love to look back to the period when our 
forefathers flourished in the same generous soil, and hailed each 
other as brothers. But the cockney! — when I contemplate 
him as springing too from the same source, I feel ashamed of 
the relationship, and am tempted to deny my origin. In the 
character of Straddle is traced the complete outline of a true 
cockney, of English growth, and a descendant of that individ- 
ual facetious character mentioned by .Shakspeare, " who in pure 
kindness to his horse, buttered his hay," 



THE STRANGER AT HOME ; or, A TOUR IN BROAD- 
WAY. 

by jeremr cockloft, the younger. 

Preface. 

Your learned traveller begins his travels at the commence- 
ment of his journey ; others begin theirs at the end ; and a 
third class begin any how and any where, which I tliiuk is the 
true way. A late facetious writer begins what he calls " a pic- 
ture of New York," with a particular description of Glen's 
Falls, from whence with admirable dexterity he makes a digres- 
sion to the celelirated Mill Rock on Long Island ! Now this is 
what I like ; and I intend, in my present tour, to digress as 
often and as long as I please. If, therefore, I choose to make 
a hop, skip, and jump, to China, or New-Holland, or Terra 
Incognita, or Communipaw, I can produce a host of examples 
to justify me, even in books that have been praised by the 
English reviewers, whose Jlat being all that is necessary to 
give books a currency in this country, I am determined, as 
soon as I finish mj' edition of travels in seventy-five volumes, 
to transmit it forthwith to them for judgment. If these trans- 
atlantic censors praise it, I have no fear of its success in this 
country, where their approbation gives, like the tower stamp, 
a fictitious value, and makes tinsel aud wampum pass current 
for classic gold. 



148 SA LMA G UNDI. 

Chapter I. 

Battery — flagstaff kept by Louis Keaffee — KeaflFee main- 
tains two spyglasses by subscriptions — merchants pay two 
shillings a year to look through them at the signal poles on 
Staten-Island — a very pleasant prospect ; but not so pleasant 
as that from the hill of Howth — quere, ever been there? — • 
Young seniors go down to the flagstaff to buy peanuts and 
beer, after the fatigue of their morning studies, and sometimes 
to play at ball, or some other innocent amusement — digression 
to the Olympic, and Isthmian games, with a description of the 
Isthmus of Corinth, and that of Darien : to conclude with a dis- 
sertation on the Indian custom of offering a whiff of tobacco 
smoke to their great spirit, Areskou. — Return to the Battery — 
delightful place to indulge in the luxury of senthnent — How 
various are the mutations of this world ! but a few days, a few 
houis — at least not above two hundred years ago, and this 
spot was inhabited by a race of aborigines, who dwelt in bark 
huts, lived upon oysters and Indian corn, danced buffalo 
dances, and were lords " of the fowl and the brute " — but the 
spirit of time and the spirit of brandy have swept them from 
their ancient inheritance ; and as the white wave of the ocean, 
by its ever toiling assiduity, gains on the brown land, so the 
white man, by slow and sure degrees, has gained on the brown 
savage, and dispossessed him of the land of his forefathers. — 
Conjectures on the first peopling of America — different opin- 
ions on that subject, to the amount of near one hundred — 
opinion of Agustine Torniel — that they are the descendants 
of Shem and Japheth, who came by the way of Japan to 
America — Juffridius Petri says they came from Friezeland, 
mem. cold journey. — Mons. Charron says they are descended 
from the Gauls — bitter enough. — A. Milius, from the Celtffi 
— Kircher, from the Egyptians — L'Compte, from the Pheni- 
cians — Lescarbot, from the Canaanites, alias the Anthro- 
pophagi — Brerewood from the Tartars — Grotius, from the Nor- 
wegians — and Linkura Fidelius has written two folio volumes 
to prove that America was first of all peopled either by the 
Antipodeans or the Cornish miners, who, he maintains, might 
easily have made a subterraneous passage to this country, par- 
ticularly the antipodeans, who, he asserts, can get along under 
ground as fast as moles — Quei'e, which of these is in the right, 
or are the}' all wrong? — For my part, I don't see why America 
had not as good a right to be peopled at first, as any little con- 
temptible country in Europe, or Asia, and I am determined to 



SALMA G UNDI. 149 

write a book at ray first leisure, to prove that Noah was born 
here — and that so far is America from being indebted to any 
other countrj- tor inhabitants, that they were every one of them 
peopled by colonies from her ! — mem. Battery a very pleasant 
place to walk on a Sunday evening — not quite genteel though 

— everybody walks there, and a pleasure, however genuine, is 
spoiled by general participation — the fashionable ladies of 
New York turn up their noses if you ask them to walk on the 
Battery on Sunda\' — quere, have they scruples of conscience, 
or scruples of delicacy ? — neither — they have only scruples of 
gentility, which are quite different things. 

Chapter II. 

Custom-house — origin of duties on merchandise — this place 
much frequented by merchants — and why? — different classes 
of merchants — importers — a kind of nobility — wholesale mer- 
chants — have the privilege of going to the city assembly ! — 
Retail traders cannot go to the assembly. — Some curious spec- 
ulations on the vast distinction betwixt selling tape by the 
piece or by the yard. — Wholesale merchants look down upon 
the retailers, who in return look down upon the green-grocers, 
who look down upon the market women, who don't care a 
straw about any of them. — Origin of the distinctions of rank 

— Dr. Johnson once horribly puzzled to settle the point of pre- 
cedence between a louse and a flea — good hint enough to 
humble, purse-proud arrogance. — Custom-house partly used as 
a lodging-house for the pictures belonging to the Academy of 
Arts — couldn't afford the statues house-room, most of them 
in the cellar of the City-hall — poor place for the gods and 
goddesses — after Olympus. — Pensive reflections on the ups 
and downs o\.' life — Apollo, and the rest of the set, used to cut 
a great figure in days of yore. — Mem. every dog has his day 

— sorry for Venus, though, poor wench, to be cooped up in a 
cellar with not a single grace to wait on her ! — Eulogy on the 
gentlemen of the Academy of Arts, for the great spirit with 
which they began the undertaking, and the perseverance with 
which they have pursued it. — It is a pity, however, they began 
at the wrong end — maxim — If you want a bird and a cage, 
always buy the cage first — hem ! a word to the wise ? 



150 SALMAGUNDI. 

Chapter III. 

Bowltng-Green — fine place for pasturing cows — a perqui- 
site of the late corporation — formerly ornamented with a 
statue of George the 3d — people pulled it down in the war to 
make bullets — great pity, as it might have been given to the 
Academy — it would have become a cellar as well as any other. 

— Broadway — great difference in the gentility of streets — a 
man who resides in Pearl Street or Chatham Row, derives no kind 
of dignity from his domicil ; but place him in a certain part of 
Broadway, anywhere between the Battery and Wall Street, and 
he straightway becomes entitled to figure in the beau monde, 
and strut as a person of prodigious consequence! — Quere, 
whether there is a degree of purity in the air of that quarter 
which changes the gross particles of vulgarity into gems of re- 
finement and polish? — A question to be asked, but not to be 
answered — Wall Street — City Hall, famous place for catch- 
poles, deputy-sheriffs, and young lawyers ; which last attend 
the courts, not because the}' have business there, but because 
they have no business anywhere else. My blood always cur- 
dles when I see a catch-pole, they being a species of vermin, 
who feed and fatten on the common wretchedness of mankind, 
who trade in misery, and in becoming the executioners of the 
law, by their oppression and villany, almost counterbalance 
all the benefits which are derived from its salutary regulations 

— Story of Quevedo about a catch-pole possessed by a devil, 
who, on being interrogated, declared that he did not come 
there voluntarily, but by compulsion ; and that a decent devil 
would never, of his own free will, enter into the body of a 
catch-pole ; instead, therefore, of doing him the injustice to say 
that here was catch-pole be-devilled, they should say, it was a 
devil be-catch-poled ; that being in reality the truth — Wonder 
what has become of the old crier of the court, who used to make 
more noise in preserving silence than the audience did in 
breaking it — if a man happened to drop his cane, the old hero 
would sing out '•'• Silence ! " in a voice that emulated the *•' wide- 
mouthed thunder" — On inquiring, found he had retired from 
business to enjoy o^mm cum dignitate, as many a great man had 
done before — Strange that wise men, as they are thought, 
should toil through a whole existence merely to enjoy a few 
moments of leisure at last ! — why don't they begin to be easy 
at first, and not purchase a moment's pleasure with an age of 
pain ? — mem. posed some of the jockeys — eh ! 



SALMAGUNDI. 151 

Chapter IV. 

Barber's pole ; three different orders of shavers m New 
York — those who shave p/f/s; N.B. — freshmen and sopho- 
mores, — those who cut beards, and those who shave notes of 
hand ; the last are the most respectable, because, in the course 
of a year, they make more money, and that honestly, than the 
whole corps of other shavers can do in half a century ; besides, 
it would puzzle a common barber to ruin any man, except by 
cutting his throat ; whereas your higher order of shavei's, your 
true blood-suckers of the community, seated snugly behind the 
curtain, in watch for prey, live on the vitals of the unfortunate, 
aud grow rich on the ruins of thousands. — Yet this last class 
of barbers are held in high respect in the world ; they never 
offend against the decencies of life, go often to church, look 
down on honest poverty walking on foot, and call themselves 
gentlemen ; yea, men of honor ! — Lottery offices — another set 
of capital shavers? — licensed gambling houses ! — good things 
enough though, as they enable a few honest, industrious gentle- 
men to humbug the people — according to law; — besides, if 
the people will be such fools, whose fault is it but their own 
if they get bit f — Messrs. Faff — beg pardon for putting them in 
bad company, because they are a couple of fine fellows — mem. 
to recommend Michael's antique snuff-box to all amateurs 
in the art. — Eagle singing Yankee-doodle — N.B. — Buffon, 
Penant, and the rest of the naturalists, all naturals not to know 
the eagle was a singing bird ; Linkum Fidelius knew better, 
and gives a long description of a bald eagle that serenaded him 
once in Canada ; — digression ; particular account of the Canadian 
Indians; — story about Areskou learning to make fishing-nets 
of a spider — don't believe it though, because, according to 
Linkum, and many other learned authorities, Areskou is the 
same as 3Iars, being derived from his Greek name of Ares; 
and if so, he knew well enough wliat a net was without consult- 
ing a spider — story of Arachne being changed into a spider as 
a reward for having hanged herself ; — derivation of the word 
spinster from spider ; — Colophon, now Altobosco, the birthplace 
of Arachne, remarkable for a famous breed of spiders to this 
day; — mem. — nothing like a little scholarship — make the 
ignoramus, viz., the majority of my readers, stare like wild 
pigeons; — return to New York a short cut — meet a dashing 
belle, in a little thick white veil — tried to get a peep at her 
face — saw she squinted a little — thought so at first; — never 
saw a face covered with a veil that was worth lookino; at ; — 



152 SALMAGUNDI. 

saw some ladies holding a conversation across the street about 
going to church next Sunday — talked so loud the}' frightened 
a cartman's horse, who ran away, and overset a basket of gin- 
gerbread with a little boy under it ; — mem. — I don't much see 
the use of speaking-trumpets now-a-days. 

Chapter V. 

Bought a pair of gloves ; dry-goods stores the genuine schools 
of politeness — true Parisian manners there — got a pair of 
gloves and a pistareen's worth of bows for a dollar — dog cheap ! 
— Courtlandt .Street corner — famous place to see the belles go 
by — quere, ever been shopping with a lady? — some account 
of it — ladies go into all the shops in the city to buy a pair of 
gloves — good way of spending time, if they have nothing else 
to do. — Oswego-market — looks very much lika a triumphal 
arch — some account of the manner of erecting them in ancient 
times ; — digression to the a?x7i-duke Charles, and some account 
of the ancient Germans. — N.B. — quote Tacitus on this sub- 
ject. — Particular description of market-baskets, butcher's 
blocks, and wheelbarrows ; — mem. queer things run upon one 
wheel! — Saw a cartman driving full-tilt through Broadway — 
ran over a child — good enough for it — what business had it 
to be in the way? — Hint concerning the laws against pigs, 
goats, dogs, and cartmen — grand apostrophe to the sublime 
science of jurisprudence ; — comparison between legislators and 
tinkers ; quere, whether it requires greater ability to mend a law 
than to mend a kettle? — inquiry into the utility of making laws 
that are broken a hundred times a day with impunity; — my 
lord Coke's opinion on the subject; — my lord a very great 
man — so was Lord Bacon : good story about a criminal named 
Hog claiming relationship with him. — Hogg's porter-house ; — 
great haunt of Will Wizard ; Will put down there one night by 
a sea-captain, in an argument concerning the era of the Cliinese 
empire Wangpo ; — Hogg's capital place for hearing the same 
stories, the same jokes, and the same songs every night in the 
year — mem. except Sunday nights; fine school for young 
politicians too — some of the longest and thickest heads in the 
city come there to settle the nation. — Scheme of Ichabod Fun- 
gus to restore the balance of Europe ; — digression ; — some 
account of the balance of Europe ; comparison between it and 
a pair of scales, with the Emperor Alexander in one and the 
Emperor Napoleon in the other : fine fellows — both of a weiglit, 
can't tell which will kick the beam: — mem. don't care much 



SALMAGUNDI. 153 

either — nothing to me — Ichahod very unhappy nbout it — ■ 
thinks Napoleon has an eye on this country — capital place to 
pasture his horses, and provide for the rest of liis family: — 
Dey Stree*: — ancient Dutch name of it, signifying murderers' 
valley, formei'ly the site of a great peach orchard ; my grand- 
mother's histor}' of the famous Peach war — arose from an In- 
dian stealing peaches out of this orchard ; good cause as need 
be for a war ; just as good as the balance of power. Anec- 
dote of a war between two Italian states about a bucket ; 
introduce some capital new truisms about the folly of mankind, 
the ambition of kings, potentates, and princes ; particularly 
Alexander, Caesar, Charles the Xllth, Napoleon, little King 
Pepin, and the great Charlemagne. — Conclude with an exhor- 
tation to the present race of sovereigns to keep the king's peace 
and abstain from all those deadly quarrels which produce battle, 
murder, and sudden death : mem. ran my nose against a lamp- 
post — conclude in great dudgeon. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Our cousin Pindar, after having been confined for some time 
past with a fit of the gout, which is a kind of keepsake in our 
family, has again set his mill going, as my readers will perceive. 
On reading his piece I could not help smiling at the high com- 
pliments which, contrary to his usual style, he has lavished on 
the dear sex. The old gentleman, unfortunately observing my 
merriment, stumped out of the room with great vociferation of 
crutch, and has not exchanged three words with me since. I 
expect every hour to hear that he has packed up his movables, 
and, as usual in all cases of disgust, retreated to his old country 
house. 

Pindar, like most of the old Cockloft heroes, is wonderfully 
susceptible to the genial influence of warm weather. In win- 
ter he is one of the most crusty old bachelors under heaven, 
and is wickedly addicted to sarcastic reflections of every kind ; 
particularly on the little enchanting foibles and whim-whams 
of women. But when the spring comes on, and the mild influ- 
ence of the sun releases nature from her icy fetters, the ice of 
his bosom dissolves into a gentle current which reflects the 
bewitching qualities of the fair ; as in some mild clear evening, 
when nature reposes in silence, the stream bears in its pure 



154 SALMAGUNDI. 

bosom all the starry magnificeuce of heaven. It is under the 
control of this influence he has written his piece ; and I beg 
the ladies, in the plenitude of their harmless conceit, not to 
flatter themselves that because the good Pindar has suffered 
them to escape his censures he iiad nothing more to censure. 
It is but sunshine and zephyrs which have wrouglit this won- 
derful change ; and I am much mistaken if the first north- 
easter don't convert all his good nature into most exquisite 
spleen. 



FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

How often I cast my reflections behind. 
And call up the days of past youth to my mind, 
When folly assails in habiliments new. 
When fashion obtrudes some fresh whim-wham to view ; 
When the foplings of fashion bedazzle my sight, 
Bewilder my feelings — my senses beniglit ; 
I retreat in disgust from the world of to-day, 
To commune with the world that has moulder'd away ; 
To converse with the shades of those friends of my love, 
Long gather'd in peace to the angels above. 

In my rambles through life should I meet with annoy, 
From the bold beardless stripling — the turbid pert boy. 
One rear'd in the mode lately reckon 'd genteel, 
Which neglecting the head, aims to perfect the heel ; 
Which completes the sweet fopling while yet in his teens, 
And fits him for fashion's light changeable scenes ; 
Proclaims him a man to the near and the far, 
Can he dance a cotillon or smoke a cigar ; 
And though brainless and vapid as vapid can be, 
To routs and to parties pronounces him free : — 
Oh, I think on the beaux that existed of yore. 
On those rules of the ton that exist now no more ! 

I recall with delight how each yonker at first 
In the cradle of science and virtue was nursed : 
— How the graces of person and graces of mind, 
The polish of learning and fashion combined, 
Till softened in manners and strengthened in head, 
By the classical lore of the living and dead, 
Matured in his person till manly in size. 
He then was presented a beau to our eyes ! 



SALMAGUNDI. 155 

My nieces of late have made frequent complaint 
That they suffer vexation and painful constraint 
By having their circles too often distrest 
By some three or four goslings just fledged from the nest, 
Who propp'd b}' the credit their fathers sustain, 
Alil<e tender in years and in person and brain, 
But plenteously stock'd with that substitute, brass, 
For true wits and critics would anxiously pass. 
They complain of that empty sarcastical slang, 
So common to all the coxcombical gang, 
Who the fair with their shallow experience vex. 
By thrumming forever their weakness of sex ; 
And who boast of themselves, when they talk with proud air 
Of Man's mental ascendancy over the fair. 

'Twas thus the young owlet produced in the nest, 
Where the eagle of Jove her young eaglets had prest, 
Pretended to boast of his royal descent, 
And vaunted that force wliich to eagles is lent. 
Though fated to shun with his dim visual ray. 
The cheering delights and the brilliance of clay ; 
To forsake the fair regions of ether and light, 
For dull moping caverns of darkness and night : 
.Still talk'd of that eagle-like strength of the eye, 
Which approaches unwinking the pride of the sky, 
Of that wing which unwearied can hover and play 
In the noon-tide effulgence and torrent of day. 

Dear girls, the sad evils of which ye complain, 
Your sex must endure from the feeble and vain, 
'Tis the common-place jest of the nursery scape-goat, 
'Tis the common-place ballad that croaks from his throat: 
He knows not that nature — that polish decrees. 
That women should always endeavor to please. 
That the law of their system has early imprest 
The importance of fitting themselves to each guest ; 
And, of course, that full oft when ye trifle and play, 
'Tis to gratify triflers who strut in your way. 
The child might as well of its mother complain. 
As wanting true wisdom and soundness of brain : 
Because that, at times, while it hangs on her breast. 
She with " lulla-by-baby " beguiles it to rest. 
'Tis its weakness of mind that induces the strain. 
For wisdom to infants is prattled in vain. 

'Tis true at odd times, when in frolicsome fit. 
In the midst of his gambols, the mischievous wit 



156 SALMAGUNDI. 

May start some light foible that clings to the fair 
Like cobwebs that fasten to objects most rare, — 
In the play of his fancy will sportively say 
Some delicate censure that pops in his way, 
He may smile at your fashions, and frankly express 
His dislike of a dance, or a flaming red dress ; 
Yet he blames not your want of man's physical force, 
Nor complains though ye cannot in Latin discourse. 
He delights in the language of nature ye speak, 
Though not so refined as true classical Greek. 
He remembers that Providence never design'd 
Our females like suns to bewilder and blind ; 
But like the mild orb of pale ev'ning serene, 
Whose radiance illumines, 3'et softens the scene, 
To light us with cheering and welcoming ray. 
Along the rude path when the sun is away. 

I own in my scribblings I lately have nam'd 
Some faults of our fair which I gently have blam'd, 
But be it forever by all understood 
My censures were only pronounc'd for their good. 
I delight in the sex, 'tis the pride of my mind 
To consider them gentle, endearing, refin'd ; 
As our solace below in the journey of life. 
To smooth its rough passes ; — to soften its strife : 
As objects intended our joys to supply. 
And to lead us iu love to the temples on high. 
How oft have I felt, when two lucid blue eyes, 
As calm and as bright as the gems of the skies, 
Have beam'd their soft radiance into my soul, 
Impress'd with an awe like an angel's control! 

Yes, fair ones, b}' this is forever defin'd 
The fop from the man of refinement and mind ; 
The latter believes ye in bounty were given 
As a bond upon earth of our union with heaven: 
And if ye are weak, and are frail, in his view, 
'Tis to call forth fresli warmth and his fondness renew. 
'Tis his joy to support these defects of your frame, 
And his love at your weakness redoubles its flame : 
He rejoices the gem is so rich and so fair. 
And is proud that it claims his protection and care. 



SALMAGUNDI. 157 



NO. XIII. -FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I WAS not a little perplexed, a short time since, by the eccen- 
tric conduct of my knowing coadjutor. Will Wizard, For two 
or three days, he was completely in a quandary. He would 
come into old Cockloft's parlor ten times a day, swinging his 
ponderous legs along with his usual vast strides, clap his hands 
into his sides, contemplate the little shepherdesses ou the man- 
tel-piece for a few minutes, whistling all the while, and then 
sally out full sweep, without uttering a word. To be sure 
a pish or a pshaw occasionally escaped him ; and he was ob- 
served once to pull out his enormous tobacco-box, drum for a 
moment upon its lid with his knuckles, and then return it into 
his pocket without taking a quid ; — 'twas evident Will was 
full of some mighty idea : — not that his restlessness was 
any way uncommon ; for I have often seen Will throw himself 
almost into a fever of heat and fatigue — doing nothing. But 
his inflexible taciturnity set the whole family, as usual a won- 
dering : as Will seldom enters the house without giving one of 
his " one thousand and one " stories. For my part, I began to 
think that the late fracas at Canton had alarmed Will for the 
safety of his friends Kinglun, Chinqua, and Consequa ; or, 
that something had gone wrong in the alterations of the theatre 
— or that some new outrage at Norfolk had put him in a worry ; 
in short, I did not know what to think ; for Will is such an uni- 
versal busy-body, and meddles so much in ever^' tiling going 
forward, that you might as well attempt to conjecture what is 
going on in the north star, as in his precious pericranium. 
Even Mrs. Cockloft, who, like a worthy woman as she is, sel- 
dom troubles herself about any thing in this world — saving the 
affairs of her household, and the correct deportment of her 
female friends — was struck with the mystery of Will's behav- 
ior. She happened, when he came in and went out the tenth 
time, to be busy darning the bottom of one of the old red damask 
chairs ; and notwithstanding this is to her an affair by vast im- 



158 SALMAGUNDI. 

portance, j^et she could not help turning round and exclaiming, 
" I wonder what can be the matter with Mr. Wizard ? " " Noth- 
ing," replied old Christopher, " only we shall have an eruption 
soon." The old lady did not understand a word of this, neither 
did she care ; she had expressed her wonder ; and that, with 
her, is always sufficient. 

I am so well acquainted with Will's peculiarities that I can 
tell, even by his whistle, when he is about an essay for our 
paper as certainly as a weather wiseacre knows that it is going 
to rain when he sees a pig run squeaking about vvith his nose 
in the wind. I, therefore, laid my account with receiving a 
communication from him before long; and sure enough, the 
evening before last I distinguished his free-mason knock at 
my door. I have seen many wise men in my time, philoso- 
phers, mathematicians, astronomers, politicians, editors and 
almanac makers ; but never did I see a man look half so wise 
as did my friend Wizard on entering the room. Had Lavater 
beheld him at that moment he would have set him down, to a 
certainty, as a fellow who had just discovered the longitude or 
the philosopher's stone 

Without saying a word, he handed me a roll of paper ; after 
which he lighted his cigar, sat down, crossed his legs, folded 
his arms, and elevating his nose to an angle of about forty-five 
degrees, began to smoke like a steam engine; — Will delights 
in the picturesque. On opening his budget, and perceiving the 
motto, it struck me that Will had brought me one of his con- 
founded Chinese manuscripts, and I was forthwith going to dis- 
miss it with indignation ; but accidentally seeing the name of 
our oracle, the sage Linkum, of whose inestimable folios we 
pride ourselves upon being the sole possessors, 1 began to think 
the better of it, and looked round to Will to express my appro- 
bation. 1 shall never forget the figure he cut at that moment. 
He had watched my countenance, on opening his manuscript, 
with the argus eyes of an author : and perceiving some tokens 
of disapprobation, began, according to custom, to puff awa}' 
at his cigar with such vigor that in a few minutes he had en- 
tirely involved himself in smoke : except his nose and one foot, 
which were just visible, the latter wagging with great velocity. 
1 believe I have hinted before — at least I ought to have done 
so — that Will's nose is a very goodly nose ; to which it may be 
as well to add, that in bis voyages under the tropics, it has ac- 
quired a copper complexion, which renders it very brilliant and 
luminous. You may imagine what a sumptuous appearance it 
nuide, projecting boldly, like the celebrated promontormm 



SALMAGUNDI. 159 

nasich'um at Samos with a light-house upon it, and surrounded 
on all sides with smoke and vapor. Had my gravity been like 
the Chinese philosopher's " within one degree of absolute frigid- 
ity," here would have been a trial for it. — I could not stand 
it, but burst into such a laugh as I do not indulge in above 
once in a hundred years; — this was too much for Will; he 
emerged from his cloud, threw his cigar into the fireplace, and 
strode out of the room, pulling up his breeches, muttering some- 
thing which, 1 verily believe, was nothing more than a horrible 
long Chinese malediction. 

He, however, left his manuscript behind him, which I now 
give to the world. Whether he is serious on the occasion, or 
only bantering, no one, I believe, can tell : for, whether in 
speaking or writing, there is such an invincible gravity in his 
demeanor and style, that even I, who have studied him as 
closely as an antiquarian studies an old manuscript or inscrip- 
tion, am frequently at a loss to know what the rogue would be 
at. I have seen him indulge in his favorite amusement of quiz- 
zing for hours together, without any one having the least 
suspicion of the matter, until he would sudden I3' twist his phiz 
into an expression that baffles all description, thrust his tongue 
in his cheek and blow up in a laugh almost as loud as the shout 
of the Romans on a certain occasion ; which honest Plutarch 
avers frightened several crows to such a degree that they fell 
down stone dead into the Campus Martins. Jeremy Cockloft 
the younger, who like a true modern philosopher delights in 
experiments that are of no kind of use, took the trouble to 
measure one of Will's risible explosions, and declared to me 
that, according to accurate measurement, it contained thirty 
feet square of solid laughter : — what will the professors say to 
this? 



PLANS FOR DEFENDING OUR HARBOR. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Long-tong teko buzz tor-pe-do 

Fudge • — Confucius. 

We'll blow the villains all sky high; 

But do it with econo my. — Link. Fid. 

Surely never was a town more subject to mid-summer fan- 
cies and dog-day whim-whams, than this most excellent of 
cities ; — our notions, like our diseases, seem all epidemic ; and 



160 SALMAGUNDI. 

no sooner does a new disorder or a new freak seize one indi- 
vidual but it is sure to run through all the eoniinunity. 
This is particularly the case when the summer is at the hottest, 
and everybody's head is in a vertigo and his brain in a fer- 
ment ; 'tis absolutely necessary then the poor souls should have 
some bubble to amuse themselves with, or they would certainly 
run mad. Last year the poplar worm made its appearance 
most fortunately for our citizens ; and everybody was so much 
in horror of being poisoned, and devoured ; and so busied in 
making humane experiments on cats and dogs, that we got 
through the summer quite comfortably ; — the cats had the 
worst of it; — evei'y mouser of them was shaved, and there was 
not a whisker to be seen in the whole sisterhood. This sum- 
mer ever3'body has had full employment in planning fortifica- 
tions for our harbor. Not a cobbler or tailor in the city but 
has left his awl and his thimble, become an engineer outright, 
and aspired most magnanimously to the building of forts and 
destruction of navies! — heavens! as my friend Mustapha 
would say, on what a great scale is every thing in this country ! 

Among the various plans that have been offered, the most 
conspicuous is one devised and exhibited, as I am informed, by 
that notable confederacy, the North River Society. 

Anxious to redeem their reputation from the foul suspicions 
that have for a long time overclouded it, these aquatic incendi- 
aries have come forward, at the present alarming juncture, and 
announced a most potent discovery which is to guarantee our 
port from the visits of any foreign marauders. The society 
have, it seems, invented a cunning machine, shrewdly yclep'd 
a Torpedo; by which the stoutest line-of-battle ship, even a 
Santissima Trimclacla, may be caught napping and decom- 
posed in a twinkling ; a kind of sub-marine powder-magazine 
to swim under water, like an aquatic mole, or water rat, and 
destroy the enemy in the moments of unsuspicious security. 

This straw tickled the noses of all our dignitaries wonder- 
fully ; for to do our government justice, it has no objection to 
injuring and exterminating its enemies in any manner — pro- 
vided the thing can be done economically. 

It was determined the experiment should be tried, and an 
old brig was purchased, for not more than twice its value, and 
delivered over into the hands of its tormentors, the North 
River Society, to be tortured, and battered, and annihilated, 
seaindum artem. A day was appointed for the occasion, when 
all the good citizens of the wonder-loving city of Gotham were 
invited to the blowing up ; like the fat innkeeper in Rabelais, 



SA LMA G UNDI. 161 

who recinosted all his customers to come on a certain da}' and 
see him burst. 

As I have almost as great a veneration as the good Mr. "Wal- 
ter Shandy for all kinds of experiments that are ingeniously 
ridiculous, I made very particular mention of the one in ques- 
tion, at the tal)le of my friend Christopher Cockloft ; but it put 
the honest old gentleman in a violent passion. He condemned it 
in toto, as an attempt to introduce a dastardly and exterminating 
mode of warfare. "Already have we proceeded far enough," 
said he, " in the science of destruction ; war is already invested 
with sufficient horrors and calamities, let us not increase the 
catalogue ; let us not by these deadly artifices provoke a system 
of insidious and indiscriminate hostility, that shall terminate in 
laying our cities desolate, and exposing our women, our children, 
and our infirm to the sword of pitiless recrimination." Honest 
old cavalier ! — it was evident he did not reason as a true poli- 
tician, — but he felt as a Christian and philanthropist ; and tliat 
was, perhaps, just as well. 

It may be readily supposed, that our citizens did not refuse 
the invitation of the society to the blow-up ; it was the first 
naval action ever exhibited in our port, and the good people all 
crowded to see tlie British navy blow up in effigy. The 3'omig 
ladies were delighted with the novelty of the show, and de- 
clared that if war could be conducted in this manner, it would 
become a fashionable amusement ; and the destruction of a 
fleet be as pleasant as a ball or a tea-party. The old folk were 
equally pleased with the spectacle, — because it cost them noth- 
ing. Dear souls, how hard was it they should be disappointed ! 
the brig most obstinately refused to be decomposed ; the din- 
ners grew cold, and the puddings were over-boiled, throughout 
the renowned city of Gotham : and its sapient inhabitants, like 
the honest Strasburghers, from Avhom most of them are doubt- 
less descended, who went out to see the courteous stranger and 
his nose, all returned home after having threatened to pull 
down the flagstaff by way of taking satisfaction for their dis- 
appointment. By the way, there is not an animal in the world 
more discriminating in its vengeance than a free-born mob. 

In the evening I repaired to friend Hogg's to smoke a socia- 
ble cigar, but had scarcely entered the room when I was taken 
prisoner by ni}' friend, Mr. Ichabod Fungus ; who, I soon saw 
was at his usual trade of prying into mill-stones. The old gen- 
tleman informed me, that the brig had actually blown up, after 
a world of manoeuvring, and had nearly blown up the society 
with it ; he seemed to entertain strong doubts as to the objects 



162 SALMAG UNDL 

of the societ}' in the invention of these infernal machines ; — 
hinted a suspicion of their wishing to set the river on fire, and 
that lie should not be surprised on waking one of these morn- 
ings to find the Hudson in a blaze. "• Not that I disapprove 
of the plan," said he, " provided it has the end in view which 
they profess ; no, no, an excellent plan of defence ; — no need 
of batteries, forts, frigates, and gunboats ; observe, sir, all 
that's necessar}' is that the ships must come to anchor in a con- 
venient place; — watch must be asleep, or so complacent as 
not to disturb any boats paddling about them — fair wind and 
tide — no moonlight — machines well-directed — musn't flash in 
the plan — bang's the word, and the vessel's blown up in a 
moment! " "Good," said I, "you remind me of a lubberly 
Chinese who was flogged by an honest captain of my acquaint- 
ance, and who, on being advised to retaliate, exclaimed — ' Hi 
yah I s'pose two men hold fast him captain, den very mush me 
bamboo he ! ' " 

The old gentleman grew a little crusty, and insisted that I 
did not understand him ; — all that was requisite to render the 
effect certain was, that the enemy should enter into the pro- 
ject ; or, in other words, be agreeable to the measure ; so that 
if the machine did not come to the ship, the ship should go to 
the machine ; by which means he thought the success of the 
machine would be inevitable — provided it struck fire. "But 
do not 3'ou think," said I, doubtingly, " that it would be rather 
difficult to persuade the enemy into such an agreement? — Some 
people have an invincible antipathy to being blown up." " Not 
at all, not at all," replied he, triumphantly ; "got an excellent 
notion for that ; — do with them as we have done with the brig ; 
buy all the vessels we mean to destroy, and blow 'em up as 
best suits our convenience. I have thought deeply on that 
subject and have calculated to a certainty, that if our funds 
hold out we may in this wa}' destroy the whole British navy — 
by contract." 

By this time all the quidnuncs of the room had gathered 
around us, each pregnant with some mighty scheme for the sal- 
vation of his country. — One pathetically lamented that we had 
no such men among us as the famous Toujoursdort and Grossi- 
tout ; who, when the celebrated captain Tranchemont made 
war against the city of Kalacahabalaba, utterly discomfited 
the great king Bigstaff , and blew up his whole army by sneez- 
ing. — Another imparted a sage idea, which seems to have 
occupied more heads than one ; that is, that the best way of 
fortifying the harbor was to ruin it at once ; choke the channel 



SALMAGUNDI. 163 

with rocks and blocks ; strew it with chevaux-de-f rises and tor- 
pedoes ; and make it like a nursery-garden, full of men-traps 
and spring-guns. No vessel would then have the temerity to 
enter our harbor ; we should not even *dare to navigate it our- 
selves. Or if no cheaper way could be devised, let Governor's 
Island be raised by levers and pulleys — floated with empty 
casks, etc., towed down to the Narrows, and dropped [)lump 
in the very mouth of the harbor ! — "■ But," said I, '' would not 
the prosecution of these whim-whams be rather expensive and 

dilatory ? " " Pshaw ! " cried the other — •" what's a million 

of money to an exi)eriment ; the true spirit of our economy 
requires that we should spare no expense in discovering the 
cheapest mode of defending ourselves ; and then if all these 
modes should fail, why, you know the worst we have to do is 
to return to the old-fashioned hum-drum mode of forts and 
batteries." "By which time," cried I, "the arrival of the 
enemy may have rendered their erection superfluous." 

A shrewd old gentleman, who stood listening by, with a mis- 
chievously equivocal look, observed that the most effectual 
mode of repulsing a fleet from our ports would be to admin- 
ister them a proclamation from time to time, till it operated. 

Unwilling to leave the company without demonstrating my 
patriotism and ingenuity, I communicated a plan of defence ; 
which, in truth, was suggested long since by that infallible 
oracle Mustapha, who had as clear a head for cobweb-weaving 
as ever dignified the shoulders of a projector. He thought the 
most effectual mode would be to assemble all the slang-ivhang- 
ers, great and small, from all parts of the state, and marshal 
them at the battery ; where they should be exposed, point 
blank, to the enemy, and form a tremendous body of scolding 
infantry ; similar to the poissards or doughty champions of 
Billingsgate. They should be exhorted to fire away, without 
pity or remorse, in sheets, half-sheets, columns, hand-bills, or 
squibs ; great canon, little canon, pica, German-text, stereotype, 
and to run their enemies through and through with sharp- 
pointed italics. They should have orders to show no quarter — 
to blaze away in their loudest epithets — " miscreants! " ^'•mur- 
derers .' " " barbarians / " " pirates ! " " robbers / " " Black- 
guards ! " and to do away all fear of consequences, they should 
be guaranteed from all dangers of pillory, kicking, cuflfing, nose- 
pulling, whipping-post, or prosecution for libels. If, continued 
Mustapha, you wish men to fight well and valiantly, they must 
be allowed those weapons they have been used to handle. Your 
countrymen are notoriously adroit in the management of the 



164 SALMAGUNDI. 

tongue and the pen, and conduct all their battles by speeches 
or newspapers. Adopt, therefore, the plan I have pointed out ; 
and rely upon it that let any fleet, however large, be but once 
assailed by this battery of slang-whangers, and if they have 
not entirely lost the sense of hearing, or a regard for their own 
characters and feelings, they will, at the very first fire, slip 
their cables and retreat with as much precipitation as if they 
had unwarily entered into the atmosphere of the Bohan upas. 
In this manner may your wars be conducted with proper econ- 
omy ; and it will cost no more to drive off a fleet than to write 
up a party, or write down a bashaw with three tails. 

The sly old gentleman, I have before mentioned, was highly 
delighted with this plan ; and proposed, as an improvement, 
that mortars should be placed on the battery, which, instead 
of throwing shells and such trifles, might be charged with 
newspapers, Tammany addresses, etc., by way of red-hot shot, 
which would undoubtedly be very potent in blowing up any 
powder-magazine they might chance to come in contact with. 
He concluded by informing the company, that in the course of 
a few evenings he would have the honor to present them with 
a scheme for loading certain vessels with newspapeis, resolu- 
tions of " numerous and respectable meetings," and other com- 
bustibles, which vessels were to be blown directly in the midst 
of the enemy by the bellows of the slang-whangers ; and he 
was much mistaken if they would not be more fatal than fire- 
ships, bomb-ketches, gunboats, or even torpedoes. 

These are but two or three specimens of the nature and eflS- 
cacy of the innumerable plans with which this city abounds. 
Everybody seems charged to the muzzle with gunpowder, — 
every eye flashes fireworks and torpedoes, and every corner is 
occupied by knots of inflammatory projectors ; not one of 
whom but has some preposterous mode of destruction which 
he has proved to be infallible by a previous experiment in a tub 
of water. 

Even Jeremy Cockloft has caught the infection, to the great 
annoyance of the inhabitants of Cockloft-hall, whither he re- 
tired to make his experiments undisturbed. At one time all 
the mirrors in the house were unhung, — their collected rays 
thrown into the hot-house, to try Archimedes' plan of burning 
glasses ; and the honest old gardener was almost knocked down 
by what he mistook for a stroke of the sun, but which turned 
out to be nothing more than a sudden attack of one of these 
tremendous jack-o'-lanterns. It became dangerous to walk 
through the court-yard for fear of an explosion ; and the whole 



SALMAGUNDI. 165 

family was thrown into absolute distress and consternation by 
a letter from the old housekeeper to Mrs. Cockloft ; informing 
her of his having blown up a favorite Chinese gander, which I 
had brought from Canton, as he was majestically sailing in the 
duck-pond. 

"In the multitude of counsellors there is safety; " — if so, 
the defenceless city of Gotham has nothing to apprehend; — 
but much do I fear tliat so many excellent and infallible pro- 
jects will be presented, that we shall be at a loss which to adopt ; 
and the peaceable inhabitants fare like a famous projector of 
my acquaintance, whose house was unfortunatel}^ plundered 
while he was contriving a patent lock to secure his door. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

A RETROSPECT; OR, "WHAT YOU WILL." 

Lolling in my elbow-chair this fine summer noon, I feel my- 
self insensibly yielding to that genial feeling of indolence the 
season is so well fitted to inspire. Every one who is blessed 
with a little of the delicious languor of disposition that delights 
in repose, must often have sported among the fairy scenes, 
the golden visions, the voluptuous reveries, that swim before the 
imagination at such moments, and which so much resemble 
those blissful sensations a Mussulman enjoys after his favorite 
indulgence of opium, which Will Wizard declares can be com- 
pared to nothing but "swimming in an ocean of peacocks' 
feathers." In such a mood, everybody must be insensible; it 
would be idle and unprofitable for a man to send his witsi 
a-gadding on a voyage of discover}' into futurity ; or even to 
trouble himself with a laborious investigation of what is actually 
passing under his eye. We are at such times more disposed to 
resort to the pleasures of memory than to those of the imagin- 
ation ; and, like the wayfaring traveller, reclining for a moment 
on his staff, had rather contemplate the ground we have trav- 
elled, than the region which is yet before us. 

I could here amuse myself and stultify my readers with a 
most elaborate and ingenious parallel between authors and 
travellers ; but in this balm}- season which makes men stupid 
and dogs mad, and when doubtless many of our most strenuous 
admirers have great difficulty in keeping awake through the 



1 Q6 SALMA G UNDL 

clay, it would be cruel to saddle them with the formidable diffi- 
culty of putting two ideas together and drawing a conclusion ; 
or in the learned phrase, forging syllogisms in Baroco : — a 
terrible undertaking for the dog-days ! to say the truth, my 
observations were only intended to prove that this, of all 
others, is the most auspicious moment, and my present the 
most favorable mood for indulging in a retrospect. Whether, 
like certain great personages of the day, in attempting to 
prove one thing, I have exposed another ; or whether, like cer- 
tain other great personages, in attempting to prove a great 
deal, I have proved nothing at all, I leave to my readers to 
decide ; provided they have the power and inclination so to do ; 
but a RETROSPECT wlll I take notwithstanding. 

I am perfectly aware that in doing this I shall lay myself 
open to the charge of imitation, than which a man might be 
better accused of downright house-breaking ; for it has been a 
standing rule with many of my illustrious predecessors, occa- 
sionally, and particularly at the conclusion of a volume, to look 
over their shoulder and chuckle at the miracles they had 
achieved. But as I before professed, I am determined to hold 
myself entirely independent of all manner of opinions and 
criticisms as the onl}' method of getting on in this world in any 
thing like a straight line. True it is, I may sometimes seem to 
augle a little for the good opinion of mankind by giving them 
some excellent reasons for doing unreasonable things ; but this 
is merely to show them, that although I may occasionally go 
wrong, it is not for want of knowing how to go right ; and here 
I will lay down a maxim, which will forever entitle me to the 
gratitude of my inexperienced readers, namely, that a man 
always gets more credit in the eyes of this naughty world for 
sinning wilfully, than for sinning through sheer ignorance. 

It will doubtless be insisted by many ingenious cavillers, 
who will be meddling with what does not at all concern them. 
that this retrospect should have been taken at the commence- 
ment of our second volume : it is usual, I know ; moreover, it is 
natural. So soon as a writer has once accomplished a volume, 
he forthwith becomes wonderfully increased in altitude ! he steps 
upon his book as upon a pedestal, and is elevated in proportion 
to its magnitude. A duodecimo makes him one inch taller ; an 
octavo, three inches, a quarto, six : — but he who has made out 
to swell a folio, looks down upon his fellow-creatures from such 
a fearful height that, ten to one, the poor man's head is turned 
forever afterwards. From such a lofty situation, therefore, it 
is natural an author should cast his eyes behind ; and having 



SALMAGUNDI. 167 

reached the fiist landing place on the stairs of immortality, 
may reasonably by allowed to plead his privilege to look back 
over the heiglit he has ascended. I liave deviated a little from 
this veneral)Ie custom, merely that our retrospect might fall 
in the dog-days — of all days in the year most congenial to the 
indulgence of a little self-sufficiency ; inasmuch as people have 
then little to do but to retire within the sphere of self, and make 
the most of what they find there. 

Let it not be supposed, however, that we think ourselves a 
whit the wiser or better since we have finished our volume 
than we were before ; on the contrary, we seriously assure our 
readers that we were fully possessed of all the wisdom and 
morality it contains at the moment we commenced writing. 
It is the world which has grown wiser, — not us ; we have thrown 
our mite into the common stock of knowledge, we have shared 
our morsel with the ignorant multitude ; and so far from elevat- 
ing ourselves above the world, our sole endeavor has been 
to raise the world to our own level, and make it as wise as we, 
its disinterested benefactors. 

To a moral writer like myself, who, next to his own comfort 
and entertainment, has the good of his fellow-citizens at heart, 
a retrospect is but a sorry amusement. Like the industrious 
husl)andmau, he often contemplates in silent disappointment 
his labors wasted on a barren soil, or the seeds he has carefully 
sown, choked by a redundancy of worthless weeds. I expected 
long ere this to have seen a complete reformation in manner 
and morals, achieved by our united elTorts. My fancy echoed to 
the applauding voices of a retrieved generation ; I anticipated, 
with proud satisfaction, the period, not far distant, when our 
work would be introduced into the academies with which every 
lane and alley of our city abounds ; when our precepts would 
be gently inducted into every unlucky urchin by force of 
birch, and ni}' iron-bound physiognomy, as taken by Will Wizard, 
be as notorious as that of Noah Webster, jun., P^sq., or his no 
less renowned predecessor, the illustrious Dilworth, of spelliug- 
book immortality. But, well-a-day ! to let my readers into a 
profound secret — the expectations of man are like the varied 
hues that tinge the distant prospect ; never to be realized, 
never to be enjoyed but in perspective. Luckless Launcelot, 
that the humblest of the many air castles thou hast erected 
should prove a " baseless fabric " ! Much does it giieve me to 
confess, that after all our lectures, and excellent admonitions, 
the people of New York are nearly as much given to back- 
sliding and ill-nature as ever ; they are just as much abanduued 



168 SALMAGUNDI. 

to dancing, and tea-drinking ; and as to scandal, "Will Wizard 
informs me that, by a rough computation, since the last cargo 
of gunpowder-tea from Canton, no less than eighteen characters 
have been blown up, besides a number of others that have been 
wofully shattered. 

The ladies still labor under the same scarcity of muslins, 
and delight in flesh-colored silk stockings ; it is evident, how- 
ever, that our advice has had very considerable effect on them, 
as the}' endeavor to act as opposite to it as possible ; this 
being what P^vergreen calls female independence. As to the 
Straddles, they abound as much as ever in Broadway, partic- 
ularly on Sundays ; and Wizard roundly asserts that he supped 
in company with a knot of them a few evenings since, when 
they liquidated a whole Birmingham consignment, in a batch of 
imperial champagne. I have, furthermore, in the course of a 
month past, detected no less than three Giblet families making 
their first onset towards style and gentility in the very manner 
we have heretofore reprobated. Nor have our utmost efforts 
been able to check the progress of that alarming epidemic, 
the rage for punning, which, tliough doubtless originally in- 
tended merely to ornament and enliven conversation b}' little 
sports of fancy, threatens to overrun and poison the whole, 
like tlie baneful ivy which destroys the useful plant it first 
embellished. Now I look upon an habitual punster as a 
depredator upon conversation ; and I have remarked some- 
times one of these offenders, sitting silent on the watch for 
an hour together until some luckless wight, unfortunately for 
the ease and quiet of the company, dropped a phrase suscepti- 
ble of a double meaning ; — when pop, our punster would 

dart out like a veteran mouser fiom her covert, seize the un- 
lucky word, and after worrying and mumbling at it until it 
was capable of no further marring, relapse again into silent 
watchfulness, and lie in wait for another opportunity. — Even 
this might be borne with, by the aid of a little philosophy ; but 
the worst of it is, they are not content to manufacture puns 
and laugh heartily at them themselves ; but they expect we 
should laugh with them; — which I consider as an intolerable 
hardship, and a flagrant imposition on good-nature. Let those 
gentlemen fritter away conversation with impunity, and deal 
out their wits in sixpenny bits if they please ; but I beg I may 
have the choice of refusing currency to their small change. I 
am seriously afraid, however, that our junto is not quite free 
from the infection ; nay. that it has even approached so near 
as to menace the tranquillity of my elbow-chair : for, Will 



SALMAGUNDI. 169 

Wizard, us we were in caucus the other night, absolutely elec- 
trified Pindar and myself with a most palpable and perplexing 
pun ; had it been a torpedo, it could not have more discomposed 
the fraternity. Sentence of banishment was unanimously de- 
creed ; but on his confessing that, like many celebrated wits, 
he was merely retailing other men's wares on commission, he 
was for that once forgiven on condition of refraining from 
such diabolical practices in future. Pindar is particularly out- 
rageous against punsters ; and quite astonished and put me to 
a nonplus a day or two since, by asking abruptly " whether I 
thought a punster could be a good Christian?" He followed 
up his question triumphantly by offering to prove, by sound 
logic and historical fact, that the Roman empire owed its 
decline and fall to a pun ; and that nothing tended so much to 
demoralize the French nation, as their abominable rage for 
jeux de mots. 

But what, above every thing else, has caused me much vex- 
ation of spirit, and displeased me most with this stiff-necked 
nation, is, that in spite of all the serious and profound censures 
of the sage Mustapha, in his various letters — they loill talk! — 
they will still wag their tongues, and chatter like very slang- 
whangers ! this is a degree of obstinacy incomprehensible in 
the extreme ; and is another proof how alarming is the force of 
habit, and how difficult it is to reduce beings, accustomed to 
talk, to that state of silence which is the very acme of human 
wisdom. 

We can only account for these disappointments in our mod- 
erate and reasonable expectations, by supposing the world so 
deeply sunk in the mire of delinquency, that not even Her- 
cules, were he to put his shoulder to the axletree, would be 
able to extricate it. We comfort ourselves, however, by the 
reflection that there are at least three good men left in this de- 
generate age to benefit the world by example should precept 
ultimately fail. And borrowing, for once, an example from, 
certain sleepy writers, who, after the first emotions of surprise 
in finding their invaluable effusions neglected or despised, con- 
sole themselves with the idea that 'tis a stupid age, and look 
forward to posterity for redress ; — we bequeath our volume to 
future generations, — and much good may it do them. Heaven 
grant they may be able to read it ! for, if our fashionable mode 
of education continues to improve, as of late, I am under 
serious apprehensions that the period is not far distant when 
the discipline of the dancing master will supersede that of the 
grammarian ; crotchets and quavers supplant the alphabet ; and 



170 SALMAGUNDI. 

the heels, by an antipodean mananivre, obtain entire pre-emi- 
nence over the iiead. How does my lieart 3'carn for poor dear 
posterity, when this work shall become as unintelligible to our 
grandchildren as it seems to be to their grandfathers and grand- 
mothers. 

In fact, for I love to be candid, we begin to suspect that 
many people read our numbers merely for their amusement, 
without paying an}' attention to the serious truths conveyed in 
every page. Unpardonable want of penetration ! not that we 
wish to restrict our readers in the article of laughing, which 
we consider as one of the dearest prerogatives of man, and the 
distinguishing characteristic which raises him above all other 
animals : let them laugh, therefore, if they will, provided they 
profit at the same time, and do not mistake our object. It is 
one of our indisputaljle facts that it is easier to laugh ten follies 
out of countenance than to coax, reason or flog a -man out of 
one. In this odd, singular, and indescribable age, which is 
neither the age of gold, silver, iron, l)rass, chivalry, or pills, as 
Sir John Carr asserts, a grave writer who attempts to attack 
folly with the heavy artillery of moral reasoning, will fare like 
Smollet's honest pedant, wiio clearly demonstrated by angles, 
etc., after the manner of Euclid, that it was wrong to do evil ; 
— and was laughed at for his pains. Take my word for it, a 
little well-applied ridicule, like Ilannibal's application of vinegar 
to rocks, will do more with certain hard lieads and obdurate 
hearts, than all the logic or demonstrations in Longinus or 
Euclid. But the people of Gotham, wise souls, are so much 
accustomed to see morality approach them clothed in formid- 
able wigs and sable garbs, "with leaden eye that loves the 
ground," that ihey can never recognize her when, drest in gay 
attire, she comes tripping towards them with smiles and sun- 
shine in her countenance. — Well, let the rogues remain in 
hapi)y ignorance, for " ignorance is bliss," as the poets say ; — 
and I put as imi)licit faith in poetry as I do in the almanac or 
in the newspaper; — we will improve them, without their being 
the wiser for it, and they shall become better in spite of their 
teeth, and without their having the least suspicion of the re- 
formation working within them. 

Among all our manifold grievances, however, still some small 
but vivid rays of sunshine occasionally brighten along our path ; 
cheering our steps, and inviting us to persevere. 

The public have paid some little regard to a few articles of 
our advice; — the}' have purchased our numbers freely; — so 
much the better for our publisher ; — they have read them at- 



SA LMA G UNDI. 171 

tentively ; — so much the better for themselves. The melan- 
choly fate of my dear aunt Charity has had a wonderful effect; 
and I have now before me a letter from a gentleman who lives 
opposite to a couple of old ladies, remarkable for the interest 
they took in his affairs ; — his apartments were absolutely in a 
state of blockade, and he was on the point of changino- his 
lodgiugs, or capitulating, until the appearance of our ninth 
number, which he immediately sent over with his compliments ; 

— the good ladies took the hint, and have scarcely appeared at 
their window since. As to the wooden gentlemen, our friend 
Miss .Sparkle assures me, they are wonderfully improved by 
our criticisms, and sometimes venture to make a remark, or 
attempt a pun in company, to the great edification of all who 
happen to understand them. As to red shawls, they are entirely 
discarded from tiie fair shoulders of our ladies — ever since the 
last importation of finery ; — nor has any lady, since the cold 
weather, ventured to expose her elbows to the admiring gaze of 
scrutinizing passengers. But there is one victory we have 
achieved which has given us more pleasure than to have written 
down the whole administration : I am assured, from unquestion- 
able authority, that our young ladies, doubtless in consequence 
of our weighty admonition, have not once indulged in that 
intoxicating, inflammatory, and whirligig dance, the waltz — ever 
since hot weather commenced. True it is, I understand, an 
attempt was made to exhibit it by some of the sable fair ones 
at the last African ball, but it was highly disapproved of by all 
the respectable eldei'ly ladies present. 

These are sweet sources of comfort to atone for the many 
wrongs and misrepresentations heaped upon us by the world ; 

— for even we have experienced its ill-nature. How often 
have we heard ourselves reproached for the insidious applica- 
tions of the uncharitable ! — how often have we been accused 
of emotions which never found an entrance into our bosoms ! — 
how often have our sportive effusions been wrested to serve 
the purposes of particular enmity and bitterness I — Meddle- 
some spirits! little do they know our disi)osition ; we "lack 
gall " to wound the feelings of a single innocent individual ; we 
can even forgive them from the very bottom of our souls ; may 
they meet as ready a forgiveness from their own consciences ! 
like true and independent bachelors, having no domestic cares 
to interfere with our general benevolence, we consider it in- 
cumbent upon us to watch over the welfare of society ; and 
although we are indebted to the world for little else than left- 
handed favors, yet we feel a proud satisfaction in requiting 



172 SALMAGUNDI. 

evil with good, and the sneer of illibernlity with the unfeigned 
smile of good humor. With these mingled motives of selfish- 
ness and philanthropy we commenced our work, and if we 
cannot solace ourselves with the consciousness of having done 
much good ! yet there is still one pleasing consolation left, 
which the world can neither give nor take away. There 
are moments, — lingering moments of listless indifference and 
heavy-hearted despondenc}', — when our best hopes and affec- 
tions slipping, as they sometimes will, from their hold on those 
objects to which they usually cling for support, seem aban- 
doned on the wide waste of cheerless existence, without a 
IDlace to cast anchor ; without a shore in view to excite a single 
wish, or to give a momentary interest to contemplation. We 
look back with delight upon many of these moments of mental 
gloom, whiled away by the cheerful exercise of our pen, and 
consider every such triumph over the spleen as retarding the 
furrowing hand of time in its insidious encroachments on our 
brows. If, in addition to our own amusements, we have, as 
we jogged carelessly laughing along, brushed away one tear of 
dejection and called forth a smile in its place — if we have 
brightened the pale countenance of a single child of sorrow — 
we shall feel almost as much joy and rejoicing as a slang- 
whanger does when he bathes his pen in the heart's blood of a 
patron and benefactor ; or sacrifices one more illustrious victim 
on the altar of party animosity. 



TO READERS AND CORRESPONDENTS. 

It is our misfortune to be frequently pestered, in our pere- 
grinations about this blessed city, by certain critical gad-flies ; 
who buzz around and merely attack the skin, without ever 
being able to penetrate the body. The reputation of our prom- 
ising protege Jeremy Cockloft the younger, has been assailed 
by these skin-deep critics ; the}^ have questioned his claims to 
originality, and even hinted that the ideas for his New Jersey 
Tour were borrowed from a late work entitled "•My Pocket- 
book." As there is no literary offence more despicable in the 
eyes of the trio than borrowing, we immediately called Jeremy 
to an account : when he proved, by the dedication of the work 
in question, that it was first published in London in March, 
1807 — and that his " Stranger in New Jersey" had made its 
appearance on the 24th of the preceding February. 



SALMAGUNDI. l'^3 

"We were on the point of acquitting Jeremy with honor on 
the ground that it was impossible, knowing as he is, to bor- 
row from a foreign work one month before it was in existence ; 
when Will Wizard suddenly took up the cudgels for the critics, 
and insisted that nothing was more probable ; for he recollected 
reading of an ingenious Dutch author who plainly convicted 

the ancients of stealing from his labors! so much for 

criticism. 



We have received a host of friendly and admonitory letters 
from different quarters, and among the rest a very loving 
epistle from Georgetown, Columbia, signed Teddy M'Gundy, 
who addresses us by the name of Saul M'Gundy, and insists 
that we are descended from the same Irish progenitors, and 
nearly related. As friend Teddy seems to be an honest, merry 
rogue, we are sorry that we cannot admit his claims to kin- 
dred ; we thank him, however, for his good-will, and should 
he ever be inclined to favor us with another epistle, we will 
hint to him, and, at the same time, to our other numerous cor- 
respondents, that their communications will be infinitely more 
acceptable, if they will just recollect Tom Shuffletou's advice, 
" pay the post-boy, Muggins." 



174 SALMA G UNDI. 



NO. XIV. -SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1807. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Health and joy to the friend of my heart ! — May the angel 
of peace ever watch over thy dwelling, and the star of pros- 
perity shed its benignant kistre on all thy undertakings. Far 
other is the lot of thy captive friend ; — his brighest hopes 
extend but to a lengthened period of weary captivit}', and 
memory only adds to the measure of his griefs, by holding up 
a mirror which reflects with redoubled charms the hours of 
past felicity. In midnight slumbers my soul holds sweet con- 
verse with the tender objects of its affections ; — it is then the 
exile is restored to his country ; — it is then the wide waste of 
waters that rolls between us disappears, and I clasp to my 
bosom the companion of my j^outh ;• I awake and find it is but 
a vision of the night. The sigh will rise, — the tear of dejection 
will steal down my cheek: — I fly to my pen, and strive to 
forget myself, and my sorrows, in conversing with my friend. 

In such a situation, m}' good Asem, it cannot be expected 
that I should be able so wholly to abstract myself from my 
own feelings, as to give thee a full and systematic account of 
the singular people among whom my disastrous lot has been 
cast. I can only find leisure, from my own individual sorrows, 
to entertain thee occasionally with some of the most prominent 
features of their character ; and now and then a solitary picture 
of their most preposterous eccentricities. 

T have before observed, that among the distinguishing char- 
acteristics of the people of this logocracy, is their invincible 
love of talking; and, that I could compare the nation to noth- 
ing but a mighty wind-mill. Thou art doubtless at a loss to 
conceive how this mill is supplied with grist ; or, in other 
words, how it is possible to furnish subjects to supply the 
perpetual motion of so many tongues. 



SALMAGUNDI. 175 

The genius of the nation appears in its highest lustre in this 
particular in the discovery, or rather the application, of a sub- 
ject which seems to supply au inexhaustible mine of words. 
It is nothing more, m}- friend, than politics ; a word which, I 
declare to thee, has perplexed me almost as much as the re- 
doubtable one of economy. On consulting a dictionary of this 
language, I found it denoted the science of government ; and 
the relations, situations, and dispositions of states and empires. 
— Good, thought I, for a people who boast of governing them- 
selves there could not be a more important subject of investi- 
gation. I therefore listened attentively, expecting to hear 
from " the most enlightened people under the sun," for so they 
modestly term themselves, sublime disputations on the science 
of legislation and precepts of political wisdom that would not 
have disgraced our great prophet and legislator himself ! — 
but, alas, Asem ! how continually are my expectations disap- 
pointed ! how dignified a meaning does this word bear in the 
dictionary ; — how despicable its common application ; I find it 
extending to every contemptible discussion of local animosity, 
and every petty altercation of insignificant individuals. It 
embraces, alike, all manner of concerns ; from the organization 
of a divan, the election of a bashaw, or the levying of an army, 
to the appointment of a constable, the personal disputes of two 
miserable slang-whangers, the cleaning of the streets, or the 
economy of a dirt-cart. A couple of politicians will quarrel, 
with the most vociferous pertinacity, alDout the character of a 
bum-bailiff whom nobody cares for ; or the deportment of a 
little great man whom nobody knows ; — and this is called talk- 
ing politics ; nay ! it is but a few days since that I was annoyed 
by a debate between two of my fellow-lodgers, who were mag- 
nanimously employed in condemning a luckless wight to in- 
famy, because he chose to wear a red coat, and to entertain 
certain erroneous opinions some thirty 3'ears ago. Shocked at 
their illiberal and vindictive spirit, I rebuked them for thus 
indulging in slander and uneharitableness, about the color of 
a coat ; which had doubtless for many years been worn out ; 
or the belief in errors, which, in all probabilit}', had been long 
since atoned for and abandoned ; but they justified themselves 
by alleging that they were only engaged in politics, and exert- 
ing that liberty of speech, and freedom of discussion, which 
was the glory and safeguard of their national independence. 
'' Oh, Mahomet ! " thought I, " what a country must that be, 
which builds its political safety on ruined characters and the 
persecution of individuals!" 



176 SALMAGUNDI. 

Into what transports of surprise and incredulity am T contin- 
ually betrayed, as the character of this eccentric people gradu- 
ally developes itself to my observations. P^very new research 
increases the perplexities in which I am involved, and I am 
more than ever at a loss where to place them in the scale of my 
estimation. It is thus tlie philosopher, in pursuing truth througli 
the labyrinth of doubt, error, and misrepresentation, frequently 
finds himself bewildered in the mazes of contradictory experi- 
ence ; and almost wishes he could quietly retrace his wandering 
steps, steal back into the path of honest ignorance, and jog on 
once more in contented indifference. 

How fertile in these contradictions is this extensive logoc- 
racy ! Men of different nations, manners, and languages live 
in this country in the most perfect harmony ; and nothing is 
more common than to see individuals, whose respective gov- 
ernments are at variance, taking each other by the hand and 
exchanging the offices of friendship. Nay, even on the subject 
of religion, which, as it affects our dearest interests, our earliest 
opinions and prejudices, some warmth and heart-burnings might 
be excused, which, even in our enlightened country, is so fruit- 
ful in difference between man and mr.n ! — even religion occa- 
sions no dissension among these people ; and it has even been 
discovered by one of their sages that believing in one God or 
twenty Gods " neither breaks a man's leg nor picks his pocket." 
The idolatrous Persian may here bow down before his everlast- 
ing fire, and prostrate himself towards the glowing east. The 
Chinese ma}^ adore his Fo, or his Joss ; the Egyptian his stork ; 
and the Mussulman practise, unmolested, the divine precepts 
of our immortal prophet. Nay, even the forlorn, abandoned 
Atheist, who lies down at night without committing himself to 
the protection of heaven, and rises in the morning without re- 
turning thanks for his safety ; — who hath no deity but his own 
will; — whose soul, like the sandy desert, is barren of every 
flower of hope to throw a solitary bloom over the dead level of 
sterility and soften the wide extent of desolation ; — whose 
darkened views extend not beyond the horizon that bounds his 
cheerless existence ; — to whom no blissful perspective opens 
beyond the grave ; — even he is suffered to indulge in his des- 
perate opinions, without exciting one other emotion than pity 
or contempt. But this mild and tolerating spirit reaches not 
beyond the pale of religion : — once differ in politics, in mere 
theories, visions, and chimeras, the growth of interest, of folly, 
or madness, and deadly warefare ensues ; every eye flashes fire, 
every tongue is loaded with reproach, and ever}' heart is filled 
with gall and bitterness. 



SALMAGUNDI. 177 

At tliis period several unjustifiable and serious injuries on 
the part of the barbarians of the British island, have given a 
new impulse to the tongue and the pen, and occasioned a terri- 
ble wordy fever. — Do not suppose, my friend, that I mean to 
condemn any proper and dignified expression of resentment for 
injuries. On the contrary, I love to see a woixl before a blow : 
for '' in the fulness of the heart the tongue moveth." But my 
long experience has convinced me that people who talk the most 
about taking satisfaction for affronts, generally content them- 
selves with talking instead of revenging the insult : like the 
street women of this country, who, after a prodigious scolding, 
quietly sit down and fan themselves cool as fast as possible. 
But to return: — the rage for talking has now, in consequence 
of the aggressions I alluded to, increased to a degree far beyond 
what I have observed heretofore. In the gardens of his high- 
ness of Tripoli are fifteen thousand beehives, three hundred 
peacocks, and a prodigious number of parrots and baboons ; — 
and yet I declare to thee, Asem, that their buzzing, and squalling, 
and chattering is nothing compared to the wild uproar and war 
of words now raging within the bosom of this mighty and dis- 
tracted logocrac}'. Politics pervade every city, every village, 
every temple, ever^- porter-house; — the universal question is, 
" What is the news? " — This is a kind of challenge to political 
debate ; and as no two men think exactly alike, 'tis ten to one 
but before they finish all the polite phrases in the language are 
exhausted by way of giving fire and energy to argument. What 
renders this talking fever more alarming, is that the people 
appear to be in the unhappy state of a patient whose palate 
nauseates the medicine best calculated for the cure of his dis- 
ease, and seem anxious to continue in the full enjoyment of 
their chattering epidemic. They alarm each other by direful 
reports and fearful apprehensions ; like I have seen a knot of 
old wives in this country entertain themselves with stories of 
ghosts and goblins until their imaginations were in a most ago- 
nizing panic. Every day begets some new tale, big with 
agitation ; and the busy goddess, rumor, to speak in the poetic 
language of the Christians, is constantly in motion. She 
mounts her rattling stage-wagon and gallops about the countr}'. 
freighted with a load of "hints," '"informations," "extracts 
of letters from respectable gentleman," "observations of re- 
spectable correspondents," and " unquestionable authorities ; " 
— which her high-priests, the slang-whangers, retail to their 
sapient followers with all the solemnity — and all the authen- 
ticity of oracles. True it is, the unfortunate slang-whangers 



178 SALMAGUNDI. 

are sometimes at a loss for food to supply this insatiable appe- 
tite for intelligence ; and are, not unfrequently, reduced to 
the necessity of manufacturing dishes suited to the taste of the 
times : to be served up as morning and evening repasts to their 
disciples. 

When the hungry politician is thus full charged with impor- 
tant infoi'mation, he sallies forth to give due exercise to his 
tongue ; and tells all he knows to everybody he meets. Now 
it is a thousand to one that every person he meets is just as 
wise as himself, charged with the same articles of information, 
and possessed of the same violent inclination to give it vent ; 
for in this country' every mau adopts some particular slaug- 
whauger as the standard of his judgment, and reads every 
thing he writes, if he reads nothing else ; which is doubtless 
the reason why the people of this logocracy are so marvellously 
enlightened. So awa}' they tilt at each other with their bor- 
rowed lances, advancing to the combat with the opinions and 
speculations of their respective slang-whangers, which in all 
probability are diametrically opposite: — here, then, arises as 
fair an opportunity for a battle of words as heart could wish ; 
and thou mayest rely upon it, Asem, they do not let it pass 
unimproved. They sometimes begin with argumeut ; but in 
process of time, as the tongue begins to wax wanton, other 
auxiliaries become necessary ; recrimination commences ; re- 
proach follows close at its heels ; — from political abuse they 
proceed to personal ; and thus often is a friendship of 3-ears 
trampled down by this contemptible enemy, this gigantic dwarf 
of POLITICS, the mongrel issue of grovelling ambition and aspir- 



ano; Ignorance 



There would be but little harm indeed in all this, if it ended 
merely in a broken head ; for this might soon be healed, and 
Ihe scar, if any remained, might serve as a warning ever after 

against the indulgence of political intemperance ; at the 

worst, the loss of such heads as these would be a gain to the 
nation. But the evil extends far deeper ; it threatens to impair 
all social intercourse, and even to sever the sacred union of 
family and kindred. The convivial table is disturbed ; the 
cheerful fireside is invaded ; the smile of social hilarity is 
chased away ; — the bond of social love is broken by the ever- 
lasting intrusion of this fiend of contention, who lurks in the 
sparkling bowl, crouches by the fireside, growls in the friendly 
circle, infests every avenue to pleasure ; and, like the scowling 
incubus, sits on the bosom of society, pressing down and 
smothering every throb and pulsation of liberal philanthropy. 



SALMAGUNDI. 179 

But thou wilt perhaps ask, " What can these people dispute 
about? one would suppose that beiug all free and equal, they 
would harmonize as brothers ; children of the same parent, 
and equal heirs of the same inheritance." This theory is most 
exquisite, my good friend, but in practice it turns out the very 
dream of a madman. Equality, Asem, is one of the most con- 
summate scoundrels that ever crept from the brain of a political 
juggler — a fellow who thrusts his hand into the pocket of hon- 
est industr3^ or enterprising talent, and sqauders their hard- 
earned profits on profligate idleness or indolent stupidity. 
There will always be an inequality among mankind so long as 
a portion of it is enlightened and industrious, and the rest idle 
and ignorant. The one will acquire a larger share of wealth, 
and its attendant comforts, refinements, and luxuries of life ; 
and the influence, and power, which those will always possess 
who have the greatest ability of administering to the necessities 
of their fellow-creatures. These advantages will inevitably 
excite envy ; and envy as inevitably begets ill-will : — hence 
arises that eternal warfare, which the lower orders of societj' 
are waging against those who have raised themselves by their 
own merits, or have been raised by the merits of their ances- 
tors, above the common level. In a nation possessed of quick 
feelings and impetuous passions, the hostility might engender 
deadly broils and bloody commotions ; but here it merely vents 
itself in high-sounding words, which lead to continual breaches 
of decorum ; or in the insidious assassination of character, ami 
a restless propensity among the base to blacken every reputa- 
tion which is fairer than their own. 

I cannot help smiling sometimes to see the solicitude with 
which the people of America, so called from the country- hav- 
ing been first discovered by Christopher Columbus, Ijattle about 
them when any election takes place ; as if they had the least 
concern in the matter, or were to be benefited by an exchange 
of bashaws ; — they really seem ignorant that none but the 
bashaws and their dependants are at all interested in the event ; 
and that the people at large will not find their situation altered 
in the least. I formerly gave thee an account of an election 
which took place under my eye. — The result has been that the 
people, as some of the slang-whangers saj^, have obtained a 
glorious triumph ; which, however, is flatly denied by the oppo- 
site slang-whangers, who insist that their party is composed of 
the true sovereign people ; and that the others are all jacobins. 
Frenchmen, and Irish rebels. 1 ought to apprise thee that the 
last is a term of great reproach here ; which, perhaps, thou 



180 SALMAGUNDI. 

wouldst not otherwise imagine, considering tliat it is not many 
years since this very people were engaged in a revolution ; the 
failure of which would have subjected them to the same igno- 
minious epithet, and a participation in which is now the highest 
recommendation to public confidence. By Mahomet, but it 
cannot be denied, that the consistency of tliis people, like every 
thing else appertaining to them, is on a prodigious gi^eat scale ! 
To return, however, to the event of the election. — The people 
triumphed, and much good has it done them. I, for my part, 
expected to see wonderful changes, and most magical metamor- 
phoses. I expected to see the i)eople all rich, that they would 
be all gentlemen bashaws, riding in their coaches, and faring 
sumptuously every day ; emancipated from toil, and revelling 
in luxurious ease. Wilt thou credit me, Asem, when I declare 
to thee that every thing remains exactly- in the same slate it 
was before the last wordy campaign ? — except a few noisy re- 
tainers, who have crept into office, and a few noisy patriots, on 
the other side, who have been kicked out, there is not the least 
difference. The laborer toils for his daily support ; the beggar 
still lives on the charity of those who have any charity to 
bestow ; and the only solid satisfaction the multitude have 
reaped is, that they have got a new governor, or bashaw, whom 
they will praise, idolize, and exalt for a while ; and afterwards, 
notwithstanding the sterling merits he really possesses, in com- 
pliance with immemorial custom, they will abuse, calumniate, 
and trample him under foot. 

Such, my dear Asem, is the way in which the wise people of 
"the most enlightened country under the sun" are amused 
with straws and puffed up with mighty conceits ; like a certain 
fish I have seen here, which, having his belly tickled for a 
short time, will swell and puff himself up to twice his usual 
size, and become a mere bladder of wind and vanity. 

The blessing of a true Mussulman light on thee, good Asem ; 
ever while thou livest be true to thy prophet ; and rejoice, that, 
though the boasting political chatterers of this logocracy cast 
upon thy countrymen the ignominious epithet of slaves, thou 
livest in a country where the people, instead of being at the 
mercy of a tyrant with a million of heads, have nothing to do 
but submit to the will of a bashaw of only three tails. 
Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



SALMAGUNDI. 181 

COCKLOFT HALL. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

Those who pass their time immured in the smoky circumfer- 
ence of the city, amid the rattling of carts, the brawling of the 
multitude, and the variety of unmeaning and discordant sounds 
that prey insensibly upon the nerves and beget a weariness 
of the spirits, can alone understand and feel that expansion of 
the heart, that physical renovation which a citizen experiences 
when he steals forth from his dusty prison to breathe the free 
air of heaven and enjoy the clear face of nature. Who that 
has rambled by the side of one of our majestic rivers at the 
hour of sunset, when the wildly romantic scenery around is 
softened and tinted by the voluptuous mist of evening ; when 
the bold and swelling outlines of the distant mountain seem 
melting into the glowing horizon and a rich mantle of reful- 
gence is thrown over the whole expanse of the heavens, but 
must have felt how abundant is nature in sources of pure en- 
joyment ; how luxuriant in all that can enliven the senses or 
delight the imagination. The jocund zephyr, full freighted 
with native fragrance, sues sweetly to the senses ; the chirping 
of the thousand varieties of insects with which our woodlands 
abound, forms a concert of simple melody ; even the barking 
of the farm dog, the lowing of the cattle, the tinkling of their 
bells, and the strokes of the woodman's axe from the opposite 
shore, seem to partake of the softness of the scene and fall 
tunefully upon the ear ; while the voice of the villager, chant- 
ing some rustic ballad, swells from a distance in the semblance 
of the very music of harmonious love. 

At such time I feel a sensation of sweet tranquillity ; a hal- 
lowed calm is diffused over my senses ; I cast my eyes around, 
and every object is serene, simple, and beautiful ; no warring 
passion, no discordant string there vibrates to the touch of 
ambition, self-interest, hatred, or revenge; — I am at peace 
with the whole world, and hail all mankind as friends and 
brothers. — Blissful moments ! ye recall the careless days of 
my boyhood, when mere existence was happiness, when hope 
was certainty, this world a paradise, and every woman a 
ministering angel! — surely man was designed for a tenant of 
the universe, instead of being pent up in these dismal cages, 
these dens of strife, disease, and discord. We were created 



182 SALMAG UNBL 

to range the fields, to sport among the groves, to build castles 
in the air, and have every one of them realized ! 

A whole legion of reflections like these insinuated themselves 
into my mind, and stole me from the influence of the cold reali- 
ties before me, as I took my accustomed walk, a few weeks 
since, on the Battery. Here watching the splendid mutations 
of one of our summer skies, which emulated the boasted glories 
of an Italian sunset, I all at once discovered that it was but 
to pack up m3' portmanteau, bid adieu for awhile to my elbow- 
chair, and in a little time I should be transported from the re- 
gion of smoke, and noise, and dust, to the enjoyment of a far 
sweeter prospect and a brighter sky. The next raoining I was 
off full tilt to Cockloft Hall, leaving my man Porapey to follow 
at his leisure with my baggage. I love to indulge in rapid 
transitions, which are prompted by the quick impulse of the 
moment ; — 'tis the only mode of guarding against that intrud- 
ing and deadly foe to all parties of pleasure, — anticipation. 

Having now made good my retreat, until the black frosts 
commence, it is but a piece of civility due to my readers, who 
I trust are, ere this, my friends, to give them a proper intro- 
duction to my present residence. I do this as much to gratify 
them as myself : well knowing a reader is always anxious to 
learn how his author is lodged, whether in a garret, a cellar, a 
hovel, or a palace ; at least an author is generally vain enough 
to think so ; and an author's vanity ought sometimes to be 
gratified ; poor vagabond ! it is often the only gratification he 
ever tastes in this world ! 

CoCKLOFT-HALL is the couutry residence of the family, or 
rather the paternal mansion ; which, like the mother couu- 
try, sends forth whole colonies to populate the face of the 
earth. Pindar whimsically denominates it the family hive ! 
and there is at least as much truth as humor in my cousin's 
epithet; — for many a redundant swarm has it produced. I 
don't recollect whether I have at any time mentioned to my 
readers, for I seldom look back on what I have written, that 
the fertility of the Cocklofts is proverbial. The female mem- 
bers of the family are most incredibly fruitful ; and to use a 
favorite phrase of old Cockloft, who is excessively addicted 
to backgammon, they seldom fail " to throw doublets every 
time." I myself have known three or four very industrious 
young men reduced to great extremities, with some of these 
capital breeders ; heaven smiled upon their union, and enriched 
them with a numerous and hopeful offspring — who eat them 
out of doors. 



SALMAGUNDI. 183 

But to return to the hall. — It is pleasantly situated on the 
bank of a sweet pastoral stream : not so near town as to invite 
an inundation of unmeaning, idle acquaintance, who come to 
lounge away an afternoon, nor so distant as to render it an 
absolute deed of charity or friendship to perform the journey. 
It is one of the oldest habitations in the country, and was built 
by my cousin Christopher's grandfather, who was also mine by 
the mother's side, in his latter days, to form, as the old gentle- 
man expressed himself, " a snug retreat, where he meant to 
sit himself down in his old days and be comfortable for the rest 
of his life." He was at this time a few years over four score : 
but this was a common saying of his, w^th which he usually 
closed his airy speculations. One would have thought, from 
the long vista of years through which he contemplated many 
of his projects, that the good man had forgot the age of the 
patriarchs had long since gone by, and calculated upon living 
a century longer at least. He was for a considerable time in 
doubt on the question of roofing his house with shingles or 
slate : — shingles would not last above thirty years ! but then 
they were much cheaper than slates. He settled the matter by 
a kind of compromise, and determined to build with shingles 
first; "and when they are worn out," said the old gentleman, 
triumphantly, "• 'twill be time enough to replace them with 
more durable materials ! " But his contemplated improvements 
surpassed every thing ; and scarcely had he a roof over his 
head, when he discovered a thousand things to be arranged 
before he could " sit down comfortably." In the first place, 
every tree and bush on the place was cut down or grubbed up 
by the roots, because they were not placed to his mind ; and a 
vast quantity of oaks, chestnuts, and elms, set out in clumps 
and rows, and labyrinths, which he observed in about five-and- 
tweuty or thirty years at most, would yield a very tolerable 
shade, and, moreover, shut out all the surrounding country ; 
for he was determined, he said, to have all his views on his 
own land, and be beholden to no man for a prospect. This, 
my learned readers will perceive, was something very like the 
idea of Lorenzo de Medici, who gave as a reason for preferring 
one of his seats above all the others, "that all the ground 
within view of it was his own : " now, whether my grandfather 
ever heard of the Medici, is more than I can say ; I rather think, 
however, from the characteristic originality of the Cocklofts, 
that it was a whim-wham of his own begetting. Another odd 
notion of the old gentleman was to blow up a large bed of 
rocks, for the purpose of having a fi^h-pond, although the river 



184 SALMAGUNDI. 

ran at about one nundred 3'ards distance from the house, and 
was well stored with fish ; — but there was nothing, he said, 
like having things to one's-self . So at it he went with all the 
ardor of a projector who has just hit upon some splendid and 
useless whim- wham. As he proceeded, his views enlarged ; he 
would have a summer-house built on the margin of the fish- 
pond ; he would have it surrounded with elms and willows ; 
and he would have a cellar dug under it, for some incompre- 
hensible purpose, which remains a secret to this day. "In a 
few years," he observed, "• it would be a delightful piece of 
wood and water, where he might ramble on a summer's noon, 
smoke his pipe, and enjoy himself in his old days:" — thrice 
honest old soul ! — he died of an apoplexy in his ninetieth year, 
just as he had begun to blow up the tish-poud. 

Let no one ridicule the vvhira-whams of my grandfather. 

If — and of this there is no doubt, for wise men have said it — 
if life is but a dream, happy is he who can make the most of 
the illusion. 

Since my grandfather's death, the hall has passed through the 
hands of a succession of true old cavaliers, like himself, who 
gloried in observing the golden rules of hospitality ; which, ac- 
cording to the Cockloft principle, consist in giving a guest the 
freedom of the house, cramming him with beef and pudding, 
and, if possible, laying him under the table with prime port, 
claret, or London particular. The mansion appears to have 
been consecrated to the jolly god, and teems with monuments 
sacred to conviviality. Every chest of drawers, clothes-press, 
and cabinet, is decorated with enormous China punch-bowls, 
which Mrs. Cockloft has paraded with much ostentation, partic- 
ularly in her favorite red damask bed-chamber, and in which a 
projector might, with great satisfaction, practise his experi- 
ments on fleets, diving-bells, and sub-marine boats. 

I have before mentioned cousin Christopher's profound ven- 
eration for antique furniture ; in consequence of which the old 
hall is furnished in much the same st3le with the house in town. 
Old-fashioned bedsteads, with high testers ; massy clothes- 
presses, standing most majestically on eagles' claws, and orna- 
mented with a profusion of shining brass handles, clasps, and 
hinges ; and around the grand parlor are solemnly arranged a 
set of high-backed, leather-bottomed, massy, mahogany chairs, 
that always remind me of the formal long-waisted belles, who 
flourished in sta3'S and buckram, about the time they were in 
fashion. 

If I may judge from their height, it was not the fashion for 



SALMAGUNDI. 185 

gentlemen in those days to loll over the back of a lady's chair, 
and whisper iu her ear what — might be as well spoken aloud ; — 
at least, they must have been Patagonians to have effected it. 
"Will Wizard declares that he saw a little fat German gallant 
attempt once to whisper Miss Barbara Cockloft in this manner, 
but being unluckily caught by the chin, he dangled and kicked 
about for half a minute, before he could find terra firma ; — l)ut 
Will is much addicted to hyperbole, by reason of his having 
been a great traveller. 

But what the Cocklofts most especially pi'ide themselves 
upon, is the possession of several family portraits, which ex- 
hibit as honest a square set of portly, well-fed looking gentle- 
men, and gentlewomen, as ever grew and flourished under the 
pencil of a Dutch painter. Old Christopher, who is a complete 
genealogist, has a story to tell of each ; and dilates with copious 
eloquence on the great services of the general in large sleeves, 
during the old French war ; and on the piety of the lady in blue 
velvet, who so attentively peruses her book, and was once so 
celebrated for a beautiful arm : but much as I reverence my 
illustrious ancestors, I find little to admire iu their biography, 
except my cousin's excellent memory' ; which is most provok- 
iugly retentive of every uninteresting particular. 

My allotted chamber in the hall is the same that was occupied 
in days of 3^ore by my honored uncle John. The room exliibits 
many memorials which recall to my remembrance the solid 
excellence and amiable eccentricities of that gallant old lad. 
Over the mantle-piece hangs the portrait of a 3'oung lady dressed 
in a flaring, long-waisted, blue-silk gown ; be-flowered, and be- 
furbelowed, and be-cuffed, in a most abundant manner ; she 
holds in one hand a book, which she very complaisantl}' neglects 
to turn and smile on the spectator ; in the other a flower, which 
I hope, for the honor of dame nature, was the sole production 
of the painter's imagination ; and a little behind her is some- 
thing tied to a blue ribbon, but whether a little dog, a monkey, 
or a pigeon, must be left to the judgment of future commenta- 
tors. The little damsel, tradition says, was my uncle John's 
third flame ; and he would infallibly have run away with her, 
could he have persuaded her into the measure ; but at that time 
ladies were not quite so easily run away with as Columbine ; 
and my uncle, failing in the point, took a lucky thought ; and 
with great gallantry ran off with her picture, which he conveyed 
in triumph to Cockloft-hall, and hung up in his bed-chamber as 
a monument of his enterprising spirit. The old gentleman 
prided himself mightily on this chivalrie manoeuvre ; always 



186 SALMA G UNDI. 

cliuckled, and pulled up his stock when he contemplated the 
picture, and never related the exploit without winding up with 

— "I might, indeed, have carried off the original, had 1 chose 
to dangle a little longer after her chariot-wheels ; — for, to do 
the girl justice, I believe she had a liking for me ; but I always 
scorned to coax, my boy, — always, — 'twas my way." My 
uncle John was of a happy temperament; — I would give half 
I am worth for his talent at self-consolation. 

The Miss Cocklofts have made several spirited attempts to 
introduce modern furniture into the hall ; but with very indiffer- 
ent success. Modern style has always been an object of great 
annoyance to honest Christopher ; and is ever treated by hiin 
witli sovereign contempt, as au upstart intruder. — It is a com- 
mon observation of his, that your old-fashioned substantial 
furniture bespeaks the respectability of one's ancestors, and in- 
dicates that the family has been used to hold up its head for 
more than the present generation ; whereas the fragile appendages 
of modern style seemed to be emblems of mushroom gentility ; 
and, to his mind, predicted that the family dignity would 
moulder away and vanish with the finery thus put on of a sud- 
den. — The same whiin-wham makes him averse to having his 
house surrounded with poplars ; which he stigmatizes as mere 
upstarts ; just fit to ornament the shingle palaces of modern 
gentry, and characteristic of the establishments they decorate. 
Indeed, so far does he carry his veneration for all the antique 
trumpery, that he can scarcely see the venerable dust ))rushed 
from its resting place on the old-fashioned testers ; or a gray- 
bearded spider clislodged from his ancient inheritance without 
groaning ; and 1 once saw him in a transport of passion on 
Jeremy's knocking down a mouldering martin-coop with his 
tennis-ball, which had been set up in the latter days of my 
grandfather. Another object of his peculiar affection is an old 
English cherry tree, which leans against a corner of the hall ; 
and whether the house supports it, or it supports the house, 
would be, I believe, a question of some difficulty to decide. It 
is held sacred by friend Christopher because he planted and 
reared it himself, and had once well-nigh broke his neck by a 
fall from one of its branches. This is one of his favorite 
stories: — and there is reason to believe, that if the tree was 
out of the way, the old gentleman would forget the whole affair ; 

— which would be a great pity. — The old tree has long since 
ceased bearing, and is exceedingly infirm ; — every teini)est robs 
it of a limb ; and one would su[ipose from the lamentations of 
my old friend, ou such occasions, that he had lost one of his 



SALMAGUNDI. 187 

own. He often contemplates it in a half-melauchol}', lialf- 
moralizing humor — " together," he says, " have we flourished, 
and together shall we wither away : — a few 3'ears, aud both our 
heads will be laid low ; and, perhaps, my mouldering bones 
may, one day or other, mingle with the dust of the tree I have 
planted." He often fancies, he says, that it rejoices to see him 
when he revisits the hall ; and that its leaves assume a brighter 
verdure, as if to welcome his arrival. How whimsically are 
our tenderest feelings assailed ! At one time the old tree had 
obtruded a withered branch before Miss Barbara's window, and 
she desired her father to order the gardener to saw it off. I 
shall never forget the old man's answer, and the look that ac- 
companied it. '^ What," cried he, "lop off the limbs of my 
cherry-tree in its old age ? — why do you not cut off the gray 
locks of your poor old father? " 

Do my readers yawn at this long family detail ? They are 
welcome to throw down our work, and never resume it again. 
I have no care for such ungratified spirits, and will not throw 
away a thought on one of them ; — full often have I contributed 
to their amusement, and have I not a right, for once, to consult 
my own? Who is there that does not fondly turn, at times, to 
linger round those scenes which were once the haunt of his boy- 
hood, ere his heart grew heavy and his head waxed gray ; — 
and to dwell with fond affection on the friends who have twined 

themselves round his heart, mingled in all his enjoyments, 

contributed to all his felicities? If there be any who can- 
not relish these enjoyments, let them despair ; — for they have 
been so soiled in their intercourse with the world, as to be in- 
capable of tasting some of the purest pleasures that survive the 
happy period of youth. 

To such as have not 3'et lost the rural feeling, I address this 
simple family picture ; and in the honest sincerity of a warm 
heart, I invite them to turn aside from bustle, care, and toil, to 
tarry with me for a season, in the hospitable mansion of the 
Cocklofts. 



I WAS really apprehensive, on reading the following effusion 
of Will Wizard, that he still retained that pestilent hankering 
after puns of which we lately convicted him. He, however, 
declares, that he is fully authorized by the example of the most 
popular critics and wits of the present age, whose manner and 
matter he has closeh', and he flatters himself successfully: 
copied in the subsequent essay. 



188 SALMAGUNDI. 

THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. 

Br WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

The uncommon healthiness of the season, occasioned, as 
several learned physicians assure me, by the universal preva- 
lence of the influenza, has encouraged the chieftain of our 
dramatic corps to marshal his forces, and to commence the cam- 
paign at a much earlier day than usual. He has been induced 
to take the field thus suddenly, I am told, by the invasion of 
certain foreign marauders, who pitched their tents at Vauxhall 
Garden during the warm months ; and taking advantage of his 
army being disbanded and dispersed in summer quarters, com- 
mitted sad depredations upon the borders of his territories: — 
carrying off a considerable portion of his winter harvest, and 
murdering some of his most distinguished characters. 

It is true, these hardy invaders have been reduced to great 
extremity by the late heavy rains, which injured and destroyed 
much of their camp-equipage ; besides spoiling the best part of 
their wardrobe. Two cities, a triumphal car, and a new moon 
for Cinderella, together with the barber's bov who was employed 
every night to powder and make it shine white, have been en- 
tirely washed away, and the sea has become very wet and 
mouldy ; insomuch that great apprehensions are entertained 
that it will never be dry enough for use. Add to this the noble 
county Paris had the misfortune to tear his corduroy breeches, 
in the scuffle with Romeo, by reason of the tomb being very 
wet, which occasioned him to slip ; and he and his noble rival 
possessing but one poor pair of satin ones between them, were 
reduced to considerable shifts to keep up the dignity of their 
respective houses. In spite of these disadvantages, and the 
untoward circumstances, they continued to enact most intrep- 
idly ; performing with much ease and confidence, inasmuch as 
they were seldom pestered with an audience to criticise and put 
them out of countenance. It is rumored that the last heavy 
shower absolutely dissolved the company, and that our manager 
has nothing further to apprehend from that quarter. 

The theatre opened on Wednesday last, with great eclat ^ as 
we critics say, and almost vied in brilliancy with that of my 
superb friend Consequa in Canton ; where the castles were all 
ivor}^ the sea mother-of-pearl, the skies gold and silver leaf, 
and the outside of the boxes inlaid with scallop shell-work. 



SALMAGUNDI. 189 

Those who want a better description of the theatre, may as 
well go and see it ; and then they can judge for themselves. 
For the gratification of a highly respectable class of readers, 
who love to see every thing on paper, I had indeed prepared a 
circumstantial and truly incomprehensible account of it, such 
as your traveller always fills his book with, and which I defy 
the most intelligent architect, even the great Sir Christopher 
Wren, to understand. I had jumbled cornices, and pilasters, 
and pillars, and capitals, and triglyphs, and modules, and 
plinths, and volutes, and perspectives, and foreshortenings, 
helter-skelter ; and had set all the orders of architecture, Doric, 
Ionic, Corinthian, etc., together by the ears, in order to work 
out a satisfactory description ; but the manager having sent me 
a polite note, requestiug that I would not take off the sharp 
edge, as he whimsically expresses it. of public curiosit}-, thereby 
diminishing the receipts of his house, I have willingly con- 
sented to oblige him, and have left my description at the store 
of our publisher, where any person may see it — provided he 
applies at a proper hour. 

I cannot refrain here from giving vent to the satisfaction I 
received from the excellent performances of the different actors 
one and all ; and particularly the gentlemen who shifted the 
scenes, who acquitted themselves throughout with great 
celerity, dignity, pathos and effect. Nor must I pass over 
the peculiar merits of my friend John, who gallanted off the 
chairs and tables in the most dignified and circumspect man- 
ner. Indeed, I have had frequent occasion to applaud the cor- 
rectness with which this gentleman fulfils the parts allotted 
him, and consider him as one of the best general i)erformers in 
the company. My friend, the cockney, found considerable 
fault with the manner in which John shoved a huge rock from 
behind the scenes ; maintaining that he should have put his left 
foot forward, and pushed it with his right hand, that being the 
method practised by his contemporaries of the royal theatres, 
and universally approved by their best critics. He also took 
exception to John's coat, which he pronounced too short by a 
foot at least ; particularly when he turned his back to the com- 
pany. But I look upon these objections in the same light as 
new readings, and insist that John shall be allowed to 
manoeuvre his chairs and tables, shove his rocks, and wear his 
skirts in that style which his genius best affects. My hopes in 
the rising merit of this favorite actor dail}' increase ; and I 
would hint to the manager the propriety of giving him a benefit, 
advertising in the usual style of play-bills, as a " springe to 



190 SA LMA G UNDI. 

catch woodcocks," that, between the play and farce, John will 
MAKE A BOW — foi" that uight onl}- ! 

I am told that no pains have been spared to make the exhibi- 
tions of this season as splendid as possible. Several expert rat- 
catchers have been sent into different parts of the country to 
catch white mice for the grand pantomime of Cinderella. A 
nest full of little squab Cupids have been taken in the neigh- 
l)orhood of Communipaw ; they are as yet but half fledged, of 
tlie true Holland breed, and it is hoped will be able to fly about 
by the middle of October ; otherwise they will be suspended 
about the stage by the waistband, like little alligators in an 
apothecary's shop, as the pantomime must positively be per- 
formed by that time. Great pains and expense have been 
incurred in the importation of one of the most portly pump- 
kins in New England ; and the public may be assured there is 
now one on board a vessel from New Haven, which will con- 
tain Cinderella's coach and six with perfect ease, were the 
white mice even ten times as large. 

Also several barrels of hail, rain, brimstone, and gunpowder, 
are in store for melodramas ; of which a number are to be 
played off this winter. It is furthermore whispered me that 
the great thunder-drum has been new braced, and an expert 
performer on that instrument engaged, who will thunder in 
plain English, so as to be understood by the most illiterate 
hearer. This will be infinitely preferable to the miserable 
Italian thunderer employed last winter by Mr. Ciceri, who 
performed in such an unnatural and outlandish tongue that 
none but the scholars of signor Da Ponte could understand 
him. It will be a further gratification to the patriotic audience 
to know, that the present thunderer is a fellow countryman, 
born at Dunderbarrack, among the echoes of the Highlands ; — 
and that he thunders with peculiar emphasis and pompous 
enunciation, in the true style of a fourth of July orator. 

In addition to all these additions, the manager has provided 
an entire new snow-storm ; the very sight of which will be 
quite sufficient to draw a shawl over every naked bosom in the 
theatre ; the snow is perfectly fresh, having been manufactured 
last August. 

N.B. The outside of the theatre has been ornamented with 
a new chimney ! 



SALMAGUNDI. 191 



NO. XV.-THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1807. 



SKETCHES FROM NATURE. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

The brisk north- westers, which prevailed not long since, had 
a powerful effect iu arresting the progress of belles, beaux, and 
wild pigeons in their fashionable northern tour, and turning 
them back to the more balmy region of the South. Among 
the rest, I was encountered, full but, by a blast which set my 
teeth chattering, just as I doubled one of the frowning bluffs 
of the Mohawk mountains, in my route to Niagara; and facing 
about incontinentl_y, I forthwith scud before tlie wind, and a 
few days since arrived at my old quarters in New York. My 
first care, on returning from so long an absence, was to visit 
the worthy family of the Cocklofts, whom I found safe, bur- 
rowed in their country mansion. On inquiriug for my higlily 
respected coadjutor, Langstaff, I learned witli great concern 
that he had relapsed into one of his eccentric fits of the spleen, 
ever since the era of a turtle dinner given by old Cockloft to 
some of the neighboring squires ; wherein the old gentleman 
had achieved a glorious victory, in laying honest Launcelot 
fairly under the table. Langstaff, although fond of the social 
board, and cheerful glass, j'et abominates any excess ; and has 
an invincible aversion to getting mellow, considering it a wil- 
ful outrage on the sanctity of imperial mind, a senseless abuse 
of the body, and an unpardonable, because a voluntar}', pros- 
tration of both mental and personal dignit3% I have heard 
him moralize on the subject, in a style that would have done 
honor to Michael Cassia himself ; but I believe, if the truth 
were known, this antipathy rather arises from his having, as 
the phrase is, but a weak head, and nerves so extremely sensi- 
tive, that he is sure to suffer severely from a frolic ; and will 
groan and make resolutions against it for a week afterwards. 
He therefore took this waggish exploit of old Christopher's, and 
the consequent quizzing which he underwent, in high dudgeon. 



192 SALMAGUNDI. 

had kept aloof from company for a fortnight, and appeared to 
be meditating some deep plan of retaliation upon his mis- 
chievous old crony. He had, however, for the last day or two, 
shown some symptoms of convalescence : had listened without 
more than half a dozen twitches of impatience, to one of Chris- 
topher's unconscionable long stories ; and even was seen to 
smile, for the one hundred and thirtieth time, at a venerable 
joke originally borrowed from Joe Miller: but which, b}- dint 
of long occupancy, and frequent repetition, the old gentleman 
now firmly believes happened to himself somewhere in New 
England. 

As I am well acquainted with Launcelot's haunts, I soon 
found him out. He was lolling on his favorite bench, rudely 
constructed at the foot of an old tree, which is full of fantasti- 
cal twists, and with its spreading branches forms a canopy of 
luxuriant foliage. This tree is a kind of chronicle of the short 
reigns of his uncle John's mistresses ; and its trunk is sorely 
wounded with carvings of true lovers' knots, hearts, darts, 
names, and inscriptions ! — frail memorials of the variety of the 
fair dames who captivated the wandering fanc\' of that old 
cavalier in the da^'S of his youthful romance. Launcelot holds 
this tree in particular regard, as he does every thing else con- 
nected with the memory of his good uncle John. He was re- 
clining, in one of his usual brown studies, against its trunk, 
and gazing pensively upon the river that glided just by, wash- 
ing the droopiug branches of the dwarf willows that fringed its 
bank. My appearance roused him ; — he grasped my liand with 
his usual warmth, and with a tremulous but close pressure, 
which spoke that his heart entered into the salutation. After 
a number of affectionate inquiries and felicitations, such as 
friendship, not form, dictated, he seemed to relapse into his 
former flow of thought, and to resume the chain of ideas my 
appearance had broken for a moment. 

" 1 was reflecting," said he, "• my dear Anthony, upon some 
observations I made in our last number ; and considering 
whether the sight of objects once dear to the affections, or of 
scenes where we have passed different happy periods of earl}' 
life, really occasion most enjoyment or most regret. Renew- 
ing our acquaintance with well-known but long-separated ob- 
jects, revives, it is true, the recollection of former pleasures, 
and touches the tenderest feelings of the heart ; like the flavor 
of a delicious beverage will remain upon the palate long after 
tlie cup has parted from the lips. But on the other hand, my 
IVicnd, these same objects are too apt to awaken us to a keener 



SALMAGUNDI. 193 

recollection of what we were, when they first delighted us ; to 
provoke a mortifying and melancholy contrast with what we 
are at present. They act, in a manner, as milestones of exist- 
ence, showing us how far we have travelled in the journey of 
life; — how much of our weary but fascinating pilgrimage is 
accomplished. I look round me, and my 63^6 fondly recognizes 
the fields I once sported over, the river in which I once swam, 
and the orchard I intrepidly robbed in the halcyon days of 
boyhood. The fields are still green, the river still rolls unal- 
tered and undiminished, and the orchard is still flourishing and 
fruitful ; — it is I only am changed. The thoughtless flow of 
mad-cap spirits that nothing could depress ; — the elasticity' 
of nerve that enabled me to bound over the field, to stem the 
stream, and climb the tree ; — the ' sunshine of the breast ' that 
beamed an illusive charm over every object, and created a 
paradise around me ! — where are they? — the thievish lapse of 
years has stolen them away, and left in return nothing but 
gray hairs, and a repining spirit." My friend Launcelot con- 
cluded his harangue with a sigh, and as I saw he was still 
under the influence of a whole legion of the blues, and just on 
the point of sinking into one of his whimsical and unreason- 
able fits of melancholy abstraction, I proposed a walk ; — he con- 
sented, and slipping his left arm in mine, and waving in the 
other a gold-headed thorn cane, bequeathed him by his uncle 
John, we slowly rambled along the margin of the river. 

Langstaff, though possessing great vivacity of temper, is 
most wofuUy subject to these " thick coming fancies : " and I 
do not know a man whose animal spirits do insult him with 
more jiltings, and coquetries, and slippery tricks. In these 
moods he is often visited by a whim-whara which he indulges 
in common with the Cocklofts. It is that of looking back with 
regret, conjuring up the phantoms of good old times, and deck- 
ing them out in imaginary finery, with the spoils of his fancy ; 
like a good lady widow, regretting the loss of the "' poor dear 
man; " for whom, while living, she cared not a rush. I have 
seen him and Pindar, and old Cockloft, amuse themselves over 
a bottle with their youthful days ; until by the time they had 
become what is termed merry, they were the most miserable 
beings in existence. In a similar humor was Launcelot at 
present, and I knew the only way was to let him moralize him- 
self out of it. 

Our ramble was soon interrupted by the appearance of a 
personage of no little importance at Cockloft Hall ; — for, to let 
my readers into a family secret, friend Christopher is notoii- 



194 SALMAGUNDI. 

ously henpecked by an old negro, who has whitened on the 
place ; and is his master, almanac, and counsellor. M3' read- 
ers, if haply they have sojourned in the countr}', and become 
conversant in rural manners, must have observed, that there is 
scarce a little hamlet but has one of these old weather-beaten 
wiseacres of negroes, who ranks among the great characters of 
the place. He is always resorted to as an oracle to resolve any 
question about the weather, fishing, shooting, farming, and 
horse-doctoring : and on such occasions will slouch his remnant 
of a hat on one side, fold his arms, roll his white eyes, and 
examine the sk}', with a look as knowing as Peter Pindar's 
magpie when peeping into a marrow-bone. Such a sage cur- 
mudgeon is old Csesar, who acts as friend Cockloft's prime 
minister or grand vizier ; assumes, when abroad, his master's 
style and title ; to wit, squire Cockloft ; and is, in effect, abso- 
lute lord and ruler of the soil. 

As he passed us he pulled off his hat with an air of some- 
thing more than respect; — it partook, I thought, of affection. 
'"• Theie, now, is another memento of the kind I have been 
noticing," said Launcelot ; " Ca?sar was a bosom friend and 
chosen playmate of cousin Pindar and myself, when we were 
boys. Never were we so happy as when, stealing away on a 
holiday to the hall, we ranged about the fields with honest 
Ca?sar. He was [particularly adroit in making our quail-traps 
and fishmg-rods ; was always the ring-leader in all the schemes 
of frolicksome mischief perpetrated by the urchins of the 
neighborhood ; considered himself on an equality with the best 
of us ; and many a hard battle have I had with him, about 
a division of the spoils of an orchard, or the title to a bird's 
nest. Many a summer evening do I remember when huddled 
together on the steps of the hall door, Cuesar, with his stories 
of ghosts, goblins, and witches, would put us all in a panic, 
and people every lane, and church-yard, and solitary wood, 
with imaginary beings. In process of time, he became the 
constant attendant and Man Friday of cousin Pindar, when- 
ever he went a sparking among the rosy country girls of the 
neighboring farms ; and brought up his rear at ever}- rustic 
dance, when he would mingle in the sable group that always 
thronged the door of merriment ; and it was enough to put to 
the rout a host of splenetic imps to see his mouth gradually 
dilate from ear to ear, with pride and exultation, at seeing 
how neatly master Pindar footed it over the floor. Csesar was 
likewise the chosen confidant and special agent of Pindar in all 
his love affairs, until, as his evil stars would have it, on being 



SALMA G UNDL 195 

intrusted with the delivery of a poetic billet-doux to one of his 
patron's sweethearts, he took an unlucky notion to send it to 
his own sable dulcinea ; who not being able to read it, took 
it to her mistress ; — and so, the whole affair was blown. Pin- 
dar was universally roasted, and Caesar discharged forever 
from his confidence. 

" Poor Cnesar ! — he has now grown old, like his young mas- 
ters, but he still remembers old times ; and will, now and then, 
remind me of them as he lights me to my room, and lingers a 
little while to bid me a good-night: — believe me, my dear Ever- 
green, the honest, simple old creature has a warm corner in my 
heart: — I don't see, for my part, why a body may not like a 
negro as well as a w^hite man ! " 

By the time these biographical anecdotes were ended we had 
reached the stable, into which we involuntarily strolled, and 
found Cffisar busily employed in rubbing down the horses ; an 
office he would not intrust to an3-body else ; having contracted 
an affection for every beast in the stable, from their being de- 
scendants of the old race of animals, his youthful contempora- 
ries. Caesar was very particular in giving us their pedigrees, 
together with a panegyric on the swiftness, bottom, blood, and 
spirit of their sires. From these he digressed into a varietj- of 
anecdotes, in which Launcelot bore a conspicuous part, and on 
wdiich the old negro dwelt with all the garrulity of age. Honest 
Laugstaff stood leaning with his arm over the back of his fa- 
vorite steed, old Killdeer ; and I could perceive he listened to 
Caesar's simple details with that fond attention with which a 
feeling mind will hang over narratives of boyish days. His 
eyes sparkled with animation, a glow of youthful fire stole 
across his pale visage ; he nodded with smiling approbation at 
ever}' sentence ; — chuckled at every exploit ; laughed heartily 
at the stor}' of his once having smoked out a country singing- 
school with brimstone and assafojtida ; — and slipping a piece 
of money into old Caesar's hand to buy himself a new tobacco- 
box, he seized me by the arm and hurried out of the stable 
brimful of good-nature. " 'Tis a pestilent old rogue for talk- 
ing, my dear fellow," cried he, "but you must not find fault 
with him, — the creature means well." I knew at the very 
moment that he made this apology, honest Caesar could not 
have given him half the satisfaction had he talked like a Cicero 
or a Solomon. 

Launcelot returned to the house with me in the best possible 
humor: — the whole family, who, in truth, love and honor him 
from their very souls, were delighted to see the sunbeams once 



196 SALMAGUNDI. 

more play in his countenance. Eveiy one seemed to vie who 
should talk the most, tell the longest stories, and be most 
agreeable ; and Will Wizard, who had accompanied me in my 
visit, declared, as he lighted his cigar, which had gone out 
forty times in the course of one of his Oriental tales, — that he 
had not passed so pleasant an evening since the birth-night ball 
of the beauteous empress of Hayti. 



[The following essa}^ was written by my friend Langstaff, in 
one of the paroxysms of his splenetic complaint ; and, for aught 
I know, may have been effectual in restoring him to good humor. 
— A mental discharge of the kind has a remarkable tendency 
toward sweetening the temper, — and Launcelot is, at this mo- 
ment, one of the best-natured men in existence. 

A. EVEllGREE!?". 



ON GREATNESS. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

We have more than once, in the course of our work, been 
most jocosely familiar with great personages ; and, in truth, 
treated them with as little ceremony, respect, and considera- 
tion, as if they had been our most particular friends. Now, we 
would not suffer the mortification of having our readers evea 
suspect us of an intimacy of the kind ; assuring them we are 
extremely choice in our intimates, and uncommonly circumspect 
in avoiding connections with all doubtful characters ; particu- 
larly pimps, bailiffs, lottery-brokers, chevaliers of industry, and 
great men. The world, in general, is pretty well aware of what 
is to be understood by the former classes of delinquents ; but 
as the latter has never, I believe, been specifically defined ; and 
as we are determined to instruct our readers to the extent of our 
abilities, and their limited comprehension, it may not be amiss 
here to let them know what we understand by a great man. 

First, therefore, let us — editors and kings are always plural 
— premise, that there are two kinds of greatness, — one con- 
ferred by heaven — the exalted nobilitj' of the soul ; — the other, 
a spurious distinction, engendered by the mob and lavished 
upon its favorites. The former of these distinctions we have 



SALMAGUNDI. 197 

always coutemplated with reverence ; the hitter, we will take 
this opportuuity to strip naked before our unenlightened read- 
ers ; so that if by chance any of them are held in ignominious 
thraldom by this base circulation of false coin, they may forth- 
with emancipate themselves from such inglorious delusion. 

It is a fictitious value given to individuals by public caprice, 
as bankers give an impression to a worthless slip of paper; 
thereby gaining it a curreuc}' for infinitely more than its intrin- 
sic value. Every nation has its peculiar coin, and peculiar 
great men; neither of which will, for the most part, pass cur- 
rent out of the country wliere they are stamped. Your true 
mob-created great man, is like a note of one of the little New- 
England banks, and his value depreciates in proportion to the 
distance from home. In England a great man is he who has 
most ribbons and gew-gaws on his coat, most horses to his car- 
riage, most slaves in his retinue, or most toad-eaters at his 
table ; in France, he who can most dexterously flourish his heels 
above his head — Duport is most incontestably the greatest man 
in France ! — when the emperor is absent. The greatest man m 
China is he who can trace his ancestry up to the moon ; and 
in this country, our great men may generally hunt down their 
pedigree until it burrows in the dirt like a rabbit. To be con- 
cise ; our great men are those who are most expert at crawling 
on all fours, and have the happiest facility in dragging and 
winding themselves along in the dirt like very reptiles. This 
may seem a paradox to many of my readers, who, with great 
good-nature be it hinted, are loo stupid to look beyond the mere 
surface of our invaluable writings ; and oftea pass over the 
knowing allusion, and poignant meaning, that is slyly crouching 
beneath. It is for the benefit of such helpless ignorants, who 
have no other creed but the opinion of the mob, that I shall 
trace — as far as it is possible to follow him in his progress from 
insignificance — the rise, progress, and completion of a little 

GREAT MAN. 

In a logocracy, to use the sage Mustapha's phrase, it is not 
absolutely necessary to the formation of a great man that he 
should be either wise or valiant, upright or honorable. On the 
contrary, daily experience shows that these qualities rather 
mipede his preferment ; inasmuch as they are prone to render 
him too inflexibly erect, and are directly at variance with that 
willowy suppleness which enables a man to wind and twist 
through all the nooks and turns and dark winding passages that 
lead to greatness. The grand requisite for climbing the rugged 
hill of popularity, — the summit of which is the seat of power, 



198 SALMAGUNDI. 

— is to be useful. And here once more, for the sake of our 
readers, who are, of course, not so wise as ourselves, I must 
explain what we understand by usefulness. The horse, in his 
native state, is wild, swift, impetuous, full of majesty, and of a 
most generous spirit. It is then the animal is noble, exalted, 
and useless. — But entrap him, manacle him, cudgel him, break 
down his lofty spirit, put the curb into his mouth, the load upon 
his back, and reduce him into servile obedience to the bridle and 
the lash, and it is then he becomes useful. Your jackass is one 
of the most useful animals in existence. If my readers do not 
now understand what I mean by usefulness, I give them all up 
for most absolute nincoms. 

To lise in this country, a man must first descend. The as- 
pu-ing politician may be compared to that indefatigable insect 
called the tumbler ; pronounced by a distinguished personage 
to be the only industrious animal in Virginia, which buries itself 
in filth, and works ignobly in the dirt, until it forms a little ball, 
which it rolls laboriously along, like Diogenes in his tub; some- 
times head, sometimes tail foremost, pilfering from every rut 
and mud-hole, and increasing its ball of greatness by the con- 
tributions of the kennel. Just so the candidate for greatness ; 

— he i)lunges into that mass of obscenity, the mob ; labors in 
dirt and ol)livion, and makes unto himself the rudiments of a 
popular name from the admiration and praises of rogues, igno- 
ramuses, and blackguaids. His name once started, onward he 
goes struggling, and puffing, and pushing it before him ; col- 
lecting new tributes from the dregs and offals of the land, as 
he proceeds, until having gathered together a mighty mass of 
popularity, he mounts it in triumph ; is hoisted into office, and 
becomes a great man, and a ruler in the land ; — all this will be 
clearly illustrated by a sketch of a worthy of the kind, who 
sprung up under my eye, and was hatched from pollution by the 
broad rays of popularity, which, like the sun, can "■ breed mag- 
gots in a dead dog." 

Timothy Dabble was a young man of very promising 
talents ; for he wrote a fair hand, and had thrice won the silver 
medal at a country academ}' ; — he was also an orator, for he 
talked with emphatic volubility, and could argue a full hour, 
without taking either side, or advancing a single opinion ; — he 
had still further requisites for eloquence ; — for he made very 
handsome gestures, had dimples in his cheeks when he smiled, 
and enunciated most harmoniously through his nose. In 
short, nature had certainly marked him out for a great man ; 
for though he was not tall, yet he added at least half an inch 



SALMAGUNDI. 199 

to his stature by elevating his head, and assumed an amazing 
expression of dignity by turning up his nose and curling his 
nostrils in a st^'le of conscious superiority. Convinced by 
these unequivocal appearances, Dabble's friends, in full caucus, 
one and all, declared that he was undoubtedly boru to be a 
great man ; and it would be his own fault if he were not one. 
Dabble was tickled with au opinion which coincided so happily 
with his own, — for vanity, in a confidential whisper, had given 
him the like intimation; — and he reverenced the judgment of 
his friends because they thought so highly of himself ; — accord- 
ingly he set out with a determination to become a great man, 
and to start in the scrub-race for honor and renown. How to 
attain the desired prizes was, however, the question. He knew 
by a kind of instinctive feeling, which seems peculiar to grovel- 
ling minds, that honor, and its better part — profit, would 
never seek him out ; that they would never knock at his door 
and crave admittance ; but must be courted, and toiled after, 
and earned. He therefore strutted forth into the highways, 
the market-places, and the assemblies of the people ; ranted 
like a true cockerel orator about virtue, and patriotism, and 
liberty, and equality, and himself. Full many a political wind- 
mill did he battle with ; and full many a time did he talk him- 
self out of breath, and his hearers out of their patience. But 
Dabble found, to his vast astonishment, that there was not a 
notorious political pimp at a ward meeting but could out-talk 
him ; and what was still more mortifying, there was not a 
notorious political pimp but was more noticed and caressed 
than himself. The reason was simple enough ; while he ha- 
rangued about principles, the others ranted about men ; whei'e 
he reprobated a political error, they blasted a political charac- 
ter ; — they were consequently, the most useful; for the great 
object of our political disputes is not who shall have the honor 
of emancipating the community from the leading strings of 
delusion, but who shall have the profit of holding the strings 
and leading the community by the nose. 

Dabble was likewise very loud in his professions of integrity, 
incorruptibility, and disinterestedness ; words which, from being 
filtered and refined through newspapers and election handbills, 
have lost their original signification ; and in the political 
dictionar}^ are synonymous with empty pockets, itching pahns, 
and interested ambition. He, in addition to all this, declared 
that he would support none but honest men ; — but unluckily 
as but few of these offered themselves to be supported, Dab- 
ble's services were seldom required. He pledged himself never 



200 SALMAGUNDI. 

to engage in party schemes, or part}' politics, but to stand up 
solely for the broad interests of his country ; — so he stood 
alone ; and what is the same thing, he stood still ; for, in this 
country, he who does not side with either party, is like a body 
in a vacuum between two planets, and must for ever remain 
motionless. 

Dabble was immeasurably surprised that a man so honest, so 
disinterested, and so sagacious withal, — and one too who had 
the good of his country so much at heart, should thus remain 
unnoticed and unapplauded. A little worldly advice, whis- 
pered in his ear by a shrewd old politician, at once explained 
the whole mystery. " He who would become great," said he, 
" must serve an apprenticeship to greatness ; and rise by regular 
gradation, like the master of a vessel, who commences by being 
scrub and cabin-boy. He must fag in the train of great men, 
echo all their sentiments, become their toad-eater and parasite ; 
— laugh at all their jokes, and above all, endeavor to make 
them laugh ; if 3'ou only now and then make a man laugh, 
your fortune is made. Look but about you, youngster, and 
you will not see a single little great man of the da3\ but has 
his miserable herd of retainers, who yelp at his heels, come at 
his whistle, worry whoever he points his finger at, and think 
themselves fully rewarded by sometimes snapping up a crumb 
that falls from the great man's table. Talk of patriotism and 
virtue, and incorruptibility! — tut, man! they are the very 
qualities that scare munificence, and keep patronage at a dis- 
tance. You might as well attempt to entice crows with red 
rags and gunpowder. Lay all these scarecrow virtues aside, 
and let this be your maxim, that a candidate for political 
eminence is like a dried herring ; he never becomes luminous 
until he is corrupt." 

Dabble caught with hungry avidity these congenial doc- 
trines, and turned into his predestined channel of action with 
the force and rapidity of a stream which has for a while been 
restrained from its natural course. He became what nature 
had fitted him to be : — his tone softened down from arrogant 
self-sufficiency, to the whine of fawning solicitation. He min- 
gled in the caucuses of the sovereign people ; adapted his dress 
to a similitude of dirty raggedness ; argued most logicall}'^ with 
those who were of his own opinion ; and slandered, with all the 
malice of impotence, exalted characters whose orbit he de- 
spaired ever to approach : — just as that scoundrel midnight 
thief, the owl, hoots at the blessed light of the sun, whose 
glorious lustre he dares never contemplate. He likewise ap- 



SALMAGUNDI. 201 

plied himself to discharging, faithfully, the honorable duties 
of a partisan ; - — he poached about for private slanders and 
ribald anecdotes ; — he folded handbills ; — he even wrote one 
or two himself, which he carried about in his pocket and read to 
everybody; — he became a secretary at ward-meetings, set his 
hand to divers resolutions of patriotic import, and even once 
went so far as to make a speech, in which he proved that patri- 
otism was a virtue ; — the reigning bashaw a great man ; — that 
this was a free country, and he himself an arrant and incon- 
testable buzzard ! 

Dabble was now very frequent and devout in his visits to 
those temples of politics, popularity, and smoke, the ward 
porter-houses ; those true dens of equality where all ranks, 
ages, and talents are brought down to the dead level of rude 
familiarity. 'Twas here his talents expanded, and his genius 
swelled up into its proper size ; like the loathsome toad, which, 
shrinking from balmy airs and jocund sunshine, finds his con- 
genial home in caves and dungeons, and there nourishes his 
venom, and bloats his deformity. 'Twas here he revelled with 
the swinish multitude in their debauches on patriotism and por- 
ter ; and it became an even chance whether Dabble would turn 
out a great man or a great drunkard. But Dabble in all this 
kept steadily in his eye the only deity he ever worshipped — his 
interest. Having by this familiarity ingratiated himself with 
the mob, he became wonderfully potent and industrious at 
elections ; knew all the dens and cellars of profligacy and in- 
temperance ; brought more negroes to the polls, and knew to a 
greater certainty where votes could be bought for beer, than 
any of his contemporaries. His exertions in the cause, his 
persevering industry, his degrading compliance, his unresist- 
ing humility, his steadfast dependence, at length caught the 
attention of one of the leaders of the party ; who was pleased 
to observe that Dabble was a very useful fellow, who would go 
all lengths. From that moment his fortune was made; — he 
was hand in glove with orators and slang-whaugers ; basked 
in the sunshine of great men's smiles, and had the honor, sun- 
dry times, of shaking hands with dignitaries, and drinking out 
of the same pot with them at a porter-house ! 

I will not fatigue myself with tracing this caterpillar in his 
slimy progress from worm to butterfly : suffice it that Dabble 
bowed and bowed, and fawned, and sneaked, and smirked, 
and libelled, until one would have thought perseverance itself 
would have settled down into despair. There was no knowing 
Low long he might have lingered at a distance from his hopes, 



202 SALMAGUNDI. 

had he not kickily got tarred and feathered for some of his 
electioneering manoeuvres ; — this was tlie making of him ! — 
Let not my readers stare ; — tarring and featlaeriug liere is 
equal to pillory and cropped ears in English ; and either of 
these kinds of martyrdom will insure a patriot the sympathy 
and support of his faction. His partisans, for even he had his 
partisans, took Iiis case into consideration; — he had been 
kicked and cuffed, and disgraced, and dishonored in the cause ; 
— he had licked the dust at the feet of the mob ; — he was a 
faithful drudge, slow to anger, of invincible patience, of in- 
cessant assiduity ; — a thorough-going tool, who could be 
curbed, and spurred and directed at pleasure ; — in short, he 
had all the important qualifications for a little great man, and 
he was accordingly ushered into office amid the acclamations of 
the party. The leading men complimented his usefulness, the 
multitude his republican simplicity, and the slang-whaugers 
vouched for his patriotism. Since his elevation he has dis- 
covered indubitable signs of having been destined for a great 
man. His nose has acquired an additional elevation of several 
degrees, so that now he appears to have bidden adieu to this 
world and to have set his thoughts altogether on things above ; 
and he has swelled and inflated himself to such a degree, that 
his friends are under apprehensions that he will cue day or 
other explode and blow up like a torpedo. 



8 ALMA G UNDI. 203 



NO. XVI. -THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1807. 



STYLE AT BALLSTON. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Notwithstanding Evergreen has never been abroad, nor had 
his understanding enlightened, or his views enlarged by that 
marvellous sharpener of the wits, a salt-water voyage ; yet he 
is tolerably shrewd, and correct, in the limited sphere of his 
observations ; and now and then astounds me with a right pithy 
remark, which would do no discredit even to a man who had 
made the grand tour. 

In several late conversations at Cockloft Hall, he has amused 
us exceedingly by detailing sundry particulars concerning that 
notorious slaughter-house of time, Ballston Springs ; where he 
spent a considerable part of the last summer. The following 
is a summary of his observations. 

Pleasure has passed through a variety of significations at 
Ballston. It originally meant nothing more than a relief from 
pain and sickness ; and the patient who had journeyed many 
a weary mile to the Springs, with a heavy heart and emaciated 
form, called it pleasure when he threw by his crutches, and 
danced away from them with renovated spirits and limbs 
jocund with vigor. In process of time pleasure underwent a 
refinement, and appeared in the likeness of a sober, unceremo- 
nious country-dance, to the flute of an amateur or the three- 
stringed fiddle of an itinerant country musician. — Still every 
thing bespoke that happy holiday which the spirits ever enjoy, 
when emancipated from the shackles of formality, ceremony, 
and modern politeness : things went on cheerily, and Ballston 
was pronounced a charming, hum-drum, careless place of re- 
sort, where every one was at his ease, and might follow unmo- 
lested the bent of his humor — provided his wife was not 
there ; — when, lo ! all on a sudden Style made its baneful ap- 
pearance in the semblance of a gig and tandem, a pair of 
leather breeches, a liveried footman, and a cockney ! — since 



204 SALMAGUNDI. 

that fatal era pleasure has taken an entire new signification, 
and at present means notliing bat style. 

The worthy, fashionable, dashing, good-for-nothing people of 
every state, who had rather suffer the martyrdom of a crowd 
than endure the monotony of their own homes and the stupid 
company of their own thoughts, flock to the Springs ; not to 
enjoy the pleasures of society or benefit by the qualities of the 
waters, but to exhibit their equipages and wardrobes, and to 
excite the admiration, or what is much more satisfactory, the 
envy of their fashionable competitors. This, of course, awakens 
a spirit of noble emulation between the eastern, middle, and 
southern states ; and every lady hereupon finding herself 
charged in a manner with the whole weight of her country's 
dignity and style, dresses and dashes and sparkles without 
mercy at her competitors from other parts of the Union. This 
kind of rivalship naturally requires a vast deal of preparation 
and prodigious quantities of supplies. A sober citizen's wife 
will break half a dozen milliners' shops, and sometimes starve 
her family a whole season, to enable herself to make the 
Springs campaign in style. — She repairs to the seat of war 
with a mighty force of trunks and bandboxes, like so many 
ammunition chests, filled with caps, hats, gowns, ribbons, 
shawls, and all the various artillery of fashionable warfare. 
The lady of a southern planter will lay out the whole annual 
produce of a rice plantation in silver and gold muslins, lace 
veils, and new liveries ; carry a hogshead of tobacco on her 
head, and trail a bale of sea- island cotton at her heels, while 
a lady of Boston or Salem will wrap herself up in the net pro- 
ceeds of a cargo of whale-oil, and tie on her hat with a quintal 
of codfish. 

The planters' ladies, however, have generally the advantage 
in this contest ; for, as it is an incontestable fact, that whoever 
comes from the West or East Indies, or Georgia, or the Caro- 
linas, or, in fact, any warm climate, is immensely rich, it can- 
not be expected that a simple cit of the north can cope with 
them in style. The planter, therefore, who drives four horses 
abroad and a thousand negroes at home, and who flourishes up 
to the Springs, followed by half a score of black-a-moprs in 
gorgeous liveries, is unquestionably superior to the northern 
merchant, who plods on in a carriage and pair; which, being 
nothing more than is quite necessary, has no claim whatever 
to style. He, however, has his consolation in feeling superior 
to the honest cit who dashes about in a simple gig : — he, in re- 
turn, sneers at the country squire, who jogs along with his 



SALMAGUNDI. 205 

scrubby, long-eared pony and saddle-^ags ; and the squire, by 
way of taking satisfaction, would make no scruple to run over 
the unobtrusive pedestrian, were it not that the last being the 
most independent of the whole, might chance to break his head 
by way of retort. 

The great misfortune is, that this stj'le is supported at such 
an expense as sometimes to encroach on the rights and privi- 
leges of the pocket, and occasion very awkward embarrass- 
ments to the tyro of fashion. Among a number of instances, 
Evergreen mentions the fate of a dashing blade from the south, 
who made his entree with a tandem and two out-riders, by the 
aid of which he attracted the attention of all the ladies, and 
caused a coolness between several young couples, who, it was 
thought, before his arrival, had a considerable kindness for 
■each other. In the course of a fortnight his tandem disap- 
peared ! — the class of good folk who seem to have nothing to 
do in this world but to prj- into other people's affairs, began to 
stare ! — in a little time longer an outrider was missing ! — this 
increased the alarm, and it was consequently whispered that he 
had eaten the horses and drank the negro. — N.B. Southern 
gentlemen are very apt to do this on an emergency. — Serious 
apprehensions were entertained about the fate of the remaining 
servant, which were soon verified by his actually vanishing ; 
and, in "one little month," the dashing Carolinian modestly 
took his departure in the stage-coach ! — universally regretted 
by the friends who had generously released him from his cum- 
brous load of style. 

Evergreen, in the course of his detail, gave very melancholy 
accounts of an alarming famine which raged with great vio- 
lence at the Springs. Whether this was owing to the incredi- 
ble appetites of the company, or the scarcity which prevailed 
at the inns, he did not seem inclined to say ; but he declares 
that he was for several days in imminent danger of starvation, 
owing to his being a little too dilatory in his attendance at the 
dinner-table. He relates a number of "moving accidents" 
which befell many of the polite company* in their zeal to get a 
good seat at dinner ; on which occasion a kind of scrub-race 
always took place, wherein a vast deal of jockeying and unfair 
play was shown, and a variety of squabbles and unseemly 
altercations occurred. But when arrived at the scene of action, 
it was truly an awful sight to behold the confusion, and to hear 
the tumultuous uproar of voices crying, some for one thing 
and some for another, to the tuneful accompaniment of knives 
and forks, rattling with all the energy of hungry impatience. 



206 ' SALMAGUNDI. 

— The feast of the Centaurs and the Lapithae was nothing 
when compared with a dinner at the great house. At one time 
an old gentleman, whose natural irascibility was a little sharp- 
ened by the gout, had scalded his throat by gobbling down a 
bowl of hot soup in a vast hurry, in order to secure the first 
fruits of a roasted partridge before it was snapped up by some 
hungry rival ; when, just as he was whetting his knife and 
fork, preparatory for a descent ou the promised land, he had 
the mortification to see it transferred bodily to the plate of a 
squeamish little damsel who was taking the waters for debilit}'' 
and loss of appetite. This was too much for the patience of 
old crusty ; he lodged his fork into the partridge, whipt it into 
his dish, and cutting off a wing of it, — "There, Miss, there's 
more than you can eat. — Oons ! what should such a little chalky- 
faced puppet as you do with a whole partridge ! " — At another 
time a mighty, sweet-disposed old dowager, who loomed most 
magnificently at the table, had a sauce-boat launched upon the 
capacious lap of a silver-sprigged muslin gown by the ma- 
noeuvring of a little politic Frenchman, who was dexterously at- 
tempting to make a lodgement under the covered way of a 
chicken-pie ; — human nature could not bear it ! — the lady 
bounced round, and, with one box on the ear, drove the luck- 
less wight to utter annihilation. 

But these little cross accidents are amply compensated by 
the great variety of amusements which abound at this charm- 
ing resort of beauty and fashion. In the morning the com- 
pany, each like a jolly Bacchanalian with glass in hand, sally 
forth to the Springs : where the gentlemen, who wish to make 
themselves agreeable, have an opportunity of dipping them- 
selves into the good opinion of the ladies : and it is truly de- 
lectable to see with what grace and adroitness they perform 
this ingratiating feat. Anthony says that it is peculiarly 
amazing to behold the quantity of water the ladies drink ou 
this occasion for the purpose of getting an appetite for break- 
fast. He assures me he has been present when a young lady 
of unparalleled delicacy tossed off in the space of a minute or 
two one and twenty tumblers and a wine-glass full. On my 
asking Anthony whether the solicitude of the by-standers was 
not greatly awakened as to what might be the effects of this 
debauch, he replied that the ladies at Ballston had become such 
great sticklers for the doctrine of evaporation, that no gentle- 
man ever ventured to remonstrate against this excessive drink- 
ing for fear of bringing his philosophy into contempt. The most 
notorious water-drinkers in particular were continually holding 



SALMAGUNDI. 207 

forth on the surprising aptitude with which the Ballston waters 
evaporated; and several gentlemen, who had the hardihood to 
question this female philosophy, were held in high displeasure. 

After breakfast every one chooses his amusement ; — some 
take a ride into the pine woods and enjoy the varied and ro- 
mantic scenery of burnt trees, post and rail fences, pine flats, 
potato patches, and log huts ; — others scramble up the sur- 
rounding sand-hills, that look like the abodes of a gigantic race 
of ants ; — take a peep at the other sand-hills beyond them ; — 
and then — come down again : others, who are romantic, and 
sundry young ladies insist upon being so whenever they visit 
the Springs, or go anywhere into the country, stroll along the 
borders of a little swampy brook that drags itself along like 
an Alexandrine ; and that so lazily as not to make a single 
murmur ; — watching the little tadpoles as they frolic, right 
flippantly, in the muddy stream ; and listening to the inspiring 
melody of the harmonious frogs that croak upon its borders. 
Some play at billiards, some play at the fiddle, and some — 
play the fool ; — the latter being the most prevalent amusement 
at Ballston. 

These, together with abundance of dancing, and a prodigious 
deal of sleeping of afternoons, make up the variety of pleasures 
at the Springs ; — a delicious life of alternate lassitude and 
fatigue ; of laborious dissipation and listless idleness ; of sleep- 
less nights, and days spent in that dozing insensibility which 
ever succeeds them. Now and then, indeed, the influenza, the 
fever-and-ague, or some such pale-faced intruder, may happen 
to throw a momentary damp on the general felicity ; but on the 
whole. Evergreen declares that Ballston wants only six things, 
to wit: good air, good wine, good living, good beds, good com- 
pany, and good humor, to be the most enchanting place in the 

world ; excepting Botauy Bay, Mosquito Cove, Dismal 

Swamp, and the Black Hole at Calcutta. 



The following letter from the sage Mustapha has cost us 
more trouble to decipher and render into tolerable English than 
any hitherto published. It was full of blots and erasures, 
particularly the latter part, which we have no doubt was 
penned in a moment of great wrath and indignation. Mus- 
tapha has often a rambling mode of writing, and his thoughts 
take such unaccountable turns that it is difficult to tell one 
moment where he will lead you the next. This is particularly 



208 SALMAGUNDI. 

obvious in the commencement of his letters, which seldom bear 
much analogy to the subsequent parts; — he sets off with a 
flourish, like a dramatic hero, — assumes an air of great pom- 
posity, and struts up to his subject mounted most loftily on 
stilts. 

L. LATs^GSTAFF. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI-KHAN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Among the variety of principles by which mankind are actu- 
ated, there is one, my dear Asem, which I scarcely know 
whether to consider as springing from grandeur and nobility of 
mind, or from a refined species of vanity and egotism. It is 
that singular, although almost universal, desire of living in the 
memory of posterity ; of occupying a share of the world's at- 
tention when we shall long since have ceased to be susceptible 
either of its praise or censure. Most of the passions of the 
mind are bounded by the grave ; — sometimes, indeed, an anx- 
ious hope or trembling fear will venture beyond the clouds and 
darkness that rest upon our mortal horizon, and expatiate in 
boundless futurity ; but it is only this active love of fame which 
steadily contemplates its fruition m the applause or gratitude 
of future ages. Indignant at the narrow limits which circum- 
scribe existence, ambition is forever struggling to soar beyond 
tliem ; — to triumph over space and time, and to bear a name, 
at least, above the inevitable oblivion in which every thing else 
that concerns us must be involved. It is this, my friend, which 
prompts the patriot to his most heroic achievements ; which 
inspires the sublimest strains of the poet, and In-eathes ethereal 
fire into the productions of the painter and the statuary. 

For this the monarch rears the lofty column ; the laurelled 
conqueror claims the triumphal arch ; while the obscure indi- 
vidual, who moved in an humbler sphere, asks but a plain 
and simple stone to mark his grave and bear to the next gen- 
eration this important truth, that he was born, died — and was 
buried. It was this passion which once erected the vast Nu- 
midian piles, whose ruins we have so often regarded with won- 
der, as the shades of evening — fit emblems of oblivion — 
gradually stole over and enveloped them in darkness. — It was 
this which gave being to those sublime monuments of Saracen 



SALMAGUNDI. 209 

magnificence, which nod in mouldering desolation, as the blast 

sweeps over our deserted plains. How futile are all our 

effoi'ts to evade the obliterating hand of time ! As I traversed 
the dreary wastes of Egypt, on my journey to Grand Cairo, I 
stopped my camel for a while and contemplated, in awful ad- 
miration, the stupendous pyramids. — An appalling silence pre- 
vailed arouud ; such as reigns in the wilderness when the tem- 
pest is hushed aud the beasts of pre}' have retired to their dens. 
The myriads that had once been employed in rearing these lofty 
mementos of human vanity, whose busy hum once enlivened the 
solitude of the desert, — had all been swept from the earth by 
the irresistible arm of death : — all were mingled with their na- 
tive dust ; — all were forgotten ! Even the mighty names which 
these sepulchres were designed to perpetuate had long since 
faded from remembrance ; history and tradition afforded but 
vague conjectures, and the pyramids imparted a humiliating 

lesson to the candidate for immortality. Alas ! alas ! said 

I to myself, how mutable are the foundations on which our 
proudest hopes of future fame are reposed ! He who imagines 
he has secured to himself the meed of deathless renown, in- 
dulges in deluding visions, which only bespeak the vanity of 
the dreamer. The storied obelisk, — the triumphal arch, — the 
swelling dome, shall crumble into dust, and the names they 
would preserve from oblivion shall often pass away before their 
own duration is accomplished. 

Yet this passion for fame, however ridiculous in the eye of 
the philosopher, deserves respect and consideration, from hav- 
ing been the soui^ce of so many illustrious actions ; and hence 
it has been the practice in all enlightened governments to per- 
petuate, by monuments, the memory of great men, as a testi- 
mony of respect for the illustrious dead, and to awaken in the 
bosoms of posterity an emulation to merit the same honorable 
distinction. The people of the American logocracy, who pride 
themselves upon improving on ever}' precept or example of 
ancient or modern governments, have discovered a new mode 
of exciting this love of glory ; a mode by which they do honor 
to their great men, even in their lifetime ! 

Thou must have observed b}' this time that they manage 
every thing in a manner peculiar to themselves ; and doubtless 
in the best possible manner, seeing they have denominated 
themselves " the most enlightened people under the sun." 
Thou wilt therefore, perhaps, be curious to know how they con- 
trive to honor the name of a living patriot, and what un-heard- 
of monument they erect in memory of his achievements. — By 



210 SALMAGUNDI. 

the fiery beard of the mighty Barbarossa, but I can scarcely 
preserve the sobriety of a true disciple of Mahomet while I 
tell thee ! — wilt thou not smile, O Mussulman of invincible 
gravity, to learn that they honor their great men by eating, and 
and that the only trophy erected to their exploits is a public 
dinner! But, trust me, Asem, even in this measure, whimsi- 
cal as it may seem, the philosophic and considerate spirit of 
this people is admirably displayed. Wisely concluding that 
when the hero is dead he becomes insensible to the voice of 
fame, the song of adulation, or the splendid trophy, they 
have determined that he shall enjoy his quantum of celeb- 
rity while living, and revel in the full enjoyment of a nine- 
day's immortality. The barbarous nations of antiquity immo- 
lated human victims to the memory of their lamented dead, but 
the enlightened Americans offer up whole hecatombs of geese 
and calves, and oceans of wine, in honor of the illustrious liv- 
ing ; and the patriot has the felicity of hearing from every 
quarter the vast exploits in gluttony and revelling that have 
been celebrated to the glory of his name. 

No sooner does a citizen signalize himself in a conspicuous 
manner in the service of his country, than all the gourmandizers 
assemble and discharge the national debt of gratitude — by giv- 
ing him a dinner ; — not that he really receives all the luxuries 
provided on this occasion ; — no, my friend, it is ten chances to 
one that the great man does not taste a morsel from the table, 
and is, perhaps, five hundred miles distant ; and, to let thee into 
a melancholy fact, a patriot under this economic government, 
may be often in want of a dinner, while dozens are devoured in 
his praise. Neither are these repasts spread out for the hun- 
gry and necessitous, who might otherwise be filled with food 
and gladness, and Inspired to shout forth the illustrious name, 
which had been the means of their enjoyment ; — far from this, 
Asem ; it is the rich only who indulge in the banquet ; — those 
who pa}' for the dainties are alone privileged to enjoy them ; 
so that, while opening their purses in honor of the patriot, they 
at the same time fulfil a great maxim, which in this country 
comprehends all the rules of prudence, and all the duties a 
man owes to himself ; — namely, getting the worth of their 
money. 

In process of time this mode of testifying public applause has 
been found so marvellously agreeable, that they extend it to 
events as well as characters, and eat in triumph at the news of 
a treaty, — at the anniversary of any grand national era, or at 
the gaining of that splendid victory of the tongue — an election. 



SALMAGUNDI. 211 

— Nay, so far do they carry it, that certain days are set apart 
when the guzzlers, the gourmandizers, and the wine-bibbers, 
meet together to celebrate a grand indigestion, in memory of 
some great event ; and every man in the zeal of patriotism gets 
devoutly drunk — "as the act directs." Then, my friend, 
maycst thou behold the sublime spectacle of love of country, 
elevating itself from a sentiment into an appetite, vphetted to 
the quick with the cheering prospect of tables loaded with the 
fat things of the land. On this occasion every man is anxious 
to fall to work, cram himself in honor of the day, and risk a 
surfeit in the glorious cause. Some, I have been told, actually 
fast for four and twenty hours precediug, that they may be en- 
abled to do greater honor to the feast ; and certainly, if eating 
and drinking are patriotic rites, he who eats and drinks most, 
and proves himself the greatest glutton, is, undoubtedly, the 
most distinguished patriot. Such, at any rate, seems to be 
the opinion here, and they act up to it so rigidly, that by the time 
it is dark, every kennel in the neighborhood teems with illustri- 
ous members of the sovereign people, wallowing in their con- 
genial element of mud and mire. 

These patriotic feasts, or rather national monuments, are pat- 
ronized and promoted b}' certain inferior cadis, called Alder- 
MEX, who are commonly complimented with their direction. 
These dignitaries, as far as I can learn, are generally appointed 
on account of their great talents for eating, a qualification pecu- 
liarly necessary in the discharge of their official duties. They 
hold frequent meetings at taverns and hotels, where they enter 
into solemn consultations for the benefit of lobsters and turtles ; 

— establish wholesome regulations for the safety and preserva- 
tion of fish and wild-fowl ; — appoint the seasons most proper 
for eating oysters ; — inquire into the economy of taverns, the 
characters of publicans, and the abilities of their cooks ; and 
discuss, most learnedly, the merits of a bowl of soup, a chicken- 
pie, or a haunch of venison : in a word, the alderman has abso- 
lute control in all matters of eating, and superiutends the whole 
police — of the belly. Having, in the prosecution of their im- 
portant oflfice, signalized themselves at so many public festivals ; 
having gorged so often on patriotism and pudding, and entombed 
so many great names in their extensive maws, thou wilt easily 
conceive that they wax porth' apace, that they fatten on the 
fame of mighty men, and that their rotundity, like the rivers, 
the lakes, and the mountains of their country, must be on a 
great scale ! Even, so, my friend ; and when I sometimes see 
a portly alderman, puflSng along, and swelling as if he had the 



212 SALMAGUNDI. 

world under his waistcoat, I cannot help looking upon him as a 
walking monument, and am often ready to exclaim — "Tell 
me, thou majestic mortal, thou breathing catacomb! — to what 
illustrious character, what mighty event, does that capacious 
carcass of thine bear testimony?" 

But though the enlightened citizens of this logocracy eat in 
honor of their friends, yet they drink destruction to their ene- 
mies. — Yea, Asem, woe unto those who are doomed to undergo 
the public vengeance, at a public dinner. No sooner are the 
viands removed, than the}' prepare for merciless and exterminat- 
ing hostilities. They drink the intoxicating juice of the grape, 
out of little glass cups, and over each draught pronounce a 
short sentence or prayer ; — not such a prayer as thy virtuous 
heart would dictate, thy pious lips give utterance to, my good 
Asem; — not a tribute of thanks to all bountiful Allah, nor a 
humble supplication for his blessing on the draught ; — no, my 
friend, it is merely a toast, that is to say, a fulsome tribute of 
flattei-y to their demagogues ; — a labored sally of affected sen- 
timent or national egotism ; or, what is more despicable, a male- 
diction on their enemies, an empty threat of vengeance, or a 
petition for their destruction ; for toasts, thou must know, are 
another kind of missive weapon in a logocracy, and are levelled 
from afar, like the annoying arrows of the Tartars. 

Oh, Asem ! couldst thou but witness one of these patriotic, 
these monumental dinners ; how furiously the flame of patriot- 
ism blazes forth ; — how suddenly the}' vanquish armies, subju- 
gate whole countries, and exterminate nations in a bumper, 
thou wouldst more than ever admire the force of that omnipo- 
tent weapon, the tongue. At these moments every coward 
becomes a hero, every ragamufHu an invincible warrior ; and 
the most zealous votaries of peace and quiet, forget, for a 
while, their cherished maxims, and join in the furious attack. 
Toast succeeds toast ; — kings, emperors, bashaws, are like chaff 
before the tempest ; the inspired patriot vanquishes fleets with 
a single gunboat, and swallows down navies at a draught, un- 
til, overpowered with victory and wine, he sinks upon the field 
of battle — dead drunk in his country's cause. — Sword of the 
puissant Khalid ! what a display of vi;Jor is here ! — the sons of 
Afric are hardy, brave, and enterprising, but they can achieve 
nothing like this. 

Happy would it be if this mania for toasting extended no 
farther than to the expression of national resentment. Though 
we might smile at the impotent vaporing and windy hyperbole, 
by which it is distinguished, yet we would excuse it, as the 



SALMAGUNDI. 213 

ungunrded overflowings of a heart glowing with national inju- 
ries, and indigjiant at the insults offered to its country. But 
alas, my friend, private resentment, individual hatred, and the 
illiberal spirit of party, are let loose on these festive occasions. 
Even the names of individuals, of unoffending fellow-citizens, 
are sometimes dragged forth to undergo the slanders and exe- 
crations of a distempered herd of revellers.^ — Head of Maho- 
met ! how vindictive, how insatiably vindictive must be that 
spirit which can drug the mantling bowl with gall and bitterness, 
and indulge an angry passion in the moment of rejoicing ! — 
" Wine," says their poet, "• is like sunshine to the iieart, which 
under its generous influence expands the good-will, and becomes 
the very temi)le of philanthropy." — Strange, that in a temple 
consecrated to such a divinity, there should remain a secret 
corner, polluted by the lurkings of malice and revenge ; strange, 
that in the full flow of social enjoyment, these votaries of 
pleasure can turn aside to call down curses on the head of a 
fellow-creature. Despicable souls ! ye are unworthy of being 
citizens of this " most enlightened country under the sun : " — 
rather herd with the murderous savages who prowl the moun- 
tains of Tibesti ; who stain their midnight orgies with the blood 
of the innocent wanderer, and drink their infernal potations 
from the skulls of the victims they have massacred. 

And yet, trust me, Asem, this spirit of vindictive cowardice 
is not owing to any inherent depravit}' of soul, for, on other 
occasions, I have had ample proof that this nation is mild and 
merciful, l)rave and magnanimous ; — neither is it owing to any 
defect in their political or rehgious precepts. The princii)les 
inculcated by their rulers, on all occasions, breathe a spirit of 
universal philanthropy ; and as to their religion, much as I am 
devoted to the Koran of our divine prophet, still I cannot but 
acknowledge with admiration the mild forbearance, the amiable 
benevolence, the sublime morality bequeathed them by the 
founder of their faith. — Thou rememberest the doctrines of the 
mild Nazarene, who preached peace and good-will to all man- 
kind ; who, when he was reviled, reviled not again ; who blessed 
those who cursed him, and praj-ed for those who despite fully 

NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 
' It woulfl seem that in this sentence, the Sage Mustapha had reference to a patriotic 
dinner, celebrated last fourth of July, by some gentlemen of Baltimore, when they 
righteously drank perdition to an unoffending individual, and really thought " they had 
done the state some service." This amiable custom of " eating and drinking damna- 
tion " to others, is not confined to any party : — for a month or two after the fourth of 
July, the different newspapers fire off their columns of patriotic toasts against each other, 
and take a pride in showing how brilliantly their partisans can blackguard public char- 
acters in their cups — " they do but jest — poison in jest," as Hamlet says. 



214 SALMAGUNDI. 

used and persecuted him ! What, then, can give rise to this 
uncharitable, this inhuman custom among the disciples of a 
master so gentle and forgiving? — It is that fiend politics, 
Asem — that baneful fiend, which bewildereth every brain, and 
poisons every social feeling ; which intrudes itself at the festive 
banquet, and, like the detestable harp}', pollutes the verj- viands 
of the table ; which contaminates the refreshing draught while 
it is inhaled ; which prompts the cowardly assassin to launch his 
poisoned arrows from behind the social board ; and which ren- 
ders the bottle, that boasted promoter of good fellowship and 
hilarity, an infernal engine, charged with direful combustion. 

Oh. Asem ! Asem ! how does my heart sicken when I con- 
template these cowardly barbarities? Let me, therefore, if pos- 
sible, withdraw my attention from them forever. My feelings 
have borne me from my subject ; and from the monuments of 
ancient greatness, I have wandered to those of modern degra- 
dation. My warmest wishes remain with thee, thou most illus- 
trious of slave-drivers ; mayest thou ever be sensible of the 
mercies of our great prophet, who, in compassion to human im- 
becility, has prohibited his disciples from the use of the delud- 
ing beverage of the grape ; — that enemy to reason — that pro- 
moter of defamation — that auxiliary of politics. 
Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



SALMAGUNDI. 215 



NO. XVIL-- WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1807. 



AUTUMNAL REFLECTIONS. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

When a man is quietly journeying downwards into the val- 
ley of the shadow of departed youth, and begins to contem- 
plate, in a shortened perspective, the end of his pilgrimage, he 
becomes more solicitous than ever that the remainder of his 
wayfaring should be smooth and pleasant ; and the evening of 
his life, like the evening of a summer's day, fade away in mild 
uninterrupted serenity. If happily his heart has escaped unin- 
jured through the dangers of a seductive world, it may then 
administer to the purest of his felicities, and its chords vibrate 
more musically for the trials they have sustained; — like the 
viol, which yields a melody sweet in proportion to its age. 

To a mind thus temperately harmonized, thus matured and 
mellowed by a long lapse of years, there is something truly 
congenial in the quiet enjoyment of our early autumn, amid 
the tranquillities of the country. There is a sober and chas- 
tened air of gayety diffused over the face of nature, peculiarly 
interesting to an old man ; and when he views the surrounding 
landscape withering under his eye, it seems as if he and nature 
were taking a last farewell of each other, and parting with a 
melancholy smile ; like a couple of old friends, who having 
sported away the spring and summer of life together, part at 
the approach of winter with a kind of prophetic fear that they 
are never to meet again. 

It is either my good fortune or mishap to be keenly suscep- 
tible to the influence of the atmosphere ; and I can feel in the 
morning, before 1 open my window, whether the wind is east- 
erly. It will not, therefore, I presume, be considered an extrav- 
agant instance of vainglory when I assert that there are few 
men who can discriminate more accurately in the different varie- 
ties of damps, fogs, Scotch mists, and north-east storms, than 
myself. To the great discredit of my philosophy I confess I 



216 SALMAGUNDI. 

seldom fail to anathematize and excommunicate the weather, 
when it sports too rudely with my sensitive system ; but then 1 
always endeavor to atone therefor, by eulogizing it when 
deserving of approbation. And as most of ray readers — simple 
folks ! make Ijut one distinction, to wit, rain and sunshine ; 

— living in most honest ignorance of the various nice shades 
which distinguish one fine day from another, I take tlie trouble, 
from time to time, of letting them into some of the secrets 
of nature; — so will they be the better enabled to enjoy her 
beauties, with the zest of connoisseurs, and derive at least as 
much information from my pages, as from the weather-wise 
bore of the almanac. 

Much of my recreation since I retreated to the Hall, has 
consisted in making little excursions through the neighborhood ; 
which abounds in the variety of wild, romantic, and luxuriant 
landscape that generally characterizes the scenery in the vicin- 
ity of our rivers. There is not an eminence within a circuit of 
many miles but commands an extensive range of diversified and 
enchanting prospect. 

Ofteu have I rambled to the summit of some favorite hill ; 
and thence, with feelings sweetly tranquil as the lucid expanse 
of the heavens that canopied me, have noted the slow and 
almost imperceptible changes that mark the waning year. 
There are many features peculiar to our autumn, and which 
give it an individual character. The " green and yellow mel- 
ancholy " that first steals over the landscape; — the mild and 
steady serenity of the weather, and the transparent purity of 
the atmosphere, speak, not merely to the senses, but the heart ; 

— it is the season of liberal emotions. To this succeeds fantas- 
tic gayety, a motley dress, which the woods assume, where 
green and yellow, orange, purple, crimson, and scarlet, are 
whimsically blended together. A sickly splendor this ! — like 
the wild and broken-hearted gayety that sometimes precedes 
dissolution; — or that childish sportiveness of superannuated 
age, proceeding, not from a vigorous flow of animal si)irits, but 
from the decay and imbecility of the mind. We might, per- 
haps, be deceived b}' this gaudy garb of nature, were it not for 
the rustling of the fallen leaf, which, breaking on the stillness 
of the scene, seems to announce, in prophetic whispers, the 
dreary winter that is approaching. When I have sometimes 
seen a thrifty young oak changing its hue of sturdy vigor for a 
bright, but transient, glow of red, it has recalled to my mind 
the treacherous bloom that once mantled the cheek of a friend 
who is now no more ; and which, while it seemed to promise a 



-S^ LMA G UN 1)1. 217 

long life of jocund spirits, was the sure precursor of premature 
decay. In a little while and this ostentatious foliage dis- 
appears ; the close of autumn leaves but one wide expanse of 
dusky brown ; save where some rivulet steals along, bordered 
with little strips of green grass ; — the woodland echoes no more 
to the cai'ols of the feathered tribes that sported in the leafy 
covert, and its solitude and silence is uninterrupted, except by 
the plaintive whistle of the quail, the barking of the squirrel, 
or the still more melancholy wintry wind, which, rushing and 
swelling through the hollows of the mountains, sighs through 
the leafless branches of the grove, and seems to mourn the 
desolation of the year. 

To one who, like myself, is fond of drawing comparisons 
between the different divisions of life, and those of the seasons, 
there will appear a striking analogy which connects the feel- 
ings of the aged with the decline of the year. Often as I con- 
template the mild, uniform, and genial lustre with which the 
sun cheers and invigorates us in the month of October, and 
the almost imperceptible haze which, without obscuring, tem- 
pers all the asperities of the landscape, and gives to every 
object a character of stillness and repose, I cannot help com- 
paring it with that portion of existence, when the spring of 
youthful hope, and the summer of the passions have gone by, 
reason assumes an undisputed sway, and lights us on with 
bright but uudazzling lustre adown the hill of life. There is a 
full and mature luxuriance in the fields that fills the bosom with 
generous and disinterested content. It is not the thoughtless 
extravagance of spring, prodigal only in blossoms, nor the 
languid voluptuousness of summer, feverish in its enjoyments, 
and teeming only with immature abundance ; — it is that cer- 
tain fruition of the labors of the i)ast — that prospect of com- 
fortable realities, which those will be sure to enjoy who have 
improved the bounteous smiles of heaven, nor wasted away 
their spring and summer in empty trifling or criminal indul- 
gence. 

Cousin Pindar, who is my constant companion in these ex- 
peditions, and who still possesses much of the fire and energy of 
youthful sentiment, and a Inixom hilarity of the spirits, often, 
indeed, draws me from these half-melancholy reveries, and 
makes me feel young again by the enthusiasm with which he 
contemplates, and the animation with which he eulogizes the 
beauties of nature displayed before him. His enthusiastic dis- 
position never allows him to enjoy things by halves, and his 
feelings are continually breaking out in notes of admiration 



218 SALMAGUNDI. 

and ejaculations that sober reason might perhrips deem ex- 
travagant : — But for my part, when 1 see a hale, hearty old 
man, who has jostled through the rough path of the world, 
without having worn away the fine edge of his feelings, or 
blunted his sensibility to natural and moral beauty, I compare 
him to the evergreen of the forest, whose colors, instead of 
fadiug at the approach of winter, seem to assume additional 
lustre when contrasted with the surrounding desolation ; — such 
a man is my friend Pindar ; — yet sometimes, and particularly 
at the approach of evening, even he will fall in with my humor ; 
but he soon recovers his natural tone of spirits : and, mount- 
ing on the elasticity of his mind, like Ganymede on the eagle's 
wing, he soars to the ethereal regions of sunshine and fancy. 

One afternoon we had strolled to the top of a high hill in the 
neighborhood of the Hall, which commands an almost bound- 
less prospect ; and as the shadows began to lengthen around us, 
and the distant mountains to fade into mists, my cousin was 
seized with a moralizing fit. " It seems to me," said he, laying 
his hand lightly on my shoulder, "that there is just at this 
season, and this hour, a sympathy between us and the world 
we are now contemplating. The evening is stealing upon 
nature as well as upon us ; — the shadows of the opening day 
have given place to those of its close ; and the only difference 
is, that in the morning they were before us, now they are be- 
hind ; and that the first vanished in the splendors of noonday, 
the latter will be lost in the oblivion of night; — our ' May of 
life,' my dear Launce, has forever fled; and our summer is 

over and gone: but," continued he, suddenly recovering 

himself and slapping me gayl}- on the shoulder, — "but why 
should we repine ? — what though the capricious zephyrs of 
spring, the heats and hurricanes of summer, have given place 
to the sober sunshine of autumn ! — and though the woods begin 
to assume the dappled livery of deca}- ! — yet the prevailing 
color is still green : — gay, sprightly green. 

" Let us, then, comfort ourselves with this reflection ; that 
though the shades of the morning have given place to those of 
the evening, — though the spring is past, the summer over, and 
the autumn come, — still 3'ou and I go on our way rejoicing ; — 
and while, like the lofty mountains of our southern America, 
our heads are covered with snow, still, like them, we feel 
the genial warmth of spring and summer playing upon our 
bosoms." 



SALMA G UNDI. 21 9 



BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

In the description which I gave, some time since, of Cock- 
loft Hall, I totally forgot to make honorable mention of the 
library ; which I confess was a most inexcusable oversight ; for 
in truth it would bear a comparison, in point of usefulness and 
eccentricity, with the motley collection of the renowned hero of 
La Mancha. 

It was chiefly gathered together by my grandfather ; who 
spared neither pains nor expense to procure specimens of the 
oldest, most quaint, and insufferable books in the whole com- 
pass of English, Scotch, and Irish literature. There is a 
tradition in the family that the old gentleman once gave a 
grand entertainment in consequence of having got possession 
of a copy of a philippic, by Archbishop Auselm, against the 
unseemly luxury of long-toed shoes, as worn by the courtiers 
in the time of William Rufus, which he purchased of an honest 
brickmaker in the neighborhood, for a little less than forty 
times its value. He had undoubtedly a singular reverence for 
old authors, and his highest eulogium on his library was, that 
it consisted of books not to be met with in any other collection ; 
and, as the phrase is, entirely out of print. The reason of 
which was, I suppose, that they were not worthy of being re- 
printed. 

Cousin Christopher preserves these relics with great care, 
and has added considerably to the collection ; for with the hall 
he has inherited almost all the whim-whams of its former pos- 
sessor. He cherishes a reverential regard for ponderous tomes 
of Greek and Latin ; though he knows about as much of these 
languages as a young bachelor of arts does a year or two after 
leaving college. A worm-eaten work in eight or ten volumes 
he compares to an old family, more respectable for its antiquity 
than its splendor ; — a lumbering folio he considers as a duke ; 
— a sturdy quarto, as an earl ; and a row of gilded duodecimos, 
as so many gallant knights of the garter. But as to modern 
works of literature, they are thrust into trunks and drawers, 
as intruding upstarts, and regarded with as much contempt as 
mushroom nobility in England ; who, having risen to grandeur, 
merely by their talents and services, are regarded as utterly 
unworthy to mingle their blood with those noble currents that 
can be traced without a single contamination through a long 
line of, perhaps, useless and profligate ancestors, up to William 



220 SAL MA G UN 1)1. 

the bastard's cook, or butler, or groom, or some one of Rollo's 
freebooters. 

Will Wizard, whose studies are of a most uncommon com- 
plexion, takes great delight in ransacking the library ; and has 
been, during his late sojournings at the hall, very constant and 
devout in his visits to this receptacle of obsolete learning. He 
seemed particularly tickled with the contents of the great 
mahogany chest of drawers mentioned in the beginning of this 
work. This venerable piece of architecture has frowned, in 
sullen majesty, from a corner of the library, time out of mind ; 
and is tilled with musty manuscripts, some in my grandfather's 
handwriting, and others evidently written long before his day. 

It was a sight, worth}^ of a man's seeing, to behold Will with 
his outlandish phiz poring over old scrawls that would puzzle 
a whole society of antiquarians to expound, and diving into 
receptacles of trumpery, which, for a century past, had been 
undisturbed by mortal hand. He would sit for whole hours, 
with a phlegmatic patience unknown in these degenerate days, 
except, peradveuture, among the High Dutch commentators, 
prying into the quaint obscuritj' of musty parchments, until 
his whole face seemed to be converted into a folio leaf of black- 
letter ; and occasionally, when the whimsical meaning of an 
obscure passage flashed on his mind, his countenance would 
curl up into an expression of gothic risibility, not unlike the 
physiognomy of a cabbage leaf wilting before a hot fire. 

At such times there was no getting Will to join in our walks ; 
or take any part in our usual recreations ; he hardly gave us an 
Oriental tale in a week, and would smoke so inveterately that 
no one else dared enter the library under pain of suffocation. 
This was more especially the case when he encountered any 
knotty piece of writing ; and he honestly confessed to me that 
one worm-eaten manuscript, written in a pestilent crabbed hand, 
had cost him a box of the best Spanish cigars before he could 
make it out ; and after all, it was not worth a tobacco-stalk. 
Such is the turn of my knowing associate ; — oul^' let him get 
fairly in the track of any odd out-of-the-way whim-wham, and 
away he goes, whip and cut, until he either runs down his 
game, or runs himself out of breath ; — I never in my life met 
with a man who rode his hobby-horse more intolerably hard 
than Wizard. 

One of his favorite occupations for some time past, has been 
the hunting of black-letter, which lie holds in high regard ; and 
he often hints, that learning has ])een on the decline ever since 
the introduction of the Roman alphabet. An old book printed 



SALMAGUNDI. 221 

three hundred years ago, is a treasure ; and a ragged scroll, 
u!)Out one-half unintelligible, fills him with rapture. Oli ! with 
what enthusiasm will he dwell on the discovery of the Pandects 
of Justinian, and Livy's history : and when he relates the pious 
exertions of the Medici, in recovering the lost treasures of 
Greek and Roman literature, his e3'e brightens, and his face 
assumes all the splendor of an illuminated manuscript. 

Will had vegetated for a considerable time in perfect tran- 
quillity among the dust and cobwebs, when one morning as we 
were gathered on the piazza, listening with exemplary patience 
to one of cousin Christopher's long stories about the revolu- 
tionary war, we were suddenly electrified by an explosion of 
laughter from the library. — My readers, unless peradventure 
they have heard honest Will laugh, can form no idea of the 
prodigious uproar he makes. To hear him in a forest, you 
would imagine — that is to say, if you were classical enough — 
that the sat3n-s and the dryads had just discovered a pair of 
rural lovers in the shade, and were deriding, with bursts of 
obstreperous laughter, the blushes of the nymph and the in- 
dignation of the swain ; — or if it were suddenly, as in the pres- 
ent instance, to break upon the serene and pensive silence of 
an autumnal morning, it would cause a sensation something 
like that which arises from hearing a sudden clap of thunder 
in a summer's day, when not a cloud is to be seen above the 
horizon. In short, I recommend Will's laugh as a sovereign 
remedy for the spleen : and if any of our readers are troubled 
with that villanous complaint, — which can hardly be, if they 
make good use of our works, — 1 advise them earnestly to get 
introduced to him forthwith. 

This outrageous merriment of Will's, as may be easily sup- 
posed, threw the whole family Into a violent fit of wondering ; 
we all, with the exception of Christopher, who took the inter- 
ruption in high dudgeon, silently stole up to the libi-ary ; and 
bolting in upon him, were fain at the first glance to join in his 
aspiring roar. His face, — but I despair to give an idea of his 
appearance ! — and until his portrait, which is now in the hands 
of an eminent artist, is engraved, my readers must be content : 
— I promise them they shall one day or other have a striking 
likeness of Will's indescribable phiz, in all its native comeli- 
ness. 

Upon my inquiring the occasion of bis mirth, he thrust an 
old, rust}', musty, and dusty manuscript into my hand, of 
which I could not decipher one word out of ten, without more 
troubL' than it was worth. This task, however, he kindly took 



222 SALMAGUNDI. 

off ray hands ; and, in a little more than eight and forty hours, 
produced a translation into fair Roman letters ; though he as- 
sured me it had lost a vast deal of its humor by being mod- 
ernized and degraded into plain English. In return for the 
great pains he had taken, I could not do less than insert it in 
our work. Will informs me that it is but one sheet of a stu- 
pendous bundle which still remains uninvestigated — who was 
the author we have not yet discovered, but a note on the back, 
in my grandfather's handwriting, informs us that it was pre- 
sented to him as a literary curiosity by his particular friend, 
the illustrious Rip Van Dam, formerly lieutenant-governor of 
the colony of Nevt AMoXEraJAM ; and whose fame, if it has 
never reached these latter days, it is only because he was too 
modest a man ever to do any thing worthy of being particularly 
recorded. 



CHAP. CIX. OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE RENOWNED 
AND ANTIENT CITY OF GOTHAM. 

How Gotham city conquered was, 

And how the folk luru'd apes — because. — Link. Fid. 

Albeit, much about this time it did fall out that the thrice 
renowned and delectable city of Gotham did suffer great dis- 
comfiture, and was reduced to perilous extremity, by the invasion 
and assaults of the Hoppingtots. These are a people inhabit- 
ing a far distant country, exceedingly pleasaunte and fertile ; but 
they being withal egregiously addicted to migrations, do thence 
issue forth in mighty swarms, like the Scythians of old, over- 
running divei's countries, and commonwealths, and committing 
great devastations wheresoever they do go, by their horrible 
and dreadful feats and prowesses. They are specially noted 
for being right valorous in all exercises of the leg ; and of 
them it hath been rightly affirmed that no nation in all Christen- 
dom or elsewhere, can cope with them in the adroit, dexterous, 
and jocund shaking of the heel. 

This engaging excellence doth stand unto them a sovereign 
recommendation, by the which the}' do insinuate themselves 
into universal favor and good countenance ; and it is a notable 
fact, that, let a Hoppingtot but once introduce a foot into com- 
pany, and it goeth hardly if he doth not contrive to flourish iiis 
whole body in thereafter. The learned Linkum Fidelius, iu iiia 



SALMAGUNDI. 223 

famous and unheard-of treatise on man, whom hedefineth, with 
exceeding sagacity, to be a corn-cutting, tooth-drawing animal, 
is particularly minute and elaborate in treating of tlie nation of 
the Hoppiugtots, and betrays a little of the P^'thagorean in his 
theory, inasmuch as he accounteth for their being so wonder- 
ously adroit in pedestrian exercises, by supposing that they did 
originally acquire this unaccountable and unparalleled aptitude 
for huge and unmatchable feats of the leg, by having hereto- 
fore been condemned for their numerous otfences against that 
harmless race of bipeds — or quadrupeds, — for herein the 
sage Linkum I'idelius appeareth to doubt and waver exceeding- 
ly — the frogs, to animate their bodies for the space of one or 
two generations. 

He also giveth it as his opinion, that the name of Hoppiug- 
tots is manifestly derivative from this transmigration. Be this, 
however, as it may, the matter, albeit it hath been the subject 
of controversy among the learned, is but little pertinent to the 
subject of this history ; wherefore shall we treat and consider 
it as naughte. 

Now these people being thereto impelled by a superfluity of 
appetite, and a plentiful deficiency of the wherewithal to sat- 
isfy the same, did take thought that the antieut and venerable 
city of Gotham, was, peradventure, possessed of mighty treas- 
ures, and did, moreover, abound with all manner of fish and 
flesh, and eatables and drinkables, and such like delightsome 
and wholesome excellencies withal. NVhereupon calling a 
council of the most active heeled warriors, the}' did resolve 
forthwith to put forth a mighty array, make themselves mas- 
ters of the same, and revel in the good things of the land. To 
this were they hotly stirred up, and wickedly incited, by two 
redoubtable and renowned warriors, hight Pirouet and Riga- 
DOON ; ycleped in such sort, by reason that they were two 
mighty, valiant, and in\incible little men ; utterly famous for 
the victories of the leg which they had, on divers illustrious 
occasions, right gallantly achieved. 

These doughty champions did ambitiously and wickedly in- 
flame the minds of their countrymen, with gorgeous descrip- 
tions, in the which they did cunuinglie set forth the marvellous 
riches and luxuries of Gotham ; where Hoppiugtots might have 
garments for their bodies, shirts to their ruffles, and might riot 
most merrily every day in the week on beef, pudding, and such 
like lusty dainties. — They, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did likewise 
hold out hopes of an easy conquest; forasmuch as the Gothair- 
ites were as yet but little versed in the mystery and science of 



224 SALMAG UNDI. 

handling the legs ; and being, moreover, like unto that notable 
bully of antiquity, Achilles, most vulnerable to all attacks on 
the heel, would doubtless surrender at the very first assault. — 
Whereupon, on the hearing of this inspiriting counsel, the 
Hoppingtots did set up a prodigious great cry of joy, shook 
their heels in triumph, and were all impatience to dance on to 
Gotham and take it by storm. 

The cunning Pirouet and the arch caitiff Rigadoon, knew full 
well how to profit of this enthusiasm. The}' forthwith did 
order every man to arm himself with a certain pestilent little 
weapon, called a fiddle ; — to pack up in his knapsack a pair of 
silk l)reeches, the like of ruffles, a cocked hat of the form of a 
half-moon, a bundle of catgut — and inasmuch as in marching 
to Gotham, the army might, peradventure, be smitten with 
scarcity of provisions, they did account it proper that each man 
should take especial care to carry with him a bunch of right 
merchantable onions. Having proclaimed these orders by 
sound of fiddle, they, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did accordingly 
put their army behind them, and striking up the right jolly and 
sprightful tune of fa Ira^ awaj' they all capered towards the 
devoted city of Gotham, with a most horrible and appalling 
chattering of voices. 

Of their first appearance before the beleaguered town, and of 
the various difficulties which did encounter them in their 
march, this history saith not ; being that other matters of more 
weighty import require to be written. AVhen that the army 
of the Hoppingtots did peregrinate within sight of Gotham, and 
the people of the city did behold the vilianous and hitherto 
unseen capers, and grimaces, which they did make, a most 
horrific panic was stirred up among the citizens ; and the sages 
of the town fell into great despondency and tribulation, as 
supposing that these invaders were of the race of the Jig-liees, 
who did make men into baboons when they achieved a conquest 
over them. The sages, therefore, called upon all the dancing 
men, and dancing women, and exhorted them with great velie- 
mency of speech, to make heel against the invaders, and to put 
themselves upon such gallant defence, such glorious arra}-, and 
such sturdy evolution, elevation, and transposition of the foot 
as might incontinently impester the legs of the Hoppingtots, 
and produce their complete discomfiture. But so it did happen, 
by great mischance, that divers light-heeled youth of Gotham, 
more especially those who are descended from three wise men, so 
ri'uowned of 3'ore for having most venturesomely voyaged over 
sja in a bowl, were, from time to time, captured and inveigled 



SALMAGUNLL 225 

into the camp of the enemy ; where, being foolishly cajoled and 
treated for a season with outlandish disports and pleasantries, 
the}' were sent back to their friends, entirely changed, degener- 
ated, and turned topsy-turvy ; insomuch that they thought 
tlienceforth of nothing but their heels, always essaying to 
thrust them into the most manifest point of view; — and, in a 
word, as might truly be affirmed, did forever after walk upon 
their heads outright. 

And tlie Hoppingtots did day by day, and at late hours of 
the night, wax more and more urgent in this their investment 
of the city. At one time they would, in goodly procession, 
make an open assault by sound of fiddle in a tremendous con- 
tra dance ; — and anon they would advance by little detachments 
and manoeuvres to take the town by figuring in cotillons. But 
\.\'\\\y their most cunning and devilish craft, and subtilty, was 
made manifest in their strenuous endeavors to corrupt the 
garrison, by a most insidious and pestilent dance called the 
Waltz. This, in good truth, was a potent auxiliary ; for, by it, 
were the heads of the simple Gothamites most villanously 
turned, their wits sent a wool-gathering, and themselves on the 
point of surrendering at discretion even unto the very arms of 
their invading foemen. 

At length the fortifications of the town began to give mani- 
fest symptoms of decay ; inasmuch as the breastwork of de- 
cency was considerably broken down, and the curtain works of 
propriety blown up. When that the cunning caitiff Pirouet 
beheld the ticklish and jeopardized state of the city — " Now, 
by m}' leg," quoth he, — he always swore by his leg, being that 
it was an exceeding goodlie leg; — " Now, by my leg," quoth 
he, " but this is no great matter of recreation ; — I will show 
these people a pretty, strange, and new way forsooth, present- 
lie, and will shake the dust off my pumps upon this most 
obstinate and uncivilized town." Whereupon he ordered, and 
did command his warriors, one and all, that they should put 
themselves in readiness, and prepare to carry the town by a 
GRAND BALL. They, in no wise to be daunted, do forthwith, at 
the word, equip themselves for the assault ; and in good faith, 
truly, it was a gracious and glorious sight, a most triumphant 
and incomparable spectacle, to behold them gallantly arrayed 
in glossy and shining silk breeches tied with abundance of 
ribbon ; with silken hose of tlie gorgeous color of the salmon ; 
— right goodlie morocco pumps decorated with clasps or 
buckles of a most cunninge and secret contrivance, iuasmucli as 
they did of themselves grapple to the shoe without any aid of 



226 SALMA G UNDL 

fluke or tongue, marvellously ensembliug witchcraft and necro- 
mancy. They had, withal, exuberant chitterlings ; which puffed 
out at the neck and bosom, after a most jolly fashion, like unto 
the beard of an antient he-turkey ; — and cocked hats, the 
which they did carry not on their heads, after the fashion of 
the Gothamites, but under their arms, as a roasted fowl his 
gizzard. 

Thus being equipped, and marshalled, they do attack, assault, 
batter and belabor the town with might and main ; — most gal- 
lantly displaying the vigor of their legs, and shaking their heels 
at it most emphatically. And the manner of their attack was 
in this sort; — first, they did thunder and gallop forward in a 
contre-temps ; — and anon, displayed column in a Cossack dance, 
a fandango, or a gavot. Whereat the Gothamites, in no wise 
understanding this unknown system of warfare, marvelled ex- 
ceedinglie, and did open their mouths incontinently^ the full 
distance of a bow-shot, meaning a cross-bow, in sore dismay 
and apprehension. Whereupon, saith Rigadoon, flourishing 
his left leg with great expression of valor, and most magnific 
carriage — "my copesmates, for what wait we here; are not 
the townsmen already won to our favor? — do not their women 
and young damsels wave to us from the walls in such sort that, 
albeit there is some show of defence, yet is it manifestly con- 
verted into our interests?" so saying, he made no more ado, 
but leaping into the air about a flight-shot, and crossing his 
feet six times, after the manner of the Hoppingtots, he gave a 
short partridge-run, and with mighty vigor and swiftness did 
bolt outright over the walls with a somersault. The whole army 
of Hoppingtots danced in after their valiant chieftain, with an 
enormous squeaking of fiddles, and a horrific blasting and brat- 
tling of horns ; insomuch that the dogs did howl in the streets, 
so hideously were their ears assailed. The Gothamites made 
some semblance of defence, but their women having been all 
won over into the interests of the enemy, they were shortly re- 
duced to make most abject submission ; and delivered over to 
the coercion of certain professors of the Hoppingtots, who did 
put them under most ignominious durance, for the space of a 
long time, until they had learned to turn out their toes and 
flourish their legs after the true manner of their conquerors. 
And thus, after the manner I have related, was the mighty and 
puissant cit}' of Gotham circumvented, and taken by a coup de 
pied: or as it might be rendered, by force of legs. 

The conquerors showed no mercy, but did put all ages, sexes, 
and conditions to the fiddle and the dance ; and, in a word, 



SALMAGUNDI. 227' 

compelled and enforced them to become absolute Hoppingtots. 
"Habit," as the ingenious Linkum Fidelias profoundly affirm- 
eth, " is second nature." And this original and invaluable ob- 
servation hath been most aptly proved, and illustrated, by the 
example of the Gothamites, ever since this disastrous and un- 
lucky mischance. In process of time, they have waxed to be 
most flagrant, outrageous, and abandoned dancers ; they do 
ponder on uoughte but how to gallantize it at balls, routs, and 
fandangoes ; insomuch that the like was in no time or place 
ever observed before. They do, moreover, pitifully devote 
their nights to the jollification of the legs, and their days for- 
sooth to the instruction and edification of the heel. And to 
conclude ; their young folk, who whilome did bestow a modi- 
cum, of leisure upon the improvement of the head, have of late 
utterly abandoned this hopeless task ; and have quietly, as it 
were, settled themselves down into mere machines, wound up 
by a tune, and set iu motion by a fiddle-stick ! 



228 SALMA G UNDI. 



NO. XVIII. -TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1807. 



THE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

The following story has been handed down by family tradi- 
tion for more than a century. It is one on which my cousin 
Christopher dwells with more than usual prolixity ; and, being 
in some measure connected with a personage often quoted in 
our work, I have thought it worthy of being laid before my 
readers. 

Soon after my grandfather, Mr. Lemuel Cockloft, had quietly 
settled himself at the hall, and just about the time that the 
gossips of the neighborhood, tired of prying into his affairs, 
were anxious for some new tea-table topic, the l)usy community 
of our little village was thrown into a grand turmoil of curi- 
osity and conjecture — a situation very common to little gossip- 
ing villages — by the sudden and unaccountable appearance of 
a m^ysterious individual. 

The object of this solicitude was a little black- looking man, 
of a foreign aspect, who took possession of an old building, 
which having long had the reputation of being haunted, was in 
a state of ruinous desolation, and an object of fear to all true 
believers in ghosts. He usually wore a high sugarloaf hat with 
a narrow brim ; and a little black cloak, which, short as he 
was, scarcely reached below his knees. He sought no intimacy 
or acquaintance with any one ; appeared to take no interest in 
the pleasures or the little broils of the village ; nor ever talked ; 
except sometimes to himself in an outlandish tongue. He 
commonly carried a large book, covered with sheepskin, under 
his arm ; appeared always to be lost in meditation ; and was 
often met by the ■ peasantrj^, sometimes watching the dawning 
of day, sometimes at noon seated under a tree poring over his 
volume ; and sometimes at evening gazing with a look of sober 
tranquillity at the sun as it gradually sunk below the horizon. 

The good people of the vicinity beheld something prodi- 



SALMAG UNDI. 229 

giously singular in all this ; — a profound mystery seemed to 
hang about the stranger, which, with all their sagacity, they 
could not penetrate ; and in the excess of worldly charity they 
pronounced it a sure sign "that he was no belter than he 
should be ; " — a phrase innocent enough in itself : but which, as 
applied in common, signifies nearly every thing that is bad. 
The young people thought him a gloomy misanthrope, because 
he never joined in their sports ; — the old men thought still more 
hardly of him because he followed no trade, nor ever seemed 
ambitious of earning a farthing ; — and as to the old gossips, 
baffled by the inflexible taciturnity of the stranger, they unani- 
mously agreed that a man who could not or would not talk was 
no better than a dumb beast. The little man in black, careless 
of their opinions, seemed resolved to maintain the liberty of 
keeping his own secret ; and the consequence was, that, in a 
little while, the whole village was in an uproar ; — for in little 
communities of this description, the members have always the 
privilege of being thoroughly versed, and even of meddling in 
all the affairs of each other. 

A confidential conference was held on Sunday morning after 
sermon, at the door of the village church, and the character of 
the unknown full}' investigated. The schoolmaster gave as his 
opinion, that he was the wandering Jew ; — the sexton was cer- 
tain that he must be a free-mason from his silence ; — a third 
maintained, with great obstinacy, that he was a high German 
doctor ; and that the book which he carried about with him, con- 
tained the secrets of the black art ; but the most prevailing 
opinion seemed to be that he was a witch ; — a race of beings 
at that time abounding in those parts ; and a sagacious old 
matron, from Connecticut, proposed to ascertain the fact by 
sousing him into a kettle of hot water. 

Suspicion, when once afloat, goes with wind and tide, and 
soon becomes certainty. Many a stormy night was the little 
man in black, seen by the flashes of lightning, frisking and 
curveting in the air upon a broomstick : and it was always ob- 
served, that at those times the storm did more mischief than 
at any other. The old lady in particular, who suggested the 
humane ordeal of the boiling kettle, lost on one of these occa- 
sions a fine brindle cow ; which accident was entirely ascribed 
to the vengeance of the little man in black. If ever a mis- 
chievous hireling rode his master's favorite horse to a distant 
frolic, and the animal was observed to be lame and jaded in 
the morning, — the little man in black was sui'e to be at the 
bottom of the affair ; nor could a high wind howl through the 



230 SALMAGUNDI. 

village at night but the old women shrugged up their shoul- 
ders, and observed, "the little man in black was in his tan- 
trums." In short, he became the bugbear of every house ; and 
was as effectual in frightening little children into obedience and 
hysterics, as the redoubtable Raw-head-and-bloody-bones him- 
self : nor could a housewife of the village sleep in peace, except 
under the guardianship of a horse-shoe nailed to the door. 

The object of these direful suspicions remained for some time 
totally ignorant of the wonderful quandary he had occasioned ; 
but he was soon doomed to feel its effects. An individual who 
is once so unfortunate as to incur the odium of a village, is in 
a great measure outlawed and proscribed ; and becomes a mark 
for injury and insult ; particularly if he has not the power or 
the disposition to recriminate. The little venomous passions, 
which in the great world are dissipated and weakened by being 
widely diffused, act in the narrow limits of a country town with 
collected vigor, and become rancorous in proportion as they are 
confined in their sphere of action. The little man in black 
experienced the truth of this ; every mischievous urchin return- 
ing from school, had full liberty to break his windows ; and this 
was considered as a most daring exploit; for in such awe did 
they stand of him, that the most adventurous schoolboy was 
never seen to approach his threshold, and at night would prefer 
going round by the cross-roads, where a traveller had been 
murdered by the Indians, rather than pass by the door of his 
forlorn habitation. 

The only living creature that seemed to have any care or 
affection for this deserted being was an old turnspit, — the 
companion of his lonely mansion and his solitary wanderings ; 
— the sharer of his scanty meals, and, sorry am I to say it, the 
sharer of his persecutions. The turnspit, like his master, was 
peaceable and inoffensive ; never known to bark at a horse, to 
growl at a traveller, or to quarrel with the dogs of the neigh- 
borhood. He followed close at his master's heels when he 
went out, and when he returned stretched himself in the sun- 
beams at the door ; demeaning hhnself in all things like a civil 
and well-disposed turnspit. But notwithstanding his exemplary 
deportment, he fell likewise under the ill report of the village ; 
as being the familiar of the little man in black, and the evil 
spirit that presided at his incantations. The old hovel was 
considered as the scene of their unhallowed rites, and its harm- 
less tenants regarded with a detestation which their inoffensive 
conduct never merited. — Though pelted and jeered at by the 
brats of the village, and frequently abused by their parents, 



SALMAGUNDI. 231 

the little man in black never turned to rebuke them ; and his 
faithful dog, when wantonly assaulted, looked up wistfully' in 
his master's face, and there learned a lesson of patience and 
forbearance. 

The movements of this inscrutable being had long been the 
subject of speculation at Cockloft Hall, for its inmates were full 
as much given to wondering as their descendants. The pa- 
tience with which he bore his persecutions particularly sur- 
prised them ; for patience is a virtue but little known in the 
Cockloft family. My grandmother, who it appears was rather 
superstitious, saw in this humility nothing but the gloomy sul- 
leuness of a wizard, who restrained himself for the present, in 
hopes of midnight vengeance ; — the parson of the village, who 
was a man of some reading, pronounced it the stubborn insen- 
sibility of a stoic philosopher ; — my grandfather, who, worthy 
soul, seldom wandered abroad in search of conclusions, took a 
data from his own excellent heart, and regarded it as the hum- 
ble forgiveness of a Christian. But however different were 
their opinions as to the character of the stranger, they agreed 
in one particular, namely, in never intruding upon his soli- 
tude ; and my grandmother, who was at that time nursing my 
mother, never left the room without wisely putting the large 
family Bible in the cradle ; a sure talisman, in her opinion, 
against witchcraft and necromancy. 

One stormy winter night, when a bleak north-east wind 
moaned about the cottages, and howled around the village 
steeple, my grandfather was returning from club, preceded by 
a servant with a lantern. Just as he arrived opposite the des- 
olate abode of the little man in black, he was arrested by the 
piteous howling of a dog, which, heard in the pauses of the 
storm, was exquisitely mournful ; and he fancied now and then, 
that he caught the low and broken groans of some one in dis- 
tress. — He stopped for some minutes, hesitating between the 
benevolence of his heart and a sensation of genuine delicacy, 
which, in spite of his eccentricity, he fully possessed, — and 
which forbade him to pry into the concerns of his neighbors. 
Perhaps, too, this hesitation might have been strengthened by 
a little taint of superstition ; for surely, if the unknown had 
been addicted to witchcraft, this was a most propitious night 
for his vagaries. At length the old gentleman's philanthropy 
predominated ; he approached the hovel, and pushing open the 
door, — for poverty has no occasion for locks and keys, — be- 
held, by the Hght of the lantern, a scene that smote his gen- 
erous heart to the core. 



232 SALMAGUNDI. 

On a miserable bed, with pallid and emaciated visage, pnd 
hollow eyes ; — in a room destitute of ever}^ convenience ; — 
without fire to warm, or friend to console him, lay this help- 
less mortal, who had been so long the terror and wonder of the 
village. His dog was crouching on the scanty coverlet, and 
shivering with cold. My grandfather stepped softly and hesi- 
tatingly to the bedside, and accosted the forlorn sufferer in his 
usual accents of kindness. The little man in black seemed re- 
called by the tones of compassion from the lethargy into which 
he had fallen ; for, though his heart was almost frozen, there 
was yet one chord that answered to the call of the good old 
man who bent over him ; the tones of sympathy, so novel to 
his ear, called back his wandering senses, and acted like a re- 
storative to his solitary feelings. 

He raised his eyes, but they were vacant and haggard ; — he 
put forth his hand, but it was cold ; he essayed to speak, but 
the sound died away in his throat ; — he pointed to his mouth 
with an expression of dreadful meaning, and, sad to relate ! 
m^' grandfather understood that the harmless stranger, deserted 
by society, was perishing with hunger ! — with the quick im- 
pulse of humanity he despatched the servant to the hall for re- 
freshment. A little warm nourishment renovated him for a 
short time, but not long : — it was evident his pilgrimage was 
drawing to a close, and he was about entering that peaceful 
asylum where " the wicked cease from troubling." 

His tale of misery was short, and quickly told : infirmities 
had stolen upon him, heightened by the rigors of the season: 
he had taken to his bed without strength to rise and ask for 
assistance ; — " and if I had," said he in a tone of bitter de- 
spondency, " to whom should I have applied? I have no friend 
that I know of in the world ! — the villagers avoid me as some- 
thing loathsome and dangerous ; and here, in the midst of 
Christians, should I have perished, without a fellow-being to 
soothe the last moments of existence, and close ni}- dying eyes, 
had not the bowlings of my faithful dog excited your atten- 
tion." 

He seemed deeply sensible of the kindness of my grand- 
father ; and at one time as he looked up into his old benefac- 
tor's face, a solitary tear was observed to steal adown the 
parched furrows of his cheek — poor outcast ! — it was the last 
tear he shed — but I warrant it was not the first by miUions ! 
my grandfather watched by him all night. Towards morning 
he gradually declined ; and as the rising sun gleamed through 
the window, he begged to be raised in his bed that he might 



SALMA G UNDL 233 

look at it for the last time. He contemplated it for a moment 
with a kind of religious enthusiasm, and his lips moved as if 
engaged in prayer. The strange conjectures concerning him 
rushed on my grandfather's mind : " He is an idolater ! " thought 
he, " and is worshipping the sun !" — He listened a moment and 
blushed at his own uncharitable suspicion ; he was only en- 
gaged in the pious devotions of a Christian. His simple orison 
being finished, the little man in black withdrew his eyes from 
the east, and taking my grandfather's hand in one of his, and 
making a motion with the other towards the sun ; — "I love to 
contemplate it," said he, " 'tis an emblem of the universal 
benevolence of a true Christian ; — and it is the most glorious 
work of him who is philanthropy itself!" My grandfather 
blushed still deeper at his ungenerous surmises ; he had pitied 
the stranger at first, but now he revered him : — he turned once 
more to regard him, but his countenance had undergone a 
change ; — the holy enthusiasm that had lighted up each fea- 
ture, had given place to an expression of mysterious import ; — 
a gleam of grandeur seemed to steal across his Gothic visage, 
and he appeared full of some mighty secret which he hesitated 
to impart. He raised the tattered nightcap that had sunk al- 
most over his e^'es, and waving his withered hand with a slow 
and feeble expression of dignity, — " In me," said he, with la- 
conic solemnity, — "in me you behold the last descendant of 
the renowned Linkum Fidelius ! " My grandfather gazed at 
him with reverence ; for though he had never heard of the 
illustrious personage, thus pompously announced, yet there 
was a certain black-letter dignity in the name that peculiarly 
struck his fancy and commanded his respect. 

"You have been kind to me," continued the little man in 
black, after a momentary pause, "and richly will I requite 
your kindness by making you heir to my treasures ! In 3'on- 
der large deal box are the volumes of my illustrious ancestor, 
of which I alone am the fortunate possessor. Inherit them — 
ponder over them, and be wise ! " He grew faint with the ex- 
ertion he had made, and sunk back almost breathless on his 
pillow. His hand, which, inspired with the importance of his 
subject, he had raised to my grandfather's arm, slipped from 
its hold and fell over the side of the bed, and his faithful dog 
licked it ; as if anxious to soothe the last moments of his mas- 
ter, and testify his gratitude to the hand that had so often 
cherished him. The untaught caresses of the faithful animal 
were not lost upon his dying master ; — he raised his languid 
eyes, — turned them on the dog, then on my grandfather ; and 



234 SALMAGUNDI. 

having given this silent recommendation, — closed them for- 
ever. 

The remains of the little man in black, notwithstanding the 
objections of many pious people, were decently interred in 
the church-yard of the village ; and his spirit, harmless as the 
body it once animated, has never been known to molest a 
living being. My grandfather complied, as far as possible, 
with his last request ; he convej^ed the volumes of Liukum 
Fidelius to his library ; — he pondered over them frequently ; — 
but whether he grew wiser, the tradition doth not mention. 
This much is certain, that his kindness to the poor descendant 
of P'idelius was amply rewarded by the approbation of his own 
heart and the devoted attachment of the old turnspit, who, 
transferring his affection from his deceased master to his ben- 
efactor, beame his constant attendant, and was father to a 
long line of runty curs that still flourish in the family. And 
thus was the Cockloft library first enriched by the invaluable 
folios of the sage Linkum Fidelius. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT KHAN, 

TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS 
THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Though I am often disgusted, my good Asem, with the vices 
and absurdities of the men of this country, yet the women 
afford me a world of amusement. Their lively prattle is as 
diverting as the chattering of the red-tailed parrot ; nor can 
the green-headed monkey of Timandi equal them in whim and 
playfulness. But, notwithstanding these valuable qualifica- 
tions, I am sorry to observe they are not treated with half 
the attention bestowed on the before-mentioned animals. 
These infidels put their parrots in cages and chain their mon- 
keys ; but their women, instead of being carefully shut up in 
harems and seraglios, are abandoned to the direction of their 
own reason and suffered to run about in perfect freedom, like 
other domestic animals: — this comes, Asem, of treating their 
women as rational beings and allowing them souls. The conse- 
quence of this piteous neglect may easily be imagined : — they 
have degenerated into all their native wildness, are seldom to 
be caught at home, and, ftt an early age, take to the streets 



SALMA G UNDI. 235 

and highways, where they rove about in droves, giving ahnost 
as much annoyance to the peaceable people as the troops of 
wild dogs that infest our great cities, or the flights of locusts 
that sometimes spread famine and desolation over whole re- 
gions of fertility. 

This propensity' to relapse into pristine wilduess convinces 
me of the untameable disposition of the sex, who may indeed 
be partially domesticated by a long course of confinement and 
restraint, but the moment the}' are restored to personal free- 
dom, become wild as the young partridge of this country, which, 
though scarcely half hatched, will take to the fields and run 
about with the shell upon its back. 

Notwithstanding their wilduess, however, they are remark- 
ably easy of access, and suffer themselves to be approached at 
certain hours of the day without any symptoms of apprehen- 
sion ; and I have even happily succeeded in detecting them 
at their domestic occupations. One of the most important of 
these consists in tliumping vehemently on a kind of musical 
instrument, and producing a confused, hideous, and indefinable 
uproar, which they call the description of a battle ; — a jest, 
no doubt, for they are wonderfully facetious at times, and make 
great practice of passing jokes upon strangers. Sometimes 
they employ themselves in painting little caricatures of laud- 
scapes, wherein they display their singular drollery in banter- 
ing nature fairly out of countenance ; representing her tricked 
out in all the tawdry finery of copper skies, purple rivers, 
calico rocks, red grass, clouds that look like old clothes set 
adrift by the tempest, and foxy trees whose melancholy foliage, 
drooping and curling most fantastically, reminds me of an 
undressed perriwig that I have now and then seen hung on a 
stick in a barber's window. At other times they employ them- 
selves in acquiring a smattering of languages spoken by nations 
on the other side of the globe, as they find their own language 
not sufficiently copious to supply their constant demands and 
express their multifarious ideas. But their most important 
domestic avocation is to embroider, on satin or muslin, flowers 
of a nondescript kind, in which the great art is to make them 
as unlike nature as possible ; — or to fasten little bits of silver, 
gold, tinsel, and glass on long strips of muslin, which they 
drag after them with much dignity whenever they go abroad ; 
— a fine lady, like a bird of paradise, being estimated by the 
length of her tail. 

But do not, my friend, fall into the enormous error of suppos- 
ing that the exercise of these arts is attended with any useful 



236 SALMAGUNDI. 

or profitable result — believe me, thou couldst not indulge an 
idea more unjust and injurious ; for it appears to be an estab- 
lislied maxim among the women of this country, that a lady 
loses her dignity when she condescends to be useful, and forfeits 
all rank in society the moment she can be convicted of earning 
a farthing. Their labors, therefore, are directed not towards 
suppl3ing their household, but in decking their persons, and — 
generous souls ! — they deck their persons, not so much to 
please themselves, as to gratify others, particularly strangers. 
I am confident thou wilt stare at this, my good Asem, accus- 
tomed as thou art to our eastern females, who shrink in blush- 
ing timidity even from the glance of a lover, and are so chary 
of their favors, that they even seem fearful of lavishing their 
smiles too profusely on their husbands. Here, on tlie contrary, 
the stranger has the first place in female regard, and so far do 
they carry their hospitality, that I have seen a fine lady slight a 
dozen tried friends and real admirers, who lived in her smiles 
and made her happiness their study, merely to allure the vague 
and wandering glances of a stranger, who viewed her person 
with indifference and treated her advances with contempt. 

By the whiskers of our sublime bashaw, but this is highly 

flattering to a foreigner ! and thou mayest judge how particu- 
larly pleasing to one who is, like mj-self, so ardent an admirer 
of the sex. Far be it from me to condemn this extraordinary 
manifestation of good will — let their own countrymen look to 
that. 

Be not alarmed, I conjure thee, my dear Asem, lest I should 
be tempted by these beautiful barbarians to break the faith I 
owe to the three-and-twenty wives from whom my unhappy 
destiny has perhaps severed me forever: — no, Asem, neither 
time nor the bitter succession of misfortunes that pursues me 
can shake from my heart the memory of former attachments. 
I listen with tranquil heart to the strumming and prattling of 
these fair sirens ; their whimsical paintings touch not the tender 
chord of my affections ; and I would still defy their fascinations, 
though they trailed after them trains as long as the gorgeous 
trappings which are dragged at the heels of the holy camel of 
Mecca : or as the tail of the great beast in our prophet's vision, 
which measured three hundred and forty-nine leagues, two 
miles, three furlongs, and a hand's breadth in longitude. 

The dress of these women is, if possible, more eccentric and 
whimsical than their deportment ; and they take an inordinate 
pride in certain ornaments which are probably derived from 
their savage progenitors. A woman of this country, dressed 



SALMA G UNDL 237 

out for an exhibition, is loaded with as many ornaments as a 
Circassian slave when brought out for sale. Their heads are 
tricked out with little bits of horn or shell, cut into fantastic 
shapes, and they seem to emulate each other in the number of 
these singular baubles ; — like the women we have seen in our 
journeys to Aleppo, who cover their heads with tlie entire shell 
of a tortoise, and, thus equipped, are the envy of all their less 
fortunate acquaintance. They also decorate their necks and 
ears with coral, gold chains, and glass beads, and load their 
fingers with a variety of rings ; though, I must confess, I have 
never perceived that they wear any in their noses — as has been 
affirmed by many travellers. We have heard much of their 
painting themselves most hideously, and making use of bear's 
grease in great profusion ; but this, I solemnly assure thee, is 
a misrepresentation ; civilization, no doubt, having gradually 
extirpated these nauseous practices. It is true, I have seen 
two or three of these females, who had disguised their features 
with paint ; but then it was merely to give a tinge of red 
to their cheeks, and did not look very frightful ; and as to 
ointment, they rarely use any now, except occasionally a little 
Grecian oil for their hair, which gives it a glossy, greasy, and, 
they think, very comely appearance. The last-mentioned class 
of females, I take it for granted, have been but lately caught, 
and still retain strong traits of their original savage propen- 
sities. 

The most flagrant and inexcusable fault, however, which I 
find in these lovely savages, is the shameless and abandoned 
exposure of their persons. Wilt not thou suspect me of exag- 
geration when I affirm; — wilt thou not blush for them, most 
discreet Mussulman, when I declare to thee, that they are so 
lost to all sense of modesty, as to expose the whole of their 
faces from their forehead to the chin, and they even go abroad 
with their hands uncovered ! — Monstrous indelicacy ! — 

But what I am going to disclose, will, doubtless, appear to 
thee still more incredible. Though I cannot forbear paying a 
tribute of admiration to the beautiful faces of these fair infi- 
dels, yet I must give it as ray firm opinion, that their persons 
are preposterously unseemly. In vain did I look around me, 
on my first landing, for those divine forms of redundant pro- 
portions, which answer to the true standard of eastern beauty ; 
— not a single fat fair one could I behold among the multitudes 
that thronged the streets ; the females that passed in review 
before me, tripping sportively along, resembled a procession of 
shadows, returning to their graves at the crowing of the cock. 



238 SALMAGUNDI. 

This meagreness I first ascribed to tlieir excessive volubility ; 
for I have somewhere seen it advanced by a learned doctor, 
that the sex were endowed with a peculiar activity of tongue, 
in order that they might practise talking as a healthful exer- 
cise, necessary to their confined and sedentary mode of life. 
This exercise, it was natural to suppose, would be carried to 
great excess in a logocracy. — "Too true," thought I, "they 
have converted, what was undoubtedly meant as a beneficent 
gift, into a noxious habit, that steals the flesh from their bones 
and the rose from their cheeks — they absolutely talk them- 
selves thin ! " Judge then of my surprise when I was assured, 
not long since, that this meagreness was considered the perfec- 
tion of personal beauty, and that many a lady starved herself, 
with all the obstinate perseverance of a pious dervise — into a 

fine figure! " Nay more," said my informer, "they will 

often sacrifice their healths in this eager pursuit of skeleton 
beauty, and drink vinegar, eat pickles, and smoke tobacco, to 
keep themselves within the scanty outlines of the fashions." 
— Faugh ! Allah preserve me from such beauties, who contami- 
nate their pure blood with noxious recipes ; who impiously 
sacrifice the best gifts of Heaven, to a preposterous and mis- 
taken vanity. Ere long I shall not be surprised to see them 
scarring their faces like the negroes of Congo, flattening their 
noses in imitation of the Hottentots, or like the barbarians of 
Ab-al Timar, distorting their lips and ears out of all natural 
dimensions. Since I received this information, I cannot con- 
template a fine figure, without thinking of a vinegar cruet ; nor 
look at a dashing belle, without fancying her a pot of pickled 
cucumbers ! What a difference, m}' friend, between tliese shades 
and the plump beauties of Tripoli, — what a contrast between 
an infidel fair one and my favorite wife Fatima, whom I bought 
by the hundred weight, and had trundled home in a wheel- 
barrow ! 

But enough for the present ; I am promised a faithful ac- 
count of the arcana of a lady's toilette — a complete initiation 
into the arts mysteries, spells, and potions ; in short, the whole 
chemical process by which she reduces herself down to the 
most fashionable standard of insignificance ; together with speci- 
mens of the strait waistcoats, the lacings, the bandages, and 
the various ingenious instruments with which she puts nature 
to the rack, and tortures herself into a proper figure to be 
admired. 

Farewell, thou sweetest of slave-drivers ! the eclioes that re- 
peat to a lover's ear the song of his mistress, are not more 



SA LMA G UNBI. 239 

soothing than tidings from those we love. Let thy answer to 
my letters be speedy : and never, I pray thee, for a moment, 
cease to watch over the prosperity of my house, and the wel- 
fare of my beloved wives. Let them want for nothing, my 
friend ; but feed them plentifully on honey, boiled rice, and 
water gruel ; so that when I return to the blessed land of my 
fathers, if that can ever be ! I may find them improved in size 
and loveliness, and sleek as the graceful elephants that range 
the green valley of Abimar. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



240 SALMA G UNDI. 



NO. XIX. -THURSDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1807. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Having returned to town, and once more formally taken 
possession of my elbow-chair, it behooves me to discard the 
rural feelings, and the rural sentiments, in which I have for 
some time past indulged, and devote myself more exclusively 
to the edification of the town. As I feel at this moment a 
chivalric spark of gallantry playing around my heart, and one 
of those dulcet emotions of cordiality which an old bachelor 
will sometimes entertain towards the divine sex, I am deter- 
mined to gratify the sentiment for once, and devote this num- 
ber exclusively to the ladies. I would not, however, have our 
fair readers imagine that we wish to flatter ourselves into their 
good graces ; devoutly as we adore them ! — and what true cav- 
alier does not, — and heartily as we desire to flourish in the 
mild sunshine of their smiles, yet we scorn to insinuate our- 
selves into their favor ; unless it be as honest friends, sincere 
well-wishers, and disinterested advisers. If in the course of 
this number they find us rather prodigal of our encomiums, 
they will have the modesty to ascribe it to the excess of their 
own merits ; - - if they find us extremely indulgent to their 
faults, they will impute it rather to the superabundance of our 
good nature, than to any servile and illiberal fear of giving 
offence. 

The following letter of Mustapha falls in exactly with the 
current of my purpose. As I have before mentioned that his 
letters are without dates, we are obliged to give them very ir- 
regularly, without any regard to chronological order. 

The present one appears to have been written not long after 
his arrival, and antecedent to sevei'al already published. It is 
more in the familiar and colloquial style than the others. Will 
Wizard declares he has translated it with fidelity, excepting 
that he has omitted several remarks on the waltz, which the 
honest Mussulman eulogizes with great enthusiasm ; comparing 
it to certain voluptuous dances of the seraglio. Will regretted 



SALMAGUNDI. 241 

exceedingly that the indelicacy of several of these observations 
compelled their total exclusion, as he wishes to give all possi- 
ble encouragement to this popular and amiable exhibition. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

TO MULEY HELIM AL RAGGI, SURNAMED THE AGREEABLE RAGA- 
MUFFIN, CHIEF MOUNTEBANK AND BUFFA-DANCER TO HIS HIGH- 
NESS. 

The numerous letters which I have written to our friend the 
slave-driver, as well as those to thy kinsman the snorer, and 
which, doubtless, were read to thee, honest Muley, have, in all 
probability, awakened thy curiosity to know further particulars 
concerning the manners of the barbarians, who hold me in such 
ignominious captivity. I was lately at one of their public ceremo- 
nies, which, at first, perplexed me exceedingly as to its object ; 
but as the explanations of a friend have let me somewhat into 
the secret, and as it seems to bear no small analogy to thy pro- 
fession, a description of it may contribute to thy amusement, 
if not to thy instruction. 

A few days since, just as I had finished my coffee, and was 
perfuming my whiskers, preparatory to a morning walk, I was 
waited upon b}' an inhabitant of this place, a gay young infidel 
who has of late cultivated my acquaintance. He presented me 
with a square bit of painted pasteboard, which, he informed me, 
would entitle me to admittance to the City Assembly. Curi- 
ous to know the meaning of a phrase which was entirel}' new to 
me, I requested an explanation ; when my friend informed me 
that the assembly was a numerous concourse of young people 
of both sexes, who, on certain occasions, gathered together to 
dance about a large room with violent gesticulation, and try 
to out-dress each otlier. — " In short," said he, " if you wish to 
see the natives in all their glory, there's no place like the City 
Assembly; so you must go there, and sport your whiskers." 
Though the matter of sporting ni}' wliiskers was considerably 
above my apprehension, yet I now began, as I thought, to un- 
derstand him. I had heard of the war dances of the natives, 
which are a kind of religious institution, and had little doubt 
but that this must be a solemnity of the kind — upon a pro- 
digious great scale. Anxious as I am to contemplate these 



242 SALMAGUNDI. 

strange people in every situation, I willingly acceded to his 
proposal, and, to be the more at ease, I determined to lay aside 
my Turkish dress, and appear in plain garments of the fashion 
of this country ; as is my custom whenever I wish to mingle in 
a crowd without exciting the attention of the gaping multitude. 

It was long after the shades of night had fallen, before my 
friend appeared to conduct me to the assembly. " These infi- 
dels," thought I, " shroud themselves in mystery, and seek 
the aid of gloom and darkness, to heighten the solemnity of 
their pious orgies." Resolving to conduct myself with that 
decent respect which every stranger owes to the customs of the 
land in wliich he sojourns, I chastised my features into an ex- 
pression of sober reverence, and stretched my face into a degree 
of longitude suitable to the ceremony I was about to witness. 
Spite of myself, I felt an emotion of awe stealing over my 
senses as I approached the majestic pile. My imagination 
pictured something similar to a descent into the cave of Dom- 
Daniel, where the necromancers of the East are taught their 
infernal arts. I entered with the same gravity of demeanor that 
I would have approached the holy temple at Mecca, and bowed 
my head three times as I passed the threshold. " Head of the 
mighty Amrou ! " thought I, on being ushered into a splendid 
saloon, " what a displa}' is here ! surely I am transported to 
the mansions of the Houris, the elysium of the faithful!" — 
How tame appeared all the descriptions of enchanted palaces 
in our Arabian poetry ! — wherever I turned my eyes, the quick 
glances of beauty dazzled my vision and ravished my heart ; 
lovely virgins fluttered by me, darting imperial looks of con- 
quest, or beaming such smiles of invitation, as did Gabriel 
when he beckoned our holy prophet to Heaven. Shall I own 
the weakness of thy friend, good Muley? — while thus gazing 
•on the enchanting scene before me, I, for a moment, forgot my 
country ; and even the memory of my three-and-twenty wives 
faded from my heart ; my thoughts were bewildered and led 
astray by the charms of these bewitching savages, and I sunk, 
for a while, into that delicious state of mind, where the senses, 
all enchanted, and all striving for mastery, produce an endless 
variety of tumultuous, yet pleasing emotions. Oh, Muley, 
never shall I again woncler that an infidel should prove a re- 
creant to the single solitary wife allotted to him, when, even thy 
friend, armed with all the precepts of Mahomet, can so easily 
prove faithless to three-and-twenty ! 

" Whither have you led me? " said I, at length, to my com- 
panion, " and to whom do these beautiful creatures belong? 



SALMAGUNDI. 243 

Certainly this must be the seraglio of the grand bashaw of the 
city, and a most happy bashaw must he be, to possess treas- 
ures which even his highness of Tripoli cannot parallel." 
"Have a care," cried my companion, "how you talk about 
seraglios, or you'll have all these gentle nymphs about your 
ears ; for seraglio is a word which, beyond all others, they 
abhor; — most of them," continued he, "have no lord and 
master, but come here to catch one — they're in the market, as 
we term it." " Ah, hah ! " said I, exultiugly, " then you really 
have a fair, or slave-market, such as we have in the East, where 
the faithful are provided with the choicest virgins of Georgia 

and Circassia? by our glorious sun of Afrie, but I should 

like to select some ten or a dozen wives from so lovely an as- 
semblage ! Pray, what would you suppose they might be bought 
for?" 

Before I could receive an answer, my attention was attracted 
by two or three good-looking, middle-sized men, who, being 
dressed in black, a color universally worn in this country by 
the muftis and dervises, 1 immediately concluded to be high- 
priests, and was confirmed in my original opinion that this was 
a religious ceremony. These revereud personages are entitled 
managers, and enjoy unlimited authority in the assemblies, 
being armed with swords, with which, I am told, they would 
infallibly put any lady to death who infringed the laws of the 
temple. They walked round the room with great solemnity, 
and, with an air of profound importance and mystery, put a 
little piece of folded paper in each fair hand, which I concluded 
were religious talismans. One of them dropped on the floor, 
whereupon I slyly put my foot on it, and, watching an oppor- 
tunity, picked it up unobserved, and found it to contain some 
unintelligible words and the mystic number 9. What were its 
virtues 1 know not ; except that I put it in my pocket, and 
have hitherto been preserved from my fit of the lumbago, which 
I generally have about this season of the year, ever since I 
tumbled into the well of Zim-Zim on my pilgrimage to Mecca. 
I enclose it to thee in this letter, presuming it to be particularly 
serviceable against the dangers of thy profession. 

Shortly after the distribution of these talismans, one of the 
high-priests stalked into the middle of the room with great 
majesty, and clapped his hands three times ; a loud explosion 
of music succeeded from a number of black, yellow, and white 
musicians, perched in a kind of cage over the grand entrance. 
The company were thereupon thrown into great confusion and 
apparent consternation. — They hurried to and fro about the 



244 SALMAGUNDI. 

room, and at length formed themselves into iittle groups of 
eight persons, half male and half female ; — the music struck 
into something lilve harmony, and, in a moment, to my utter 
astonishment and dismay, they were all seized with what I con- 
cluded to be a paroxj'sm of religious frenzy, tossing about 
their heads in a ludicrous style from side to side, and indulging 
in extravagant contortions of figure ; — now throwing their heels 
into the air, and anon whirling round with the velocity of the 
Eastern idolaters, who think they pay a grateful homage to the 
sun by imitating his motions. I expected every moment to see 
them fall down in convulsions, foam at the mouth, and shriek 
with fancied inspiration. As usual the females seemed most 
fervent in their religious exercises, and performed them with a 
melancholy expression of feature that was peculiarly touching ; 
but I was highly gratified by the exemplary conduct of several 
male devotees, who, though their gesticulations would intimate 
a wild merriment of the feelings, maintained throughout as 
inflexible a gravity of countenance as so many monkeys of the 
island of Borneo at their antics. 

"And pray," said I, "who is the divinity that presides in 

this splendid mosque?" " The divinity ! — oh, I understand 

— you mean the belle of the evening ; we have a new one every 
season : the one at present in fashion is that lady you see yon- 
der, dressed in white, with pink ribbons, and a crowd of adorers 
around her." " Truly," cried I, " this is the pleasantest deity 
I have encountered in the whole course of my travels ; — so 
familiar, so condescending, and so merrj' withal ; — why, her 
very worshippers take her by the hand, and whisper in her ear." 

"My good Mussulman," replied my friend, with great 

gravity, "I perceive you are completely in an error concerning 
the intent of this ceremony. You are now in a place of public 
amusement, not of public worship ; — and the pretty-looking 
young men you see making such violent and grotesque distor- 
tions, are merely indulging in our favorite amusement of dan- 
cing." "I cry your mercy," exclaimed I, "these, then, are the 
dancing men and women of the town, such as we have in our 
principal cities, who hire themselves out for the entertainment 
of the wealthy; — but, pray who paj's them for this fatiguing 

exhibition !" My friend regarded me for a moment with an 

air of whimsical perplexity, as if doubtful whether I was in jest 

or earnest. " Sblood, man," cried he, " these are some of 

our greatest people, our fashionables, who are merely dancing 

here for amusement." Dancing for amusement! think of 

that, Muley ! — thou, whose greatest pleasure is to chew opium, 



SALMAGUNDI. 245 

smoke tobacco, loll on a couch, and doze thyself into the regions 

of the HoLiris ! Dancing for amusement! — shall I never 

cease having occasion to laugh at the absurdities of these bar- 
barians, who are laborious in their recreations, and indolent only 

in their hours of business? Dancing for amusement! — the 

very idea makes my bones ache, and I never think of it with- 
out being obliged to apply my handkerchief to my forehead, 
and fan myself into some degree of coolness. 

" And pra}'," said I, when mv astonishment had a little sub- 
sided, " do these musicians also toil for amusement, or are they 
confined to their cage, like birds, to sing for the gratification of 
others? — I should think the former was the case, from the ani- 
mation with which they flourish their elbows." — '' Not so," 
replied my friend, "they are well paid, which is no more than 
just, for I assure you they are the most important personages 
in the room. The fiddler puts the whole assembly in motion, 
and directs their movements, like the master of a puppet-show, 
who sets all his pasteboard gentry kicking by a jerk of his fin- 
gers : — there, now — look at that dapper little gentleman yonder, 
who appears to be suft'ering the pangs of dislocation in every 
limb: he is the most expert puppet in the room, and performs, 
not so much for his own aniusemeut, as for that of the by- 
standers." — Just then the little gentleman, having finished one 
of his paroxysms of activity, seemed to be looking round for 
applause from the spectators. Feeling myself really much 
obliged to him for his exertions, I made him a low bow of thanks, 
but nobody followed my example, which 1 thought a singular 
instance of mgratitude. 

Thou wilt perceive, friend Mule}', that the dancing of these 
barbarians is totally different from the science professed by 
thee in, Tripoli ; — the countrj', in fact, is aflflicted by numerous 
epidemical diseases, which travel from house to house, from 
city to city, with the regularity of a caravan. Among these, 
the most formidable is this dancing mania, which prevails chiefly 
throughout the winter. It at first seized on a few people of 
fashion, and being indulged in moderation, was a cheerful exer- 
cise ; but in a little time, by quick advances, it infected all 
classes of the community, and became a raging epidemic. 
The doctors immediately, as is their usual way, instead of 
devising a remedy, fell together by the ears, to decide whether 
it was native or imported, and the sticklers for the latter opin- 
ion traced it to a cargo of trumi)ery from Prance, as they had 
before hunted down the yellow-fever to a bag of coffee from 
the West Indies. What makes this disease the more formid 



246 SALMA G UNJjI. 

able is, that the patients seem infatuated with their malad}', 
abandon themselves to its unbounded ravages, and expose their 
persons to wintry storms and midnight airs, more fatal, in this 
capricious climate, than the withering Simoom blast of the desert. 
I know not whether it is a sight most whimsical or melan- 
choly, to witness a fit of this dancing malady. The lady hops 
up to the gentleman, who stands at the distance of about three 
paces, and then capers back again to her place ; — the gentle- 
man of course does the same ; then they skip one way, then 
they jump another ; — then they turn their backs to each other ; 

— then they seize each other and shake hands ; then they whirl 
round, and throw themselves into a thousand grotesque and 
ridiculous attitudes ; — sometimes on one leg, sometimes on the 
other, and sometimes on no leg at all ; — and this they call ex- 
hibitmg the graces ! — By the nineteen thousand capers of the 
great mountebank of Damascus, but these graces must be 
something like the crooked-backed dwarf Shabrac, who is 
sometimes peimitted to amuse his highness b}' imitating the 
tricks of a monkey. These fits continue at short intervals from 
four to five hours, till at last the lady is led off, faint, lan- 
guid, exhausted, and panting, to her carriage ; — rattles home ; 

— passes a night of feverish restlessness, cold perspirations 
and troubled sleep ; — rises late next morning, if she rises at all, 
IS nervous, petulant, or a prey to languid indifference all day ; 

— a mere household spectre, neither giving nor receiving enjoy- 
ment; in the evening hurries to another dance; receives au 
unnatural exhilaration from the lights, the music, the crowd, and 
the unmeaning bustle; — flutters, sparkles, and blooms for a 
while, until the transient delirium being past, the infatuated 
maid droops and languishes into apathy again ; — is again led 
off to her carriage, and the next morning rises to go through 
exactly the same joyless routine. 

And yet, wilt thou believe it, my dear Raggi, these are 
rational beings : nay more, their countrjmeu would fain per- 
suade me they have souls ! — Is it not a thousand times to be 
lamented that beings, endowed with charms that might warm 
even the frigid heart of a dervise ; — with social and endearing 
powers, that would render them the joy and pride of the harem ; 

— should surrender themselves to a habit of heartless dissipa- 
tion, which preys imperceptibly on the roses of the cheek; — 
which robs the eye of its lustre, the mouth of its dimpled 
smile, the spiiits of their cheerful hilarity, and the limbs of 
their elastic vigor; — which hurries them off in the spring-time 
of existence ; or, if they survive, yields to the arms of a youth- 



SALMAGUNDI. 247 

ful bridegroom a frame wrecked in the storms of dissifation, and 
struggling with prematuie infirmity. Alas, Muley ! may I not 
ascribe to this cause, the number of little old women I meet with 
in this country, from the age of eighteen to eiglit-and-twenty? 

In sauntering down the room, my attention was attracted by 
a smoky painting, which, on nearer examination, I found con- 
sisted of two female figures crowning a bust with a wreath of 
laurel. "This, I suppose," cried I, " was some favorite dancer 
in his time? " — "Oh, no," replied my friend, " he was only 
a general." — "Good; but then he must have been great at 
a cotillon, or expert at a fiddlestick — or why is his memorial 
here?" — "Quite the contrary," answered my companion, 
"history makes no mention of his ever having flourished a fid- 
dlestick, or figured in a single dance. You have no doubt, 
heard of him ; he was the illustrious Washington, the father 
and deliverer of his country ; and, as our nation is remarkable 
for gratitude to great men, it always does honor to their mem- 
ory, by placing their monuments over the doors of taverns, or 
in the corners of dancing-rooms." 

From thence my friend and I strolled into a small apart- 
ment adjoining the grand saloon, where I beheld a number of 
grave-looking persons with venerable gray heads, but without 
beards, which I thought very unl)ecoming, seated around a 
table, studying hieroglyphics ; — 1 approached them with rever- 
ence as so many magi, or learned men, endeavoring to expound 
the mysteries of Egyptian science : several of them threw down 
monej', which 1 supposed was a reward proposed for some 
great discovery, when presently one of them spread his hiero- 
glyphics on the table, exclaimed triumphantly, " two bullets 
and a bragger ! " and swept all the money into his pocket. He 
has discovered a key to the hieroglyphics, thought I ; — happy 
mortal ! no doubt his name will be immortalized. Willing, how- 
ever, to be satisfied, I looked round on my companion with an 
inquiring eye — he understood me, and informed me, that these 
were a company of friends, who had met together to win each 
other's money, and be agreeable. "Is that all?" exclaimed 
I, " why, then, I pra}' you, make way, and let me escape from 
this temple of abominations, or who knows but these people, 
who meet together to toil, worry, and fatigue themselves to 
death, and give it the name of pleasure ; — and who win each 
other's money by way of being agreeable ; — may some one of 
them take a liking to me, and pick my pocket, or break my 
head in a paroxysm of hearty good-will ! " 

Thy friend, MUSTAPHA 



248 SALMAGUNDI. 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Nunc est bibendum, nunc pede libera 
Pulsanda lellus. — Ilor. 

Now is the tyme for wine and myrthful sportes, 
For dance, and song, and disportes of syche sortes, 

— Link. Fid. 

The winter campaign has opened. Fashion has summoned 
her numerous legions at the sound of trumpet, tamborine, and 
drum ; and all the harmonious minstrelsy of the orchestra, to 
hasten from the dull, silent, and insipid glades and groves, 
where they have vegetated during the summer ; recovering 
from the ravages of the last winter's campaign. Our fair ones 
have hurried to town, eager to pay their devotions to this tute- 
lary deity, and to make an offering at her shrine of the few 
pale and transient roses they gathered in their healthful re- 
treat. The fiddler rosins his bow, the card-table devotee is 
shuffling her pack ; the young ladies are industriously span- 
gling muslins ; and the tea-party heroes are airing their chapeaux- 
bras, and pease-blossom breeches, to prepare for figuring in 
the gay circle of smiles, and graces, and beauty. Now the fine 
lady forgets her countr}^ friends in the hurry of fashionable 
engagements, or receives the simple intruder, who has foolishly 
accepted her thousand pressing invitations, with such politeness 
that the poor soul determines never to come again ; — now the 
gay buck, who erst figured at Ballston, and quaffed the i)ure 
spring, exchanges the sparkling water for still more sparkling 
champagne ; and deserts the nymph of the fountain, to enlist 
under the standard of jolly Bacchus. In short, now is the im- 
portant time of the year in which to harangue the bon-ton 
reader ; and, like some ancient hero in front of the battle, to 
spirit him up to deeds of noble daring, or still more noble suf- 
fering, in the ranks of fashionable warfare. 

Such, indeed, has been my intention ; but the number of 
cases which have lately come before me, and the variety of 
complaints I have received from a crowd of honest and well- 
meaning correspondents, call for more immediate attention, 
A host of appeals, petitions, and letters of advice are now be- 
fore me ; and I believe the shortest way to satisfy my peti- 
tioners, memorialists, and advisers, will be to publish their 
letters, as I suspect the object of most of them is merely to get 
into print. 



SALMAGUNDI. 249 



TO ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Sir: — As yon appear to have taken to yourself the trouble 
of meddling in the concerns of the beau monde, I take the 
liberty of appealing to you on a subject which, though con- 
sidered merely as a very good joke, has occasioned me great 
vexation and expense. You must know I pride myself on 
being very useful to the ladies : that is, I take boxes for them 
at the theatre, go shopping with them, supply them with 
bouquets, and furnish them with novels from the circulating 
library. In consequence of these attentions, I am become a 
great favorite, and there is seldom a party going on in the city 
without my having an invitation. The grievance I have to 
mention is the exchange of hats which takes place on these 
occasions ; for, to speak my mind freely, there are certain 
young gentlemen who seem to consider fashionable parties as 
mere places to barter old clothes ; and I am informed that a 
number of them manage, by this great system of exchange, to 
keep their crowns decently covered without their hatter suffer- 
ing in the least by it. 

It was but lately that I went to a private ball with a new hat, 
and on returning, in the latter part of the evening, and asking 
for it, the scoundrel of a servant, with a broad grin, informed 
me that the new hats had been dealt out half an hour since, and 
they were then on the third quality ; and I was in the end 
obliged to borrow a young lady's beaver rather than go home 
with any of the ragged remnants that were left. 

Now I would wish to know if there is no possibility of hav- 
ing these offenders punished by law ; and whether it would not 
be advisable for ladies to mention in their cards of invitation, 
as a postscript, " stealing of hats and shawls positively prohib- 
ited." At any rate I would thank you, Mr. Evergreen, to 
discountenance the thing totally, by publishing in your paper 
that stealing a hat is no joke. 

Your humble servant, 

Walter Withers. 



My correspondent is informed that the police have deter- 
mined to take this matter into consideration, and have set 
apart Saturday mornings for the cognizance of fashionable 
larcenies. 



250 SALMAGUNDI. 

Mr. Evergreen — Sir: — Do you think a married woman may 
lawfully put her husband right in a story, before strangers, 
when she knows him to be in the wrong ; and can any thing 
authorize a wife in the exclamation of — " Lord, my dear, how 
can you say so ? " 

Mahgaket Timsoit. 

Dear Anthony : — Going down Broadway this morning in a 
great hurry, I ran full against an object which at first put me 
to a prodigious nonplus. Observing it to be dressed in a man's 
hat, a cloth overcoat and spatterdashes, I framed my apology 
accordingly, exclaiming, '•'My dear sir, I ask ten thousand 
pardons ; — I assure you, sir, it was entirely accidental : — pray 
excuse me, sir," etc. At every one of these excuses the thing 
answered me with a downright laugh ; at which I was not a 
little surprised, until, on resorting to my pocket-glass, I dis- 
covered that it was no other than my old acquaintance, Cla- 
rinda Trollop; — I never was more chagrined in my life; for 
being an old bachelor, I like to ai)pear as young as possible, 
and am always boasting of the goodness of my eyes. I beg of 
you, Mr. Evergreen, if you have any feeling for your contem- 
poraries, to discourage this hermaplu'odite mode of dress, for 
really, if the fashion take, we poor bachelors will be utterly at 
a loss to distinguish a woman from a man. Pray let me know 
your opinion, sir, whether a lady who wears a man's hat and 
spatterdashes before marriage, may not be apt to usurp some 
other article of his dress afterwards. 
Your humble servant, 

KoDERic Worry. 

Dear Mr. Evergreen : — The other night, at Richard the 
Third, I sat behind three gentlemen, who talked very loud on 
the subject of Richard's wooing Lady Ann directly in tiie face 
of his crimes against that lady. One of them declared such an 
unnatural scene would be hooted at in China. Pray, sir, was 
that Mr. Wizard? 

Selina Badger. 

P.S. The gentleman I allude to had a pocket-glass, and 
wore his hair fastened behind by a tortoise-shell comb, with 
two teeth wanting. 

Mr. EvERGRiN — Sir: — Being a little curious in the affairs 
of the toilette, I was much interested by the sage Mustapha's 



SALMAGUNDI. 251 

remarks, in your last nnmber, concerning the art of manufac- 
turing a modern fine lady. I would have you caution your faif 
readers, however, to be very careful in the management of 
their machinery ; as a deplorable accident happened last as- 
sembly, in consequence of the architecture of a lady's figure 
not being sufficiently strong. In the middle of one of the co- 
tillons, the company was suddenly alarmed by a tremendous 
crash at the lower end of the room, and, on crowding to the 
place, discovered that it was a fine figure which had unfortu- 
nately broken down from too great exertion in a pigeon- wing. 
By great good luck I secured the corset, which I carried home 
in triumph ; and the next morning had it publicly dissected, 
and a lecture read on it at Surgeon's Hall. I have since com- 
menced a dissertation on the subject ; in which I shall treat of 
the superiority of those figures manufactured by steel, stay- 
tape, and whale-bone, to those formed by Dame Nature. I shall 
show clearly that the Venus de Medicis has no pretension to 
beauty of form, as she never wore stays, and her waist is in 
exact proportion to the rest of her body. I shall inquire into 
the mysteries of compression, and how tight a figure can be 
laced without danger of fainting ; and whether it would not 
be advisable for a lady, when dressing for a ball, to be attended 
by the family physician, as culprits are when toi'tured on the 
rack, to know how much more nature will endure. I shall 
prove that ladies have discovered the secret of that notorious 
juggler who offered to squeeze himself into a quart bottle ; 
and I shall demonstrate, to the satisfaction of everj' fashionable 
reader, that there is a degree of heroism in purchasing a pre- 
posterousl}' slender waist at the expense of an old age of de- 
crepitude and rheumatics. This dissertation shall be published 
as soon as finished, and distributed gratis among boarding- 
school madams and all worthy matrons who are ambitious that 
their daughters should sit straight, move like clock-work, and 
" do credit to their bringing up." In the mean time, I have 
hung up the skeleton of the corset in the museum, beside a 
dissected weazle and a stuffed alligator, where it may be in- 
spected by all those naturalists who are fond of studying the 
" human form divine." Yours, etc. 

Julian Cognous. 

P.S. By accurate calculation I find it is dangerous for a 
fine figure, when full dressed, to pronounce a word of more 
than three syllables. Fine Figure, if in love, may indulge in a 
gentle sigh ; but a sob is hazardous. Fine Figure may smile 



252 SALMAGUNDI. 

with safet}^ may even venture as far as a giggle, but must 
never risk a loud laugh. Fine Figure must never play the part 
of a confidante; as at a tea-partj^ some few evenings since, a 
young lady, whose unparalleled impalpability of waist was the 
envy of the drawing-room, burst with an important secret, and 
had three ribs — of her corset ! — fractured on the spot. 

Mr. Evergreen — Sir : — I am one of those industrious 
gemmen who labor hard to obtain currency in the fashionable 
world. I have went to great expense in little boots, short 
vests, and long breeches ; — my coat is regularly imported, per 
stage, from Philadelphia, duly insured against all risks, and 
my boots are smuggled from Bond Street. I have lounged in 
Broadway with one of the most crooked walking-sticks I could 
procure, and have sported a pair of salmon-colored small- 
clothes, and flame-colored stockings, at every concert and ball 
to which 1 could purchase admission. Being af eared that I 
might possibly appear to less advantage as a pedestrian, in 
consequence of my being rather short and a little bandy, I have 
lately hired a tall horse with cropped ears and a cocked tail, 
on which I have joined the cavalcade of pretty gemmen, who 
exhibit bright stirrups every fine morning in Broadway and 
take a canter of two miles per day, at the rate of three hun- 
dred dollars per annum. But, sir, all this expense has been 
laid out in vain, for I can scarcely get a partner at an assembly, 
or an invitation to a tea-party. Pray , sir, inform me what 
more I can do to acquire admission into the true stj^lish circles, 
and whether it would not be advisable to charter a curricle for 
a month and have my cipher put on it, as is done by certain 
dashers of my acquaintance. 

Yours to serve, 

Malvolio Dubstek. 



TEA: A POEM. 

FROM" THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ., 

And earnestly recommended to the attention of all Maidens oj 
a certain age. 

Old time, my dear girls, is a knave who in truth 
From the fairest of beauties will pilfer their youth ; 
Who, by constant attention and wily deceit, 
Forever is coaxing some grace to retreat ; 



SALMA G UNDl. 253 

Aud, like crafty seducer, with subtle approach, 

The further indulged, with still further encroach. 

Since this " thief of the world " has made off with your bloom, 

And left 3'ou some score of stale years in its room — 

Has depriv'd 3-ou of all those gay dreams, that would dance 

In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms entrance ; 

And has forc'd you almost to renounce, in despair, 

The hope of a husband's affection aud care — 

Since such is the case, and a case rather hard ! 

Permit one who holds you in special regard, 

To furnish such hints in your loveless estate 

As may shelter your names from distraction and hate. 

Too often onr maidens, grown aged, I ween, 

Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen ; 

Aud at times, when annoy'd by the slights of mankind, 

Work off their resentment — by speaking their mind: 

Asseml)le together in snuff-taking clan, 

And hold round the tea-urn a solemn divan. 

A convention of tattling — a tea party hight, 

AVliich, like meeting of witches, is brew'd up at night : 

Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales of surprise, 

AVith knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise ; 

Like the broomstick whirl'd hags that appear in Macbeth, 

Each bearing some relic of venom or death. 

'• To stir up the toil and to double the trouble, 

That fire may burn, and that cauldron may bubble." 

When tlie party commences, all starch'd and all glum. 
They talk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum : 
They will tell you of cambric, of ribbons, of lace. 
How cheap they were sold — aud will name 3'OU the place. 
They discourse of their colds, and they hem and they cough, 
And complain of their servants to pass the time off; 
Or list to the tale of some doting mamma 
How her ten weeks' old baby will laugh and say taa ! 

But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soul — 
More loquacious by far than the draughts of the bowl, 
Soon unloosens the tongue and enlivens the mind. 
And enlightens their eyes to the faults of mankind. 

'Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the fount, 
That flow'd near the far-famed Parnassian mount. 
While the steam was inhal'd of the sulphuric spring. 
Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing ; — 
Py its aid she pronounced the oracular will 
Th.it Apollo commanded his sons to fulfil. 



254 SALMAGUNDI. 

But alas ! the sad vestal, performing the rite, 
Appear'd like a demon — terrific to sight. 
E'en the priests of Apollo averted their eyes, 
And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries, 
But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore, 
We return to the dames of the teapot once more. 

In harmless chit-chat an acquaintance they roast, 
And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast ; 
Some gentle /(MX pas, or some female mistake, 
Is like sweetmeats delicious, or relished as cake ; 
A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust, 
It would stick in the throat, so they butter it first 
With a little affected good-nature, and cry, 
" Nobody regrets the thing deeper than I." 
Our young ladies nibble a good name in play 
As for pastime they nibble a biscuit away : 
While with shrugs and surmises, the toothless old dame, 
As she mumbles a crust she will mumble a name. 
And as the fell sisters astonished the Scot, 
In predicting of Banquo's descendants the lot, 
Making shadows of kings, amid flashes of light. 
To appear in array and to frown in his sight, 
So they conjure up spectres all hideous in hue. 
Which, as shades of their neighbors, are passed in review. 

The wives of our cits of inferior degree, 
Will soak up repute m a little bohea ; 
The potion is vulgar, and vulgar the slang 
With which on their neighbors' defects they harangue ; 
But the scandal improves, a refinement in wrong 1 
As our matrons are richer and rise to souchong. 
With hyson — a beverage that's still more refin'd, 
Our ladies of fashion enliven their mind. 
And by nods, innuendoes, and hints, and what not. 
Reputations and tea send together to pot. 
W^hile Madam in cambrics and laces array'd, 
With her plate and her liveries in splendid parade, 
Will drink in imperial a friend at a sup, 
Or in gunpowder blow them by dozens all up. 
Ah me ! how I groan when with full swelling sail 
Wafted stately along by the favoring gale, 
A China ship proudly arrives in our bay, 
Dis[)laying her streamers and blazing away. 
Oh ! more fell to our port, is the cargo she bears 
Than greuadoes, torpedoes, or warlike affairs : 



SALMAGUNDI. 255 

Each chest is a, bombshell thrown into our town 
To shatter repute and bring character down. 

Ye Samquas, ye Chinquas, Chouquas, so free, 
Who discharge on our coast your cursed quantums of tea, 
Oh thmk, as ye waft the sad weed from your strand, 
Of the plagues and vexations ye deal to our land. 
As the upas' dread breath, o'er the plain where it flies, 
Empoisons and blasts each green blade that may rise, 
So, wherever the leaves of your shrub find their way. 
The social affections soon suffer decay : 
Like to Java's drear waste they embarren the heart, 

Till the blossoms of love and of friendship depart. 
Ah, ladies, and was it by heaven design'd. 

That ye should be merciful, loving and kind ! 

Did it form you like angels, and send you below 

To prophesy peace — to bid charity flow ! 

And have ye thus left your primeval estate. 

And wandered so widely — so strangely of late? 

Alas ! the sad cause I too plainly can see — 

These evils have all come upon you through tea ! 

Cursed weed, that can make our fair spirits resign 

The character mild of their mission divine ; 

That can blot from their bosoms that tenderness true, 

Which from female to female forever is due ! 

Oh, how nice is the texture — how fragile the frame 

Of that delicate blossom, a female's fair fame ! 

'Tis the sensitive plant, it recoils from the breath 

And shrinks from the touch as if pregnant with death. 

How often, how often^ has innocence sigh'd ; 

Has beauty been reft of its honor — its pride ; 

Has virtue, though pure as an angel of light. 

Been painted as dark as a demon of night : 

All offer'd up victims, an mdo da fi, 

At the gloomy cables — the dark orgies of tea ! 
If I, in the remnant that's left me of life, 

Am to suffer the torments of slanderous strife, 

Let me fall, I implore, in the slang-whanger's claw, 

Where the evil is open, and subject to law. 

Not nibbled, and mumbled, and put to the rack. 
By the sly underminings of tea party clack : 
Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting, 
But spare me ! oh, spare me, a tea table toasting! 



256 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. XX. -MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1808. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Extremum hunc mihi concede laborem. Virg. 
" Soft you, a word or two before we part." 

In this season of festivity, when the gate of time swings 
open on its hinges, and an honest rosy-faced New Year comes 
waddling in, like a jolly fat-sided alderman, loaded with good 
wishes, good-humor, and minced pies ; — at this joyous era it 
has been the custom, from time immemorial, in this ancient 
and respectable city, for periodical writers, from reverend, 
grave, and potent essayists like ourselves ! down to the humble 
but industrious editors of magazines, reviews, and newspapers, 
to tender their subscribers the compliments of the season ; and 
when they have slyly thawed their hearts with a little of the 
sunshine of flattery, to conclude by delicately dunning them 
for their arrears of subscription money. In like manner the 
carriers of newspapers, who undoubtedly belong to the ancient 
and honorable order of literati, do regularly, at the commence- 
ment of the year, salute their patrons#\'ith abundance of excellent 
advice, conveyed in exceeding good poetrj', for which the aforesaid 
good-natured patrons are well pleased to pay them exactly twent}'- 
five cents. In walking the streets I am every day saluted with 
good wishes from old gray-headed negroes, whom I never recol- 
lect to have seen before ; and it was but a few days ago, that I 
was called to receive the compliments of an ugly old woman, who 
last spring was employed by Mrs. Cockloft to wlaitewash my room 
and put things in order ; a phrase which, if rightly understood, 
means little else than huddling every thing into holes and cor- 
ners, so that if I want to find any particular article, it is, in the 
language of an humble but expressive saying, — "looking for 
a needle in a haystack." Not recognizing my visitor, I de- 
manded by what authority she wished me a " Happy New 
Year?" Her claim was one of the weakest she could have 
urged, for I have an lunate and mortal antipathy to this cus- 



SALMAGUNDI. 257 

torn of putting things to rights ; — so giving the old witch a 
pistareen, I desiied her forthwith to mount her broomstick, 
and ride off as fast as possible. 

Of all the various ranks of society, the bakers alone, to their 
immortal honor be it recorded, depart from this practice of 
making a market of congratulations ; and, in addition to always 
allowing thirteen to the dozen, do with great liberality, instead 
of drawing on the purses of their customers at the New Year, 
present them with divers large, fair, spiced cakes ; which, like 
the shield of Achilles, or an Egyptian obelisk, are adorned with 
figures of a variety of strange animals, that, in their conforma- 
tion, out-marvel all the wild wonders of nature. 

This honest gray beard custom of setting apart a certain 
portion of this good-for-nothing existence for the purposes of 
cordiality, social merriment, and good cheer, is one of the in- 
estimable relics handed down to us from our worthy Dutch 
ancestors. In perusing one of the manuscripts from ray 
worthy grandfather's mahoganj' chest of drawers, I find the 
New Year was celebrated with great festivity during that golden 
age of our city, when the reins of government were held by the 
renowned Rip V^an Dam, who always did honor to the season 
by seeing out the old year ; a ceremony which consisted in 
plying his guests with bumpers, until not one of them was 
capable of seeing. "Truly," observes my grandfather, who 
was genei'ally of these parties — " Truly, he was a most stately 
and magnificent burgomaster ! inasmuch as he did right lustily 
carouse it with his friends about New Year ; roasting huge 
quantities of turkeys ; baking innumerable minced pies ; and 
smacking the lips of all fair ladies the which he did meet, with 
such sturdy emphasis that the same might have been heard the 
distance of a stone's throw." In his days, according to my 
grandfather, were first invented these notable cakes, hight New- 
year cookies, which originally were impressed on one side with 
the honest, burly countenance of the illustrious Rip ; and on 
the other with that of the noted St. Nicholas, vulgarly called 
Santa Claus ; — of all the saints in the calendar the most ven- 
erated by true Hollanders, and their unsophisticated descend- 
ants. These cakes are to this time given on the first of 
January to all visitors, together with a glass of cherry -bounce, 
or raspberry-brandy. It is with great regret, however, I 
observe that the simplicity of this venerable usage has been 
much violated by modern pretenders to style ! and our re- 
spectable New-year cookies, and cherry-bounce, elbowed aside 
by plum-cake and outlandish liqueurs, in the same way that our 



258 SALMAGUNDI. 

worthy old Dutch families are out-dazzled by modern upstarts, 
and mushroom cockney's. 

In addition to this divine origin of New-year festivity, there 
is something exquisitely grateful, to a good-natured mind, in 
seeing every face dressed in smiles ; — in hearing the oft- 
repeated salutations that flow spontaneously from the heart to 
the lips ; — in beholding the poor, for once, enjoying the smiles 
of plenty, and forgetting the cares which press hard upon 
them, in the jovial revelry of the feelings ; — the 3'oung children 
docked out in their Sunday clothes and freed from their only 
cares, the cares of the school, tripping through the streets on 
errands of pleasure ; — and even the very negroes, those holiday- 
loving rogues, gorgeoush' arrayed in cast-off finery, collected 
in juntos, at corners, displaying their white teeth, and making 
the welkin ring with bursts of laughter, — loud enough to crack 
even the icy cheek of old winter. There is something so pleas- 
ant in all this, that I confess it would give me real pain to 
behold the frigid influence of modern stj'le cheating us of this 
jubilee of the heart ; and converting it, as it does every other 
article of social intercourse, into an idle and unmeaning cere- 
mony. 'Tis the annual festival of good-humor ; — it comes in 
the dead of winter, when nature is without a charm, when our 
pleasures are contracted to the flreside, and when every thing 
that unlocks the ic}" fetters of the heart, and sets the genial 
current flowing, should be cherished, as a stray lamb found in 
the wilderness ; or a flower blooming among thorns and briers. 

Animated by these sentiments, it is with peculiar satisfaction 
I perceived that the last New Year was kept with more than 
ordinary enthusiasm. It seemed as if the good old times had 
rolled back again and brought with them all the honest, uncere- 
monious intercourse of those golden days, when people were 
more open and sincere, more moral, and more hospitable than 
now ; — when every object carried about it a charm which the 
hand of time has stolen away, or turned to a deformity ; when 
the women were more simple, more domestic, more lovely, and 
more true ; and when even the sun, like a hearty old blade as 
he is, shone with a genial lustre unknown in these degenerate 
days : — in short, those fairy times, when I was a madcap boy, 
crowding every enjoyment into the present moment ; — making 
of the past an oblivion ; — of the future a heaven ; and careless 
of all that was " over the hills and far away." Only one thing 
was wanting to make every part of the celebration accord with 
its ancient simplicity. The ladies, who — I write it with the 
most i)ierciug regret — are generally at the head of all domestic 



SALMAGUNDI. 259 

innovations, most fastidiously refused that mark of good will, 
that chaste and holy salute which was so fashionable in the 
happy days of governor Rip and the patriarchs. Even the 
Miss Cocklofts, who belong to a family that is the last iutrench- 
meut behind which the manners of the good old school have 
retired, made violent opposition ; — and whenever a gentleman 
entered the room, immediately put themselves in a posture of 
defence; — this Will Wizard, with his usual shrewdness, insists 
was only to give the visitor a hint that they expected an attack ; 
and declares, he has uniformly' observed, that the resistance of 
those ladies who make the greatest noise and bustle, is most 
easily overcome. This sad innovation originated with my good 
aunt Charity, who was as arrant a tabby as ever wore whiskers ; 
and I am not a little afflicted to find that she has found so many 
followers, even among the young and beautiful. 

In compliance with an ancient and venerable custom, sanc- 
tioned by time and our ancestors, and more especially by my 
own inclinations, I will take this opportunity to salute my 
readers with as many good wishes as I can possibly spare ; for, 
in truth, I have been so prodigal of late, that I have but a few 
remaining. I should have offered my congratulations sooner ; 
but, to be candid, having made the last New-year's campaign, 
according to custom, under cousin Christopher, in which I 
have seen some prett}' hard service, my head has been some- 
what out of order of late, and my intellect rather cloudy for 
clear writing. Besides, I may allege as another reason, that I 
have deferred my greetings until this da^', which is exactly one 
3ear since we introduced ourselves to the public ; and surely 
periodical writers have the same right of dating from the com- 
mencement of their works that monarchs have from the time of 
their coronation ; or our most puissant republic from the dec- 
laration of its independence. 

These good wishes are warmed into more than usual benevo- 
lence by the thought that I am now, perhaps, addressing my old 
friends for the last time. That we should thus cut off our work in 
the very vigor of its existence may excite some little matter of 
wonder in this enlightened community. — Now, though we could 
give a variet}' of good reasons for so doing, yet it would be an 
ill-natured act to deprive the public of such an admirable oppor- 
tunity to indulge in their favorite amusement of conjecture : 
so we generously leave them to flounder in the smooth ocean 
of glorious uncertainty. Besides, we have ever considered it as 
beneath persons of our dignity to account for our movements 
or caprices ; — thank heaven, we are not like the unhappy rulers 



260 SALMAGUNDI. 

of this enlightened land, accountable to the mob for our actions, 
or dependent on their smiles for support ! — this much, how- 
ever, we will say, it is not for want of subjects that we stop 
our career. We are not in the situation of poor Alexander the 
Great, who wept, as well indeed he might, because there were 
no more worlds to conquer ; for, to do justice to this queer, odd, 
rantipole city and this whimsical country, there is matter 
enough in them to keep our risible muscles and our pens going 
until doomsday. 

Most people, in taking a farewell which may, perhaps, be 
forever, are anxious to part on good terms ; and it is usual, on 
such melancholy occasions, for even enemies to shake hands, 
forget their previous quarrels, and bury all former animosities 
in parting regrets. Now, because most people do this, I am 
determined to act in quite a different way ; for, as 1 have 
lived, so I should wish to die in m3' own way, without imitat- 
ing any person, whatever may be his rank, talents, or reputa- 
tion. Besides, if I know our trio, we have no enmities to 
obliterate, no hatchet to bury, and as to all injuries — those we 
have long since forgiven. At this moment there is not an 
individual in the world, not even the Pope himself, to whom 
we have any personal hostility. But if, shutting their eyes to 
the many striking proofs of good-nature displayed through the 
whole course of this work, there should be any persons so 
singularly- ridiculous as to take offence at our strictures, we 
heartily foigive their stupidity ; earnestly entreating them to 
desist from all manifestations of ill-humor, lest they should, 
peradventure, be classed under some one of the denominations 
of recreants we have felt it our dutj' to hold up to public ridi- 
cule. Even at this moment we feel a glow of parting philan- 
thropy stealing upon us; — a sentiment of cordial good-will 
towards the numerous host of readers that have jogged on at 
our heels during the last year ; and, in justice to ourselves, 
must seriously protest, that if at any time we have treated 
them a little ungently, it was purely in that spirit of hearty 
affection with which a schoolmaster drubs an unlucky urchin, 
or a humane muleteer his recreant animal, at the very moment 
when his heart is brim-full of loving-kindness. If this is not 
considered an ample justification, so much the worse ; for in 
that case I fear we shall remain for ever unjustified ; — a most 
desperate extremity, and worthy of every man's commisera- 
tion ! 

One circumstance in particular has tickled us mightily as we 
jogged along, and that is the astonishing secrecy with which 



SALMAGUNDI. 261 

we have been able to carry on our lucubrations ! Fully aware 
of the profound sagacity of the public of Gotham, and their 
wonderful faculty of distinguishing a writer by his style, it is 
with great self-congratulation we find that suspicion has never 
pointed to us as the authors of Salmagundi. Our graybeard 
speculations have been most bountifully attributed to sundry 
smart 3"oung gentlemen, who, for aught we know, have no 
beards at all ; and we have often been highly amused, when 
they were charged with the sin of writing what their harmless 
minds never conceived, to see them affect all the blushing 
modesty and beautiful embarrassment of detected virgin au- 
thors. The profound and penetrating public, having so long 
been led away from truth and nature by a constant perusal 
of those delectable histories and romances from beyond seas 
in which human nature is for the most part wickedly man- 
gled and debauched, have never once imagined this work 
was a genuine and most authentic history ; that the Cocklofts 
were a real family, dwelling in the city; — paying scot and 
lot, entitled to the right of suffrage, and holding several 
respectable offices in the corporation . — As little do they sus- 
pect that there is a knot of merry old bachelors seated snugly 
in the old-fashioned parlor of an old-fashioned Dutch house, 
with a weathercock on the top that came from Holland, who 
amuse themselves of an evening by laughing at their neighbors 
in an honest way, and who manage to jog on through the 
streets of our ancient and venerable city without elbowing or 
being elbowed by a living soul. 

When we first adopted the idea of discontinuing this work, 
we determined, in order to give the critics a fair opportunity 
for dissection, to declare ourselves, one and all, absolutely 
defunct ; for, it is one of the rare and invaluable privileges of 
a periodical writer, that by an act of innocent suicide he may 
lawfully consign hnnself to the grave and cheat the world of 
posthumous renown. But we abandoned this scheme for 
many substantial reasons. In the first place, we care but little 
for the opinion of critics, who we consider a kind of free- 
booters in the republic of letters ; who, like deer, goats, and 
divers other graminivorous animals, gain subsistence by gor- 
ging upon the buds and leaves of the young shrubs of the for- 
est, thereby robbing them of their verdure and retarding their 
progress to maturity. It also occurred to us, that though an 
author might lawfully in aJ countries kill himself outright, yet 
this privilege did not extend to the raising himself from iho 
dead, if he was ever so anxious ; and all that is left him in 



262 SALMAGUNDI. 

such a case is to take the benefit of the metemps^'chosis act 
and revive under a new name and form. 

P'ar be it, therefore, from us to condemn ourselves to useless 
embarrassments, should we ever be disposed to resume the 
guardianship of this learned city of Gotham, and finish this 
invaluable work, which is yet but half completed. We hereby 
opeuly and serioush' declare, that we are not dead, but iatend, 
if it pleases Providence, to live for many years to come; — to 
enjoy life with the genuine relish of honest souls ; careless of 
riches, honors, and every thing but a good name, among good 
fellows ; and with the full expectation of shuflfling off the rem- 
nant of existence, after the excellent fashion of that merry 
Gi'eciau who died laughing. 



TO THE LADIES. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Next to our being a knot of independent old bachelors, there 
is nothing on which we pride ourselves more highly than upon 
possessing that true chivalric spirit of gallantry, which dis- 
tinguished the days of King Arthur, and his valiant knights of 
the Rouud Table. We cannot, therefore, leave the lists where 
we have so long been tilting at folly, without giving a farewell 
salutation to those noble dames and beauteous damsels who 
have honored us with their presence at the tourney. Like 
true knights, the only recompense we crave is the smile of 
beauty, and the approbation of those gentle fair ones, whose 
smile and whose approbation far excel all the trophies of 
honor, and all tho rewards of successful ambition. True it 
is, that we have suffered infinite perils in standing forth as 
their champions, from the sl}^ attacks of sundry arch caitiffs, 
who, in the overflowings of their malignity, have even accused 
us of entering the lists as defenders of the very foibles and 
faults of the sex. — Would that we could meet with these 
recreants hand to hand ; — they should receive no more quarter 
than giants and enchanters in romance. 

Had we a spark of vanity in our natures, here is a glorious 
occasion to show our skill in refuting these illiberal insinua- 
tions ; — but there is something manly, and ingenuous, in mak- 
ing an honest confession of one's offences when about retirino; 



SALMAGUNDI. 263 

from the world; — and so, without any more ado, we doff our 
hehnets and thus publicly plead guilty to the deadly sin of 
GOOD NATURE ; hoping and expecting forgiveness from our 
good-natured readers, — yet careless whether they bestow it 
or not. And in this we do but imitate sundrj- condemned 
criminals, who, finding themselves convicted of a capital 
crime, with great openness and candor do generally in their 
last dying speech make a confession of all their previous of- 
fences, which confession is always read with great delight by 
all true lovers of biography. 

Still, however, notwithstanding our notorious devotion to 
the gentle sex, and our indulgent partiality, we have endeav- 
ored, on divers occasions, with all the polite and becoming 
delicacy of true respect, to reclaim them from many of those 
delusive follies and unseemly peccadilloes in which they are 
unhappily too prone to indulge. We have warned them 
against the sad consequences of encountering our midnight 
damps and withering wintry blasts; — we have endeavored, 
with pious hand, to snatch them from the wildering mazes of 
the waltz, and thus rescuing them from the arms of strangers, 
to restore them to the bosoms of their friends ; to preserve 
them from the nakedness, the famine, the cobweb muslins, the 
vinegar cruet, the corset, the stay-tape, the buckram, and all 
the other miseries and racks of a fine figure. But, above all, 
we have endeavored to lure them from the mazes of a dissi- 
pated world, where they wander about, careless of their value, 
until they lose their original worth ; — and to restore them, be- 
fore it is too late, to the sacred asylum of home, the soil most 
congenial to the opening blossom of female loveliness ; where it 
blooms and expands in safety, in the fostering sunshine of 
maternal affection, and where its heavenly sweets are best 
known and appreciated. 

Modern philosophers may determine the proper destination 
of the sex ; — they may assign to them an extensive and bril- 
liant orbit, in which to revolve, to the delight of the million 
and the confusion of man's superior intellect ; but when on this 
subject we disclaim philosophy, and appeal to tlie higher tri- 
bunal of the heart ; — and what heart that had not lost its bet- 
ter feelings, would ever seek to repose its happiness on the 
bosom of one whose pleasures all lay witliout the threshold of 
home; — who snatched enjoyment only in the whirlpool of dis- 
sipation, and amid the thoughtless and evanescent gayet}' of a 
ballroom. The fair one who is forever in the career of amuse- 
ment, may for a while dazzle, astonish, and entertain ; but we 



26 4 SALMA G UNDI. 

are content with coldly admiring ; and fondl}' turn from glitter 
and noise, to seek the happy fireside of social life, there to 
confide our dearest and best affections. 

Yet some there are, and we delight to mention them, who 
mingle freely with the world, unsullied by its contaminations; 
whose brilliant minds, like the stars of the firmament, are des- 
tined to shed their light abroad and gladden every beholder 
with their radiance ; — to withhold them from the world, would 
be doing it injustice ; — they are inestimable gems, which were 
never formed to be shut up in caskets ; but to be the pride and 
ornament of elegant society. 

We have endeavored alwaj^s to discriminate between a female 
of this superior order, and the thoughtless votary of pleasure ; 
who, destitute of intellectual resources is servilely dependent 
on others for every little pittance of enjoyment ; who exhibits 
herself incessantly amid the noise, the gidd}' frolic, and capri- 
cious vanity of fashionable assemblages ; dissipating her lan- 
guid affections on a crowd ; lavishing her ready smiles with in- 
discriminate prodigality on the worthy, or the undeserving ; and 
listening, with equal vacancy of mind, to the conversation of 
the enlightened, the frivolity of the coxcomb, and the flourish 
of the fiddlestick. 

There is a certain artificial polish, a commonplace vivacity 
acquired by perpetually mingling in the beau moncle ; which, in 
the commerce of the world, supplies the place of natural suavity 
of good-humor ; but is purchased at the expense of all original 
and sterling traits of character. By a kind of fashionable dis- 
cipline, the eye is taught to brighten, the lip to smile, and the 
whole countenance to irradiate with the semblance of friendly 
welcome, while the bosom is unwarmed by a single spark of 
genuine kindness or good-will. — This elegant simulation may 
be admired by the connoisseur of human character, as a per- 
fection of art ; but the heart is not to be deceived by the super- 
ficial illusion ; it turns with delight to the timid retiring fair one, 
whose smile is the smile of nature ; whose blush is the soft suf- 
fusion of delicate sensibility ; and whose affections, unblighted 
b}' the chilling effects of dissipation, glow with all the tenderness 
and purity of artless 3'outh. Hers is a singleness of mind, a 
native innocence of manners, and a sweet timidity, that steal 
insensibly upon the heart, and lead it a willing captive ; though 
venturing occasionally among the fairy haunts of pleasure, she 
shrinks from the broad glare of notoriety, and seems to seek 
refuge among her friends, even from the admiration of the 
world. 



SALMAGUNDI. 265 

These observations bring to mind a little allegory in one of 
the manuscripts of the sage Mustapha ; which, being in some 
measure applicable to the subject of this essay, we transcribe 
for the benefit of our fair readers. 

Among the numerous race of the Bedouins, who people the 
vast tracts of Arabia Deserta, is a small tribe, remarkable for 
their habits of solitude and love of independence. They are of 
a rambling disposition, roving from waste to waste, slaking 
their thirst at such scant}' pools as are found in tliose cheerless 
plains, and glory in the unenvied liberty they enjoy. A youth- 
ful Arab of this tribe, a simple son of nature, at length growing 
weary of his precarious and unsettled mode of life, determined 
to set out in search of some permanent abode. " I will seek," 
said he, " some happy region, some generous clime, where the 
dews of heaven diffuse fertility ; — I will find out some unfail- 
ing stream ; and, forsaking the joyless life of my forefathers, 
settle on its borders, dispose my mind to gentle pleasures and 
tranquil enjoyments, and never wander more." 

Enchanted with this picture of pastoral felicity, he departed 
from the tents of his companions ; and hav'ng journeyed during 
five days, on the sixth, as the sun was just rising in all the 
splendors of the east, he lifted up his eyes and beheld extended 
before him, in smiling luxuriance, the fertile regions of Arabia 
the Happy. Gently swelling hills, tufted with blooming 
groves, swept down into luxuriant vales, enameled with flow- 
ers of never-withering beauty. The sun, no longer darting his 
rays with torrid fervor, beamed with a genial warmth that glad- 
dened and enriched the landscape. A pure and temperate 
serenity, an air of voluptuous repose, a smile of contented 
abundance, pervaded the face of nature ; and every zephyr 
breathed a thousand delicious odors. The soul of the youthful 
wanderer expanded with delight ; — he raised his eyes to 
heaven, and almost mingled with his tribute of gratitude a 
sigh of regret that he had Hngered so long amid the sterile soli- 
tudes of the desert. 

With fond impatience he hastened to make choice of a stream 
where he might fix his habitation, and taste the promised 
sweets of this land of delight. But here commenced an unfore- 
seen perplexity ; for, though he beheld innumerable streams on 
every side, yet not one could he find which completely an- 
swered his high-raised expectations. One abounded with wild 
and picturesque beaut}', but it was capricious and unsteady in 
its course ; sometimes dashing its angry billows against the 
/ocks, and often raging and overflowing its banks. Another 



266 SALMAGUNDI. 

flowed smoothly along, without even a ripple or a murmur ; but 
its bottom was soft and muddy, and its current dull and slug- 
gish. A third was pure and transparent, but its waters were of 
a chilling coldness, and it had rocks and flints in its bosom. A 
fourth was dulcet in its tinklings, and graceful in its meander- 
ings ; but it had a cloying sweetness that palled upon the taste ; 
while a fifth possessed a sparkling vivacity, and a pungency of 
flavor, that deterred the wanderer from repeating his draught. 

The youthful Bedouin began to weary with fruitless trials and 
repeated disappointments, when his attention was suddenly 
attracted by a lively brook, whose dancing waves glittered in 
the sunbeams, and whose prattling current communicated an air 
of bewitching gayety to the surrounding landscape. The heart 
of the wayworn traveller beat with expectation ; but on regard- 
ing it attentively in its course, he found that it constantly 
avoided the embowering shade ; loitering with equal fondness, 
whether gliding through tlie rich valley, or over the barren 
sand; — that the fragrant flower, the fruitful shrub, and worth- 
less bramble were alike fostered by its waves, and that its cur- 
rent was often interrupted by unprofitable w*^eds. With idle 
ambition, it expanded itself beyond ils proper bounds, and 
spread into a shallow waste of water, destitute of beauty or 
utility, and babbling along with uninteresting vivacity and 
vapid turbulence. 

The wandering son of the desert turned away with a sigh of 
regret, and pitied a stream which, if content within its natural 
limits, might have been the pride of the valley, and the object 
of all his wishes. Pensive, musing, and disappointed, he 
slowly pursued his now almost hopeless pilgrimage, and had 
rambled for some time along the margin of a gentle rivulet, 
before he became sensible of its beauties. It was a simple pas- 
toral stream, which, shunning the noonday glare, pursued its 
unobtrusive course through retired and tranquil vales; — now 
dimpling among flowery banks and tufted shrubbery ; now 
winding among spicy groves, whose aromatic foliage fondly 
bent down to meet the limpid wave. Sometimes, but not often, 
it would venture from its covert to stray through a flowery 
meadow ; but quickly, as if fearful of being seen, stole back 
again into its more congenial shade, and there lingered with 
sweet delay. Wherever it bent its course, the face of nature 
brightened into smiles, and a perennial spring reigned upon its 
borders. — The warblers of the woodland delighted to quit 
their recesses and carol among its bowers : while the turtle- 
dove, the timid fawn, the soft-eyed gazelle, and all the rural 



SALMAGUNDI. 267 

populace, who joy in the sequestered haunts of nature, resorted 
to its vicinity. — Its pure, transparent waters rolled over snow- 
white sands, and heaven itself was reflected in its tranquil 
bosom. 

The simple Arab threw himself upon its verdant margin ; — he 
tasted the silver tide, and it was like nectar to his lips ; — he 
bounded with transport, for he had found the object of his way- 
faring. " Here," cried he, " will I pitch my tent: — here will 
I pass my days ; for pure, oh, fair stream, is thy gentle current ; 
beauteous are thy borders ; and the grove must be a paradise 
that is refreshed by thy meanderings ! " 



Pendant opera interrupta. — Virg. 
The work's all aback. — Link. Fid. 

" How hard it is," exclaimed the divine Con-futs6, better 
known among the illiterate by the name of Confucius, " for a 
man to bite off his own nose! " At this moment I, William 
Wizard, Esq., feel the full force of this remark, and cannot but 
give vent to my tribulation at being obliged, through the whim 
of friend Langstaff, to stop short in my literary career, when at 
the very point of astonishing my country, and reaping the 
brightest laurels of literature. We daily hear of shipwrecks, 
of failures and bankruptcies ; they are trifling mishaps which, 
from their frequency, excite but little astonishment or sym- 
pathy ; but it is not often that we hear of a man's letting im- 
mortality slip through his fingers ; and when he does meet 
with such a misfortune, who would deny him the comfort of 
bewailing his calamity ? 

Next to embargo, laid upon our commerce, the greatest 
public annoyance is the embargo laid upon our work ; in conse- 
quence of which the produce of my wits, like that of my coun- 
try, must remain at home ; and my ideas like so many mer- 
chantmen in port, or redoubtable frigates in the Potomac, 
moulder away in the mud of my own brain. I know of few 
things in this world more annojing than to be interrupted in 
the middle of a favorite story, at the most interesting part, 
where one expects to shine ; or to have a conversation broken 
off just when 3'ou are about coming out with a score of excel- 
lent jokes, not one of which but was good enough to make 
every fine figure in corsets split her sides with laughter. In 
gome such predicament am I placed at present ; and I do pro- 



268 SALMAGUNDI. 

test to you, my good-looking and well-beloved readers, by the 
chop-sticks of the immortal Joss, I was on the very brink of 
treating you with a full broadside of the most ingenious and 
instructive essays that your precious noddles were ever both- 
ered with. 

In the first place, I had, with infinite labor and pains, and 
by consulting the divine Plato, Sanconiathon, ApoUonius, 
Rhodius, Sir John Harrington, Noah Webster, Linkum Fidelius, 
and others, full^- refuted all those wild theories respecting 
the first settlement of our venerable country ; and proved, 
beyond contradiction, that America, so far from being, as the 
writers of upstart Europe denominate it, the new world, is at 
least as old as any country in existence, not excepting P^gypt, 
China, or even the land of the Assinboins ; which, according 
to the traditions of that ancient people, has ahead}" assisted 
at the funerals of thirteen suns and four hundred and seventy 
thousand moons ! 

I had likewise written a long dissertation on certain hiero- 
glyphics discovered on these fragments of the moon, which 
have lately fallen, with singular propriety in a neighboring 
state ; — and have thrown considerable light on the state of liter- 
ature and the arts in that planet; — showing that the universal 
language which prevails there is High Dutch ; thereby [)roving 
it to be the most ancient and original tongue, and corroborating 
the opinion of a celebrated j)oet, that it is the language in which 
the serpent tempted our grandmother Eve. 

To support the theatric department, I had several very judi- 
cious critiques, ready written, wherein no quarter was shown 
either to authors or actors ; and I was only waiting to determine 
at what plays or performances they should be levelled. As to 
the grand spectacle of Cinderella, which is to be represented this 
season, I had given it a most unmerciful handling : showing that 
it was neither tragedy, comedy, nor farce ; that the incidents 
were highly improbable, that the prince played like a perfect 
harlequin, that the white mice were merely powdered for the occa- 
sion, and that the new moon had a most outrageous copper nose. 

But my most profound and erudite essay in embryo is an ana- 
lytical, hypercritical review of these Salmagundi lucubrations ; 
which I had written partly in revenge for the many waggish 
jokes played off against me by my confederates, and partly for 
the purpose of saving much invaluable labor to the Zoiluses and 
Dennises of the age, by detecting and exposing all the similari- 
ties, resemblances, synonymies, analogies, coincidences, etc., 
which occur in this work. 



SALMAGUNDI. 269 

I hold it downright plagiarism for any author to write, or even 
to think, in the same manner with any other writer that either 
did, doth, or may exist. It is a sage maxim of law — ^'•Igno- 
rantia neminem excusat " — and the same has been extended to 
literature : so that if an author shall publish an idea that has 
been ever hinted by another, it shall be no exculpation for him 
to plead ignorance of the fact. All, therefore, that 1 had to do 
was to take a good pair of spectacles, or a magnifying glass, 
and with Salmagundi in hand, and a table full of books before 
me, to muse over them alternately, in a corner of Cockloft libra- 
ry : carefully comparing and contrasting all odd ends and frag- 
ments of sentences. 

Little did honest Launce suspect, when he sat lounging and 
scribbling in his elbow-chair, with no other stock to draw upon 
than his own brain, and no other authority to consult than the 
sage Liukum Fidelius ! — little did he think that his careless, 
unstudied effusions would receive such scrupulous investigation. 

By laborious researches, and patiently collating words, where 
sentences and ideas did not correspond, I have detected sundry 
sly disguises and metamorphoses of which, I'll be bound. Lang- 
staff himself is ignorant. Thus, for instance — The little man 
in black is evidently no less a personage than old Goody Blake, 
or goody something, filched from the Spectator, who confessedly 
filched her from Otway's "wrinkled hag with age grown dou- 
ble." My friend Launce has taken the honest old woman, 
dressed her up in the cast-off suit worn by T waits, in Lampedo, 
and endeavored to palm the imposture upon the eulightened 
inhabitants of Gotham. No further proof of the fact need be 
given, than that Goody Blake was taken for a witch ; and the 
little man in black for a conjurer ; and that they both lived in vil- 
lages the inhabitants of which were distinguished by a most 
respectful abhorrence of hobgoblins and broomsticks ; — to be 
sure the astonishing similarity ends here, but surel}' that is 
enough to prove that the little man in black is no other than 
Goody Blake in the disguise of a white witch. 

Thus, also, the sage Mustapha in mistaking a brag part}' for 
a convention of magi studying hieroglyphics, may pretend to 
originality of idea, and to a familiar acquaintance with the black- 
letter literati of the East ; — but this Tripolitan trick will not 
pass here ; — I refer those who wish to detect this larceny to one 
of those wholesale jumbles or hodge-podge collections of science, 
which, like a tailor's pandemonium, or a giblet-pie, are recep- 
tacles for scientific fragments of all sorts and sizes. — The 
reader, learned in dictionary studies, will at once perceive I 



270 SALMAGUNDI. 

mean an encyclopaedia. There, under the title of magi, Egypt, 
cards, or hieroglyphics, I forget which, will be discovered an 
idea similiar to that of Mustapha, as snugly concealed as truth 
at the bottom of a well, or the mistletoe amid the shady branches 
of an oak : and it may at any time be drawn from its lurking 
place, by those hewers of wood and drawers of water, who 
labor in humbler walks of criticism. This is assuredly a most 
unpardonable error of the sage Mustapha, who had been the 
captain of a ketch, and, of course, as your nautical men are for 
the most part very learned, ought to have known better. — But 
this is not the only blunder of the grave Mussulman, who swears 
by the head of Amrou, the beard of Barbarossa, and the sword 
of Khalid, as glibl3'as our good Christian soldiers anathematize 
body and soul, or a sailor his e3'es and odd limbs. Now I sol- 
emnly pledge myself to the world, that in all my travels through 
the East, in Persia, Arabia, China, and Eg^'pt, I never heard man, 
woman, or child utter any of those preposterous and new-fan- 
gled asseverations ; and that, so far from swearing b}- any man's 
head, it is considered, throughout the P^ast, the greatest insult 
that can be offered to either the living or dead to meddle in any 
shape even with his beard. These are but two or three speci- 
mens of the exposures I would have made ; but I should have 
descended still lower ; nor would have spared the most insig- 
nificant and, or but, or nevertheless, provided I could have 
found a ditto in the Spectator or the dictionary ; — but all these 
minutite I bequeath to the Liliputian literati of this sagacious 
community, who are fond of hunting " such small deer," and I 
earnestly pray they may find full employment for a twelve-month 
to come. 

But the most outrageous plagiarisms of friend Launcelot are 
those made on sundry living personages. Thus : Tom Straddle 
has been evidently stolen from a distinguished Brummagem 
emigrant, since they both ride on horseback; — Dabble, the 
little great man, has his origin in a certain aspiring counsellor, 
who is rising in the world as rapidly as the heaviness of his 
head will permit ; mine uncle John will bear a tolerable com- 
parison, particularly as it respects the sterling qualities of his 
heart, with a worthy yeoman of Westchester county ; — and to 
deck out Aunt Charity, and the amiable Miss Cocklofts, he has 
rifled the charms of half the ancient vestals in this city. Nay, 
he has taken unpardonable liberties with my own person ! — 
elevating me on the substantial pedestal of a worthj^ gentleman 
from China, and tricking me out with claret coats, tight breeches, 
and silver-spriged dickeys, in such sort that I can scarcely 



SALMAGUNDI. 271 

recognize my own resemblance ; — whereas I absolutely declare 
that I am an exceeding good-looking man, neither too tall nor 
too short, too old nor too young, with a person indifferently 
robust, a head rather inclining to be large, an eas}' swing in my 
walk ; and that I wear my own hair, neither queued, nor 
cropped, nor turned up, but in a fair, pendulous oscillating 
club, tied with a yard of ninepenny black ribbon. 

And now, having said all that occurs to me on the present 
pathetic occasion, — having made my speech, wrote my eulogy, 
and drawn my portrait, I bid my readers an affectionate fare- 
well ; exhorting them to live honestly and soberly ; — paying 
their taxes, and reverencing the state, the church, and the cor- 
poration ; — reading diligently the Bible and the almanac, the 
newspai>er, and Salmagundi ; — which is all the reading an 
honest citizen has occasion for ; — and eschewmg all spirit of 
faction, discontent, irreligion, and criticism. 
Which is all at present, 

From their departed friend, 

WILLIAM WIZARD. 



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